Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Three strikes

The last three guys I’ve gone on dates with I really enjoyed meeting. I had a great time on each and every occasion; I really felt positive about the way things went and genuinely hoped to see them again.

Nevertheless in each case each guy has felt differently to me and in each case I’ve been left feeling somewhat bewildered about why. Is it really possible to have a great time with someone who isn’t? Am I really missing the cues, body language, hints?

Each of the three dates I’m talking about was Rule 1 compliant but beyond that there were few common themes: weekdays and weekends; daytime and evening; ‘scene’ and non-scene. Really, the only common factor was yours truly.

I’m an introverted scientist type who’s spent an entire career analysing, investigating things, and just generally Thinking. But in the final analysis insight about what it is about me that is the problem is proving elusive, and that runs the risk of generating a feedback loop where I get more anxious about being unattractive, more desperate to be attractive, more and more needy and eventually as ill adored as I am ill starred.

One of the problems with not coming out till relatively late is that I never got to learn the rules the same way other people did. Hence, in part making up (and breaking) my own. You know; the unwritten/unspoken rules that make other people seem to effortlessly to get boyfriends and girlfriends and have all the things I never knew I missed. And I think people can, subconsciously, tell.

Yes, as you may have guessed it’s got me feeling a bit down – serves me right for not sticking to the detox!

Actually to be fair there has been more than one occasion when someone has liked me and I have not felt the same way. But that has been rare. And in fact I tend to be quite surprised too when someone does like me! There’s that dissonance again…

I really can only try to be the best person I can be – work hard, keep healthy, live life; still a work in progress, this gayer. But I really do need this break! This time tomorrow I’ll be in Spain, ready to enjoy a bit of sunshine and cuddle up in the arms of my lover.

In the meantime, a poll (on the right here): do you think I should re-start my month off from dating as I fell off the wagon, or do you think I should get back in the game on 14 October as planned? Let me know.

1 comment:

Monty said...

It's exactly what was happening to me...I was trying to analyse why these guys didn't feel the same way about me, what was i doing wrong, what could I do better etc etc...and in the end, just ended up feeling bad. The thing is, in matters of the heart, you can't apply any logical analysis principals - it's just too random. So sweetie, as hard as it will be, try not to analyse, just try to roll with the punches and enjoy the ride. Just let it wash over you and you'll start relaxing! Big hugs and enjoy your little lust-filled holiday!