Birthday

The world has turned and the Cheerful Fairy is one year older. My mid 30s approach with increasing speed.


Unfortunately on the day Fella was very unwell so I ended up looking after him; but the day before we had friends round for dinner and I took the day after as leave as well so plenty of time to relax.

Fella gave me a lovely antique art-deco clock c. 1930 – exactly what I had been looking for, for some time. My mother sent me some lovely framed paintings of the area she lives in (I got the hint, and we’ll be visiting toward the end of September). Friends gave me a home-made hamper of European food :-)

When it comes to birthdays I must admit my inner child does come out and I get quite excited to receive cards and presents. The inner child is normally suppressed by my inner teenager; and keeping him under control occupies my outer grown up fairy much of the time.

What wisdom can I offer up, gentle reader, now that I have turned thirty-something plus one? Not so much, really. I’m quite surprised things have turned out as well as they have! My middle-classed life in Strumpetville, ordinary though it may be, is (I think) the product of a few simple elements:

• Dogged determination – never giving up

• A positive attitude – seeing the glass half full

• Not letting innocence, or perhaps naivety, give way to cynicism

• Being open to new experiences

• Having a clear idea of what you want

• Leaving the ‘attitude’ at home.

It’s actually not easy to blog when you have a good job, nice home, great relationship, and caring family – it’s either dull or saccharine-sweet. But we persevere – life always has its ups and downs!

Still, that doesn’t matter because it’s MY birthday – as an aside this makes me a Leo which is double-plus fantastic, and gives me the excuse of partying for a month as well – and as usual I have enjoyed myself immensely.

Roar.

400

A typically lazy Sunday morning Chez Frumpella… I leave Fella lying in bed (he can sleep for Strumpetville that one) put on the coffee machine and go into the second bedroom/office/my den (what it’s rapidly becoming) to catch up on my reading, and my blogging. It’s a way of being lazy and not lazy. I read, I post, I catch up and slowly drift into the job search, studying, or prep for the week ahead my Sundays are about. When Fella emerges we may spend some time together before lunch. The afternoons he spends catching up with his TV (I’ve got him hooked on Star Trek!), and I get on with my own thing, maybe go out for some shopping. Later we’ll spend more time together, perhaps put on a film or do some gardening and so the chilled day wends into the evening, a nice dinner and back to bed.


That is the life of the domesticated Cheerful Fairy. A thoroughly pleasant life it is too. 400 posts in, and we can safely say our journey is by and large complete.

400 posts. There will be more of course; much remains to be done – civil partnerships and kids/not kids and all manner of future challenges. But no more for finding Mr Right or Mr Right-Now.

No more for coming out either. But then I’m still not fully into gay culture; film, books, etc. Lots to see and read and discuss.

Nevertheless, I can confidently post this: I am, perhaps for the first time, living my own life on my own terms. Not living in a shell of someone else’s devising; not trying to live up the expectations of others; not trying to follow the herd . Nothing to hide behind, but then no longer trying to hide.

Where next then? You see gentle reader, it is difficult to compose scintillating prose when one is resolutely ordinary. But I like diarising out loud if you will, so I’m not done with blogging yet.

I clearly had something quite different in mind when I started this blog; but it quickly became something of far more use and led of itself to meeting some wonderful people. It chronicles my three great affairs, and the lesser passing fancies – too numerous to recall even if I cared to.

A lot of water under the bridge. Thank goodness there is so much more to look forward to…

Des and Troy

Youth and beauty… those are the name of the big gay game, no? Well, that and having a great big… zest for life.


Well, I’ve been working on the youth and beauty thing and notwithstanding my inability to turn back the hands of time I think I’m doing OK.

As always, it is through others I seek my validation… and after quite while of dieting and exercising things have started to happen.

Yes gentle reader – it is true. People have begun the rippling gorgeousness of the Cheerful Fairy. I mean – wow. Who would have thought it? Here I am – being complemented on my hard work by other gay men!!!

I guess it first started when we were in the cottage in Herefordshire and the other gay man, apart from me and Fella (he deserves a greater epithet than gay-man#3 to be fair, but needs must), commented on my nice arms. Me! Putting on a gun show, eh?

Since then I’ve had colleagues comment on how much weight I’ve lost, and friends on how buff I’m becoming. Well, my vanity needs little feeding to grow and grow, so I take it all with a pinch of salt but I must admit it is nice in particular to get noticed by other gayers.

I’ve lost about 7 lbs (3kg) but I’ve been doing lots of weights alongside my running and swimming, and I must admit it is a huge motivator to know it’s paying off.

Alright… maybe it’s a bit wrong of me to subscribe even in part to the more superficial aspects of gay life. But, after many years of just not looking after myself as part of my closeted life; and then to get so ill and to lose so much weight that is regained as, basically, lard… I’m quite proud of myself and – frankly – being an introvert the confidence boost is appreciated.

On Wednesday I’m going, alone, to gay networking event in Soho called Village Drinks and I would never DREAM of going there unless I felt in some way I could hold my own.

I’m going to keep working on my figure until I go back to college in October – only a few short weeks to get as much out of myself as possible. After that I will maintain my improvements, but can’t realistically go to the gym six times a week, attend classes, do my homework and work.

Speaking as someone who likes his carbs and it engaged to a world-class chef getting to this stage has not been easy. And the time limits mean I can’t lose too much weight. But the object is not to be a muscle-mary or try and be the twink I never was. It’s to feel good about myself. And to have everyone in Strumpetville feel good about me too!

Spring

Well, spring has sprung gentle reader. The days are getting longer, the flowers are blooming... all is well.


Yes, all is well. Fella and I have gone some good way to patching things up. For quite a while there I was ambivalent at best about our relationship but right now things are looking much more positive. To help cement this renaissance we did something we’d danced around for some time... we bought a car.

A blue Volkswagen golf, christened Morag, and proudly ensconced in our garage as a symbol of putting the past behind us.

The car will make it a lot easier for us; I have already planned the road-trip to visit my mother in Germany – no more silly baggage restrictions meaning we can’t take home some nice German wines, bring gifts etc. And we can make it scenic and touristy on the way. It also means I can go to the garden centre and get some proper, plants and soil for our large balcony, which will give me a chance to indulge my green fingers.

Plus, we are soon to go on holiday to a cottage in Wales with some friends, and the car will be invaluable for that too.

Yes, having a car is good.

Having a fiancé? Well, that’s OK too!

And spring is in the air...

Actually what I need to do is make some big changes. I think recent events are the culmination of a long slow build up of pressures in a variety of areas, and it’s time for me to address the fact that in some areas I am truly unhappy. Obviously when someone is unhappy in one area then it can impact on other areas of their life.

The two main areas are my work and my health; or more accurately my level of fitness. But the headline has to be Getting What I Want.

Focussing on that will mean less leaning on my relationship for support, or using the fact that I am trying to make a relationship work as an excuse to accept a whole load of crap. Our relationship will always require effort and work, naturally; but it doesn’t mean I should let the other areas slip – or do things by myself.

I’ll bog more over the next few posts about exactly that the problems are and how I want to tackle them. But on the positive side Fella and I continue well enough and that’s a good foundation to tackle the other things.

Chez Fairy

I know, gentle reader, I have been neglecting you for far too long. Even with my Fella and my work, study, social lfe etc I blog more frquently than this! What could have happened?

Well, let me tell you…

Fella and I have moved in toghether! Ta daaa!! Yes, we've take nthe plunge. We saw a place we liked on 26 July, signed the lease a week ago, and began moving our stuff in. The down side, of course, is the interruption to my broadband service and hence, as with last June, a break in my blog posts – I have to wonder, incidentally, why telecommunications companies must move with such glacial slowness.

But the up side is we are in our own place, not just confiend to one room or disrupted by commuting from one place to another.

I am, of course, neglecting the most important thing. The new flat! Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, kitchen, large balcony, windows, walls and ceilings… all mod cons bar the dishwasher (which I shall sorely miss). Good size, good price, and very near to where I have lived this past few years so a covnenient move all in all. For me.

Fella will takerather longer to onstall and I'm beginning to worry that he feel's it's becoming "my" place rather than "our" place as only my stuff is in it. However, next weekend (once I've cleared my old place) I shall head up to where Fella currently has his stuff and help him shift it to. We can manage until then…

Still, we're very pleased and excited and already the freedom having our own place gives. Fella has recently got onto the College's Career Development Programme which alongside our studies and busy working lives means two bedrooms are very handy. As for moving in and sharing the apce and tiem we have now… we certainly haven't missed the broadband very much! And when Fella isn't there with me I feel the place is too big and too empty; it's definitley the right place for us to share.

Going forward we have the whole rigmarole of putting what where, decorating, and buying new stuff together… and of course our respective studies, work and hobbies to fit into our new shared routine. But of course first things first our housewarming must be organised! Stay tuned for news of that J

We have been amazingly lucky this past few weeks, both with the flat and in other areas, and I hope our good spell lasts and lasts. And once all ourservices are up and running I'll blog a bit more freqently: promise. But in the meantime this is my hurried between-meetings-in-the-office update!

Planning

I’m very proud of Fella right now because he has got an interview on Thursday for a permanent job at the Royal College where he works. I’d helped him with the application form so I am a little bit pleased my efforts helped rather than hindered!

He’s at home preparing for the interview, and in touch by email. I’m here thinking about the possibilities of a rather nice bottle of wine given to me for my birthday. And I’m really rather happy.

The piece of music in the YouTube video at the bottom of this post is a new one to me, though the composer is one I rather like. As soon as I heard it, it made me think of having Fella wrapped up in my arms. I’d love to listen to it whilst just holding him…

We talked at the weekend about Fella’s birthday. He made a huge effort with mine and I want to reciprocate if not surpass his efforts. His birthday falls on a Saturday. The plan so far is: work drinks on Friday night; birthday lunch with his family (cross fingers me too) on the Saturday followed by partying the night away in Soho with his friends; and I’ll take him to dinner on the Sunday :-)

But I have hit upon, for his birthday present, a jolly wheeze that I’m rather proud of. I’ve decided to take him to Paris in October on the Eurostar for a long weekend. All my treat.

The plans for this weekend are drinks on Friday, then Saturday as a quiet day together. Sunday a friend is having as birthday party and then the Monday is a bank holiday so who know what whims may take us, and where?

Weekends and birthdays and holidays oh my.

It’s nice to plan ahead. It’s nice to be able to plan ahead. If he does get the job then we may plan ahead indeed, double-plus oh my!

I shouldn’t count chickens till they’ve hatched but the theme that emerges, gentle reader, is that I plan for us. Fear not, however: loved up though I am I have not entirely lost my head! It really is difficult to recognise sometimes we are barely past three months; and we are, at most, planning ahead to month five. But a cheerful fairy can dream, can’t he?

UP!

This is a post in two parts. That’s probably a good thing, gentle reader, because my post output has been much diminished over the last few weeks. I guess we know why, don’t we? :-)

The best thing to report is that since my birthday things for my gorgeous guy and I are on the up and up. One of the things I like best about my relationship is that after some wobbly moments at the start is that we seem to go from strength to strength. This trust thing is a lark isn’t it? I’m somewhat in awe how he and I become more affectionate and settled every week. And this weekend marked 13 weeks – three months – since we have been together.

On Friday Fella and I went to dinner at the Texas Embassy with some of his work colleagues, whom I have met several times before. In fact on the previous Wednesday we had all gone to The Orphan, which is actually rather good – Fella was most pleased as this is the third cinema trip our group had made and the last two films he had not liked; and this time it was his choice.

On Saturday we spent much of the day working on an application form for him – his current work contract is up in October but he has a great work ethic and a keen mind and all his colleagues love him so I know he won’t be out of work long. I liked helping him in that way. It was nice and… domestic… and especially pleasing was his efforts to reward me in a way that made it remarkably difficult to type

That evening we went, unplanned and spontaneous like – to see the annual drag queen race in Greenwich.

It was great fun and I got to meet more of his friends. We got on really well, which I know pleased Fella enormously and he had a great night which in turn pleased me. Despite my need to be up early we ended up dancing the night away and despite an unfortunate incident on the way home (see below) all was rather wonderful.

On Sunday I went to Kew Gardens to see some family – the Italian branch to be exact –who were on a visit to London. It was nice to see them even though four generations of Milanese chaos was somewhat wearing after but four hours sleep. I did invite Fella but in the end I let him stay at mine to work on his application. It was so nice to come home to him – he cooked me dinner and spent the night again; the third in a row – we fell asleep in each other’s arms watching TV and in the morning we discussed (1) him maybe keeping more stuff permanently at mine to save a lot of carrying back and forth and (2) considering perhaps, in the next 100,000 years maybe moving in together.

Well there’s so much more that happened recently I have plenty more posts to come! In the meantime happy happy joy joy.

Planning

Virtually every day my first though is about Fella and my wish to wake up with hm. I suppose it seems somewhat rambling-cum-soppy, gentle reader. I feel very lucky to have him.

I’ve posted before about he’s been distant when I compliment him or am affectionate. But I’m learning to recognise how much he gives to our relationship on every level. And he’s certainly much warmer about giving and receiving affection; we become more intimate on every level. I am, to put it mildly, satisfied. Content.

We went out last night to the Host Gallery on Honduras Street near Barbican to watch a screening of “Hell House”, a documentary about the efforts of a small conservative Christian congregation in the southern United States to graphically demonstrate their beliefs in a house of horror style showing. The documentary was very well made with the filmmakers passively observing the group planning and executing the event. Of course it was the usual: anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-premarital sex. The characters were sensitively portrayed and it didn’t try to get a rise out of them – it was well worth seeing.



We went home and there was wine and we talked until the early hours. Thus, and for other reasons, I have had very little sleep and once again my quiet evening in allows me to catch up on my rest – as I know he is at his home.

One aspect of our relationship is that we are planning relatively far ahead. As well as Fella’s birthday in mid-September around which there are tentative plans we have arranged things around the end of August and beginning of September. It seems strange to be in a position where we can plan six weeks ahead; it’s only nine weeks we’ve been together!

Fella and I are spending a record breaking three nights together at his home in Buckinghamshire, from 1 August. It feels to me like a romantic break away. I hope preparing for my arrival and having me there won’t stress him out!!

Of course having a hectic work life doesn’t help. I was an hour late meeting him yesterday because of a new service set up to manage the aporkalypse. I’m very keen not to be late for the romantic dinner we’ve planned to start off next weekend – so that in turn means planning my work very carefully. The holistic nature of a relationship, compared to dating. Dating fits around other commitments. My boyfriend and I fit things around us!!

This weekend is a quiet one. The first in a few. Sadly I shall probably be getting on with nothing more than a spot of work and doing work on the house with the Gardener. I think I’ll spend it productively planning nice things – wonderful things, perhaps – for Fella and I to do. Small things as well as big… but things for us. Because actions speak louder than words.

Trust

“The problem with this relationship is you don’t share my interest in not being with you” Homer Simpson to Marge.

Fortunately for me this make or break weekend resulted for Fella and I as a make! You can well imagine, gentle reader, my relief.

Perhaps that makes Frumpella seem like the scheming fairy… but I just decided that in this case it was worth the effort to try and fix things before I broke them. So knowing how much rested on this weekend I did go on a bit of a charm offensive to try and show I am witty and gay and all manner of delightful… but also to give him his space. A delicate balancing act, but when we met things seemed pretty good so I suppose it worked!

Anyway, after a pleasant drink, just the two of us, in town we went on to Dulwich for a friend’s party . I’ll admit that Fella earned himself some serious brownie points because everyone there knew me as his boyfriend which, you can understand, pleased me enormously. All in all it was a good night and I had a great time. And about 10pm while chatting to some people, him being some distance away, I looked at him across the room and had this… feeling. I can’t describe it but it was very… pleasant. I look forward to feeling it again.

Now, the thing about Fella and I (like most relationships at this early stage) is that a night together rarely involves enough sleep. So I suppose it was a bit risky (or conversely absolutely the perfect time) for us to Talk about Us on Sunday morning… but finally, in the right way, we did Talk. Not much was said, though it was all good: he doesn’t like me pushing how he feels so in return for not doing that he promised tat if something is ever wrong he will tell me. A good compromise!

So after everything we passed this little local nadir and all is well in Strumpetville. It seems for the first time in a long time I gots me a proper boyfriend. I don’t know how long it will last. I really don’t have any idea about ‘forever’. But I love the way he holds me so tight when we are asleep together; I’ve never been so stimulated physically by anyone before; and when he said on Sunday that I had the perfect amount of chest hair I melted a little inside (he likes to use my chest as a pillow and I most certainly do not complain).

No, I haven’t jumped off the cliff before now: so… here goes!!

Annum

Forgive my little rant just there; I didn’t really mean it. I just had to get it all off my chest in time for the anniversary.

This blog is a whole year old! What a year. It all started with Darren; I wasn’t expecting to be single ever again, and I wasn’t expecting this year to be the year it has but here I am…

Out and proud! I can’t really remember consciously deciding to come out to that large tranche of friends, family and colleagues that did not know. I started to come out to some closer friends because I was in love and wanted to tell them. But of course that didn’t work out. I was a bit blind, really. But I am proud of myself for doing what I think was a pretty brave thing for me and - instead of retreating back into my little closet – finally biting the bullet and telling everyone that I am gay.

Best thing I ever done did.

Overall my experiences have been great and while I will admit it isn’t very easy sometimes I wouldn’t really change a thing. As for fellas; there have been a few. Guys I’ve dated, assignations, brief relationships and so-on reach in total over the year of this blog well into three figures :-o

Yes, it seems Frumpella can’t get enough. But I am amazed how my sex drive has grown out of all proportion. And right now I am having the best sex ever!!

If 18 months ago someone had suggested that I would be asked out on dates by gorgeous guys; I’d have a serious of very, very good fuck-buddies; I’d still be going out looking for casual assignations; and I’d want a boyfriend… well, let’s just say I realise how lucky I am.

But enough about sex [back in its box it goes]. The thing I am most grateful for is my wonderful friends. I don’t think I could be a true friend while hiding something so fundamental so I’m glad I can finally be worthy of them.

What I do need to work on is my tendency to get totally infatuated with the particular guy I’m seeing. Cool… calm… collected. Frumpella might be none of these in the coming 12 months! In terms of relationships I am at square one. Much as I miss International still, and however unsure about Darren I remain…

Well, I do want that elusive Mr Right after all. I don’t care for this rubbish myth that I won’t find him by looking. I know I need to work only on being the best person I can be; if that isn’t good enough for no-one no-how then so be it. But why should I not actively seek the elements of life I haven’t really experienced yet? I just shouldn’t be too impatient I suppose. I’m still, really, learning the ropes.

Stay tuned gentle reader. The theme for 2009; cautious optimism and cock. This is THE year… in the meantime thank you for all your comments, queries and advice. Keep it coming, please. X

Yet more dating

Tuesday and Thursday I had dates this week. Very different of course, being completely different human beings! And I’m afraid they illustrate why Rule One is a good rule.

Tuesday's date and I had been waiting to meet for absolute ages, because he had been ill and I have, as always, been very busy. But there had been a lot of increasingly flirty – filthy even - texting and phone calls.

Well, when we met we got on very well. He’s at the younger end of my age range, but was very lively. Anyway as the evening progressed we became more and more frisky and eventually after more than we ought in a pub we ended up in St James’ Park and…

I have to say, it that’s how you show you don’t like someone I’m very confused about how you might show you do. Nevertheless, the next day our few desultory text messages petered out and that, it would appear, is that.

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure that he and I could have had a relationship. But still. The pressures of dating; everything has to be just so. It’s a bit much to live up to, don’t you think gentle reader?

Thursday, however, was totally Rule One compliant. We met in a pub in Dulwich, an area I don’t know – so picking the one pub in the area too cool to put its name on the outside was not the smartest move! Yet he arrived, and I’ll admit I was very taken with him. So much so that very early on in the evening I remembered Rule Two. Again, we seemed to get on well.

OK, I’ll admit his looking at all the other guys in the pub, and his inability to maintain eye contact, got me thinking early on that he wasn’t interested; he didn’t feel that spark everyone seems to demand.

Also, somewhat unsettlingly, in the pub was none other than my last long term girlfriend. We haven’t spoken for about three years; my being gay was something she couldn’t handle. And though we saw each other, we didn’t talk then and she left quickly. This is, to my mind, the kind of coincidence that would put anyone off their game. But I didn’t let it affect me too badly and I simply carried on in the hope the cascade of emotions running through me didn’t show.

Imagine, then, my surprise that given every opportunity to leave he unaccountable failed to do. And imagine further, if you will, my delight when he asked me out again at the end of the evening!

Well, he walked me back to my bus-stop, taking me slightly of the beaten path so he could kiss me (hurrah for muches smooches), and I went home a very cheerful fairy indeed.

I still have tonnes of dates etc lined up but Thursday was just so nice. Hopefully my date and I will meet again tomorrow, and if so I shall keep you posted. Either way it put a big smile on my face. And just when I was getting down about dating…

Datesville continued...

Let me tell you more about another one in particular of the lovely meN who seem to be just dying to take me out; double-plus hurrah!...

This time I refer to a guy from gaydar who asked me out on Valentine’s Day. I referred to him as date 2.5 because I think he’s very good looking indeed, and that we would not go out because of how exceptionally beautiful he is. How could he sustain an interest in Frumpella?

Nevertheless, as I said to friends in the week, I think I’m due a touch of the exceptionals, and here we are; date still on.

He works for a major national fashion retailer co-ordinating their window displays (I don’t think I can describe the job in a way that does it justice) and so travels all over the country. Thus he has a fair bit of time to text and chat and so we’ve also been in pretty much constant contact. I’ll admit he has a filthy mind – perhaps as filthy as mine - and we’ve exchanged more than just casual chat but we won’t actually be meeting till 28 February: dinner at his place!

Date 2.5 really made me smile recently. He asked me why I was single and I explained, briefly, that whilst at that precise moment I wasn’t technically looking, I was open to offers.

So, gorgeous romantic type that he apparently is, he later sends me a mock CV with covering letter in application for the position of Mike’s Boyfriend. What a lovely thing to do! As soon as I saw that a number of positions came to mind that might provide a suitable opening…

Dear me, gentle reader; I’m very lucky. I wonder what it is about February that makes a young gayer’s heart turn to love? Well, whatever it is, it’s most welcome.

Again, I’m glad I didn’t just rush off and jump into bed with him. And while the tone – in marked contrast with the South African – suggests after dinner there might be quite a show (pending the final test of actually meeting of course) our interaction done with an emphasis on building or starting a relationship.

Assuming all goes [very] well I’ll need to pick one of them eventually, but for the moment I’m enjoying the attention from these great guys… it’s certainly keeping me smiling!

Datesville

I was going to write about a couple of funny experiences I had with guys on various sites who became a little… obsessed I suppose, and in one case seemed to follow me from place to place for a while. I found that a bit unsettling but it seems to have stopped, so no harm done!

This is good, gentle reader, because I can tell you more about one in particular of the lovely me who seem to be just dying to take me out; double-plus hurrah!

I refer of course to the food technologist from Wanstead. And I will admit to you gentle reader that Frumpella is, for the first time in some time, quite the smitten kitten.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall tell you the story of the smiting…

We’d continued exchanging messages after he’d asked me out. And so it went, back and forth, in the usual manner… until Monday. After I got home from what was a truly challenging day at work, he suggested – not a welcome suggestion, I’ll admit – that we chat over MSN messenger using the webcam. Being a bit ticked off by the experience of the day I was not keen. Nevertheless, not wishing to put him off I reluctantly agreed to his proposal and so set up, began streaming, and…


Double plus gorgeous! His photos just don’t do him justice. To go with the gorgeousness he’s very sweet, very kind, very fit. Very much my type (tall; slim; not so far up his own arse there isn’t room for anyone else; and apparently afflicted by very poor eyesight!)

Poor eyesight, you ask? Well he seemed unaccountably taken with what he saw – and the camera does not love Frumpella. Yes, 27 February is still on for our date…

We chatted and chatted for hours and hours... and I’ll admit our conversation did tend to Rule one. Yes, the rule still stands; but we did carefully explore what the boundaries of rule might be, as it was agreed that we were mutually predisposed to some friendliness on the occasion of our meeting.

Since then we have called each other, texted, exchanged emails and he even 'phoned me today at work to see how my day was going.

What a sweetheart! Yes, he makes Frumpella a very cheerful (and very friendly) Fairy indeed.

I shall, of course, tell you about the other guys in due course… but in the meantime I must admit I’m glad I didn’t just rush off into an ill advised Rule 2 type date and took my time, insisting we stick to the end of the month. Well, even on this blog there’s a first time for everything!

Let me Be

Say what you like about Jeremy Clarkson, I love Top Gear and have spent a sizeable time crying with laughter watching the repeats on blokey channel ‘Dave’ (UKTV taking a refreshing line on channel naming that will soon no doubt be emulated by others; five becoming ‘Wank’ and ITV transformed into ‘D’uh’ whilst the BBC is renamed The Light Entertainment and Endless Repeats Crapper). Nevertheless I’ve never met another gay man who likes Top Gear, or Mr Clarkson in particular; he has a tendency to say disparaging things about the gayers which they don’t like. But then he says disparaging things about all manner of people; cars; animals; countries; indeed, virtually everything.

The point of all that is this: I like what I like and I never took a course in being gay or anything – who did? I don’t really do the stereotype and abhor the cliché. But it’s not easy. So, gentle reader, Frumpella: who he?

Well, contradictions abound; I like hardcore techno/rave and baroque classical music in equal measure; I like salads as much as man-flesh; I wasn’t gay, then I slept with every confirmed bachelor within 5 miles; etc…

I don’t think there is a tension between masculinity and homosexuality. As often mentioned I like(d) playing rugby and I like fixing things and I like growing things… all manly pursuits. If anything being gay has merely added a measure of civility to everyday life. Like indoor plumbing. But I worry that I’m only gay because I sleep with men (did I mention that?). I suppose it’s no small part of the definition of a gayer but it does sometimes surprise me that ostensibly straight or totally gay people still need to enquire after my sexuality. Harrumph.

In oh-so-many ways I’m double plus lucky in how well my first attempts to dress attractively and get in shape are going (I can definitely see how exercise might be addictive). God knows I’m meeting lots and lots of guys. On the other hand International loathes the fact I’ve slept with women; my family avoids the fact I sleep with men. I’m caught in the middle. The tensions make me feel like I’m Jack of all trades and master of none. Thank goodness for my friends; the rock on which my lighthouse is founded.

Finding your way in the world is never easy yet, for crying out loud, I’ve never really had it hard [boom boom]. The long and the short of it is I don’t like the pressure to be like this or look like that; and I don’t think I’d like it if I knew the right clubs, wore the latest fashions and did my hair just so. I am me. The one thing I am clear on is that I never ever will apologise or hide again from who and what I am. Hello world! Take it or leave it!!

Happy New Year

The final post of 2008, and here I am. Out at last! The premise of this blog has changed somewhat from that I first intended – and it seems strangely a long time since I started, so in love was I, to write about my favourite topic - me!

Now, after a naughty but nice nine months what will we make with 2009? In many ways I’m keen for a completely fresh start. I’m going part time at work so for the first time my business is no longer a side-line but a crucial element of my income. I’m in a strange relationship limbo – is something ending, is something beginning, do we still have to keep one foot on the floor at all times? But whilst the search for Mr Right continues I’ve had a lot of… fun this year and I’m not entirely keen for that to stop! Who or whatever is out there, I am also going to put an emphasis on Me in 2009 in other ways – building my business, looking after myself better, being the best person I can be whether or not He is at the end of the rainbow.

I suppose we’ll have to see how it goes. I’m healthier and happier than ever before and there are definitely worse ways of ending a year. Great friends, and good times; lots of new experiences, and lots of new opportunities. Yes, there have been tough times and I’ve been silly, stupid, and downright ignorant probably. But that’s all part of it; I’m a lucky guy.

Now though, it’s time to stop drifting… the motto for 2009 is: Carpe Annum!

A friend commented recently about his worry that with all these assignations I was putting myself in danger. That clarified in my mind the fact that never once sleeping around had I a bad time. The guy I should have been safe with repaid me with… well, nothing says I love you like a hairline fracture ;-) No wonder the year ended better than it started. I really for the first time enjoy being me and I’m just starting to get a sense of self worth. The only thing that hurts me is when people think I’m less than who I am; the only time I hurt myself is by being less than who I could be.

I hope you had a great 2008 gentle reader; and more than that I hope that 2009 is better yet. Happy New Year to you.

Someone

It was at 9:10 this very morning that I decided not to worry about it any more and, just as my train was pulling into London Bridge, accept the fact that I love him back.

For the moment he and I will be only able to love each other on 11, 17, 19, 20, 21, and 26 November. Which is lots of times if you consider he lives with his, well... his main boyfriend. I think that is the advantage of living very near to an international airport when having an International man of mystery as my boyfriend. 17 November is his birthday - I’m pleased that he’s spending it with me; and 19/20/21 will be at his place for a change as Ouch is away.

Yes, I’ve given into the exciting new phase of a proper relationship. I haven’t forgotten the circumstances; I just want to enjoy it. I want, just for a little while, to enjoy the feeling that somebody loves me without putting terms and conditions on it. Like not being able to say who I'm in a relationship with on Facebook. Or Ouch (I should come up with a better name for him now).

My work has taken an interesting new direction; from the end of the calendar year my project outputs so far are being mainstreamed into London wide NHS work. So, instead my team is being expanded slightly and we’re splitting the city into three sectors and I’m getting deputy operational management of one of them. A new challenge; and in fact one I’m looking forward to. Sadly it appears the WHO job has been withdrawn. Well, opportunity is where you find it! I’d like to work abroad though; sometimes I feel like buying a one way ticket to anywhere… perhaps if things don’t work out with International it will provide the impetus I need.

As for my relationship with him – my new boyfriend tee hee – some friends have organised an intervention. They’re going to interfere with me at Das Boot on Tuesday; I’m not sure whether this means they approve (but are concerned) or disapprove (and want to stop me). Whether or not they read this blog [they do] they know I’m sometimes overcome with insecurities. I don’t want to repeat history; I’m afraid of the unknown. I look good* and have a great job, great friends, etc; but I must do better!

Well that’s probably a long enough stream of confidence for today, gentle reader. But on a final note I really do still feel that it’s the right time to be with someone; and hearing I love you and being able to say I love you… well, that’s made me feel happy.

Fairyland

Hello there, gentle reader! How goes it? The sun is shining in Fairyland today, and everything’s just as wonderful as could be. It’s been one of those days today; gorgeous weather, actually getting somewhere at work, strangers smiling back at me, catching up with friends. I’m so lucky, I really am.

I got my first pay from my new job today so I went out and bought myself a very cute alarm clock – a retro one with the two bells on the top. Expensive and gorgeous; much like yourself.

As for the rest, I do have some work to do this weekend but apart from that it’s all fun, maybe a bit of retail therapy tomorrow before I meet International. Then of course is my date. Academic on Sunday, Nick on Tuesday and jetting off into the sunset on Thursday.

I was talking with a friend – the one who was moving to Brighton but now has decided to join the Army… - about what kind of guy he was looking for and I realised I don’t really have a type per se. I tend to default to someone like me; and as I put it to my friend I’m desperate, not blind!

The age range I started with on various profiles was 28 to 32 (as I was 30 that seemed OK). Happy experience made me move to 25 to 40. Reality has seen 20 to 54.

A method suggested to me on OUT was half my age plus eight as a base (24) and then my upper limit would be someone else’s lower limit at 31 – someone aged up to *gasp* 46. That system works well it would seem – if you’re 18 (lucky b*tch), the range is 17 to 20. If you’re 50 it goes 33 to 84.

Anyway, I suppose it’s good to be open minded – I’m still finding out what I like really, though, rather than being open to anyone. I feel bad sometimes when someone expresses an interest but they’re not my type (see, I can do it gentle reader) and I feel terribly shallow for not liking, for example, overweight men. And I avoid ones with no ‘face-pic’. Bad, I know. But then I don’t like the pretty boys, overly camp gayers or bitchy queens. So, then someone like me. Perhaps my Mr Right is a man made of mirrors?

Let us then examine my lovers (oh what a thrill to write in such terms). All are white. Early to mid 30s. Medium build. My height or taller, but not much. Different hair colour, eye colour, etc. All are educated professionals. Personalities differ markedly; as do ‘styles. They range from the endlessly romantic to the entirely selfish. But they all have aspects that I like [well, d’uh] so here we are. My book is yet unwritten but still a spanking good read. I hope.

Well, I’m in too good a mood to derive any powerful insights today so I leave you with not one, but two [count ‘em] vids. Share and Enjoy.

The Turtle Moves

Well, I’m done with the domestic goddess routine. The Academic can take it or leave it. I managed to get rid of some old clothes too – now that I’ve come out I can’t keep going around in the same old rags now, can I?! Which reminds me – it’s dress down Friday tomorrow. What a dreadful idea. I like to dress up smart and wear my posh-frock to work. A well tailored shirt certainly 'does' and suits certainly suit.

Today I have two new friends on Facebook; one of whom is a fellow blogger and the other a lady I went to university with and haven’t seen for years and years. It’s great to catch up with people after all this time; what is and what might have been etc. On a sadder note (for me) one of my oldest friends (met at High School!) is heading off around the world soon and though we’ll probably meet up before they go I will miss them. I’m trying to get them to start a blog; and then we can share their adventures together, gentle reader!

All this change… I’ve really been feeling on edge for a little while. Like… something’s going to happen. Like it’s spring. I don’t know what it is. I am very much looking forward to having the Academic over to stay; that certainly has put me in a good mood. And generally getting things done is quite uplifting for me too; Lord knows the flat needed the attention! Making new friends is always fun. I’m getting my five portions a day. The weather’s been dreadful - but on the other hand my new moisturiser promises younger looking skin in but four weeks… And sometimes when you smile, the world smiles with you. But I don’t think it is any of those things. Perhaps I’m getting an inkling of how lucky I am. Well, some insight couldn’t hurt.

Whatever ‘it’ is, it’s to be enjoyed while it lasts. In the meantime double-plus hooray for snuggles and smooches and all the fun you can have with a man. I’ll tell you all about it on the next post.