Friday, 31 October 2008
Speaking of gorgeousness, I am while writing this online cruising – gaydar and squirt – and hopefully things this weekend will be a bit more exciting than my current plan which is staying in and writing my Opus Dei on mental health services.
As for work, though only at my new office for two months I have spied what may be my next career move – with the World Health Organisation, working in London and (occassionally) Geneva. I speak excellent German and give good French; what could be more ideal?
Anyway, I now have a couple of guys on the boil so let us keep our fingers crossed! It’s been six weeks since I haunted these chat-rooms last and I feel out of practice. Largely due to the frenetic activity I engaged in previously. Ho hum. Perhaps it’s like riding a bike… Strumpetville remains a friendly town.
I had counselling session number three yesterday. I wasn’t really in the mood – a long day, a short lunch and friends later – but we explored my childhood and my career in great depth and my counsellor took lots of notes to review – so who knows what he will come up with next week. He really does persist in the belief I find it challenging to practise safe sex which is irksome (and inaccurate) to say the least. I hope I am able to persuade him of my good behaviour!
In a further effort to be good, at least to myself, I have concluded that it is probably time to wind things up with International. There were only three ways it was going to happen; either I do it, which will be tough, he slowly drifts away, which will be really tough, or he dumps me, which would destroy me. So the lesser of three evils then – and hence the first step of going back onto the market. I’m not yet convinced my full allotment of wild oats has been sown though I’m not quite ready to resume the search for Mr Right quite yet. My friends last night approved of my decision; I hope you do too gentle reader. It will leave me feeling a bit sad. I hope I stick to my guns! And in time dating, boyfriends, and (I hope) love.
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
He came on Monday as arranged – I met him off the Eurostar and we travelled across London together though managed to behave until we got back to my apartment. Once there, naturally, my clothes fell off almost immediately and although we had only about 12 hours together my chart is in fact quite a full one.
Of course that meant neither of us had much sleep; and on Tuesday I went out with a friend for drinks after a long day and with no dinner so ended up getting quite tipsy. I hope I wasn’t a dreadful bore!! We went to a gay bar called The Stag in Victoria, which I know purely because a date took me there once and, well, it was a very good night! Those were the days – if only I’d had to fill in my chart then, eh?
Well, those days may not be quite over yet…
Tonight I had a date; my first for weeks and weeks. It was perfectly pleasant evening at the Oval Lounge in Oval itself; a couple of drinks and a light meal. Inconsequential chatter. He was nice enough – and quite good looking too. And Irish, which gets me every time. But there was no *click* and in any event he strongly reminded me of Mark which, while not a deal breaker, made me a bit warier than I otherwise would have been. So not much chance of a date two really.
After I got home on Tuesday I became quite upset as International has gone for the time being and I am (relationship-wise) ever yet of barren stock; indeed, there is no plan as yet to see him again and my messages to him have as yet gone un-replied to. This gives me angst! But Monday did reinforce my insight that really International is not going to leave Ouch for me and really I don’t expect – or particularly want - that.
Well, where does that whirlwind leave me? Time is marching on. And one of the things I have noticed is I tend to have more sex when dating then when in a relationship – another thing that blasted chart brings home to me. So – get your judging wiffles ready gentle reader – I have in fact arranged, via the Frumpella’s friend t’internet, an assignation or two for the weekend. And I am looking to arrange more. After all, I can’t hold back the years but I can make them go with a bang!
Monday, 27 October 2008
Katherine, the much loved and faithful wife, was put away by Henry when the vivacious and ambitious Anne appeared, reinvigorating his passion. But when Anne became the queen what had attracted Henry to a lover repulsed him in a wife. Anne became increasingly unpopular and isolated and in the end she was beheaded. Katherine died alone and heartbroken. Henry went on to find some measure of happiness with another (and another and another and another but that’s not for here).
The lessons of history are instructive indeed.
A year ago I went to Milan for my cousin’s wedding. There and then I had not come out to anyone in my family and many of them still do not know that I’m gay. It’s not a secret, any more of course; I just am not that close to them. However my cousin has now made contact with me through Facebook, and my profile plainly states that I am a burgher of Strumpetville, capital of Fairyland. So the time has come to explain to her that Frumpella likes the boys. In and of itself that is fine, though my cousin is a fairly conservative catholic. The only downside is that she’ll probably tell her parents – whose opinions I could care less about as I dislike them. But they are quite close to my mother and I don’t want to complicate things for her. Still I can’t change my family any more than I can change the fact I am Family. What will be will be, I suppose.
I have also come out to a very old friend of mine, Richard, who I’ve known for about 10 years but lost touch with when he moved to Sydney a while ago. Facebook again brought us together but what’s interesting about him is that he is gay and ironically I helped him when he was coming out to his family. Also I briefly dated one of his sisters. So this is a bit awkward for me too.
Nevertheless on both counts I am glad it is done.
Tonight of course is the big night – International will be mine, all mine for a night. Of course I’ve scrubbed and cleaned and filled the apartment with food and wine… Tuesday I’m meeting a friend for a drink. Wednesday is my date-ette. Thursday my third counselling session and then meeting yet more friends for yet more drinks. And Hallowe’en? My quiet night in for this week I think. Unless I get invited to a party of course *ahem*...
Sunday, 26 October 2008
It was a wonderful evening – we spent much of it in each other’s arms – and we covered a lot of ground. He talked at length about how much I mean to him and how special he thinks our relationship is. He gave me the CD we had played in Spain. We talked about Darren and coming out and I even told him about this blog – though he is forbidden to read it.
It feels good to be able to be so honest and open about things with International. The only exception really is the occasional date I had when International and I were starting out –and that’s purely because I know he doesn’t like it. The big omission so far is his existing relationship with Ouch and what International and I are going to be in the future.
I remain, of course, thoroughly enamoured and his description of how he feels for me… well, it didn’t hurt. I am eager to express to him how I feel too, and perhaps soon I will; I hold back because… well, the boyfriend. Also International is applying for jobs in Amsterdam and Paris and I’m watchfully waiting to see where I fit in with these plans. Would I go with him if he asked me to? Seriously, I might.
Last night I went with one of my best friends to “Second Bite of the Cherry”, which was Eurovision, but with each country’s runner up entry (how Ireland ended up with that turkey I can never know – check out the Republic’s runner up). Of course I used the time afforded by the clocks going back by getting quite tipsy, and crowned the evening by setting my apartment on fire at 4am while cooking. But overall a good night even if the smoke damage will take a while to undo!
My friend (who is clearly a bad influence) encouraged me to go back out dating other people – portfolio dating it was described as, and indeed we came up with brand new Rule 8: have no more lovers than you can count on the fingers of one hand. I, coincidentally, have tentatively set up a ‘date’ with a guy for Wednesday. To be honest I’m not really sure I should and in truth my heart isn’t in it, but he asked me so why not? Still open to meeting new friends after all… though that is what International was supposed to be and look at me now, gentle reader! Dissonance is my handmaid.
Friday, 24 October 2008
Another cracker of a week over with gentle reader. I still have some work to do over the weekend but phew! It took 10 hour days with no lunch but it’s done. 11 minutes ahead of schedule no less.
Being so busy means the weight is just falling off (76kg now!) and in fact if I don’t stop now I’ll be under-weight having lost 15 kg, or 33lbs, in 7 months. People are beginning to comment and I must admit I like the lean look of me; so much so I embraced dress down Friday and wore something more figure hugging. I just felt like showing myself of a bit - I'm still trying to get those before and after pics together ;-)
Anyway, I’ve been with International now (for a given value of ‘been with’) for five weeks and three days.
Yes, I see you rolling your eyes “oh, how bourgeois - another post about His Nibs”. Is it? Or is it? Well, read on and find out.
When thinking of my history over the last few months this tends to be the point the wheels fall off the wagon for me. The fact he and I spend hardly any time together, for reasonable reasons to be sure, is I think in part the reason for things being absolutely wonderfully fine. But in other ways it’s deeper than that.
Over the last year - being almost exactly a year since Darren and I started - I have come somewhat full circle and am a lot clearer on what I want from a relationship; any long term relationship. And that is pretty much the whole move in together, ‘marriage’, mortgage, fidelity thing. Perhaps regular readers will find that odd. I hope not. Of course an open relationship remains a possibility but I would indulge the openness to the fullest degree and what of the relationship then?
Yes, the proper grown-up bit is what I want – almost desperately want. As I’ve suggested before it comes from coming out quite late. Focussing on academia, career, etc at the expense of relationships, and, vicariously, family and friends has (now that I have come out and am on the right path) left me with a modicum of doubt and fear – I have a lot of catching up to do. Do I have the time to make the mistakes and learn from them that others had? Of course I have corrected the biggest mistake of them all: I’m here now. I’m learning to make the most of it!
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Nevertheless I was somewhat pleasantly surprised when over the last week or so three ‘old flames’ – well, not old flames; old dates mostly - got in touch. Yes, T, R and even A (my very first date after Darren) have been in touch.
I thought it was quite sweet; naturally none of them is going “I’ve thought of nothing but you since that night we had a drink/kissed/the other thing” but it was good to hear from them even so. I shall always be particularly fond of T for various reasons and of the three if he wanted to meet up again then I’d be sorely tempted.
As it happens I’ve made up a little bijou rule-ette about this – as soon as it becomes clear that International and I are really just ‘having fun’ or exist in the of broadest terms like that, then I really will be out there again: but for the moment I am disinclined to do that. And that [he shrugs] is just how I feel.
As for International, we shall be seeing each other on Thursday just so I can see him; and if all goes well he shall be spending Monday night with me, hurrah! He’s out of the country between the two events so it fits well with his schedule which is something… I suppose. So this weekend I shall be cleaning and baking and just generally going for the 1950s-Housewife of the Year Award – and I may take at least a half day off work which may be no bad thing right now.
Saturday I am out with a friend and former colleague. I’ve been invited to something called “second bite of the cherry” which essentially is Eurovision but with each country’s runner up song rather than their actual entry. Sounds super smashing, and will run till long after the clocks go back - a good night out like that will be very, very welcome.
This moment, of course, a good night’s sleep will be very, very welcome so till next time; God Bless gentle reader. And to celebrate the world of work...
Saturday, 18 October 2008
In other news I did meet International on Friday after all.
He kissed me when we met at my office and we walked to Green Park together and sat watching all the wildlife in such beautiful surroundings. And we talked. About ‘Us’.
I said I couldn’t define the options for us without risking putting him off as I did not know where he wanted us to be. I explained that I did not dare to dream of coming between him and his boyfriend; and that whilst eyes open had not thought through to the end when I entered into the affair.
International's view is he sees something for us in the future but he's not sure what might happen. He said that he and Ouch had been in an unhappy place for some time and that he felt things might naturally be coming to an end.
Of course I have never wanted to be the catalyst for such a thing and protested that for my own life I should never seek the like; if he were free it might be a different matter but I was especially firm that I did not want to be the rebound fling. Or to be resented in three, six, nine months when things were less than perfect and all the trouble becomes perhaps too much to bear.
I did however try to explain how I feel about him - that he has me in more ways than one. He said he felt the same way too “a bit” (!). But I did also say this… relationship we have is so challenging and intense that I often feel that we should stop while we [I] still can.
After International I went on to catch up with a group of friends and former colleagues, amongst whom was a lady who we might describe for the purposes of this post as my secretary in my old job. And she asked me the most pertinent question of all: is he the right one for me?
The more I think about that the less I know. I’m consumed with him; I’ve never felt quite like this about anyone. I’m in completely unexplored territory. We didn’t plan on a relationship – we’ve never even really had a date. But I know that while I’m with him I can’t be with anyone else.
I don’t know what I’m doing and it scares me. I’m trying very hard not to fall totally in love but I want him so much so much so much…
Friday, 17 October 2008
It seems that international and I may not be meeting on Friday as planned. I don’t have much of an explanation from him about why we may not meet; in fact it’s all up in the air at the moment.
I think this is one of the less salubrious aspects of having a somewhat clandestine affair; waiting at the end of a phone (email, instant messaging service, whatever) juggling other commitments just in case the lovers can arrange a tryst.
In some respects I am quite relieved. Subterfuge just isn’t me. At the moment there is no reasonable prospect of physical intimacy; if we do meet tomorrow we are going to Talk and maybe that will be the end of that. Maybe that will be for the best. I care for him so very much but it asks too much of me, gentle reader...
Tonight I had my second counselling session. I thought it would only be one hour but it was two; we talked about me coming out, how I would react if I ever did catch a STI, and how my parents tackled the subject of sex (mainly being steered by my mother toward ‘romantic’ novels and a rather stilted enquiry from my father when I was 12 about whether I’d been told about the birds and the bees). We also planned out the remaining eight sessions of the programme – except the next session, which we’ll dedicate to my ‘history’. I was tempted to tell him to just read this blog, but restrained myself!
My idea was to explore whether my behaviour is ‘normal’; my fears about never meeting Mr Right etc; why I find it difficult to just go out and meet men; coping with being single; and what I should look into once the sessions come to an end.
The counsellor suggested self esteem; what being gay means to me; relationships; confronting my issues; goal building; and my ‘social role’.
Well, we shall see how it goes. I’m beginning to perceive that it will be useful overall. It will be about four months until it’s all over; I shall keep you informed.
As for the rest, I really have been too busy to pursue much with anyone else. I am right now swamped with work. The curse of being a strategic lead in a perennially crisis ridden service I think. My back wall is festooned with post-its of all colours! Much of this weekend will be consumed with making progress – my 9 to 5 is about running to stand still! Don’t get me wrong, the work is fantastic and my new place is not polluted by the factional fighting and hidden agenda that have marked most other large bureaucracies I have worked in. And in truth I can stick to office hours quite easily.
But I hunger for man flesh.
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Half of you think I should just get back out there, and do you know, I think I’m inclined to agree?
It would seem that at the moment I’m quite popular. Unaccountably so. Perhaps rumours of my rippling gorgeousness have gotten around? Well, perhaps not.
The adjective ‘popular’ has been most risible when applied to my sex-life in the past. Yet at the moment it seems I am Gayer of the Month. Six, count ‘em gentle reader, six fine young fellas have started flirting with me on out. This includes the fitness instructor and the student nurse. Of the others one that interests me greatly is a gregarious environmental lawyer. Here’s hoping!
The thing that is of interest in this case is that five of the six are in their 20s. Indeed, they range from 20 to 28 with the mode being about 23.
Now, using the formula set out before from out (half your age plus eight) my age range would be 23 to 46; but as we know we kissed that goodbye some time ago. So I suppose that works out (the ones younger than 23 I discounted anyway). But I am still unsure where this renewed interest in Frumpella came from.
Yet I’m so busy with work at the moment; never before have I needed to consider forgoing a bit of man flesh because of work. The Horror!! I never want to be that grown up!!!
Speaking of which, I saw International today and there were muches smooches indeed. Not much occurred because even in Vauxhall some things are frowned upon. I did half suggest we go to the local Chariots and generally expressed my keenness for some trouser friendly kisses but no; smooches only! Nevertheless, he is going to spend Friday night with me and that will be mighty fine…
Yes, we still need to work out how this affair is going to work. I am unhappy abut the whopping great Untruth that will have to be told to Ouch to make Friday work (the pretence of a course lasting three days rather than two). International pretends that this is his problem alone but it is not; so in the absence of trouser friendly kisses we must have Truth.
International and Ouch are In Love. And for my part I hardly, to put it crassly, intend to create a vacancy for myself. International I think would prefer that we delve not too deeply into this issue. As is evidenced from my push me-pull you posts I haven’t really though things through properly though at least I have some mental ground rules. But I can at least be as much a friend to International as a lover so I don’t mind talking about his relationship and the pressures on it (not least from me) etc. This, in International’s view, makes me “too nice”.
Ever was he a good girl – yet practised at being no lady… what will happen next?
Sunday, 12 October 2008
I introduced a friend of mine to my blog yesterday and that gave me an opportunity to re-read my own first posts from March this year. It was a bit embarrassing really, to see the parallels between here and now. And I don’t want this to be the blog of history repeating!
I care for International very deeply. I’ve become infatuated. I do that! I don’t know how deeply he feels for me though, so I need to be careful; when we do break up it will be quite tough. So I think I should be open to other people coming along. International was, I know, very unhappy about ‘sharing’ me with Academic; but I think that attitude unfair with Ouch on the scene.
By co-incidence today I’ve been chatting to a guy called Lee. Lee lives in Grimsby, which is far-far away, but we got on really well so I think we will definitely meet up at some point soon when he is able to come down to London. Being that he is a 28 year old fitness instructor, yes I think we really definitely will!
Also I was asked out by a student nurse of my acquaintance – he’s only 23 bless him, and insists, infuriatingly, on communicating solely in text speak - but if he wants to go for a drink with me then, well, why not?
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not about to jump into bed with any of them (then again I never intend to, do I ?) but I think it would not be good to close all the doors purely because of this situation with International.
Call them my lifeline. ‘In case of emergency’ dates. Insurance.
In other news Nick and I went to a rather fine wine tasting evening tonight which helped take the edge off. Being still poorly I wasn’t in the mood to get up to much with him but I had a good time and quite a shopping list too! Nick’s a sweetie.
This weekend I also tried to console a friend whose been close to me for more than half my life and whose nine year relationship is going through a really rough time just when they were ready to jet around the world. I’m very worried; and quite angry with my friend’s partner. Not sure how much help I am; the lesson it has illustrated for me is I never really go through anything that bad. I just need to… get over myself!
Saturday, 11 October 2008
What I really need to do is Think about my time with International, however long that may be.
I can’t be this involved or overwhelmed by whatever this is and have it make me miserable. However it goes and however soon it ends, it has to be something that makes me feel good, that feels worthwhile. Because right now I am helpless in my need for him and that just isn’t healthy.
So in no particular order, here are my thoughts:
Ouch. If he weren’t around… yes it makes a difference. We’d both be acting differently; but then we can dwell for eternity on what might have been. I need to consider what may become. How open is this open relationship? Does he know of me?
Similarly, we’ve always been clear that International’s in a relationship and that is that. But is that that? I don’t dream of him leaving Ouch for me, and this being the threshold of sun-filled forever. In fact I have always preferred to suppose that he would never do that. I do, however, need to be a bit surer of where the three of us stand.
Thinking about that my main area of uncertainty is what is it about me that draws International? I really can’t imagine what I provide that fills whatever gap International seeks to fill. It may just be sex; who knows? In which case this is tawdry and temporary and my courtesan skills at grape peeling and the zither go to waste.
Because of course there is my final though for today; I have again, again, become infatuated quite precipitately; how do I know he feels the same? Why would he? Sometimes I worry that he has everything and I have nothing. He is beautiful and I am lost. I have no control.
Sometimes I just get annoyed with myself. Really angry, in fact. Coming out went well but it wasn’t easy and I don’t want to cheapen it and diminish all that has gone before by going down a road that I shouldn’t. What the hell am I doing? Oh yes, gentle reader, I must find peace of mind before I completely give away my heart.
In the meantime not to dwell; I have new ideas about my business and a lot of work to catch up on this weekend – the first quiet one at home for some time. Nary a thought to his kiss, his strong arms, our bodies together…
Friday, 10 October 2008
I had my first ever counselling session on Wednesday (I also had my second hepatitis B injection, and have been suffering horribly with side effects for the last two days). The counsellor is nice older gentleman and we spent the first session in a ‘getting to know you’ style. His office is remarkably close to mine and session two will apparently focus on safe sex. I hope it won’t be a “this is how to put on a condom” thing as I’m somewhat past that. In fact the only little niggle I have with the first session was his failure to accept the fact I practise safe sex and throughout my whole life have more than 90% rate of guaranteeing a crop failure when sowing the wild oats. And of course so much better than that since I’ve come out too; there is little virtue in dwelling on my ancient sins.
So the jury’s still out on that one; but in other areas not so much.
On Thursday night I went to das Boot to meet a good friend and former colleague – who herself has had a rough time recently but really sounds like things are looking up. Anyway, during a boozy night International called but it was a very stilted “hello, how are you?” conversation and it left me feeling somewhat at a loss. But when I stumbled in that night, he had sent me a very long romantic message and this is a portion of what he wrote:
I just wanted to say… that I really want to see you again. We left everything hanging up in the air in Spain and I really did not like that. I don't claim to know what we are doing; I certainly don't know what I am doing. Having said that, I suspect we may have something worth exploring. I hope I am not mis-reading the signals... God knows I am new to all this… and am not much of a catch with all my "baggage."
And my reply, after a night of misery and a day of contemplation… of course I’m going to see him again. Of course I am. I am a fool and I am weak I don’t whether it is more stupid to put myself in a position where he’ll break my heart; or to do knowingly nothing to control when it happens. I read this back to myself and perceive how I must seem to you gentle reader. But I am a stupid, weak fool who hopes to have the sun shine on his heart just a little while longer…
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
I’ll let you in on a little secret... I’ve fallen for International. Quite badly. Of course that doesn’t change anything; it was an affair, a fling, a holiday romance. But that in turn means I will feel a bit bruised emotionally for the time being… which, though sad, is to be expected. Anyway, there’s Rule 6 to consider: Give your heart to whom you will, but do so with your eyes open. I knew what I was doing/getting into… and I am content to suffer the consequences of my actions.
Nevertheless I feel a bit better today. My work-life is incredibly busy at the moment (much remains to be done before we are ready to announce our abject failure) and though I have no dates lined up at all, my social calendar is full too. I could use the distraction; I’m trying to be Frumpella the Cheerful Fairy and keep smiling.
The truth remains that I would prefer not to harm International and Ouch’s relationship however much that hurts me, and it occurred to me that it might be better just to stop now rather than keep my heartache going – I want to see him again, and God knows I want him to hold me again, but the more I see International the more I’ll feel like this. I don’t really know if we can be friends.
So I need to move on. A small number of votes on my little poll have come in; please vote – every little helps! I need to move on and find a new direction. Your assistance is much appreciated.
A few things recently (not least some turbulent priest calling for homosexuals to be tattooed and Pride marches to be banned) reminded me of how proud I am to have come out, and how much – good times and bad – I have to be thankful for.
I’m not the world’s nicest person – my sister and I joke that I got the brains and she got the heart – but alongside my IQ of 177 (honest) and an ass that won’t quit (or wouldn’t until International broke my coccyx) I really have become a much more extroverted and positive person; I have great friends and though the stock market is failing out of its own arse I’m reasonably secure - and healthy. Plus, of course, there’s my rippling gorgeousness! When going through my Malaga photos I came across some pre-diet pictures of myself and the difference between then and now [13 kg/27 lbs] is a sight to see – though much work remains to be done there too, I’m tempted to post them here just to show off. Hogzilla no more, gentle reader.
Something else from Spain
Monday, 6 October 2008
Everything about this long weekend was simply wonderful. Not a thought to the real world, beyond the confines of that little villa and its views of the sea. Just long days and nights of romance and passion; from swimming together in the clear blue seas of the Mediterranean to making love in the mountains above it, it was an idyll that ended too soon. The weather was perfect, the scenery stunning; sun filled blue skies and warm fragrant moonlit nights alive with crickets and cicadas. We explored ruined castles and tiny villages and I even overcame my shyness to join International on the gay nudist beach! We hired a little yellow car and drove around the empty roads to different places for lunch every day; all through Andalusia and Granada – though breakfast and dinner were always back at the villa ;-) I’ve spent every penny I had.
It was, in short, pretty much perfect - though International’s enthusiasm has caused some inconvenient injuries; and in fact he tried something I’d never done before and I rather wish he had asked permission in the first instance.
Nevertheless I forgive him utterly. It’s been such a long time since I was seriously romanced and I miss it already. And I miss International. He is one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever met and his body is gorgeous – watching him wander around the villa with nothing but a glass of wine or a cup of coffee was like watching an advert for wine or coffee. One that couldn’t be shown until the very late evening. How he could have tolerated the Hogzilla frumporama for so long eludes me.
So as you will understand, I am very sad to be back today, and in fact have been pretty tearful all of the day. Not being with him now is something I find painful. Of course during our time together we Talked, and - as I had always known - there is no prospect of coming between International and Ouch (which is a good thing) and that we may not in fact see each other again after this brief romance. And if we do it is likely to be just as friends. We may even ends up running together as was the original plan before horizontal jogging became our sport.
I went into this with my eyes as wide open as could make them – I only have myself to blame if the downside has a downside – so no maudlin posts from me. Though tonight for me I think a quiet night in with some DVD’s, a duvet and some white wine. And if anyone’s around a hug is always welcome.
This song I heard for the first time in Spain... it captures my mood perfectly
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
Nevertheless in each case each guy has felt differently to me and in each case I’ve been left feeling somewhat bewildered about why. Is it really possible to have a great time with someone who isn’t? Am I really missing the cues, body language, hints?
Each of the three dates I’m talking about was Rule 1 compliant but beyond that there were few common themes: weekdays and weekends; daytime and evening; ‘scene’ and non-scene. Really, the only common factor was yours truly.
I’m an introverted scientist type who’s spent an entire career analysing, investigating things, and just generally Thinking. But in the final analysis insight about what it is about me that is the problem is proving elusive, and that runs the risk of generating a feedback loop where I get more anxious about being unattractive, more desperate to be attractive, more and more needy and eventually as ill adored as I am ill starred.
One of the problems with not coming out till relatively late is that I never got to learn the rules the same way other people did. Hence, in part making up (and breaking) my own. You know; the unwritten/unspoken rules that make other people seem to effortlessly to get boyfriends and girlfriends and have all the things I never knew I missed. And I think people can, subconsciously, tell.
Yes, as you may have guessed it’s got me feeling a bit down – serves me right for not sticking to the detox!
Actually to be fair there has been more than one occasion when someone has liked me and I have not felt the same way. But that has been rare. And in fact I tend to be quite surprised too when someone does like me! There’s that dissonance again…
I really can only try to be the best person I can be – work hard, keep healthy, live life; still a work in progress, this gayer. But I really do need this break! This time tomorrow I’ll be in Spain, ready to enjoy a bit of sunshine and cuddle up in the arms of my lover.
In the meantime, a poll (on the right here): do you think I should re-start my month off from dating as I fell off the wagon, or do you think I should get back in the game on 14 October as planned? Let me know.
But here’s a thing, gentle reader: a thought.
Thinking deep thoughts is so rare for me that precedent passes from all memory - recently this blog has not been the hive of instrospection and self realisation you have become used to [hah]. But it may be back to the good old days because… something occurred to me. Something that in itself made me really stop and think.
International is an unavailable guy. He’s in a long term relationship, which nevertheless allows for extra-curricular activity and in no way is likely to end soon. Certainly not over me. And that is not what I would want – my penchant for honesty comes not from being lied to but from a genuine if not overly-restrictive desire not to cause discord or grief.
International is, in addition, an accomplished man; and achingly beautiful with it. So far out of my league it beggars belief. He has, though, some real self-esteem issues, which in part is why - whether rightly or wrongly - he’s carrying on with me.
And the sum total of that is exactly what I had with Darren. Darren wasn’t particularly accomplished of course, and International isn’t him – to compare them even superficially would be doing him a disservice.
What concerns me is that I may be repeating history, or even – God forbid – simply going through a long drawn out recovery from the events of March and April. I’m damned if this is all about getting over my first [only] proper boyfriend. I have been thinking about Darren quite a bit lately, mainly in terms of “what a/an [adjective]” but still for all that with occasional fondness.
As for International, our long weekend is imminent. And all of a sudden an attack of prudish angst about my body. He’s just so good it makes me feel really concerned about my frumpishness – and that is not helped by averaging 5 of 10 in QueerPersonals’ “Hot or Not?” competition (oddly getting either 8, 9 or 10 OR 1, 2, and 3 – never anything in-between). Yet is such things matter to me so much I should be cheered by a renewed stream of nominations to gaydar's "Sex Factor" too :-)
Thank goodness I have my first counselling session a week on Wednesday, though I remain somewhat dubious about it all. I don’t want to get into it and abandon it half-way through. Well, you and I can giggle over how silly it is afterward. If it is silly. I really don’t know...