Countdown

So, the time is upon us Gentle Reader. In 48 hours your Cheerful Fairy will be a married Fairy! Fella and I will be hitched at 14:30 BST on Wednesday, and as Hogzilla transitions almost seamlessly into Groomzilla there is no more than I can do that is in my hands. All the preparation and planning and here we are.

I tell you what – it’s true what they say; this is one of the most stressful things you can do. I can’t imagine why, when all my future happiness depends on is the smooth running of local government, families playing nice together, and the ability of people to follow basic instructions…

Mind you, given we’ve picked a mid-week wedding day and a venue in the arsehole end of Strumpetville we’re looking at a pretty good turnout (even if about 10% of out invitees have passed away, Agatha Christie eat your heart out).

The Cheerful Fairy’s handy guide to a civil partnership will be gracing this blog very soon. We’ve certainly had ups and downs getting here, but some real highlights have been finding an amazing venue, having great friends helping us out, and the gorgeous gorgeous wedding rings (again made by a friend).

Some of the things I’m pleased about are the theme, the wedding favours, and the creative side that organising this has revealed in me. I can’t go into detail – yet – as some guests are also readers but when it’s all happening I’ll definitely be posting links, photos and details!!

Who’d have thunk it – frumpy old me getting wed to my gorgeous man? But at this stage I’m quite relaxed, very poor and thoroughly grateful.

So, here we are, less than two days to go. Just need to write my vows and speech now. Simples! I’ll let you know how it all goes.

 

 

Four funerals and a wedding

Spring has certainly sprung here in Strumpetville. The sun is shining, the balcony is getting more verdant by the day and your Cheerful Fairy is very much feeling the benefit of the warmer days and lighter evenings.

Fella and I are due to be civil-partnered in a shade under three weeks. It's getting quite exciting/nerve wracking and it would seem weddings have some fractal properties - behind every activity is another, and another ad infinitum. I long, gentle reader, for the days when in exchange for money goods were received and services rendered. And having enough spare cash to engage in retail therapy! But soon, my pretty, soon...

Looking back on the near-four years we have been together it struck me how much of our time has been shaped by death. Perhaps an odd thought when we are preparing for the new beginning that married life represents; and at the height of spring as well.

I first met Fella's family as they returned home from the funeral of his grandfather. He met most of my family at the funeral of my grandfather. Then of course there was the tragic loss of Fella's mother to cancer just over a year ago. Most recently we travelled to Cardiff for the funeral of Fella's uncle.

All of this has taken a heavy toll on Fella and he sometimes finds it difficult to cope with grief. We will no doubt think a little of the people we have lost, the people who won't be there. I myself up to now have never really had to deal with death very much. Great grandparents faded away when I was a child, and I've been lucky there were no deaths, accidents or illness, amongst my peers. That is all. Therefore I don't know how to help Fella when he gets very depressed about his loss.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that when 15 May comes around there will be an touch of bitter-sweet about it. You can never really predict how people will react but more than one person has cautioned me to be on the look out for some bad behaviour. Warnings I haven't appreciated receiving; they to add a touch of nerves.

Really, birth and death will be part of our lives together and I'm sure one thing that can't hurt is focussing on the future and our lives together. Especially since Fella's sister in law is due to give birth to the first niece/nephew a few weeks after we get hitched :-)

Mike's Alive?!

Hello Gentle Reader!

Yes, I’m back, from outer space. You just logged in to find me here with these sad typos in blogspace? Well, I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long but since ‘stepping out for a pack of smokes’ last summer I’ve been ever so busy, and the thing about life is it can sometimes get in the way of living.

A quick summary: I’m still cheerful, frumpy and a fairy. Fella and I are still very much together, and still on track for our civil partnership in May. Gypsy the goldfish and Morag the Volkswagen are still very much alive which tells us more about their resilience rather than my tender care.

My last post, oh so long ago, was me showing off a bit about my dissertation survey progress. Since then I’ve written it, submitted it and by some fucking miracle I passed it. I’ve edited it for public consumption and after just one more ikkle read-through am going to post a link it here soon on STRICT condition that, like all feedback, any comments are purely expressed in terms of adulation and hyperbole.

Now I’m not really one for blowing my own trumpet – I’d be on a rather different website – but I’m extraordinarily impressed with myself. After handing it in I went through ha phase of how it is the most awful dissertation in the history of everything ever, but now I’ve passed I realise it’s totes amaze balls.

… and let that be an end to going on about that ;-)

The big news is I’ve secured a new job. With seven weeks to go until my current employer is shut down and the new world takes over, I have handily been appointed to that self same new world. I’ll be part time until the swtich over in both worlds, but of course they expect full time work anyway each so it’s a lot of 12 hour days and seven day weeks. What the hell – it’s truly exciting to be at the beginning of an organisation that is genuinely starting from scratch and being able to influence that and all the learning that has to go with it. I’m sure I’ll be able to tell you more as time and posts allow.

 

Fella and I are still on course for the civil partnership. Three months to go and the wedding jitters are beginning to set in! Again, so much more to post on this. Suffice it to say, having studied physics for four years failed to teach me that the world turns or not based on decisions about chair-covers (bow down to the power of the Cheerful Fairy!) and that something as simple as giving a florist money and getting flowers in return is of course grossly jeune and naïve.

 
On a final and more serious note the time I’ve taken to compose this stream of consciousness it available to me because Fella is away visiting his family home for the first anniversary for his mother’s death. I’m not going because the few hours I could be there coincide with the catholic mass they’ll be attending and I don’t think it’s right for me to go to that. I don’t know the rites and I don’t enjoy religion so it would be disingenuous and distracting of me to go. This of course could just be an excuse for more to avoid an awkward situation and stick in Strumpetville like the cowardly custard that I am. Nevertheless I am of course thinking of him and them all.

Booked it!

Well, gentle reader, we’ve done it: the venue is booked and we are well and truly in civil-partnership planning mode.

The 15 May marks our third anniversary and one year exactly until the ceremony itself. As I’m in the middle of exam preparation and dissertation research it has been difficult to find time to even post about it, let alone do anything but this is progress at last.

The next steps for us are to set up our marriage website (some friends of ours set one up and it really helps with RSVPs, telling people about the venue etc), and organise some save the date cards. And perhaps figure out where the mind-bubbling amount of money it’s going to cost us will come from. My initial estimate was less than half of what it will really cost and our reserve fund is looking stretched-thin.

Personally I have no real objection to just trotting down to the town hall, filling in the relevant paperwork, and taking all of our friends out for a massive party in town for about half the money but needs must when Fella is all romantically minded.

That of course makes him out to be Bridezilla which couldn’t be further from the truth; and I think we are very lucky to have a venue that is enthusiastic and helpful and will take on a fair bit of the organising (but, importantly, not decision making) itself.

We have a friend making the rings and another friend making the cake. Fella delegated these tasks without really discussing it with me, which is OK to a point, but fortunately I had a chat with the friend making the rings this weekend and she is very sound about making something appropriate and that we both like rather than going off in a creative frenzy. Cake lady is next!

The ceremony will be on a Wednesday so I am keen to get ‘save the date’ cards out to people sooner rather than later, particularly as his family will be travelling from Scotland and mine from Germany. There will be a fair bit of organising around accommodation and transport, which will be quite a large part of the budget – our plan is for any family staying over to be put up that night at our expense at a hotel close to the venue.

One other idea that occurred to me was also around the ‘theme’ of the wedding. One of the things important to me about it is that everyone has a good time and it is as relaxed as possible. This means, for example, that we won’t have ‘day’ and ‘evening’ invitations but people can come and go as they please (which also helps get around the work-day problem).

My idea is to theme it around all the fun times Fella and I have had with the invitees – photos and momentos of holidays, nights out, places we been and various adventures we’ve had together.  A good idea, don’t you think?

There's a time and a place

Unbelievably Fella and I have got off our pert arses and actually started planning our civil partnership.

Immediately off on a rambling tangent – Fella calls it the “wedding” and that we are getting “married”. I call it registering a civil partnership; because that is what it is. So there. But if you are 'interested in participating in the UK Government’s consultation on giving us cheerful band of shirt lifting fairy types the upgrade, then you can do so here: http://homeoffice.gov.uk/equalities/

We have visited a few venues near to where we live: TheTudor Barn in Eltham, Eltham Palace, and Hall Place in Bexley.

Now, we love Eltham Palace, but we can’t really afford it – and we’d have to change our plans to accommodate the venue which I get a bit sniffy about considering what they’re asking.
The Tudor Barn is highly affordable and quite nice in its own way… but it didn’t set my world on fire. It’s not likely to be the place we pick.

Hall Place, however, is the Goldicocks venue. Affordable, beautiful, available, and enthusiastic about us being wedded there. The accommodation is just right and very flexible. And they appeal to our innate laziness by pretty much throwing everything in to the price, including the flowers. They have a nice package where they corral the suppliers, but we work with them each individually to meet our requirements which is just great. There’s even a hotel next door.

When I write ‘everything’ I of course use the word quite wrongly; they won’t do the cake or the rings, which Fella has farmed out to friends of ours – and the results of this I await with some trepidation…

Anyhoo. Because our families will be coming from Germany and Scotland, and our chosen day – our anniversary – happens to be a Wednesday so we think that the numbers will be quite small. Our initial guest list is about 60 something, and it may be many of them won’t be able to take the time off.

What we’re planning is an afternoon ceremony, and then a meal, drinks and dancing and then people can totter off in their own good time. At least that way people will only need to take half a day off work, and people can join us in the evening if they wish.

The next day… honeymoon.

We might look at one or two other places but I think we’re going to settle on this one… Have a look and tell me what you think J

I’m already thinking about the invites, what we’ll wear and sending out ‘save the date’ cards. What the hey; a project manager civil partnering an events planner – I think we’ll do alright. In the meantime Fella and I will be living like hermits for the next year to pay for it!

February

Time is marching on gentle reader, and it is time for another postcard from Strumpetville.

Where is your cheerful fairy at then?

Life goes on – except for some of course it doesn’t. Since Fella’s mother died we have had, as is to be expected, our ups and downs. At first he really was very very down but I’ve tried to keep him busy and he’s been very active in organising the funeral, which will be on Thursday. He also has set up a website organising donations to the palliative care team that looked after Laura at the end.

When he’s been at his lowest I have been quite at a loss on how to console him, so it’s been a relief to have something for him to focus on. The funeral itself, I realise whilst typing this, will be tough on him and I think this coming weekend will be another tough one. Of course these things take time. Sometimes I feel – yes, me me me - as bit of a shit as I can’t – just cannot – take time out to really be there for him. That means for example Fella will go up for the funeral tomorrow, whilst I will arrive bang on the start.

Laura passed at the weekend before I started my new role and in the middle of essay writing for college. College is on its final stretch; once the essay is done, then it is exam time and then my dissertation. The pressure is on. Fella understands the demands but I sometimes feel his is a bereavement widow, and the double whammy – despite a very real foundation to our relationship being mutual support as we develop into the people we aim to be – fills me with guilt.

Fortunately my new boss is the head of the LGBT group where I work has had experience of this kind of thing and has been a very good source of advice. And of course friends have been double plus supportive, so once again my gratitude runneth over.

The wheels of life begin to turn again.  Fella and I went out for our belated Valentine’s dinner – as an aside you can imagine how much I adore going out with someone so good looking that four waiters serve him whilst I am studiously ignored *huff*. We did some serious civil partnership planning, which largely consisted of us conceding our initial budget plans were wildly optimistic.

No doubt there will be more to on all this AND MORE to blog about in the near future… the list of things to tell you gets ever longer! Stay tuned

Laura

On Saturday 11 February 2012 Fella’s mother, Laura, passed away. Her liver cancer progressed more speedily than anyone anticipated and a couple of weeks ago she began to deteriorate rapidly.

Realising she might become frail, but not anticipating that she would pass on so soon, Fella’s father encouraged both him and his brother to make a visit to see her.

For myself, pressures of college work made me say unless things were truly dire I would not be visiting that weekend, but of course I would support Fella in whatever he chose to do.

The week progressed and, yes, things began to look pretty dire. Fella went up on the Friday afternoon, and I drove up on the Saturday, arriving at midday.

By co-incidence the palliative care nurse was leaving, and the rest of the family had gone out to do some shopping, and possibly to clear their heads. However Fella was there, and together we sat with Laura while she rested.

I was quite shocked when I saw her. I had anticipated her being her; just asleep. Instead she was clearly very frail and poorly. Almost literally a shadow of her former self.

I do not know if she was conscious or not. Her eyes were partly open and her mouth moved a little but there was no sound. She was cold and she did not move at all.

The comment that all of us made, being with at that time, was THAT wasn’t her. That was not the woman of bottomless heart, limitless intellect and rapier wit who worked tirelessly to keep her family together and welcomed me despite her deeply held religious views.

However, it was her body, slowly slipping away, and within an hour of my arrival, with the family around her, she had passed away, a transition so peaceful we really couldn’t be sure exactly when it happened.

It was, thank God, peaceful and relatively comfortable. I am grateful for that.

She passed away so unexpectedly that there had been no arrangements made; no funeral home, no thought of bank accounts, emails, and the minutiae and details of loose ends and things to tie up.

The hardest thing for them all was the sympathy. People so often seemed to want the family to comfort THEM. Fella’s father found that the most difficult thing. Fella dealt with most of Laura’s side of the family, persuading people to cancel the visits they had been planning as there was now no point. Not until the funeral…

That will be in a week, perhaps two. Fella will help with the arrangements; particularly as he and Laura were so very close.

He’s taken it very hard, has Fella. They really were close… for me, I’m just trying to keep him active, keep him doing things, so that he has a chance to get over this tragedy without getting overwhelmed by it. Certainly today he was incredibly down. This will be a huge challenge for us both to get other and it will take time.

The Good Wife

In mid-February I start a new secondment in the Chief Executive’s office of the organisation I work for. It’s great to have a new opportunity – I will be focusing more on corporate governance and risk management rather than business management which will be a good change. A sideways promotion, if you will, and perhaps the nicest thing is I will be working directly for the head of the LGBT group, who has been double-plus supportive of me and other gay colleagues in the office.

It’s only nine months, but I’m very much looking forward to the change of setting, work and pace.

Of course I still need to do my project, dissertation and study for my exams, so it will be tough to manage but I know with Fella’s support I shall be able to manage.

Fella of course needs my support too, both with the physical and the emotional side of looking after his mother, and also with his own career.

He is on secondment too, of course, and he is doing very well in his role. He’s such a sweetheart it’s nice he can work to his strengths and capabilities as well as being uber-popular in his own office.

Part of supporting him is playing the good wife; where he works has lots of social and work events and it is politic to be there to support him and hob with the nobs. It’s a bit like being a politician’s wife; smile and wave, smile and wave… although as we both work in healthcare I can hold my own with anyone there. I enjoy it, but I have to be pretty and witty and gay regardless of my mood!

This weekend it was the highlight of the season, the annual ball. I went the whole hog and bought a new DJ for the occasion. As this is the third such occasion I’ve been to I saw loads of people I know; a lot of the people Fella works with have become good friends. I’m told the cheerful fairy was on top form, which is good. They do like the keep the wine flowing at these things…

I really do think it is a strength of our relationship that we are mutually supporting each other’s careers; and I’m very proud that I’ve been able to support fella in getting his career going well. Admittedly I am pleased that I get paid more than him, but every little helps as we plan for our civil partnership and our life after that. Of course we have to support each other in lots of ways, but really I do enjoy hanging off his arm at a do or two.

Happy New Year

Yes Gentle Reader I fear I have neglected you for most of January. But the Cheerful Fairy is back in Strumpetville, and more than happy to discuss my favourite subject – Me.

Have I been idle? No, far from it!

I have submitted by dissertation proposal form to my university for my research project; I’ll write more about that soon – my first meeting with my department head is on Wednesday, and while alongside the regular study and work it will be a big challenge, it’s a topic I’m very keen on – yes it is gay themed – and I’m eager to get started.

I have started my medication regime and I’m back at the gym so I’m pleased to write my health is getting back on an even keel. My New Year diet is going well, although I fell off the wagon rather at the weekend for a friend’s birthday.

On top of this I have been applying for new jobs and had an interview last Friday – I’m pretty sure I didn’t get the job but hey-ho it’s all good experience.

Work continues busy and I’m eager, obviously, to move on to my next career step. However, while I’m there I’m still an active member of the LGBT group and we’re working to celebrate gay history month in February.

Fella continues fine and we are as strong as ever. Domestic bliss reigns. We socialise with our friends; we enjoy each other’s company; the wedding planning continues at its slow pace. We have our synergy – he cooks, I eat; I diet; he loses weight.

There are down sides. Fella’s mother is increasingly unwell. Her liver cancer is terminal and over Christmas it was clear she is going downhill. Caring for her will be a big part of our year. However long she lasts – and of course we will have to think about changing the date of our civil partnership to take into account, bluntly, how long she will be around and healthy enough to attend.

All in all there’s lots going on in 2012, and lots will happen. So, to finish off this breathless guide to an average man’s life, I have decided simply not to have New Year’s resolutions. Nope. Why write something down I can look at in 12 months and go “ah. Forgot about these…”? Instead I will keep trying to be the best me I can possibly be. This will include resisting the temptation to set fire to my office.

Christmas

Fella and I are back from Christmas with his family, and if you’ll forgive me gentle reader, now the in-laws have been done, I’m looking forward to some relaxation and general enjoyment.

We went to the in-laws this year, as last – the disadvantage of having my family being abroad! I actually get on with them very well, and I’ve been welcomed into the family in the most touching way. Nevertheless, it’s sometimes a struggle and this year as much as ever.

Fella’s mother has terminal liver cancer and she is clearly deteriorating very fast. His father reacts to this with extraordinary anger, and certainly 2012 will have to see Fella supporting them a lot more and me supporting him doing that.  

On the plus side it was great to see my brother- and sister-in-law again – for the first time since their wedding - and when all of us were together we had so much fun. I was given a book on art deco and a lovely top from Fella. I gave him a wine and cheese tasting evening (with a friend) in January and a wash-bag which he can use in his new role as event manager, which takes him all over the country. The others got a book, or for my mother-in-law a kindle voucher as she spends a lot of time in hospital…

There was more food than we could eat – yeah, that’s Christmas – and a lot of the gifts centred on chocolates and biscuits and fine coffees; that was my father-in-law buying on his mother’s behalf, and i am touched she included me on the gift list, canny old bird that she is.

Now we’re back. After a couple of stressful days I practically jumped Fella when we got home... but that’s another story. Now, in the few days we have until we return to work in the new year I’m looking forward to some quiet relaxation, seeing friends and generally taking advantage of the break.

This year really has had its ups and downs and in many ways I’m looking forward to it being over. It hasn’t been bad, not at all; but there are so many things to do that 2012 needs a run up. I’m actually really looking forward to what might just be the (second) most important year ever ;-) and this Christmas is almost a sabbatical from the challenges ahead, no matter how much I relish them.

I’ll post about what needs to be done in 2012 in the New Year , and I will certainly be relaxing until then, so let me take this opportunity to wish you all the best for the festive season; my thanks for reading about my middle-classed wittering about my ordinary life; and the hope that your 2012 will be your best year so far; but not your best year ever!

Birthday

The world has turned and the Cheerful Fairy is one year older. My mid 30s approach with increasing speed.


Unfortunately on the day Fella was very unwell so I ended up looking after him; but the day before we had friends round for dinner and I took the day after as leave as well so plenty of time to relax.

Fella gave me a lovely antique art-deco clock c. 1930 – exactly what I had been looking for, for some time. My mother sent me some lovely framed paintings of the area she lives in (I got the hint, and we’ll be visiting toward the end of September). Friends gave me a home-made hamper of European food :-)

When it comes to birthdays I must admit my inner child does come out and I get quite excited to receive cards and presents. The inner child is normally suppressed by my inner teenager; and keeping him under control occupies my outer grown up fairy much of the time.

What wisdom can I offer up, gentle reader, now that I have turned thirty-something plus one? Not so much, really. I’m quite surprised things have turned out as well as they have! My middle-classed life in Strumpetville, ordinary though it may be, is (I think) the product of a few simple elements:

• Dogged determination – never giving up

• A positive attitude – seeing the glass half full

• Not letting innocence, or perhaps naivety, give way to cynicism

• Being open to new experiences

• Having a clear idea of what you want

• Leaving the ‘attitude’ at home.

It’s actually not easy to blog when you have a good job, nice home, great relationship, and caring family – it’s either dull or saccharine-sweet. But we persevere – life always has its ups and downs!

Still, that doesn’t matter because it’s MY birthday – as an aside this makes me a Leo which is double-plus fantastic, and gives me the excuse of partying for a month as well – and as usual I have enjoyed myself immensely.

Roar.

400

A typically lazy Sunday morning Chez Frumpella… I leave Fella lying in bed (he can sleep for Strumpetville that one) put on the coffee machine and go into the second bedroom/office/my den (what it’s rapidly becoming) to catch up on my reading, and my blogging. It’s a way of being lazy and not lazy. I read, I post, I catch up and slowly drift into the job search, studying, or prep for the week ahead my Sundays are about. When Fella emerges we may spend some time together before lunch. The afternoons he spends catching up with his TV (I’ve got him hooked on Star Trek!), and I get on with my own thing, maybe go out for some shopping. Later we’ll spend more time together, perhaps put on a film or do some gardening and so the chilled day wends into the evening, a nice dinner and back to bed.


That is the life of the domesticated Cheerful Fairy. A thoroughly pleasant life it is too. 400 posts in, and we can safely say our journey is by and large complete.

400 posts. There will be more of course; much remains to be done – civil partnerships and kids/not kids and all manner of future challenges. But no more for finding Mr Right or Mr Right-Now.

No more for coming out either. But then I’m still not fully into gay culture; film, books, etc. Lots to see and read and discuss.

Nevertheless, I can confidently post this: I am, perhaps for the first time, living my own life on my own terms. Not living in a shell of someone else’s devising; not trying to live up the expectations of others; not trying to follow the herd . Nothing to hide behind, but then no longer trying to hide.

Where next then? You see gentle reader, it is difficult to compose scintillating prose when one is resolutely ordinary. But I like diarising out loud if you will, so I’m not done with blogging yet.

I clearly had something quite different in mind when I started this blog; but it quickly became something of far more use and led of itself to meeting some wonderful people. It chronicles my three great affairs, and the lesser passing fancies – too numerous to recall even if I cared to.

A lot of water under the bridge. Thank goodness there is so much more to look forward to…

The Big Day

Aint nothing like a summertime wedding in Strumpetville gentle reader. The big day came and went without a hitch, the weather was perfect and the location divine. For something organised in only four months it was a masterpiece.

Sadly, it was not MY wedding, no. Rather that of my brother-in-law S to his now wife… Mrs S.

Fella and I suspect the whirlwind wedding of Mr and Mrs S was due in part to our impending nuptials (or at least an impending bun in the oven)… but no matter, I wish them all the very best. Off in sunny Paxos for their honeymoon, now.

The wedding itself was at Kew Gardens, which is a place I adore. We had free entrance to the gardens on the day; the ceremony was in Cambridge Cottage while the reception was in the Princess of Wales gardens – a very nice venue indeed.

Some of the most interesting people I met were Fella’s friends, one of whom is Mr S’s boss, a gay couple who have been together about nine years. It was nice to get to know another established – even more established – gay couple outside our current circle (as it were).

The most important part of the day (apart from the nuptials) was that this was for Fella and by extension me a family affair. One of the things I was a little concerned about was meeting all of the family. As a fiancé one is in and not in the family – and as a GAY fiancé, well one’s status is all the more uncertain.

Nevertheless I was, as always, made to feel totally welcome – even posing in the family only pictures. No pressure then… definitely have to make my relationship work, or those photos are ruined!! Actually, it was very nice to be included and to be so accepted by everyone. Even Fella’s 89 year old grandmother! I hope when it comes to our civil partnership (or any other event), my family will be as accepting of him.

Since Fella has been complaining to his friends about not having an engagement ring – he had one prepared when he proposed – so I have decided it’s time to get him on; well, in time for his birthday in September… so plenty more to blog about in due course…

In the meantime Fella’s mother continues well enough. She did rather dwell on her prognosis at the wedding until Fella gently stopped her and suggested it might not be the day for it. In a rather touching gesture Mr and Mrs S asked, as a wedding gift, for people only to donate to a charity for MS sufferers. The plans for our own marriage will need to revolve in part around her, and that in turn means keeping a totally open mind about timing, venue, honeymoon etc…

Well, that is the way it needs to be. Seeing how well it can be done fills me with confidence. And being included and welcomed by the family fills me with great happiness.

Wedding Plans

We've had a bit of bad luck recently, Fella and I. I mean, in the last week, we've been robbed; my laptop completely packed up, taking with it everything from my holiday photos to my CV (I have a shiny new one now though :-) ); part of the bathroom ceiling fell in for reasons best known to itself...

Sadly the worst thing is Fella's mother has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. She has suffered with MS for a while, and has had problems in that area because of that for a while. So no-one took any notice of the jaundice and the weight loss until it was too late. Liver cancers tend to be inoperable and are peculiar in that chemotherapy doesn't work on them. The treatment is a transplant, but you can't give immuno-suppressants to someone with MS so that's out. Recently a range of wonder-drugs have come on the market that will ensure her liver continues to function and may co-incidentally shrink the tumour. But even under ideal circumstances a primary liver tumour has a less than 20% survival rate after a year.

In Fella's mother's case they are talking two years but knowing this illness I wonder if six to nine months is nearer the mark. Dark I know but Fella and his family are dealing with this in perhaps a very English upper middle-classed way. Putting the best possible gloss on it, changing the subject, and having a nice cup of tea.

What I wanted to post about, gentle reader, was how Fella and I are advancing our wedding plans. Perhaps post a picture of the post-it notes covering the back wall of our second-bedroom cum home-office. Perhaps my tentative day dreams on what to put on my our wedding list.

Instead, our plans are in disarray. I do not complaint, of course; the circumstances cannot be helped. But what we really are looking at is getting wed very quickly, perhaps in the next few weeks - or months.

In the separate-but-equal* world of marriage we have in Strumpetville a civil partnership can be entered into without even being in the same room - one fills in a form, the other fills in his at a time convenient to him (or her of course). No ceremony required though the government has helpfully handed down a "form of words" if we really must. The logistics of the thing would be relatively simple. The issue at hand of course is getting CPd for the right reasons, at the right time. Our reasons for going for May 2013 were simply - where we met, when we met, but after my masters is finished (it was tiresomely short-sighted of love to come during exam season). Both of those options would be sacrificed...

Am I reluctant to hurry into a CP? Yes. Especially because of someone else, regardless of the tragedy. Because a long engagement suited me. Because what happens next when you are married - mortgages and pensions and the like - I'm just not prepared for.

But here we are, in a world or turmoil. Once we have a detailed prognosis and we can be sure whatever we do meets Fella's mother's needs and capabilities, we can make our decision. Still, I do want to make sure it is right for us too and that I think - deciding what is for the best for him will really be hard for Fella.

Anniversary

This is all written in the future tense as I am late publishing... hope it still makes sense!

Who would have thought it? Two years for me and Fella. Halfway to our civil partnership, in fact.


Well, on Sunday to be fair. To celebrate I have decided we will spend much of the afternoon on the Southbank – along the queen’s walk, attending a food fair, going to a photography exhibit, cocktails at Skylon, and then dinner on the Strand.

As a gift I bought Fella an antique cigarette box, and a fancy Zippo lighter (yes, he is an occasional smoker!). We’re not spending too much money this month as it has been an expensive month, what with the holiday and all.

The day itself will be quite light on activities because we will be attending a Eurovision party on the Saturday night before, and I want to allow for the possibility of overindulgence, plus I am sure we will want to enjoy the day in other ways.

Looking back over the last two years we have had quite a time. Living together, engaged, owning a car, visiting each other’s families. That’s quite a lot, especially compared to my dating days.

Of course we have had our ups and downs, and no doubt will continue to work through various issues, it has occurred to me how relatively smooth things have been for us. Still, it takes a lot of work – as it should – and not least because we hardly have any time, between the work, the studying, his career development and second job etc. One of our big struggles is to find time for each other.

...hence the plan for Sunday.

I suppose it’s positive that we complement each other so well in that we have different strengths and interests, although slowly they are merging. It reminds me a bit of my grandparents who after nearly 65 years of marriage have so refined their roles that each is entirely dependent on the other. One memory in two heads.

To be sure, there is plenty about us both that irritates the other. As it’s my blog, I’ll confine myself to things that irritate me about him (!): his slow driving; his inability to do any kind of DIY; the way he cries at any film. Well, that’s actually quite endearing. But don’t tell him I said so... Then there’s all the positives; he is beautiful, and kind, and generous, and a nice person.

Two years. There was a time when I never thought I would ever be in a LTR; but here we are. I’m quite proud overall. Of myself, and him, and us!

And we had a lovely time :-)

Speed Bumps

Being relatively inexperienced at relationships, compared to people who are older or who came out sooner, it’s difficult to assess bumps in the road.


Nevertheless, I think on any criterion you might care to name, my relationship with Fella took a hell of a knock last week.

On Wednesday Fella went out with his work colleagues and had a few drinks. I myself had a hell of a trying day at work, and when work is trying it really gets to me.

I think, gentle reader, that set the scene pretty well?

Anyway, we ended up having a massive row. He had got it into his head that I found him boring, and the things we liked to do or talk about uninteresting. I made repeated attempts to reassure him but to no avail. I think this was the booze talking... be became increasingly belligerent and unwilling to accept my reassurances escalating his comments to a point where I felt the best thing to do was to leave him alone for a little while.

I went out. I came back. By the time I did, he’d packed his bags.

I’m not really the kind of person one should bluff with, it seems. You pack your bags, I’ll call you a taxi. Engagement ring returned, facebook status updated, the end. It’s over.

I then proceeded to get very drunk.

Then... the morning after the night before.

Fella was apologetic... he sent me messages telling me how much he loved me, but I wasn’t really in the mood to hear it. I wanted to know why he had behaved in the way he did; why he had to push it and push it. We talked; it broke the ice, but I remained sceptical.

The thing that won me over was when Fella told me the story of how he fell in love with me. I had always been... suspicious, in a way, of why Fella wanted to be with me. I don’t perceive in myself any qualities that would make me husband material. No-one else ever has either!

But there he was, telling me how he just wanted to date for a while but slowly and surely I won his heart and he decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life at my side. That was a much more attractive scenario than being a boyfriend-shaped peg in a boyfriend-shaped hole.

We agreed to give it a go.

Since then – since then I have been somewhat depressed. I’m not going to pretend that this hasn’t changed our relationship, but it’s difficult to see how it can be the way it was. I can’t escape the feeling its a wounded animal, or damaged goods. Part of that is a reflection of the unattainably high standards I set for myself. I want my love to be perfect-and-forever love. Now it is publicly and embarrassingly human. What a let down.

When with others rows and upsets were par for the course; part of the rich tapestry of all my boyfriendettes. But with Fella it is different. I loath rowing with him, and always promise myself that it won’t happen again. I’m not that easy to get on with, it seems.

Yet somehow I can’t let it be.

So here we are. Time will tell what happens next. I don’t really know. Perhaps next time I blog I’ll be in a more positive mood. We shall see.

The demon drink

You will recall, gentle reader, that the thing (apart from my quiet inability to manage any relationship) that brought Fella and I closest to breaking up was his drinking. Without refreshing too many dark memories, there were plenty of occasions where the night was spoiled by Fella drinking himself into unconsciousness.

It wasn't just the drinking per se, it was the risk he put himself, and sometimes me, at by being out of control. Sometimes, sadly, it just isn't safe for a gay man to be totally arseholed with drink. If he of we can't run away from danger, then the consequences don't bear thinking about it.

Now, after an incident when I was attacked at home I turned to the bottle quite heavily, but that wore off as time went on. Still, I can understand the draw of drink if you’re fragile or if, like Fella, you have a mental health problem. But, the reality is, I’m not a saint and I’m still not sure I could cope with a destructive influence in my life like a partner with a dependency.

We came close the breaking point, he and I, dealing with this issue. Friends counselled me in a variety of options. ‘A’ suggested alcoholics anonymous, as partners can find it helpful too. I seriously considered it.

He promised he would do anything to keep us together, and in many respects he has been as good as his word. The bargain we struck was that if he behaved himself on social occasions he could drink as much as he likes at home. And that is broadly what has happened.

You asked recently how he is managing on the booze. There’s no easy way to spell it out; he probably puts away 150 units a week; the recommended maximum for men in 28 (I think). So he drinks an awful lot. But he manages it. He never misses work; he doesn’t stay up into the early hours drinking the place dry; he gets plenty of sleep and eats his meals. Some days he chooses not to drink at all. So... good then [?].

Not perfect, not by a long way. But this is Fella, who wants to build a life with me, build his career, live and enjoy his life. He’s a heavy drinker – but thinking as I type I realise the distinction between someone who happens to drink a lot and someone who behaves destructively. And being able to make that distinction helps me see the problems we had are solved.

The biggest challenge for me, where we are now, is keeping my own consumption at a reasonable level. With my ongoing struggle to get my weight down and my health up, plus the sheer demands placed on my time by work and study. The next biggest challenge is vigilance, as I find it difficult still to trust him to control himself in social situations.

Nevertheless, Fella made the effort and he did it for me. How could I do anything other but love and appreciate him for it? It’s hard to imagine anyone else I’ve been with making one-hundredth of the changes he makes for me, without demanding a lot in return. You see how lucky I am?

Valentine's

Our second Valentine is coming up – it’s amazing how time flies. Last year I was more with it and organised a dinner out for us in Soho... but this year a number of factors have kept me off my game, not least my own lack of time management! However, I have managed to pull off a minor coup in that Fella thinks I will be at college on Monday night, but in fact we have the night off (half term) so I can surprise him with...


Well, something! Not sure what yet, because the plan is for us to dine at home. Unfortunately my first project, worth 12.5% of my degree, is due that day so this weekend I’ll frantically be writing up a research proposal – to show I can, before the big dissertation next year.

Work is insanely busy at the moment and so difficult I feel that I’m experiencing a significant personality change, in the sense I have to be much more assertive of my prerogatives and perspectives; demanding of others; and firm when confronted with unreasonable behaviour. Normally, big gay introvert that I am (while sober) I self effacingly tolerate a fair bit, mainly because throwing my toys out of my pram doesn’t seem like a win. I am perhaps blessed in that I can see two, three steps ahead. My experience is many cannot.

Anyway, between the job that sees me take work home some evenings and weekends, my college life, my attempts to get fit (gym, swimming, running 8k twice a week) a social life and domestic drudgery (it can be a hard life in Strumpetville, gentle reader) spending quality time with my man is hard – we probably spend less time together than we did when he lived outside London!

I’m neglecting too much I think. Our relationship is solid, because Fella understands these two years will be tough and it’s not as if we aren’t planning for the longer term. I mean my friends, myself – healthy and hard working which I like, but no me time (important for an introvert), no lie-in at the weekend, no reading for reading’s sake... And of course when I’m tired I find it difficult to listen to Fella about his day and talk to him about the things he likes to talk about, which makes me feel a bit guilty. He tends to be the one who cooks dinner, deal with the groceries, be the drudge (!)

So, then I suppose I need to find something rather special for Valentine’s this year. Absent the restaurant context, the mind is focussed on what else there is – and with the opportunity to surprise...

Flowers... gifts... champagne. What will it be? Well, I must think! Perhaps inspiration will come in a dream. Or from somewhere! Any ideas?? Either way, I’ll let you know.

Wedding Plans

Save the date, Gentle Reader, for Fella and I are to be married on 15 May 2013. Where? St James’s Church Piccadilly. And afterward, we honeymoon in the Maldives or the Seychelles. The guest list is going to be 60 or so people, and the total cost will be about £5,000.


There, that was easy...

As a project manager I’m dealing with a lot of the arrangements, though Fella will no doubt have a strong contribution when it comes to the aesthetics, the music, that kind of thing; his forte. I myself am less a bride than a potential bridezilla. The day itself doesn’t excite me too much yet, though that may change... the state of nuptial bliss tantalises me more.

Why? Well, it’s simple – 15 May is when we met, so we thought it would make a nice choice of date. St James’s is the place we met, and I’ve always wanted to have a nice luxurious indulgent holiday in a lovely spot like those islands... As for the year. 50% is because my exam are that period in 2011 and 2012, 40% is because I will have cleared all my debts by then and saved up enough to start us off properly, and 10% is bet hedging.

Yes, gentle reader, risk management relationship-stylie. We’ve been together 20 months, but the wedding will be the fourth anniversary of our meeting and that gives us plenty of time to grow, adapt, and yes if need be change our minds. Bad fairy? You decide!

I strongly believe gay people should have the same rights as straight people; but I also spy the advantage of homosexuality in not having to follow the cultural traditions of mortgage-marriage-children-death... so, all things being equal, I’m fine with marriage, or more accurately civil partnership or without it. But here we are, and it is a good thing we plan to do.

One thing that does get me is the civil partnership aspect. It’s kind of a separate-but-equal kind of marriage. And “oh... if you MUST” kind of deal. And that does get to me slightly. Firstly, I don’t like the idea of my rights being handed down to me by anyone. No-one gets to decide what my rights are until I start infringing on the rights of others. And marriage simply doesn’t do that.

Also, the status of civil partnerships varies from country to country. In Germany, for example, a ‘registered partnership’ would not give us the same tax status as married straight couples; we would not legally be allowed to adopt (though single gay people may, bizarrely) and we would not have final say in medical cases, say a living will or organ donation, over our respective families. This is an issue given my German lineage.

Still, I am confident that things will get better and with vigilance these distinctions will erode. And anyway the whole point is to build a life together, where I can spend my days making Fella happy for as long as he wants me

So roll on 2013...

Being Together

What is it, this being together? For an angst ridden yet cheerful fairy like my good self it is a pertinent question. Right now my man is smoking a cigarette. Our TV service is paused awaiting his return – so he can finish making my dinner, to be fair – and I am stretched out on my sofa, laptop on top of lap, drafting this post.


We have spent most of the day, he and I, in separate rooms because we’re both doing job applications. There are worse reasons to be in separate rooms of course... me and Fella recently were in Separate Rooms over his totally unreasonable bed hogging about which I am entirely blameless of course ;-)

Togetherness has of course has a more long-term connotation; as you have read this blog for a while gentle reader, you will know togetherness is the very bedrock of my sexuality. Either fleeting or, more recently, permanent. But... yes, as always that angsty but... how forever is forever?

At some point, diet and exercise notwithstanding, time will slip out of my tired hands e’re everlong I hold onto Fella’s... and as my damned soul slips off to Hell (for 97 reasons of which being gay is not even in the top 10 – in your face Pope) it will slip off alone. Fella will not be with me in that tunnel of light.

So what then? Better to be alone and await the endless sponge baths from that hot male nurse? Better to live life with your love, I think. Not quite for the moment. We are on the path of marriage and all that entails (I may even be sensible and make a will, take out life-insurance oh yes!).

But then there’s being together. I mean, what’s it about? It’s difficult to maintain the right balance of together and apart; not suffocating each other with demands for attention, and not being so distant that we have completely separate lives. One of the nice things about living together is that we aren’t confined to a timetable – we can be together or apart when we like. For the rest of our lives I think there’s still a lot of learning to do, about what being together and the right balance of intimacy and independence really are. We could be looking at 60 years, with or without the sponge baths.

Perhaps being together is developing those rituals and shared routines that mark out two lives increasingly lived as one; knowing the value of the moments we spend together so that working in separate rooms, me studying in the evenings or having to work late aren’t causing any grief. Either way I think we’re getting there. I can almost feel our relationship maturing and I’m learning to take the rough edge off all my worries. Whatever it means, I’m not sure I can define “being together” easily or exactly. But I look forward ot keeping on learning; and learning how best to keep him happy. After all, if together is on one side of the equation surely the other has to be happiness, no?