The Regulars

One of the many ways in which my life has changed as an out gay man is that, alongside the occasional boyfriendette and the more frequent assignation, I have built up a small portfolio of what I term regular gentleman callers. Others might call them fuck-buddies or friends-with-benefits.

Of the current crop the first is ‘T’. You may recall, gentle reader, he is one of the very first guys I hooked up with after Darren disappeared. He already has a boyfriend, who is keen for an open-relationship whilst ‘T’ is not. So when said boyfriend is away, as he often is, and enjoying his freedoms I am called on as the spare. ‘T’ lives close by, in an absolute palace, and always treats me like a prince. I shall remember ‘T’ with the greatest fondness because of when we met; and so it pleases me greatly that we still hook up from time to time. He sets the standard in, oh so many ways. I consider myself very lucky.

Next on the list is Mr Cake; a guy who lives near to me and I first met a few months ago via the magic of gaydar. He’s a very nice South African and lots of fun. Since first meeting we have kept in touch and have each other as a kind of “are you available right the pardon the pun now?!” option when the need *ahem* arises.

Of course there is Nick, my neighbour who I have blogged about before. He and I met via OUT, and went on a date that resulted us being friends, with the attendant benefits. We infrequently get together at weekends to have dinner at my place (he shares; I live alone), watch a DVD, drink some wine and… though when I’m seeing someone he maintains a respectful distance which is really sweet of him, and I much appreciate.

Number four at the top-table is The Gardener. Now, I’ll be totally honest: he is simply the best. I mean so good I sometimes feel like I can’t cope with how good it is. He’s got quite a few guys like me on the go; why ever not? As a bonus The Gardener has a Friend whom he occasionally brings along to join the fun. They’re both great and very considerate – often giving the place a bit of a tidy on their way out which is touching, if also somewhat amusing.

And last but not least we come to the one that got away. A very young private stationed at the barracks just up the road. We would either meet at my place or outdoors near his base. Rather lacking in charm or tact, I assure you he makes up for it in other ways. Yet his imminent posting to far-far-away-land means that for quite some time we shall not meet again. Which, thinking about it, leaves a vacancy. Hmmm...

So there we have it, five different guys; unique in terms of what attracts me to them and the circumstances under which we meet. It is very nice to have them to call on instead of having always to jump on gaydar or whatever. Though of course I still do, from time to time. Whenever Mr Right comes along I’ll have to put him on special vitamins; he’s got a lot to live up to!

Politeness

Sometimes it doesn’t surprise me that gay men are stereotyped as bitchy and superficial; there’s a huge amount of pressure to be and look and act a certain way. This doesn’t make things easy on the dating scene, and can be a bit of a challenge when out looking for something more… casual too.

Recently a couple of guys with whom – separately I might add – I’ve had assignations got in touch to say they had a nice time. I thought this was particularly nice and it was much appreciated. Even if there are a no plans to meet again – and in one instance I was asked out a date though I politely declined – I thought it was very thoughtful to do that. It just shows that while we may like sex, it doesn’t mean we’re bad people.

Conversely, people whom I have politely said “thanks but no thanks” to have proven somewhat persistent and I’ve found it hard to deal with. There are only so many ways once can say ‘no’.

Therefore I can see why people ignore messages from those they don’t want to hook up with. The online cruising world is surprisingly competitive; though manners cost nothing there isn’t the time and the space to chat when you are on a mission!

Speculatively I do wonder whether this all generates a feedback loop where guys pretend to be something they are not – lie about their age, post outdated pictures on their profile etc. In turn guys become more hard-hearted and impolite because they have low expectations of others; he is probably lying so why be nice? And the cycle begins again.

I myself have always tried to be completely honest, and am surprised when that in itself is remarked on as a rare [and precious] quality. And one of the things that has annoyed me is being stood up (it has happened, though mercifully rarely) or abandoned in the middle of an otherwise promising discussion because a brighter prospect turned up.

I can only hope that Mr Right comes to Strumpetville soon, to take me away from all this… actually, I am still having my fun though dates have eaten up my casual-man-fun time recently. Nick (my neighbour-with-benefits) and I have been seeing a bit more of each other recently and a local guy I hooked up with a early in January is becoming a regular visitor so I suppose I’m enjoying a bit of R&R from the cut and thrust of online cruising.

Undefined

A lot has happened in the last 24 hours, gentle reader, so it is time to think aloud once more and subject the ether to my musings…

Last night I went to my neighbour for cocktails and nibbles and Sex and the City and after many, many margaritas, I stumbled home and decided in a fit of whimsy to update my Facebook profile from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘it’s complicated’.

Virtually immediately Nick got in touch and suggested he come over for a drink, DVD etc. Classic modus operandi for him; get in touch in the early hours; suggest we watch a film; watch about 1/3 of said film; end up in bed. Last night’s booty call was no different.

It was, however, nice to hear from him and to be honest it was a welcome distraction from the events of the day. Nick spent the night, and we had more fun on the Sunday morning before he had to go to a lunch, and I had to go to Eltham for my pre-arranged assignation.

That was fun, oh yes, and I am very, very tired now. Back at home I contemplated procuring shag number four of the weekend but there was not much interest in little old me on gaydar (I really must refresh my profile), and to be fair I’m not sure how well I would have acquitted myself give my recent exertions! Certainly Eltham is keen to meet again, but right now I am drained!!

So, shag, shag but not all shag, gentle reader: oh no. Because Interspersed among all this were messages to and from International.

He said he hadn’t slept well last night, thinking about his life, and us. And to quote him “All I can say to you is that I have fallen for you. I love you and care about you so much. It is not just about the sex for me. I want to do the right thing for you as well as the right thing for me and if we are both getting stressed about it, that's not good is it?” He also agreed ‘it’s complicated’ was a fair assessment!

In my reply I advised him not to feel bad as it was a useful discussion we had and clarified things a lot. I said we were still seeing each other, and I for one am not getting stressed; we will just have to see how things go.

How do I feel? I don’t know yet. I’m probably going to have to go through some kind of five stages process to get my head round it all. There’s a bit of denial going on; he still loves me so it’s all OK right? But I know the situation has changed and while we are still together the value of together has shifted to something as yet undefined...

Freundlichkeit

I have made a decision, gentle reader: I’m going to get over myself.

I introduced a friend of mine to my blog yesterday and that gave me an opportunity to re-read my own first posts from March this year. It was a bit embarrassing really, to see the parallels between here and now. And I don’t want this to be the blog of history repeating!

I care for International very deeply. I’ve become infatuated. I do that! I don’t know how deeply he feels for me though, so I need to be careful; when we do break up it will be quite tough. So I think I should be open to other people coming along. International was, I know, very unhappy about ‘sharing’ me with Academic; but I think that attitude unfair with Ouch on the scene.

By co-incidence today I’ve been chatting to a guy called Lee. Lee lives in Grimsby, which is far-far away, but we got on really well so I think we will definitely meet up at some point soon when he is able to come down to London. Being that he is a 28 year old fitness instructor, yes I think we really definitely will!

Also I was asked out by a student nurse of my acquaintance – he’s only 23 bless him, and insists, infuriatingly, on communicating solely in text speak - but if he wants to go for a drink with me then, well, why not?

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not about to jump into bed with any of them (then again I never intend to, do I ?) but I think it would not be good to close all the doors purely because of this situation with International.

Call them my lifeline. ‘In case of emergency’ dates. Insurance.

In other news Nick and I went to a rather fine wine tasting evening tonight which helped take the edge off. Being still poorly I wasn’t in the mood to get up to much with him but I had a good time and quite a shopping list too! Nick’s a sweetie.

This weekend I also tried to console a friend whose been close to me for more than half my life and whose nine year relationship is going through a really rough time just when they were ready to jet around the world. I’m very worried; and quite angry with my friend’s partner. Not sure how much help I am; the lesson it has illustrated for me is I never really go through anything that bad. I just need to… get over myself!

L'homme lisant

My body is like a temple: I occasionally let people in for acts of worship. Ho, ho, ho! Only joking; I’m a good girl, I am. Nevertheless tonight I had dinner with Nick (followed by a film) and drinks with International, and both were very pleasant indeed.

But here’s a thing, gentle reader: a thought.

Thinking deep thoughts is so rare for me that precedent passes from all memory - recently this blog has not been the hive of instrospection and self realisation you have become used to [hah]. But it may be back to the good old days because… something occurred to me. Something that in itself made me really stop and think.

International is an unavailable guy. He’s in a long term relationship, which nevertheless allows for extra-curricular activity and in no way is likely to end soon. Certainly not over me. And that is not what I would want – my penchant for honesty comes not from being lied to but from a genuine if not overly-restrictive desire not to cause discord or grief.

International is, in addition, an accomplished man; and achingly beautiful with it. So far out of my league it beggars belief. He has, though, some real self-esteem issues, which in part is why - whether rightly or wrongly - he’s carrying on with me.

And the sum total of that is exactly what I had with Darren. Darren wasn’t particularly accomplished of course, and International isn’t him – to compare them even superficially would be doing him a disservice.

What concerns me is that I may be repeating history, or even – God forbid – simply going through a long drawn out recovery from the events of March and April. I’m damned if this is all about getting over my first [only] proper boyfriend. I have been thinking about Darren quite a bit lately, mainly in terms of “what a/an [adjective]” but still for all that with occasional fondness.

As for International, our long weekend is imminent. And all of a sudden an attack of prudish angst about my body. He’s just so good it makes me feel really concerned about my frumpishness – and that is not helped by averaging 5 of 10 in QueerPersonals’ “Hot or Not?” competition (oddly getting either 8, 9 or 10 OR 1, 2, and 3 – never anything in-between). Yet is such things matter to me so much I should be cheered by a renewed stream of nominations to gaydar's "Sex Factor" too :-)

Thank goodness I have my first counselling session a week on Wednesday, though I remain somewhat dubious about it all. I don’t want to get into it and abandon it half-way through. Well, you and I can giggle over how silly it is afterward. If it is silly. I really don’t know...

Promiscuity and desire

As expected I spent much of this weekend in Banbury with Academic. I must confess I was not good company due to the journey being horrendous and my bank deciding to mess around with clearing my clients’ cheques.

Fortunately Academic was wise enough to give me some space over the weekend which was very sweet of him. I hope I made it up to him sufficiently; but if not I intend to treat – perhaps let him have that threesome he’s been pushing for. Well, he’s been such a good distraction he deserves a little extra ;-) However, I’m not sure when I can go there next as London demands most of my attention for the time being.

Regular readers might recall my weekend fling, at about the time I started seeing Gareth, with my near neighbour Nick. That fling fizzled out for various reasons but on Thursday Nick got in touch and asked to see me. He works in finance and has been having a tough time of if lately so I think he wanted a night of distraction – and that’s certainly what he got. This meant I had only two hours’ sleep between Thursday and Friday but it was worth it! I imagine Nick and I will be catching up again soon enough; possibly this weekend coming. Possibly before.

And then of course there’s International. It seems every thought of him keeps my red flag flying here. On Friday he and I met again in Soho, and things hotted up very nicely culminating in a tryst in the early hours just off Piccadilly Circus along a street that was not quite as deserted as I had originally hoped; al fresco once again. Hmm. Well, I get too excited to care and I suspect International is too excited by the possibility of getting caught. He’s back from New York on Wednesday and I’m on tenterhooks…

I revel in my three lovers and no boyfriends. This detox business has most assuredly put a spring in my step. International did confide in me his anxiety over my (in his view) greater experience; I think we can all agree, gentle reader, there is no basis for concern. I mean, the above notwithstanding, you don’t think I’m a slut do you gentle reader? Do you? I do know International would prefer to have me all to himself – as he is well aware that he does not. Much as I am consumed with passion for him and dream of us together in the night, something that burns twice as brightly burns twice as fast. And any night, be it never so full of desire fulfilled, must surely be followed by the next day.

In the meantime I have booked myself onto the Arse Class. Oh, yes gentle reader, on 18 October I shall be attending a workshop designed to teach us gayers about better/safer sex… I look forward to putting theory into practice; because practice makes perfect.

Good advice

It is time, gentle reader, to tell you about Nick.

I dislike drama and complexity in personal affairs; this I think comes from my family for whom discord was bread and strife butter. It also is one of the reasons – a minor one though – that I delayed coming out for so long. Because, Lord knows, being a gayer can be quite complex. For example:

Nick is a neighbour of mine – that is, he lives in the same apartment complex – and yet another man whom I met through OUT. We’ve known each other for a wee while now and he’s always made clear how much he Likes me, though nothing had happened. Until now that is...

Nick and I had a long boozy lunch in my flat on Sunday; we get on famously as we have similar personalities and share the same sense of humour. So after dinner we were going to sojourn to the sofa for more wine when my neighbour (quite unexpectedly) plants one on me. Because I’d had a lot to drink, and because I’m weak willed and stupid, I responded. And there was a lot of kissing on the sofa and one thing led to another and…

Afterward we watched a film together and talked and we’re going to have dinner again today and talk some more; and I plan to tell him about Gareth then too. I have to say that Sunday was really quite romantic – the way he seized the moment, the way we lay in bed talking for hours. He knows how to turn a boy's head and no mistake!

This is now a really tough situation for me because I still don’t have the smarts or emotional maturity to deal with it but the absolute last thing I want to do is hurt someone and I dimly perceive the risk of that here. So I’m not really sure what to do.

I’m not going to argue that there’s some way of having my cake and eating it; and I’m not naïve enough to think I can have two guys on the go at once. But I am still surprised when someone ‘likes’ me so find it really difficult to say no. After all, what if no-one ever likes me again? However much I like Gareth - and I really do - he insists that we’re not boyfriends and we’re still getting to know each other. But then I can hardly cling to something I was unhappy about as a get out of jail free card purely because it suits me now. On the other hand Nick really is just as nice as Gareth in many ways and on balance there is little to distinguish between them in the totty-stakes.

There was I trying hard to avoid comparisons with Mark; talk about frying pan/fire. But therein lies the rub gentle reader; I am going to have to choose. And stand by that choice. Be A Man Dammit!

This is an area where my new found ‘gay’ friendships have come to the fore; one friend in particular whom I contacted to seek his views has given me some good advice (if anyone else has any please feel free!) and our conversation went something like this:

Friend: You are terrible Muriel. At least you have two guys liking you. Before my boyfriend I was single for 5 years with no interest! Just don’t let them find out about each other!!

Mike: Yes I guess I'm very lucky though I bet you had some interest - you're too good looking not to! I guess I'm too used to guys going off me quickly to have thought about having two fellas. I do like Gareth but then I've just... oh, too much confusion!

F: Well do what your heart says is right... but don’t lead anyone on - if neither of them is expecting anything and you haven’t promised anything, well, you aren’t doing anything technically wrong.

M: This is the thing - I'm used to interest from guys being very short term and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone; there is the potential for hurt feelings and a strong chance I end up with no-one!

F: I think maybe you have to give Gareth a time frame and by then decide if you want to commit. My only concern is that if Gareth was really special, you wouldn’t involve yourself with anyone else. I appreciate you're flattered by the attention... but that might be something to think about?

M: It's funny because already I think Gareth is special and today's shenanigans haven't changed that. Hmmm.

F: Well if Gareth is on your mind… I think only you can decide what to do... but you might have a 'talk' with him before too long if you want him for keeps...

M: I think you're right - I should have a talk with him. Time to see where things are going! You're a wise man :-)

F: I wouldn’t say wise! I think, as horny as you are... maybe you need a man detox for a bit. Stick with Gareth and if you find you are good being with just him then stick with it. If not... spread your legs and get on with it till someone chases you and pins you down and says they want you to be theirs.

Memo to self: you are a dirty little cat.