Saturday, 2 July 2011

Wedding Plans

We've had a bit of bad luck recently, Fella and I. I mean, in the last week, we've been robbed; my laptop completely packed up, taking with it everything from my holiday photos to my CV (I have a shiny new one now though :-) ); part of the bathroom ceiling fell in for reasons best known to itself...

Sadly the worst thing is Fella's mother has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. She has suffered with MS for a while, and has had problems in that area because of that for a while. So no-one took any notice of the jaundice and the weight loss until it was too late. Liver cancers tend to be inoperable and are peculiar in that chemotherapy doesn't work on them. The treatment is a transplant, but you can't give immuno-suppressants to someone with MS so that's out. Recently a range of wonder-drugs have come on the market that will ensure her liver continues to function and may co-incidentally shrink the tumour. But even under ideal circumstances a primary liver tumour has a less than 20% survival rate after a year.

In Fella's mother's case they are talking two years but knowing this illness I wonder if six to nine months is nearer the mark. Dark I know but Fella and his family are dealing with this in perhaps a very English upper middle-classed way. Putting the best possible gloss on it, changing the subject, and having a nice cup of tea.

What I wanted to post about, gentle reader, was how Fella and I are advancing our wedding plans. Perhaps post a picture of the post-it notes covering the back wall of our second-bedroom cum home-office. Perhaps my tentative day dreams on what to put on my our wedding list.

Instead, our plans are in disarray. I do not complaint, of course; the circumstances cannot be helped. But what we really are looking at is getting wed very quickly, perhaps in the next few weeks - or months.

In the separate-but-equal* world of marriage we have in Strumpetville a civil partnership can be entered into without even being in the same room - one fills in a form, the other fills in his at a time convenient to him (or her of course). No ceremony required though the government has helpfully handed down a "form of words" if we really must. The logistics of the thing would be relatively simple. The issue at hand of course is getting CPd for the right reasons, at the right time. Our reasons for going for May 2013 were simply - where we met, when we met, but after my masters is finished (it was tiresomely short-sighted of love to come during exam season). Both of those options would be sacrificed...

Am I reluctant to hurry into a CP? Yes. Especially because of someone else, regardless of the tragedy. Because a long engagement suited me. Because what happens next when you are married - mortgages and pensions and the like - I'm just not prepared for.

But here we are, in a world or turmoil. Once we have a detailed prognosis and we can be sure whatever we do meets Fella's mother's needs and capabilities, we can make our decision. Still, I do want to make sure it is right for us too and that I think - deciding what is for the best for him will really be hard for Fella.


MadeInScotland said...

Finger's crossed. We are just waiting to hear a year after my mum's bowel cancer was removed if she is still clear.

One the one hand you could, as your analysis states, just view this as a bit of paper, and so what difference does it make - why should mortgages end everything else come after? What difference will there be between the two of you say the day before you have that bit of paper and the day after?

On the other hand, I was totally surprised how much more meaning it took on for me than just the legalities.

Be aware (it scuppered our plans) that you may have to wait some time to get the appointment to get the licence you need. I thought we could turn up and get the licence. Instead there was a 6 week waiting list for appointments to get the licence, and you have to have the licence, giving notice, and then wait 15 clear days before you can have the CP.

Good luck


Antony said...

Hi Mike,

I'm sorry to hear about fella's mum. I think your right to get Wed on your own time scales but equally understand fella's desire to have his mother see him Wed before she becomes too unwell.

You'll have to be a big support to fella if his mother passes as it sounds like he's close to her. You'll also have to watch out for the demon drink.

You have my love and thoughts at this difficult time.

A xxx

Gauss Jordan said...

Wow Mike, so has this adversity shown anything more about your relationship(s)?

Flo said...

Hi love

What a horrible situation for you both. My thoughts as you know are with you and Fella.

Re the CP - I guess there are a number of things you both have to think about.

Your CP will be forever, whether you have it soon or in May 2013. If it is really important to Fella for his mum to see him CPd, then you could always go for something smaller scale now and have the event you both really want in May 2013, with a renewal of vows. All the other stuff that you're not ready for - mortgages, pensions etc, can also wait until the time of your choosing.

Now to expand on that last sentence - I don't know if the following cynical view (my own) as a "living in sin" heterosexual might help. If my other half and I were to get married, I could not see it affecting the fundamentals of our relationship. This is a very personal view that stems from our own lack of desire to wed I suppose. But I don't think getting wed would make us ready for things sooner than we would be otherwise, and if you go ahead and get CPd now you shouldn't feel that you need to rush into the things you are not ready for. One of the things that is important for you and Fella (I'm surmising) is that the CP is a public expression of your love for one another and that exists now and will exist in a couple of years, as well as it being a natural progression to your relationship. There is no reason why you can't celebrate both things twice!

One final point - all the above applies only if you are both certain that you want to be CPd. If in any way you're not sure then you're right - another person's tragedy, no matter how terrible, is not the right reason to be wed.

I hope this will give you some help and you always know where I am if you need me! xx

Mike said...

Thank for the advice re the CP licence... it isn't something I had considered.

And thanks to all of you for your kind wishes. so far all is looking OK and we're hopeful we have some decent time left. As such we're still thinking about the next steps we need to take.