Hidden Depths

Who knows what goes on behind closed doors? Well, these days we know a lot of what goes on behind closed doors as people insist on telling us. I refer not just to yours truly and his fellow blogging ilk. I’m writing about the internet and the weird and wonderful ways we get to explore sex and sexuality.


And sometimes… we can get a bit of a shock.

Well, gentle reader, as you know I am on something of a diet and am a bit pleased with my progress. In order to motivate myself and ensure it really is possible for a 34 year old cheerful fairy to overcome his need to inhale vast quantities of liquid and solid calories, and buff up. However, I wanted to compare myself to something other than the airbrushed and tweaked male models in fitness magazines or Attitude.

‘Aha’ I thought ‘I still have gaydar account – I can do a search for white guys, 34, defined/muscled etc and see what I should be aiming for’.

Search duly performed I have a look at the guys this throws up, not so many to make me feel bad, but not so few as to make me wonder if anything other than Hogzilla is asking the impossible.

And then…

Well, my colleague is somewhat older than 34, but it turns out his boyfriend isn’t and their – joint – profile and their – joint – photos were one of the profiles I clicked on. Whoops.

I was actually quite shocked. I felt like I’d been caught doing something naughty – or worse; stalking him. Awkward!! I mean, I wasn’t cruising, there was a perfectly innocent reason for my search. Does he know I saw his profile? I am torn between hoping he does and hoping he doesn’t… I won't be bringing it up, that’s for sure.

He and his boyfriend can do what they like of course – it’s none of my business and I’m actually not even entitled to the opinion. The only gossip here is that I’ve embarrassed myself, perhaps a little, perhaps a lot – and definitely not for the first time.

What is perhaps a tad more salacious is another one of my colleagues who turns out to be quite a prolific porn star. Quite by chance a gay friend of mine was discussing a porn star he’s a big fan of, and he Googled the guy to guy to show me what he was going on about. Well, very impressive in some ways but what caught my eye was the guy he was with. My colleague. Well, I couldn’t be 100% sure at first, and he wasn’t using his real name! But it is him.

In many ways I’m actually quite pleased I know someone who is living that kind of life. My life is taken up by domestic bliss – this post displaces me going on about our marvellous tomatoes, lettuces and pumpkin Fella and I are growing on our balcony. I am torn, I must admit, sometimes between the times that I was being naughty. Nostalgia. Well, their secrets are safe with me, though they may wonder at the smile on my face from time to time.

He’s behind you!

... oh no he isn't!

With my focus on my upcoming anniversary with Fella, another has gone passed entirely unnoticed.

I refer of course, gentle reader, to outs. Two years my stream of... consciousness has assaulted your senses. Can you forgive me? I admire your patients. More than 330 posts have come and gone in all that time. Thank goodness for Fella, or who knows what else you might have had to suffer?!

Actually I hope the last two years haven't been too bad for you. Sine coming out I have tried to keep to a consistent heading of due Fun. Sometimes veering to Not Fun at All; but equally often drifting over to Oh My That Was Remarkable Fun Indeed.

Due to my tendency to hurl onto this blog whatever crosses my pink gin mind, the posts themselves are an accurate reflection of the broad experiences I have had. There has surely been enough time chewing the cud; I don't need to regurgitate past arguments again here. But the tags on each post have accumulated nicely, I think.

The six I have used the most are:

• relationships;
  
• dating;
  
• meeting men;
  
• sex;
  
• fella;
  
• friends.
  

(I put six because friends deserves to be included, no?)

That is a good mix, I feel. I am content. Things are in balance and life in Strumpetville has been going good.

As for the anniversary of Fella and I, my plans have been somewhat thrown by Fella's inadvertently booking a day tip to Brighton with friends on the day itself. Bless him, he feels terrible, but I'm going to go along and we shall have a nice lunch or dinner, just me and him. I think that's a start. That and presents! Also, we have the rest of the weekend and I suggested taking a day off either Monday or Friday to do all the other things we had tentatively begun to plan.

So stick with it, if it pleases you – I think the balance of the tags may change as times goes on. All part of the rich tapestry of being a Cheerful Fairy.

Gentleman's Area

After a lovely weekend with Fella he has now gone home; I am therefore on my own and to make matters worse I shan’t now see him until Friday. I’m used to seeing him in the week, and this will only be the second week that I shall be entirely without him. How sad :-(

So, I thought to myself, as I’m at a loose end why not write about penises? Well, I sometimes have strange thoughts… but since this bog was started I haven’t discussed greatly cock; banana hammocks; one eyed trouser snakes; the wedding vegetables.

Fear not, gentle reader, this wurstfest is not some self aggrandising soliloquy, eulogising my God give talents. No, I never claimed to be anything special in that department.

We don’t like to talk about penises openly; by which I mean debate rather than discuss loudly on our morning commute. You can't avoid it when cruising - that's what you're after, after all. Still, I have been genuinely taken aback when someone has initiated a conversation with an enquiry about my size; or sent me a range of intimate photo’s of themselves entirely unprompted. Good people, you are mistaken; for I am the puritan whore!

Nevertheless, we all worry about our endowment to a certain extent as we are growing up. In the end, of course, 99.99% of us are absolutely fine and when push comes to shove, as it were, we realise there was little to worry about after all. Nevertheless, you go on gaydar and it’s ‘cock-size’ section seems remarkably well populated with large, nay, extra large gentlemen seeking to make each others’ acquaintance. My personal experience is often the ‘larges’ are prone to exaggerate whilst the ‘averages’ are paragons of modesty (if, ideally, not virtue).

Of course we rarely truly believe adages such as ‘it’s what you do with it that counts’. In reality it is what you do with it that counts, very much so. It’s just that if you are a luckier man than most… well, *ahem* you may not have to do quite as much.

Still, I have been with my fair share of men. the nights of 1994 spent largely in the carpark behind the bus-station in Salisbury; my now-married college housemate whenever he fancied a round of what he termed “the duvet game”; a sizeable proportion of gay men between the ages of 20 and 50 with a postcode beginning SE… and I would say that there is a “goldicocks” size out there: not to big, not too small, but juuuust riiiight. One of my exes was prodigious not only in his enthusiasm to the extent there was a period when I genuinely could not sit down. And whilst sometimes that’s fine, sometimes there’s something alarming as well as genuinely aesthetically displeasing at some enormous great thing looming out of the dark at you.

Still, it’s funny how important this kind of things seems to be. I do think how good someone is in bed is an important part of what future I may have with him; but at the end of the day I think referring you to rule 7 is the best way to end this post.

Spellbound

CASUAL not causal.

Damn damn damn. And arsebiscuits.

Must learn to spell...

*cheerful fairy is embarrassed for losing double-plus brownie points with Gentle Reader*

Thanks!

Finally, finally gentle reader I am online at home! No more poorly spelt and ill thought out posts hastily published because I am at work. Nope, now we default to my disordered mind and lack or erudition for the errors on this blog.

Firstly I should say Thank You to everyone who commented on and messaged me about my intermediate posts. I’ve rarely been able to reply or acknowledge the invaluable advice and support. That doesn’t mean I haven’t appreciated it!

Now normal service can be resumed…

Date up...date.

Well, two dates down and the third should be happening right now, so you can guess that’s not working out too well. Ho Hum. Let’s start with Wednesday’s guys…

My lunch date was with a musician at a very nice gastro-pub on Forest Hill, which is a surprisingly convenient place to get to for where I live. All good. We met, talked, had lunch, a glass of wine and then a coffee. We talked at length about classical music – he plays the clarinet and the saxophone and the piano. Hmmm, good with lips, breath control and fingers. Could, perhaps, come in handy? Anyway, we have a nice time – I think so, anyway – and since then we’ve exchanged messages and it looks like we’ll go out again sometime next week. Huzzah!

In the evening I met date number two in Clapham in a really nice small bar, called the Kazbar. We actually hit it off right away. He’s Irish, and a social worker. After a couple of drinks we had dinner – I had the largest pizza in the world in a small family run restaurant he knows well – and the me headed back for more drinks, bumping into some friends of his along the way. Friends who confided that Frumpella is a bit spiffy, hehe. It was lots of fun but by 11, bearing in mind it was a datetastic day, we were both fading fast so he walked be back to the tube and that was that. He’s back to Ireland today but said he would get in touch when he returns [Rule 15?] so we’ll see.

As for today’s date; unable to get through by phone I sent a message on gaydar and all of a sudden it seems we’re supposed to meet tomorrow, not today at all. I’m confused because I had work drinks tonight anyway and can’t imagine why I’d consciously double-book myself in that way when I was free tomorrow anyway. So I’ve said the time we agreed – late, for tha tvery reason – isn’t really convenient on Friday and we’ll have to meet earlier. If at all. Face: bothered?

So, two good dates; one non-date. Still quite a few guys messaging me on gaydar. As an aside, when (and why) did that suddenly become date central? Even Mr Christmas got back in touch. Has this anything to do with my new profile pictures, including for the first time *gasp* a body pic? Yes, Rule 5 is alive and well in Strumpetville, gentle reader!! I doubt my rippling averageness is tipping the balance... but all this Rule 1 business is getting a bit tiresome!

Further updates as dates warrant; in the meantime a bank holiday weekend when I intend to date no-one at all ;-)

Popular

I’m not doing too well on posts this month… though I have a few posts in mind, as you will see from the right here. But I think my output might not increase greatly very soon.

It seems that all of a sudden I have so many dates I’ve actually had to start turning people down! I don’t know why; Frumpella remains unchanged. Spring has sprung in Strumpetville, but I’ve been taking advantage of that in other ways… I can’t explain it.

But of course I’m not complaining! It’s nice to be popular. What has the remainder of April in store?

This Thursday I have dinner and drinks in Soho with a guy I met – like all my upcoming dates – through gaydar. He visited my profile; I liked the look of him, so marked his profile with a ‘flame’; he said thanks; the rest is… future! 30, slim, cute, creative...

After a quiet weekend I have drinks in Eltham with my next date, 37 and works in communication. We haven’t finalised the details yet but again we’ll see what happens.

Tuesday a break from the man-carousel with a work do… and then on Wednesday date number three. This is the guy I blogged about a couple of posts ago; the one who asked me out and then complained I hadn’t replied just as I was doing that! Well, we are going out after all and he’s laying on the charm very much; perhaps to make up for his earlier outburst! This one is 33, and a social worker. We’re meeting near where he lives, in Clapham.

Thursday I have another work do, but must make my getaway early for the last date of that week; a return to Clapham for my final slice of XY cake; a 37 year old musician with a marvellous line in tattoos.

This and next Friday are both going to be my nights in to recover from my knights out.

After that? Well, I’ve consciously avoided arranging any further dates as if we have to jump at least two weeks ahead and still work around various social and work lives then it becomes a bit silly. “I can sweep you off your feet… erm… between 8:00 and 10:30 on the third Tuesday in June?” Perhaps not.

Actually I’m pondering, depending on how these dates go, giving myself the May and possibly June as a date-free zone. My friend ‘A’ is doing a sponsored sobriety for six weeks, which is an amusing way of raising funds for charity. I wonder if I could get sponsored to spend a month not going on about being a big gayer looking/longing for love but to talk about something else? How much would you give for that to happen, gentle reader? ;-)

Politeness

Sometimes it doesn’t surprise me that gay men are stereotyped as bitchy and superficial; there’s a huge amount of pressure to be and look and act a certain way. This doesn’t make things easy on the dating scene, and can be a bit of a challenge when out looking for something more… casual too.

Recently a couple of guys with whom – separately I might add – I’ve had assignations got in touch to say they had a nice time. I thought this was particularly nice and it was much appreciated. Even if there are a no plans to meet again – and in one instance I was asked out a date though I politely declined – I thought it was very thoughtful to do that. It just shows that while we may like sex, it doesn’t mean we’re bad people.

Conversely, people whom I have politely said “thanks but no thanks” to have proven somewhat persistent and I’ve found it hard to deal with. There are only so many ways once can say ‘no’.

Therefore I can see why people ignore messages from those they don’t want to hook up with. The online cruising world is surprisingly competitive; though manners cost nothing there isn’t the time and the space to chat when you are on a mission!

Speculatively I do wonder whether this all generates a feedback loop where guys pretend to be something they are not – lie about their age, post outdated pictures on their profile etc. In turn guys become more hard-hearted and impolite because they have low expectations of others; he is probably lying so why be nice? And the cycle begins again.

I myself have always tried to be completely honest, and am surprised when that in itself is remarked on as a rare [and precious] quality. And one of the things that has annoyed me is being stood up (it has happened, though mercifully rarely) or abandoned in the middle of an otherwise promising discussion because a brighter prospect turned up.

I can only hope that Mr Right comes to Strumpetville soon, to take me away from all this… actually, I am still having my fun though dates have eaten up my casual-man-fun time recently. Nick (my neighbour-with-benefits) and I have been seeing a bit more of each other recently and a local guy I hooked up with a early in January is becoming a regular visitor so I suppose I’m enjoying a bit of R&R from the cut and thrust of online cruising.

Normal Service

… has been restored. Yes, gentle reader, The Cheerful Fairy is back.

Last night I drank a lot of wine and had a good old cry; one that was some two weeks overdue. So, this morning, the combination of booze and tears had inevitably found me somewhat hung over. And amazingly horny! Which I only mention now because I hooked up someone who turned out to be a former rent boy from San Fransisco. He was really interesting and alongside some very good-but-naughty fun indeed we talked for hours and hours… He isn’t really my type in many ways but being nearby and so very interesting I think I will keep in touch as a friend.

But that is by the by, because the real reason I’m cheerful if this:

I have been asked out not once, not twice, but three times for a date. Well, two and a half times possibly – as I shall now explain:

Date 1 is a food technologist from Wanstead who messaged me on OUT and we got chatting. Because work is so busy we can’t meet till 27 February, but we're keeping in touch, so it all seems good.

Date 2 will be a TV producer I’ve been exchanging messages with via Parship and who asked me out this very morning. Parship uses psychometrics and on the face of it we’re not compatible but he and I get on well so far. So I replied that I’d love to; we shall see what comes of it.

Date 3, or 2.5 I suppose, is the most surprising. It’s not really a date as such, not yet – merely a request for one. The surprise comes in two parts. The first is that it is from a guy on gaydar. Since joining it about a year ago it has become abundantly, if delightfully, clear it isn’t a dating site… on my, no. So I’m really quite pleased. All the more so because the gaydar guy is insanely good looking. He’d looked at my profile before but had not drawn my attention (no pictures either; he sent me some with his message) so I’d thought nothing of it.

I call it date 2.5, should we actually go out, because I’m surprised at the interest from him. He’s that good looking!

Oh, don’t worry; I’m not going to sit here and stress over how he's so much better looking than me. A resounding yes will be winging its way back to him too.

So there we have it. As if by magic, dating arrived.

Learn the rules

Another weekend, gentle reader, half over. Has there been some man fun? Why, yes. Yes there has.

I hummed and hahed over going online today as I brought a lot of work home and Saturday is a deadline for a client of mine; but online I did go.

The first few guys who expressed an interest didn’t really attract me but after a while this really hot (and I mean hot) fella began chatting to me and we arranged for him to come over. Unfortunately, and this is really only the second or third time this has happened to me, he stood me up.

I don’t mind a guy cancelling. It happens. Even a guy changing his mind once we’ve met. It… happens. I’m really not into pressurising someone to do what they don’t want to so would rather people cancel and feel OK than meet me and feel bad.

What I don’t like is a guy who should be in my bed popping up in the chat room where we met without getting in touch. I only caught him out because I never logged off (I used the time to get my work done, being an efficient slattern you see) so when he came up there again I sent a sharp message discussing the merits of Rule 7 and moved on.

I know the wonderful world of cruising is not known for its manners and etiquette but a simple “sorry I’m not coming because… you’re just not that attractive” isn’t too much to ask, is it?

Well, fortunately there are plenty more fish in the sea and, unbowed, I hooked up with a guy who lived only about 15 minutes walk away. A rather charming South African in his early forties, and very nicely put together with it. His apartment has a floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the river (like mine but better!) and that kind of view only enhanced the fun for me. Very nice. In fact we may well hook up again in the future given his location and… the rest.

The reason I like older fellas [and when I write older I mean born before me, not necessarily ‘old’er] is they know what they want, how to get it, what to do when they get it and don’t mess guys around. They are well mannered – I was offered a glass of wine on arrival and a shower before leaving, - and understand the concept of No Strings Attached without rushing you out of the door or making false promises about meeting again.

So, a good time so far. I really think "The Rules of Shagging" might be another money-spinner…

Ambition

Today Christmas and I had dinner at my place.

We met on Tuesday too, as a last minute thing, and he treated me to a quite expensive Thai dinner at the Hays Galleria. Thus today was the fourth time we have met (though Christmas will insist on fifth preferring to count Christmas Day and Christmas Eve as two dates not one) and returning the favour, in a small way, is the least I could do.

I have caught from him a stinking cold and am not at my most sexual at the moment so, although we welcomed 2009 with a bang, I asked him not to spend the night. Well, it’s still very early days, after all, and I explained most people wouldn’t be having sex at this point. But you know me by now, gentle reader…

Christmas is away for three weeks but said today before we parted that he’d like to keep seeing me and I said I’d liked that too; so when he’s back we shall most certainly see how things go. I’d like to let things take their time. Things will happen or they won’t. No infatuation or emotional immaturity. If I can help it. Erm...

Turning now to my slutty side; as a treat to myself I rejoined gaydar as a member. This morning I was hoping to get some pre-Christmas action after having slept off my hangover – I was at a great party in Gypsy Hill till about 3:00am but got a text from International describing swimming naked with his boyfriend off the coast of Cape Canaveral with some kind of “nice knowing you, look after yourself in 2009” attached to it.. He did hurt me a bit with that and my NYE enthusiasm then waned somewhat. It made me realise how much I do need to make a fresh start.

Anyway, got a fair bit of interest on gaydar and lined up two future shags today and two future possibles, so a productive 1 January. But with the cold it’s probably best to hold off the magic roundabout for the time being.

Speaking of being sexual I have decided for 2009 to cut way, way back and have no more than one or two partners a week [would that he were joking]. A friend described me as ‘cock crazy’ today, which isn’t entirely fair I think - but then I am trying to persuade him to get back out there and have some fun following a recent break up, so possibly regale him with my ribald wit a tad too much. Nevertheless a nice steady flow of man-flesh rather than gorging may not be such a bad idea.

Until at least it’s Christmas every day.

Big scary ghoulies

Hallowe’en and it’s the one night of the week I’m staying in. I probably need the rest – my liver certainly does. I’ve been right off the booze as part of my diet and in any event work’s been too busy to let myself get drunk so my tolerance is slipping. Yet Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday all on the sauce. Well, I’m not going to sacrifice my gorgeous ripplingness for a beer belly again!

Speaking of gorgeousness, I am while writing this online cruising – gaydar and squirt – and hopefully things this weekend will be a bit more exciting than my current plan which is staying in and writing my Opus Dei on mental health services.

As for work, though only at my new office for two months I have spied what may be my next career move – with the World Health Organisation, working in London and (occassionally) Geneva. I speak excellent German and give good French; what could be more ideal?

Anyway, I now have a couple of guys on the boil so let us keep our fingers crossed! It’s been six weeks since I haunted these chat-rooms last and I feel out of practice. Largely due to the frenetic activity I engaged in previously. Ho hum. Perhaps it’s like riding a bike… Strumpetville remains a friendly town.

I had counselling session number three yesterday. I wasn’t really in the mood – a long day, a short lunch and friends later – but we explored my childhood and my career in great depth and my counsellor took lots of notes to review – so who knows what he will come up with next week. He really does persist in the belief I find it challenging to practise safe sex which is irksome (and inaccurate) to say the least. I hope I am able to persuade him of my good behaviour!

In a further effort to be good, at least to myself, I have concluded that it is probably time to wind things up with International. There were only three ways it was going to happen; either I do it, which will be tough, he slowly drifts away, which will be really tough, or he dumps me, which would destroy me. So the lesser of three evils then – and hence the first step of going back onto the market. I’m not yet convinced my full allotment of wild oats has been sown though I’m not quite ready to resume the search for Mr Right quite yet. My friends last night approved of my decision; I hope you do too gentle reader. It will leave me feeling a bit sad. I hope I stick to my guns! And in time dating, boyfriends, and (I hope) love.

The Turtle Moves

Well, I’m done with the domestic goddess routine. The Academic can take it or leave it. I managed to get rid of some old clothes too – now that I’ve come out I can’t keep going around in the same old rags now, can I?! Which reminds me – it’s dress down Friday tomorrow. What a dreadful idea. I like to dress up smart and wear my posh-frock to work. A well tailored shirt certainly 'does' and suits certainly suit.

Today I have two new friends on Facebook; one of whom is a fellow blogger and the other a lady I went to university with and haven’t seen for years and years. It’s great to catch up with people after all this time; what is and what might have been etc. On a sadder note (for me) one of my oldest friends (met at High School!) is heading off around the world soon and though we’ll probably meet up before they go I will miss them. I’m trying to get them to start a blog; and then we can share their adventures together, gentle reader!

All this change… I’ve really been feeling on edge for a little while. Like… something’s going to happen. Like it’s spring. I don’t know what it is. I am very much looking forward to having the Academic over to stay; that certainly has put me in a good mood. And generally getting things done is quite uplifting for me too; Lord knows the flat needed the attention! Making new friends is always fun. I’m getting my five portions a day. The weather’s been dreadful - but on the other hand my new moisturiser promises younger looking skin in but four weeks… And sometimes when you smile, the world smiles with you. But I don’t think it is any of those things. Perhaps I’m getting an inkling of how lucky I am. Well, some insight couldn’t hurt.

Whatever ‘it’ is, it’s to be enjoyed while it lasts. In the meantime double-plus hooray for snuggles and smooches and all the fun you can have with a man. I’ll tell you all about it on the next post.

Two dollar banjo

In my last post I discussed a 20 year old guy I encountered via OUT who seemed a bit cynical and down about dating and getting out there – and how keen I was for him not to fritter his youth away. Well, the next night – last night – I was due to go out on a date but it was cancelled on the flimsy pretext of a murder or something. Anyway, I found myself with time on my hands and said guy contacted me so we ended up meeting for a drink.

... well…

I’m afraid one thing led to another and before I knew it things were progressing down Fuzunjulation Avenue at a very rapid pace.

Am I showing off now? No. I’m actually taking pause for a bit of a stock take, because there are a range of things I’ve been thinking about since:

Age: Ten years younger than me is far too young. For me going the other way is not a problem; the greatest age difference between me and any guy I’ve dated (and the rest) is 24 years my senior; I currently have my eye on a rather dishy 41 year old that I’m patiently trying to tempt out for a date. Though I have had casual assignations over the last few months with some guys in their early 20s, perhaps I’m looking for someone older to be in a relationship with because of my lack of experience in that area?

Flavour: I’m adventurous but pure vanilla, and am happy with that. I was thinking a today about guys who seem happy just to acquire notches on the bedpost and… OK, I’ve been a bit like that. But this guy really isn’t vanilla; make no mistake. How does someone that age learn they’re into that kind of stuff? Not that I can really describe said ‘stuff’ here… we can applaud the adventurous spirit though I suppose. But I am now shocked; although I’ve never really had a problem indulging other people’s tastes (in fact I derive most pleasure form pleasing The Other) this was somewhat further than I have travelled down that road before.

Played. That’s what I feel has happened. All this ‘I’m not into one night stands’ et al – but as soon as it happens he doesn’t want to know me any more – he’s made quite clear he got what he came for. It makes me feel like a dirty old perv and a naïve teenager all at the same time.

The unique combination of youth and cynicism. This is one of the first things I’ve turned to my newly acquired gay friends to discuss. Of course, life being that thing that it is, the ‘two degrees of separation’ issue came to light very quickly and now some of them are looking at me in a very new light indeed.

Memo to self: learn self control.

Augustus Princepus

Recently on OUT there was a poll about the traits members found most attractive in a man. You wanna see the list? Here’s the list:

intelligence;
consideration;
liberalism;
generosity;
self-deprecation;
inquisitiveness;
good manners;
a nice smile;
nice eyes;
‘down to earth’;
approachable;
sensitive;
reliable;
interested in others;
brave;
broad-minded;
empathetic;
environmentally conscious;
sincere;
humorous;
humility;
emotional intelligence;
curiosity;
‘miscibility’.

I’m not brave really, and I don’t have a nice smile at all. Apart from that I embody in some way most of the list. Not all the time though; catch me on a bad day and… well, I could care less about my carbon footprint! I’m not sure either if I fully represent “the ability of two liquids to mix and form a homogenous solution” but I try. Anyway one of the most important things about this list is that some of my dates contributed to it. Thanks for the tips guys ;-)

No, I think my problem is a certain emotional immaturity – and being a frumpy baggage of course. It is interesting though that the obvious physical characteristics are absent from the above list – and the louche certainly.

Speaking of which Date 1 was due to occur today but just as I was about to go shopping for a new posh-frock to wear when I met him, he cancelled on me. This has annoyed me somewhat as I was quite looking forward to a night out. Now I’m going to be a bit domestic and will probably have an early night. BOO! Well, at least I’ll have plenty of beauty sleep for Date 2.

Last night I was chatting to his guy who was about 20 and who said he hadn’t been on a date for a year and hadn’t enjoyed his conjugals for longer than that. I tried to get him to go out and enjoy himself but he seemed to think that, to quote him, he was ‘Plan B’ to most guys. I think it is really sad that someone so young is hiding himself away – I’m hardly able to offer advice about the search for Herr Recht but naturally I do think he should enjoy his youth to the fullest possible extent. He is quite a looker too – far too young for me of course, though he was very complimentary about my profile.

As for me, I’m going to enjoy my dates as and how they come and – though miffed about being cancelled – I’m going to enjoy the month of August and still intend take a well deserved break from being boyfriend-hunting. Instead I shall [try to] enjoy my peri-birthday period on its own merits! Of course there's always eye-candy... memo to self: become gorgeous.

Vanilla

Though made of angels and demons in unequal measure, what I am and ever shall be is vanilla, the various shenanigans detailed within this blog notwithstanding.

However I did think this truck stop on the road to love would be the time to describe in more detail the dating, chat, and cruising (yes, it’s true) websites I’ve joined and that are listed amongst the general gubbins on the right hand side of this page.

As an aside cruising in the traditional sense is something I haven't done since I came out. I am very lucky, I think, that since then the internet let me cruise and be cruised from the comfort of my own home. My experiences of that could lead to an interesting discussion about what – in this world of webcams, mobiles and instant messaging – exactly sex is. But let us savour the unsavoury prospect of that discussion, gentle reader, at another time.

Where to begin?

Well, let us start with gaydar. It’s a cruising site; I would generally dive straight into the chat rooms, pick someone up and that would be that. It’s a place to go if you want to have sex with men without too much fuss and with absolutely no strings attached. It is a well done website, with profiles, messaging, instant messaging, chat-rooms and, well virtually everything your heart, soul and baser nature could desire.

I have met there some genuinely nice people who have become not ‘lovers' but friends and indeed there is a community undercurrent if you look hard enough for it. But, in the final analysis gaydar = sex, and there you will almost certainly get some. Membership is very inexpensive but most of the site’s features are available in some form free.

Next then is my most favouritest man-web-place, OUT. NOT for sex, no sir. Or at least not obviously so; I’ve had my fair share of assignations, I must admit. It is, however, first and foremost a great ‘community’ site. Forums, messaging and real-word activities. It is also generally pretty work safe, depending of course on where you work. I’ve made quite a few friends off that site and it is where most of my actual proper date dates have been had, as opposed to casual hook-ups. OUT really isn’t for that kind of thing, though as indicated it can happen. It is a pay site but isn’t too expensive, and you get an honest-to-God membership card too!

As for explicit dating – Guardian Soulmates. It’s at the pricier end of the market and, cheekily, it is free to access messages but you have to pay a membership fee before you can reply. Having said that I met Mark there, and it came recommended by a friend so it must be quite good for anyone looking for romance.

In complete contrast Squirt is a total meat market. No romance there, oh no. It is like a smaller version of gaydar, but it has some useful additional features, including video-chat and video-chat rooms – though as you can imagine people seem rarely to use them for 'chat'!! Also, if someone sends you a message the site notifies you by email (whereas with gaydar you have to log in and check). Thirdly, members can rate each other according to their experiences. Here's a remarkably flattering example (that was posted some time after the event I would hasten to add):

Again there is a small membership fee, but not too onerous. I guess the main difference with gaydar is that Squirt is much more explicit BUT at the same time you’re much less likely to get anywhere. What I mean by that is that there are lots of guys who promise the Earth and then fail to deliver – to the point where I often have agreed to accommodate someone for an assignation entirely secure in the knowledge they simply won’t turn up. Great banquests I have planned only to end up with egg and chips *sigh*. Having said that I consistently have had a, well, let’s say broader range of experiences via Squirt than via gaydar. So on balance I would recommend joining, but as one of a few sites rather than just that one.

Parship is another dating site. Purely dating. Interestingly it searches for likely matches based on a psychometric profile, and it does not allow you to pick your own user name or let you show profile picture. You may, though, write something about yourself to go with your psychometric profile that is accessible to others on the site. Should someone be interested they will contact you, or you can contact someone who interests you. Only at that time can you reveal your secret identity and show your face. I’ve found it to be a relatively ‘slow’ site, but then I’ve not really concentrated on it and generally I think you get out of all these sites what you put in. Overall it's worth a whirl!

Queer Personals does a good job of striking a balance between community, dating and cruising aspects. It’s quite new but seems to be growing fast and for the moment is totally free. Consciously taking the best bits from most of the sites listed above I would recommend people join it and help it to grow; as it is so new I think there is a genuine opportunity to effect the site’s development. It caters to members' needs a bit better than most of the other sites I've mentioned and I think it is highly suitable for younger gay men in particular.

And the rest? Fitlads and Gay Date are mere footnotes and fripperies to this post. There’s nothing much to say about them; whether you seek the l’amour or le petit mort, try the other sites above before you go there.

Fallen Angel

For a while there today the angst-counter was well into the red, and the blouse reader was off the scale. The engines cannae take it Cap’n!!

“Hi I will call you later x”

That’s the reply to my (much longer) message this morning wishing Mark well and trying to confirm Wednesday.

Uh-oh. ‘x’ notwithstanding, that’s not going to help is it?

Well, before we go further, a terrible confession.

I saw new-V last night for some double-plus naughtiness. I know, I know, I know; what’s wrong with me? I do really like Mark, and I’ve set out before that monogamy is fine – having my cake and eating it is not [he alleged] what this is about. But…

I’m new at this. I know it’s the same old excuse, but there we are. I really need some affirmation from Mark. I think the moment he clearly expresses some kind of link to me – calls me his boyfriend, tells me how much he likes me etc – then the situation will be much improved. But I can’t ask for that, because it would be false and I know he doesn’t want the ‘pressure’. So, until I have something more concrete it’s difficult for me to refuse to see others, even if it’s just sex.

Anyway, today Mark calls me as promised to explain that he can’t see me on Wednesday because he has to see a client – that is he forgot we had plans when he agreed to do that. He was very apologetic and promised to make it up to me, though I was naturally very disappointed.

But the most useful thing about the conversation, for all that it will be about 10 days between seeing each other, is that it convinced me he does like me and isn’t about to dump me – he would have done it by now, surely? – and so ironically I do feel a lot better about things and am happier that we have a stable foundation for… the future!

Phew! Talk about taking the long way round!!

Tonight I went out for a not-date with a neighbour of mine (it turns out virtually everyone where I live is gay, and I had no idea!) for dinner and drinks at the by-now-familiar O2. We met on Gaydar when he messaged me to say he saw my profile and recognised me from the Facebook group of our local community; then he found me on OUT too – so, smallest of all possible worlds, we decided to meet up for drinks. I had a good night - we talked and talked, and we may meet again, but I think this is probably more platonic – so with this one nothing happened!!

Another day

Tuesday holds another visit to the doctor for me. I’m just back, actually, laden with five, count ‘em, five different medicines. A galaxy of tablets I need to take for at least three months possibly six. Aaargh! If I have to stay off the booze for that length of time I’m going to be a bit miffed…



In the meantime I’m supposed to take at least one more week out of work and chillax. Like Hell! Bills don’t pay themselves (or do they? If they do please let me know, gentle reader!).

Well, I guess that means I could concentrate on the dating scene for a while (and blogging of course). I’m going out to dinner with friends on Friday, and seeing the Sex and the City film on Sunday with another friend, and neighbour, who coincidentally was at Lord of the Rings when I was there with 'D'.

Speaking of a small world, QueerPersonals was started by another neighbour of mine, hence the mysterious invite; as well as a human pin cushion (thanks doc) I’m also the guinea pig for the next Gaydar. Well, I wish him all the best. I’ve already been propositioned by a 24 year old and, to my genuine horror, an 18 year old; but they’re far too young for me (though it is true What’shisname falls between those ages). At the other end of the scale I’ve also been asked to do some “passive web-cam action” for a “dominant daddy”, and been invited to some kind of group activity by some older gentlemen… but nothing doing. Truth is I’m not really in the mood for the casual thing right now. All very flattering though.

So now I’m staring a 72 hour teatime in the face… well, I’m going to go to a concert at St Martins on Thursday, as I’d been meaning to go back there for a while; I love classical music though few of my friends share that interest. Plus there are things I really have to get on with.

During the meanstwhiles I have decided to throw myself at the Parship and Soulmates websites. It’s a bit gruelling, actually, to find people you might like and send what is really the same message to about 13 of them. But I’ve had three replies so far, and I’ve replied to each of those… and we’ll see how it goes. After all, they do say a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down ;-)

Yum

I have to say I could warm to the single life. For a given value of ‘single’ of course.

Over the last couple of days I have been a bit up and down, literally from one hour to the next. So... late last night in a reckless fit of horniness I sent a couple of guys on gaydar, with whom I had been chatting/flirting anyway (caveats abound, gentle reader), an open invitation to come round and pretty much do whatever they might want.

So, of course I spent most of today kicking myself. Why did I do that (bar the obvious)? What would I do if the reply was yes? What would I do if the reply was no? What would I do if there was no reply? What would I do if the reply was “ew, yuck!”? What would I do if I’d propositioned someone who turned out to be a major client? Aaargh!

Eventually though, when I got home to check if a reply had been sent, I was just relieved to see the reply was “yes please!”; and so I replied and one text message led to another and before you know it my evening is taking one giant leap for the better…

I guess what I wanted in the grand scheme of things was to be with someone just because before I wasn’t (if that makes sense), and occasional random guys here and there didn’t address some fairly clear emotional needs – I’m a sensitive guy, and not just in the vuduedium! So I thought when I was in a relationship “great, this is what I want”. But actually what I need is to be with men, intimately or otherwise, who like me for who I am regardless of what we do, and the context in which we get to know each other.

I had a great time tonight with someone who turned out to be a lot of fun – seriously, the guy can talk dirty at an Olympic level, and talking dirty isn’t something I’m normally into. Plus one major theme of this evening has been a fairly explicit list of fantasies being drawn up, which we’re both going to take Monday off to work through in no particular order (not all, of course; one of my secret favourites can’t be done without some fairly delicate planning, and as for his… well, I’m not dressing as a milkmaid for anyone).

As for the time between then and now: tomorrow I’m going out with lovely friends for the usual “just one…”, Saturday afternoon is a coffee morning with some men in the local area where I hope to meet some new friends, and Saturday evening have a date with ‘O’, who’s damned fine, totally ‘in’, and only stopping off at Airstrip One for a few days… And that should lead us nicely into a quiet Sunday.

Frankly, it is nice to look forward to these things when also feeling a little bit attractive, when learning about the things one really does like, and finding out going out on a limb is never, ever the wrong thing to do.

Yep, things aren’t looking too bad at all right now. Not bad at all...

Coming out... being out.

So, Coming Out is pretty much done. Friends know, family knows. Everyone has been pretty much fantastic, though there have been a couple of flies in the ointment recently. Had some hurtful text messages from a former friend who did not take the Big News so well. And, of course, there’s Darren – he came over last night unannounced to collect the last of his things, and to bring back mine, hand back the door key etc. We had a bit of a tearful goodbye, which set the theme for my evening. But! That Was The Love That Was, gentle reader, and we won’t be hearing any more about that here*. This blog is about looking forward!

To that end the next step is to get out there and meet guys. Corrr. As I think I’ve mentioned most of my friends and colleagues are straight, and I’m far too shy to just turn up at the nearest night spot and wait for something to happen.

What to do, what to do?

First step: over the last couple of weeks I’ve joined some dating/chat/etc websites.

The first of these is Gaydar, which strays very much into ‘etc’ territory. I have actually met some really nice people on there and I hope still to get a few of them out on a date (it’s how I met ‘A’), but we’ll see. On the down side there’s one guy who’s been a bit of a scary-stalker type, which isn’t quite what I needed, but I think he’s got the message now (famous last words?). Darren signed me up to it, and he’s on there too, so that might also be a bit awkward… Still, there have been a lot of pressing invitations from a range of charmers, including the offer of a mind-boggling amount of money from a certain older gentlemen to do… well, things I just turned down flat. All very flattering, and a bit of an ego boost; a place to be a bit flirtatious when I'm in the mood.

Next is Guardian Soulmates. This was recommended by a very good friend so I gave it a whirl. It’s quite highbrow; I kinda feel like a bit of rough on there amongst all the lute players, novelists, and PhDs. Soulmates is quite slow, but in a good way – I didn’t want to join another site where you get bombarded with messages (and the rest). I’ve had a message from one guy and another has flagged my profile as being of interest; I’ve also seen a couple of people that drew my interest… so cross-fingers that may lead to something in its own good time.

The most recent site is OUT Everywhere. It’s more of a discussion site and place where activities and events are organised and advertised – next Saturday, for example, I’m going for a ‘gay coffee morning’ close to where I live. There’s also ‘gay country dancing’, ‘gay book club’, ‘gay cinema group’ and presumably ‘gay fight club’… actually that's a bit bitchy; it’s a really good site. I’ve chatted with a few blokes - some in, some out; some in relationships, some single - and it seems a nice safe way of making friends so I’m very hopeful that will yield good things too.

I guess we’ll have to wait and see.