Wednesday, 1 October 2008

L'homme lisant

My body is like a temple: I occasionally let people in for acts of worship. Ho, ho, ho! Only joking; I’m a good girl, I am. Nevertheless tonight I had dinner with Nick (followed by a film) and drinks with International, and both were very pleasant indeed.

But here’s a thing, gentle reader: a thought.

Thinking deep thoughts is so rare for me that precedent passes from all memory - recently this blog has not been the hive of instrospection and self realisation you have become used to [hah]. But it may be back to the good old days because… something occurred to me. Something that in itself made me really stop and think.

International is an unavailable guy. He’s in a long term relationship, which nevertheless allows for extra-curricular activity and in no way is likely to end soon. Certainly not over me. And that is not what I would want – my penchant for honesty comes not from being lied to but from a genuine if not overly-restrictive desire not to cause discord or grief.

International is, in addition, an accomplished man; and achingly beautiful with it. So far out of my league it beggars belief. He has, though, some real self-esteem issues, which in part is why - whether rightly or wrongly - he’s carrying on with me.

And the sum total of that is exactly what I had with Darren. Darren wasn’t particularly accomplished of course, and International isn’t him – to compare them even superficially would be doing him a disservice.

What concerns me is that I may be repeating history, or even – God forbid – simply going through a long drawn out recovery from the events of March and April. I’m damned if this is all about getting over my first [only] proper boyfriend. I have been thinking about Darren quite a bit lately, mainly in terms of “what a/an [adjective]” but still for all that with occasional fondness.

As for International, our long weekend is imminent. And all of a sudden an attack of prudish angst about my body. He’s just so good it makes me feel really concerned about my frumpishness – and that is not helped by averaging 5 of 10 in QueerPersonals’ “Hot or Not?” competition (oddly getting either 8, 9 or 10 OR 1, 2, and 3 – never anything in-between). Yet is such things matter to me so much I should be cheered by a renewed stream of nominations to gaydar's "Sex Factor" too :-)

Thank goodness I have my first counselling session a week on Wednesday, though I remain somewhat dubious about it all. I don’t want to get into it and abandon it half-way through. Well, you and I can giggle over how silly it is afterward. If it is silly. I really don’t know...

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