Barter

My last couple of posts are a bit clouded and ill thought out as they really have been me just thinking, or more accurately emoting, out loud.

What I really need to do is Think about my time with International, however long that may be.

I can’t be this involved or overwhelmed by whatever this is and have it make me miserable. However it goes and however soon it ends, it has to be something that makes me feel good, that feels worthwhile. Because right now I am helpless in my need for him and that just isn’t healthy.

So in no particular order, here are my thoughts:

Ouch. If he weren’t around… yes it makes a difference. We’d both be acting differently; but then we can dwell for eternity on what might have been. I need to consider what may become. How open is this open relationship? Does he know of me?

Similarly, we’ve always been clear that International’s in a relationship and that is that. But is that that? I don’t dream of him leaving Ouch for me, and this being the threshold of sun-filled forever. In fact I have always preferred to suppose that he would never do that. I do, however, need to be a bit surer of where the three of us stand.

Thinking about that my main area of uncertainty is what is it about me that draws International? I really can’t imagine what I provide that fills whatever gap International seeks to fill. It may just be sex; who knows? In which case this is tawdry and temporary and my courtesan skills at grape peeling and the zither go to waste.

Because of course there is my final though for today; I have again, again, become infatuated quite precipitately; how do I know he feels the same? Why would he? Sometimes I worry that he has everything and I have nothing. He is beautiful and I am lost. I have no control.

Sometimes I just get annoyed with myself. Really angry, in fact. Coming out went well but it wasn’t easy and I don’t want to cheapen it and diminish all that has gone before by going down a road that I shouldn’t. What the hell am I doing? Oh yes, gentle reader, I must find peace of mind before I completely give away my heart.

In the meantime not to dwell; I have new ideas about my business and a lot of work to catch up on this weekend – the first quiet one at home for some time. Nary a thought to his kiss, his strong arms, our bodies together…