Five

Can you believe it gentle reader? Five years since I started this blog. We’ve had some ups and downs in Strumpetville that’s for sure.

Fella and I have had our ups and downs, but believe it or not we’ll have been together for three years in May – more than half the time I’ve been posting. He unaccountably seems devoted to me despite getting to know me rather well.

I suppose determination pays off. As I’m well into my mid-thirties I suppose I came late to sexuality and was acutely aware of my window of opportunity – yes I know it’s really shallow but that seems to be the way it is out there. I think I made up in part for lost time and met a fair number of characters along the way.

I’ve been lucky – not too much hassle, heartache or horror to get to this point. Don’t get me wrong, if I had my time again I’d be out a lot sooner – but then I’d need my experiences and the validation I’ve had to do it, so maybe not… Fella and I have been good to each other, careers are doing well, fabulous friends and even close families. I’ve even lost a little weight…

Now, five years down the line it is time to acknowledge the importance of taking that next big step.

Yes, it’s time to grow up. *sigh*

By trimming the excesses of my social life my health has improved to the point that today I was discharged from my hospital consultant’s care; I really need to keep at it and accept I’m getting a bit too fat and old to go out boozing like I used to. Career’s too need work, rather than blundering along with a pinch of talent and a teaspoon of luck… and the same is true of relationships, friendships and money…

Work work work. Oh dear.  All work and no play makes Cheerful a dull Fairy. Yes, there has to be the social side and that could use some effort too; but at least that will be fun.

So here it is then: five years, five promises to myself.

1.       I will keep working to achieve my target weight and now give up in the face of minor setbacks.

2.       I will let go of worrying about petty details and small things.

3.       I will stick to my savings goals.

4.       I will set about getting a new job.

5.       I will focus on continuing to grow a well-rounded human being.  

Just in time for spring J

Now to celebrate with a glass of wine

Anniversary

This is all written in the future tense as I am late publishing... hope it still makes sense!

Who would have thought it? Two years for me and Fella. Halfway to our civil partnership, in fact.


Well, on Sunday to be fair. To celebrate I have decided we will spend much of the afternoon on the Southbank – along the queen’s walk, attending a food fair, going to a photography exhibit, cocktails at Skylon, and then dinner on the Strand.

As a gift I bought Fella an antique cigarette box, and a fancy Zippo lighter (yes, he is an occasional smoker!). We’re not spending too much money this month as it has been an expensive month, what with the holiday and all.

The day itself will be quite light on activities because we will be attending a Eurovision party on the Saturday night before, and I want to allow for the possibility of overindulgence, plus I am sure we will want to enjoy the day in other ways.

Looking back over the last two years we have had quite a time. Living together, engaged, owning a car, visiting each other’s families. That’s quite a lot, especially compared to my dating days.

Of course we have had our ups and downs, and no doubt will continue to work through various issues, it has occurred to me how relatively smooth things have been for us. Still, it takes a lot of work – as it should – and not least because we hardly have any time, between the work, the studying, his career development and second job etc. One of our big struggles is to find time for each other.

...hence the plan for Sunday.

I suppose it’s positive that we complement each other so well in that we have different strengths and interests, although slowly they are merging. It reminds me a bit of my grandparents who after nearly 65 years of marriage have so refined their roles that each is entirely dependent on the other. One memory in two heads.

To be sure, there is plenty about us both that irritates the other. As it’s my blog, I’ll confine myself to things that irritate me about him (!): his slow driving; his inability to do any kind of DIY; the way he cries at any film. Well, that’s actually quite endearing. But don’t tell him I said so... Then there’s all the positives; he is beautiful, and kind, and generous, and a nice person.

Two years. There was a time when I never thought I would ever be in a LTR; but here we are. I’m quite proud overall. Of myself, and him, and us!

And we had a lovely time :-)

Up, up and away

The up side to being in a relationship are fairly obvious. At its core there is the sharing. Chores, finances, bodies, fears... it helps get through the trials of life. I have great friends whom I adore and really don’t deserve; but when in a decent, loving relationship there is someone to talk to 24 hours a day, whether it be the most inane pet hates or ranting about a difficult day at work or... the most private and difficult thing.

If I didn’t have someone to come home to I think my life would be a lot worse. For an introverted science-type who lived alone since graduation that’s a hell of a thing. Good old Rule 14 is there for a reason – meeting guys, exploring my sexuality, especially the sexual side, was a lot of fun but sooner or later having no-one really there was... aging. Body and soul. And heart.

The downsides don’t really compare of course; I mean the only real downside to being in a relationship with the Cheerful Fairy is that Frumpella comes along for the ride!

I think it is important to consider the downsides all the same; otherwise I worry they assume in importance they don’t deserve and begin to take over my day to day feelings.

So what is there?

We have to guard against dullness, slipping into a rut/routine. It’s not really a downside that it takes effort to make it work; if it were, then we’d really be in trouble. But we need to also make the effort to be outward facing, keep up with our friends.

One potential downside is that we don’t have the freedom to socialise as if we were single; everything is in consultation. Can’t just stay out all night any more!

Another, though I’m not sure it’s really a downside, is the need to take the other half into account when planning for life in the round. Before Fella and I got together I could indulge in retail therapy to my heart’s content. Now, well it’s the wedding saving, being careful with money. Being sensible. I’ve worked for four organisations since I graduated; and only with my current role have I moved from one job with another to go to. Can’t afford that kind of whimsy in Strumpetville these days.

It’s difficult to find specific and terrible downsides to being with someone. The real issue is the need to be a bit more sensible and grown up [shudder]. Cardigans, wills and pensions, oh my. I’ve never really convinced myself that I’m much over 18; though I dimly realise I can’t really continue to act like I am half my age...

Yes, it is time to settle down. I suppose I started this blog precisely because that was the path I had set for myself. Being in a relationship is a tremendous up (when it’s the right one), and if there are a lot of downsides, then... well, gentle reader, it’s not the right relationship, or the right time to be in one.

Being Together

What is it, this being together? For an angst ridden yet cheerful fairy like my good self it is a pertinent question. Right now my man is smoking a cigarette. Our TV service is paused awaiting his return – so he can finish making my dinner, to be fair – and I am stretched out on my sofa, laptop on top of lap, drafting this post.


We have spent most of the day, he and I, in separate rooms because we’re both doing job applications. There are worse reasons to be in separate rooms of course... me and Fella recently were in Separate Rooms over his totally unreasonable bed hogging about which I am entirely blameless of course ;-)

Togetherness has of course has a more long-term connotation; as you have read this blog for a while gentle reader, you will know togetherness is the very bedrock of my sexuality. Either fleeting or, more recently, permanent. But... yes, as always that angsty but... how forever is forever?

At some point, diet and exercise notwithstanding, time will slip out of my tired hands e’re everlong I hold onto Fella’s... and as my damned soul slips off to Hell (for 97 reasons of which being gay is not even in the top 10 – in your face Pope) it will slip off alone. Fella will not be with me in that tunnel of light.

So what then? Better to be alone and await the endless sponge baths from that hot male nurse? Better to live life with your love, I think. Not quite for the moment. We are on the path of marriage and all that entails (I may even be sensible and make a will, take out life-insurance oh yes!).

But then there’s being together. I mean, what’s it about? It’s difficult to maintain the right balance of together and apart; not suffocating each other with demands for attention, and not being so distant that we have completely separate lives. One of the nice things about living together is that we aren’t confined to a timetable – we can be together or apart when we like. For the rest of our lives I think there’s still a lot of learning to do, about what being together and the right balance of intimacy and independence really are. We could be looking at 60 years, with or without the sponge baths.

Perhaps being together is developing those rituals and shared routines that mark out two lives increasingly lived as one; knowing the value of the moments we spend together so that working in separate rooms, me studying in the evenings or having to work late aren’t causing any grief. Either way I think we’re getting there. I can almost feel our relationship maturing and I’m learning to take the rough edge off all my worries. Whatever it means, I’m not sure I can define “being together” easily or exactly. But I look forward ot keeping on learning; and learning how best to keep him happy. After all, if together is on one side of the equation surely the other has to be happiness, no?

Resolutions

Well it's that time of year gentle reader. A New Year in fact. So time for some resolutions.

Where to begin? Well, there's plenty that needs improving! But there is in all things the art of the possible... so where to begin?

1) Health. I've had the damn gym membership for six month - and people have complemented me on the use of it, but I need to do it more regularly. Because I was ill for such a long time my weight went up and down quite a lot and I am, now I can actually digest what I eat, pushing the boundaries of overweight. So, my stomach having more farewell tours than Cher... but back on the diet again. Hey, I'm still 22 lbs below my maximum weight in 2008...

2) Appearance. I'm 34 - I can't get away with wearing just anything any more. Plus I'm well paid, and (1) notwithstanding I'm not some freakish homunculus shambling along frightening small animals and children. I should pay more attention to what I choose to wear. Fella is very good at clothes; I never have been though I don't dress badly. Plus, what the hey, I am gay - so I can enjoy pampering myself and making the best of what I am blessed with. Manicures, facials and exfoliated oh my!

3) Money. I've made quite a good start on saving, but it is likely I will be made redundant in April 2012. And that means yet another call on my money, in terms of saving more. Well, as (1) means less booze there's a saving there... though (2) might negate that. Anyway, in general frugality will be the watchword for 2011.

4) Studying - one term down, and so far so good. But a research degree isn't taught so much as studied and my innate laziness and talent for procrastination will no doubt mean all-nighters and last minute panic if I'm not careful. As my experience with my first essay taught me... This of course means being more disciplined; and that sadly means forcing myself not so spend time with Fella :-(

Yes, living together can have that down side - if we were apart then we would spend time apart. Fortunately Fella is not a morning person so getting up early on the weekends covers most of my needs. Still, ruthlessness and a good alarm clock are the way forward!

5) Working. It's time to look at my career options, what with April 2012 looming. Get serious, cheerful fairy! I must, must, think about the gaps in my CV and opportunities I want to explore to make me the bestest of the bestest fairy. I've done a lot in my current role, but the main problems are solved, things are running smoothly enough that bureaucracy is my biggest problem... and I'd rather not coast over the finish line.

So where does this take me? I suspect I come across as some wannabe narcissistic superman - but no. I don't want to let myself down, or anyone else. There's my Fella to look after, and the wedding the plan for. I want stuff too of course, but my self-esteem is bound up more in what other people see in me than perhaps it ought - and my self confidence needs boosts like the above! So, justification done, resolutions done, happy New Year. Here goes!

In-Laws

The in-laws are an unusual bunch. I suppose anyone’s in-laws will be unusual to them; it is, after all, another family – part of the package when you are planning to be marriaged to your significant other.


One of the things that strikes me about having in-laws (or soon to be in-laws) is the ordinariness of it. It never occurred to me that coming out I would end up having a normal life. Indeed, one of the things holding me back was the – entirely baseless – fear of losing that option. And part of coming out was recognising that, firstly, it was possible and secondly an ordinary life wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be anyway.

So things have come full circle and now it’s time to concern myself less with fashion and fitness and blowjobs, and more with marriage, mortgages and... in-laws.

We spent Christmas with them, as we did last year. Fella’s parents had recently moved from the house where he had lived with them to a new place that they’re still settling into. We travelled up on Christmas eve and came back on 27th. Three days... all dictated by the train timetable. Next year we ARE getting a car! Fortunately this year we were allowed to share a room so that’s certainly progress. All in all it was nice to get away and relax for a bit; nice to get cooked for, nice to get some loot!

Fella’s mother is very religious, which can be awkward... but as she suffers from MS can also be problematic logistically. She’s fiercely intelligent and adores Fella, and fortunately she and I get on vey well, so I’m more concerned about her health than her religion. Fella’s father is a world-class grouch, and he turned 65 over the Christmas break so was more cantankerous than usual. Again, we get on rather well though I secretly think him very hard on Fella. Still, since we’ve been together Fella’s relationship with his dad has improved markedly so that is a benefit.

Well, we survived, and we’re back home preparing for a quiet New Year at home. I hope the above doesn’t read with too much bad grace. Having in-laws is quite an unexpected side-effect of my relationship. It’s quite pleasant actually, and as always I do realise I’m lucky (honest, gentle reader) and we’re lucky, in that we have families that accept us and that we can do something as mundane as schlep up to visit them at Christmas time. Most years.

I hope you had a great Christmas gentle reader; and a Happy New Year!

Masters and Slaves

Five weeks ago I started my masters degree, and so far so good. As a research degree I don’t have that many classes; two lectures and two seminars per week. They certainly believe in throwing people in at the deep end! I only now realise how much work is involved. For the seminars I have to do a load of reading because students need to present on and take part in discussion about their reading. It’s actually a very clever way of making sure that we do the work!

The next thing is to start on my essays. I have two due in December, but with careful planning I should be OK – I’ve taken leave from work and (a huge advance since I was an undergraduate) most of the learning resources, books etc are online; it saves on time consuming trips to the library. All in all I enjoy it and am learning a lot, and I’m glad of the support the university helpfully provides.

Being a research degree, one thing I must do is my dissertation – and that means identifying a topic. I’m not quite sure what to research yet; that’s quite understandable given I’m five weeks into a two year course. But, one initial idea I am taken with is combining my work in healthcare strategy with my interest in sexuality. Say, exploring heterosexism in the commissioning of health and social care.

One thing I do know already is the importance of reflexivity in research. That means reviewing my research and my research proposal continually, as my data and findings should lead me to refine my area of enquiry. And part of that means keeping a research journal.

That led me to consider this: instead of having a private journal I wondered if I should perhaps keep my journal as another blog. I don’t know if it’s appropriate when conducting research – perhaps you will have some insight into that, gentle reader?

I know what you’re thinking – two blogs? No-one, not even in Strumpetville, can live at that speed! But it would be time limited to the period of my dissertation; while this blog continues indefinitely. And as I’d have to write a journal anyway, on or offline makes no difference.

It’s just an idea at the moment, but I’m taken with it. Unless I discover it’s a total no-no in the field of academic research then I intend to start it as soon as I begin to seriously think of my topic and research design.

As for this blog – new look, new determination to post at least weekly. So plenty to read about, I hope.

Keeping it going...

At the beginning of October I started my masters degree course. It is actually very interesting and absorbing, and in many ways I’m only just beginning to realise how much work is involved in the course. It’s each Monday and Wednesday evening after work; and involves lectures and seminars – and of course there’s the background reading, studying, essay writing and project work that supports passing the course. I’m determined to get much more than a pass though, so I really have my work cut out.

It means being somewhat ruthless with my working hours though I’ve settled into my role well enough that the immediate problems have been solved and I can concentrate on the cultural changes I feel are needed to move away from drama and toward Getting Things Done. It’s not easy given the background of transforming the service into a completely different set of institutions, which is certainly keeping everyone on their toes! Things remain very busy.

Obviously between work and study there is the need to Live Live Liiiive!! Fella and I have a busy social life and are usually out with friends once or twice a week. Last weekend we saw Pam Ann at the Vaudeville Theatre (hilarious), had dinner with friends in the week and yesterday we celebrated Fella’s mother’s 62nd birthday, went to the Museum of London, and the national gallery.

Finally, there is the need to keep Hogzilla at bay. I suppose all this frenetic activity should be keeping me trim and I’m certainly not putting on weight but being enfianced to a world class cook; and not being a stickler when it comes to the grape and the grain means I need to keep up with my regime of running (Tuesdays and Thursdays after work) the gym (three times a week before work) and swimming (weekends).

Am I writing this post to boast, gentle reader? No – the fact the cheerful fairy is a much beloved tower of rippling gorgeousness supporting a brain the size of a planet should not have escaped anyone by now *ahem*!

The one thing you won’t have spotted in all of this is talk of my relationship. Perhaps you were relieved to have got this far without yet another angst ridden attempt to dissect my love with inexpert tools. Well, fear not – I don’t propose to do that here.

Relationships obviously need work to keep going – and I know (just) enough to realise that isn’t easy even if there weren’t so many calls on my time. To keep this going Fella and I are doing two things – firstly, making sure we have Us time; at least one quiet night in a week where we can enjoy doing nothing, together. And also making sure we go out and do things, together. Next Saturday we’re reserving just for quality time, activities to be decided.

The second thing is of course Fella’s time. I am keen for him to take up something for the time when I’m not around. He does his yoga, for example [hurrah] and that’s a start. I’d like him to take up an evening course; he was considering learning German for example. I know when I’m alone at home without him it can feel very lonely in this flat – it’s very much our home and on my own it feels different.

That written, I do want him to enjoy some quiet time, and relax at home as he sees fit when I’m not around (just as I like to do from time to time – I’m still an introvert!). I don’t want him to resent my busyness or slip into a routine where his life revolves around my schedule; that wouldn’t be fair.

We’re holding the line pretty well right now I think. Of course we’re only a few weeks into a two year course and who knows where our respective careers and interests might lead us? Any tips would be most welcome when it comes to balancing the needs of a relationship with the all of the wider world...

Anniversary Part 2

This is the story of a Fairy named Frumpella, who lived in the magical land of Strumpetville, and who had been with his wonderful man for exactly one year...

Yes, that is how anniversaries are supposed to be, and dangnamit gentle reader I will not be denied! After all the... unpleasantness... of our weekend we agreed to try, try, try again to have the anniversary that we deserve on the Monday we had handily, presciently even, booked off to celebrate our anniversary.

First things first – the presents. You will recall me getting in a bit of a state trying to find exactly the right presents for my man. Well, what I settled on was: a new very swish MP3 player; a £25 iTunes gift card; and a spa day for him and me with facials and massages and all that jazz. You can see the wrapping paper I used, and the card that really captured my mood, in the picture below:

From my Fella I got a complete Yes Minister/Yes Prime Minister; and a picture I've always admired called Polar Sunrise. The image is a photograph that was taken in 2008 and has always arrested me whenever I saw it. When on a recent trip to the Natural History Museum, I happened to see a print of it on sale in the gift shop: fella must have noted my rapture. So he done good. His third gift to me was a wine tasting tour of a vineyard at Bolney, in Sussex. What is remarkable about this is how pink minds think alike; I was giving serious thought to booking a wine tasting event for him instead going for the spa day. Phew!

The Spa-day was booked for that very Monday so out we went after the exchange of gifts to the Park Lane Hilton to get spruced up. The treatments worked and for the rest of the day at least we looked as young and lovely as we felt (even though Fella always looks young and lovely, goshdarn). But that was not the end of it, no not at all.

After Dunpamperin we moved on to a pub I particularly like in the City, called The Fox and Anchor and after that we went to a restaurant near Sptialfields Market called Larder. I have to say, Larder was absolutely fabulous. Simple food but expertly done. I very strongly recommend it; and particularly the organic bread they have which we couldn't get enough of and a loaf of which turned out to be a gift from the staff on the occasion of our magnificence.

And so we went home, to enjoy the last of what was a perfect day for him and me – for us together – and one last gift, the planting of a seed if you will. In the Fox and Anchor, you see, we decided it was time to think about moving in together.

Your move...

As you may know Britain has been in the grip of a mini ice age, a veritable climate catastrophe that had brought this erstwhile other Eden unto the very brink of disaster.

Also known as snow.

The thing about Britain – one of the many things that is – is that the infrastructure is crap. Thus the snow caused all transport to grind to a halt. The net result of that has been that Fella and I have spent virtually every day together again. In fact he only went home today – thus allowing me to keep you informed, gentle reader.

We’ll be celebrating nine months together at the end of next week, and, at the risk of jinxing things, things continue to go well. Not perfect – why should they be? But… well. Of course I love him to bits and the hypothetical of losing him genuinely frightens me. So it’s difficult, having spent so much time literally within a couple of feet of each other, to avoid smothering each other with love AND equally to avoid smothering each other with a pillow.

I think it shows how well we are suited that being in the same room 24/7 has resulted in no consequences whatever.

It should be borne in mind that the backdrop to this is an insanely busy return to work [as an aside I should acknowledge I often complain about being busy at work but this is something else]. I have been given a project that comes to fruition next week; next Thursday between 9am and 2pm 144 people representing 49 different organisations will come together to undertake an exercise that will ensure the fulfilment of 106 separate statutory functions. I’ve been up at 5:00 and been working till 22:00. Fella deserves a prize for his forbearance and I surely have earned my extra £54 per month (net).

Under these circumstances it is perhaps not surprising we have begun to tentatively discuss moving in together. And our decision is, perhaps quite surprisingly, that we’re not quite ready.

We both need our own space and even if we were to live together Fella is insistent of a two bedroom’d place (I think a two roomed place would fit the bill, but there we are) so we could be together but be apart. This is the key, you see – when we are together we must be together. It’s great, but after nine days together we just miught not want to watch the same thing, eat the same thing, sleep at the same time.

So when Fella moves to London things will be easier because we’ll be within a reasonable distance of each other and we can. Frankly, just piss off when we need to. And then piss back. Snow notwithstanding, of course.

There we have it then. This is working. My mood swings and the sky falling in haven’t driven us off track, even. And now I must spend a week without him… Boo!

Party Season

So another weekend over! It was fun, actually. Friday I had my work Christmas party, followed by drinks with Fella and his colleagues at the Royal College where he works. On Saturday he went ice-skating with his friends; and then we met and went for dinner in Soho, which became after dinner drinks; and that in turn became dancing the night away at a club. It really was fun.

The down side was I couldn’t make Sunday Fella’s day as I had planned, because we slept in and he needed to go home in the afternoon. Goshdarn.

Still, we have next week and the week after before we stay with his parents for Christmas. Next week I have “Mary Christmas” drinks in Soho with friend ‘A’ and he wide circle of gay friends. That night Fella is working at the Church so he may combine naughty with nice and join me. Then Friday I have another work lunch and my manager’s leaving do. And on Saturday a house party. Presumably on Sunday Fella and I will spend some time together but I do find that when we have a lot of social engagements – even joint ones – our quality time suffers. That will be something to think about in 2010.

I’m lucky I get paid before Christmas or I’d really find myself chronically pooped in a financial sense. After all, Fella’s long (and growing) list of Christmas presents, my own extensive gifts to myself the party season is a bit of a burden. Still, Strumpetville is a paryt town gentle reader so I see no desperate need to hold back.

Dancing the night away… I love doing it. And it had been a short while. Fella and I complement each other well enough in that he knows the best places to go, and I know how to enjoy myself once we are there! Oh yes, a bit more of that next year if you please.

I have begun to think about the New Year and what might be done – achieved rather – in the coming12 months and the truth is I’m looking forward to it in a rather different way than the last two years. And, as you may have gathered from the last few zillion posts or so, Fella is a big part of that. Party season – soon to be over; or just beginning?

Six months

It’s about 3:45am GMT on 16 November 2009, as I’m sitting here typing this on my laptop in the dark, bit of cheesy pop on the headphones. Fella is asleep, snoring quite loudly, bless ‘im, but I can’t sleep because I’ve been kept awake by my illness. My, as yet diagnosed, condition keeps me awake some nights as I go through peaks and troughs. Been in a bit of a trough recently, which is a shame. On the plus side the weight’s been dropping off me [nervous laughter] so it’s not all bad. This is due to my recent aversion to anything alcoholic or chocolate, and my nascent fondness for light salads and early nights.

What the hell kind of illness does that to a young gayer about town, eh? It’s like some kind of anti-vampirism. But it still sucks, haha!

Nevertheless there was the chance to quaff some fizzy stuff and partake in a delicious meal cooked by Fella last night as it was our six-month anniversary*

Yes, indeed; six months. I think that puts him pretty much in the lead in terms of sheer sticktoitiveness, ahead of all the other boyfriends and boyfriendettes on the scene since I started this blog.

And let us not forget, gentle reader, that this is merely the beginning. I am spending Christmas with him at his parents (eek) and our eight month anniversary coincides with the annual ball at the Royal College where Fella works.

In addition the visit to my mother has been booked and sorted; she apparently is perfectly happy for us to visit and proclaims herself to be never so open-minded. I suspect a wee bird has tweeted in her ear about not being quite so… her. But so far so good. Fella is very excited; he is convinced we shall be flying into a winter wonderland of lederhosen and girls in pigtails. As we’re going from 3rd to 6th December, I suppose you never can tell. As not the world’s best flyer I hope the snow holds off to a certain extent!

So soon it will be time to think of Christmas presents for my gorgeous guy, and planning for his anticipated move back to London in the New Year – we both agree we’re not ready to move in yet, not by a long way. It’s funny how relationships develop; mutual friendships, mutual plans. Though that is a subject for another post; in the meantime it’s 4:11 and I wonder if snuggles might help me sleep for a little while.

*strictly speaking it should be sixth mensiversary or half-anniversary or something but that’s a bit clunky and you know what I mean when I mangle English in this way, n’est pas?

Mirror

Conversation regarding baby photos:

Fella: “you’re not allowed to see the ones where I’m drooling and looking dopey”.
Mike: “well, to be fair I see THAT first thing every morning”.

Fella sulks. Cheerful fairy congratulates himself on wit. Diverse alarums…

I have heard it said, Gentle reader, that art holds a mirror up to life. And if so the two films Fella and I saw this week reflected a lot back to me.

The first was Away We Go. One of my favourite films ever is Happy-go-Lucky, and Away We Go is in a similar vein. However, it’s much more of a laugh-out-loud comedy and brilliantly acted. In it the main characters go on a journey and meet various friends and family members. Each relationship they encounter is flawed in its own way but as the couple struggle to come to terms what might become with them they, perhaps, realise they need to make their own paradigm that celebrates and encompasses their flaws…



Well, I hardly need Freud to point out the parallels between this and my posts here on this blog. It touched me in many ways and I loved it. Hooray for the Haymarket and Orange Wednesdays!

On Sunday we saw Up. A new Pixar animated adventure that, in all honesty, Fella and I had waited to see for an absolute age! And so, there I was, in a room full of four year olds, with tears running down my face. Gosh-darn. That’s no way for a cheerful fairy to behave!



You see, at the beginning a couple meet, fall in love, grow old and eventually die. Ordinary people, whose lives were touched by ordinary tragedies and yet never lost their sense of adventure. Very beautiful; and obviously very touching. So why did I cry? Well, two main reasons.

The old couple reminded me very much of my (maternal) grandparents. The finest people I ever met; now in the winter of their lives, they are universally loved, raising four fin children under fascism and then communism and still somehow being good people. I love them to most in all the world; we don’t even speak the same language! Yet I don’t know how I will bear their loss when, in perhaps 10 – or more – years time (well, their 85 or so, and it’s been 70 years of beer, cigarettes and lard… you do the maths…) when they are gone. They’ll never know, of course, but it’s respect for them and the family they built that gave me the strength to come out to my family at all. Better late then never, I suppose!

But also, I saw the potential to be like them and have that “forever”. Soppy old fairy that I am. But, well, you know… when you fall in love with someone it’s an adventure all its own and, really, do you want to have every adventure all by yourself? Things aren’t just mirrored in glass after all.

Monogamy

Fella and I are monogamous. It seems odd posting what must have appeared to be a given, but nevertheless; it is so.

The real reason is that he insisted on it from the outset. His Rule. And very sensible he was too. However, I’ve always said I don’t mind open or monogamous – I don’t equate sex with love. I need honesty.

This is the only monogamous relationship I’ve been in. OK; I’ve only had three ‘proper’ boyfriends amongst a series of boyfriendettes, regular gentlemen callers and the casual assignation. I never slept with anyone else for the sixth months I was with Darren before being so spectacularly binned but, as with so much in that relationship, I put that down to my own naïveté. As International has other boyfriends I carried on sleeping around with abandon – not reckless, but still…

And then, somewhat unexpectedly and rather unintentionally I stumbled across Fella. What marvellous luck; I rarely do so well in matters of chance!

Apart from a bit of bank holiday fun – which Fella knows about and is fine with because it was between our first and second dates, before we started our relationship proper – I haven’t slept with anyone since I met him. Nevertheless, because Fella has tended to go for relationships while I have tried, but failed to do the same… I’ve slept with many, many times as many partners as he. Fella’s fine with it. International, if memory serves, was always insanely jealous of my past.

Fortunately, whether it makes me seem base or no, our sex life is great. As with so much in our relationship it took work. Ironically I never felt a one night stand (or equivalent) leads to the best in sex. Still pretty good; but relationships are better. You will recall, gentle reader, that Fella and I recent went through a crisis. How better to make up than assign an… activity to each card in a deck (each house representing a certain type of activity) and inviting him, at various points over the weekend, to pick three cards at random?

Fella is probably the best fantasy I’ve ever had. And that’s a new thing for me; to put my current partner as the locus of desire (or lust or whatever you want to call it).

Monogamy isn’t therefore a challenge for me. I’m glad of that. After this most recent challenge to our relationship I am at least certain he’s the one I want; and I’m confident my trust in him is not misplaced. This kind of relationship is exactly is exactly what I want. Most of this post describes the bonus material on this DVD of love [bleurgh]. But I really wouldn’t have it any other way.

Reportage

Ah that was the weekend that was, gentle reader. Fortunately it went off exactly – if not better than – planned. He loved all of his presents. He rather liked the pork with caramelised apples (such apples!) that I made as his birthday dinner *phew*. He is quite the gourmet, but now it seems kitchen duties will be more equally shared so I suppose in a sense that back-fired… and, thankfully, he’s over the moon about Paris.

I think that the best thing of all was the spread put on by his friends for his surprise party. It was themed as a third birthday party with pass the parcel and musical statues and lots of sweets and lemonade and jelly. With a little something thrown in…

Tremendous fun… though dragging Fella home on Sunday night in his drunken/affectionate state, with a stream of balloons emblazoned with the legend “birthday princess” was not my idea of a good time!

The most important things is of course that he loved his birthday. But, for the purposes of this blog, I am quite pleased about the weekend for a number of reasons.


Firstly, I sat down properly with Fella’s mother and got to know her a bit better over lunch on Saturday. Of Fella’s family she’s been the least accepting of his sexuality; but they are very close so it is good that she and I got on.

As well of this Fella’s friends do seem to like me, both in absolute terms and relative to his ex. A number of them are now my Facebook friends; the more the merrier… but it is important to him that they like me and they are very close. *Phew* again.

Finally, we had a bit of a heart to heart on Sunday night and it seems for all the ups and downs our relationship is on pretty solid ground. I’m a fool to worry sometimes, I really am, but I’m amazed by how I feel about him and the birthday weekend was just designed to show it in some way.

Because our social circles are beginning to integrate we have a lot of engagements ahead of us. Tomorrow and Wednesday we’re going out, first with my colleagues and then with his. We’ll be reciprocating the efforts of the hosts and organisers of Fella’s party by having them over here. And around the same time a dinner party with ‘A’ and ‘F’ and others. And a couple of work functions in the meantime. He’s even invited me to spend Christmas with him.

Lots to talk about :-)

Constellation

I wrote a while ago – before I met my favourite guy - about a five pointed star:

• Career and business
• Health
• Friends (and family)
• Sex and sexuality
• Love and relationships

And now that fifth point has become a second star, in the form of my relationship with Fella.

I thought perhaps thinking about my relationship as a star in its own right would help me pick the main areas I need to concentrate on. I do find – worry, even – that one needs to be good at a whole range of things in order to keep things going. It’s a two way street of course; Fella has and does put in his fair share. But you need to develop these skills over time and with practice so I am somewhat backward in these respects. It’s a pity I didn’t feel free enough to admit to myself who I am when I was younger. But then I can hardly complain of the paradise on whose beach the tides of reticence have fetched me up!

A fellow blogger wrote about making a relationship work; that was my primer. I’ve never really worked on whatever relationship I was in before. I’ve worried about it, had good times and bad… and totally fucked things up of course. But I know none of those guys were right for me and now it seems we have one who… fits. All my friends say we make a fantastic couple; and can barely believe (as can I) that it’s not yet quite four months.

So, how do we do this, gentle reader?

1. Being stress free. I want to ensure when he’s with me it’s a refuge; somewhere where he can always relax, have fun and have a good time. Tough, because I’m not as low-maintenance as I hope!

2. Being supportive. Helping him achieve the things he wants to achieve. I do mean also being honest; if he’s wrong them perhaps trying to help him find the right way? It does occur that sycophantically agreeing with everything he says would make things easier but not longer lasting. It’s a delicate balancing act.

3. Being the best I can be: I like being able to take care of him and be there for him. But I also want him to always feel that…well, he can’t do better! And that of course takes work. Dedication in its own right, and again something difficult to balance correctly.

4. To remember how much I love him when he is around, not just when he isn’t. Oh yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder…but I fail to appreciate the experiences we have, even the mundane, as muc has I should and that does him a disservice.

5. To learn from not regret experience. Back to them good ol’ rules!

I am struck by the idea I may have let pass so many opportunities and perhaps that is the function of this tiny cog in the great Universal machine. But I am yet determined not to let this opportunity pass me by and whatever happens I dimly perceive it is one of the anchors of my life. One of my Great Loves. Perhaps my only, to be sure. How very marvellous and interesting indeed.

Speed dating

Following some recent good advice – and proving the value of posting this blog – I tried to talk to Fella last night about various things. Feelings and that. I wanted to let him know he’s my number one priority but that life being the thing what it is, I had a number of pressures that prevented me being the perfect boyfriend. Not by much of course. Just a wee dram shy.

In truth he still confuses me sometimes. The reverse psychology of his ignoring my pursuit; but challenging me when I ignore him persists still. But we make progress nonetheless. So it somewhat threw/surprised/pleased/???’d me when, after setting out my feelings, and convinced he had ignored me in favour of the TV, he began to talk about us moving in together.

Not very soon; in the next couple of years, say. He made it quite clear that my and him and The Gardener will not a happy home make. So it would have to be very much our place.

It doesn’t seem ridiculously early to be talking about moving in together. It is, after all, rather hypothetical. We surely wouldn’t be buying somewhere together so the risks are not huge [are they?]. It does, however, occur to me that when we talk about moving in together we have to talk about money and career aspirations and personal tastes. And all manner of things that may cause tensions. It assumes we know each other as well as perhaps we don’t. It, in short, stretches Trust.

So many ideas run through my head when I think about moving in with Fella. We certainly would need room. A place where we could be apart from each other from time to time lest things get to a head. Introverted and cerebral as we both are, close quarters would do more harm then good after a while. To be honest, three or fours nights a week is quite enough for me for now. I really do like a bit of quiet time from time to time!!

But also I think about what kind of place we would both like. And where it would be both convenient for work and for his family, to whom he is close, to visit. I really am, secretly, taken with the idea. And if we’re talking a couple of years then… well, gentle reader, why not?

The 'L' word

I’ve given Fella the night off. It seems only fair that we both take a little rest; we spent Friday night through to Tuesday morning together after all. And as I explained before, Tuesday nights are my night!

Since Saturday I’d been a tad miffed with my Fella because much of the long weekend has been taken up with preparing for, attending, and a follow up visit to his best friend’s birthday. Nothing major; just that for this event we were treated to an exquisitely timed three day operation set out with military precision. Yet I can barely make it to work on time when he stays over because he is not, to put it mildly, a morning person. In fact these days I’ll get up an hour or two before him and get some work under my belt before making him the obligatory mug of tea in bed.

Anyway: one of the biggest learning points about what I increasingly consider my first proper relationship, is that it rarely pans out in the gloriously earth-shatteringly romantic way one might hope. And so it goes with the ‘L’ word.

So, after leaving his friend’s birthday – all his friends are lovely, and I had a great time to be sure – we ended up bickering and he accused me of not enjoying spending time with him; and I responded by saying I adore spending time with him, because I love him. And, to cut a long story short, he said he loves me too.

How typically me! It wasn’t said in a restaurant, or in bed, or with flowers. No; on a street corner in Greenwich in the dead of night…

And there we have it. I resisted saying it for quite some time; and I am not sure how I feel about saying it then and there. Nevertheless, it is done and I gone done it. The learning point for today’s post is, I suppose, reality trumps romantic dreams. And there will be plenty of opportunities, fingers crossed, to show I mean it as well as say it in many much nicer ways.

Not the least of which are the tickets to Paris – I’m going for Thursday morning to Saturday night and I’ve found a nice gay friendly complex of studio apartments. The trip is one of four presents; four because his birthday coincides with our four month ‘anniversary’. But I can post about those another time.

I’m still anxious and inexperienced and unsure and worried but happy and tentatively optimistic and… me. And now we have a new word for our lexicon, gentle reader. And it begins with ‘L’.

Names and Places

It’s another glorious weekend in Strumpetville; the sun is shining and all is well.

Fella and I met on Friday after work and headed back to my place for the usual snatched weekend together. He’s attending a colleague’s child’s naming ceremony today so this afternoon I have a little time to myself to post on this blog.

This morning I found Fella to be insanely beautiful. Watching him prepare for the ceremony I was enraptured. I found myself wondering why he’s with me. Not in a “I’m not good enough for him” sort of a way… far from it. He can be quite complimentary when he wants to be! And he’s really very giving. Apart from a recent hiccup I marvel about how close we are becoming.

In many ways the way our relationship has developed is much better than the expected love-at-first-sight perfection from the word ‘go’ that is too often expected in the dating game. I am satisfied in more ways than one; and in more ways than one we still have a lot of growing to do.

I find myself thinking about my role in this relationship. He’s the pretty one, the creative and outgoing one. He isn’t career focussed or competitive but he is talented and good. And he deserves so much. It’s funny, but I perceive a more traditional masculine/feminine relationship between me and him that, on first principles, I would argue is entirely unnecessary within gay couples – no need to stick to clichés etc. Yet for the two of us my part in the relationship seems to be the provider; the one to whom the physical labour falls – building things and fixing things and growing things. He’s te cook, the nurse, the communicator. Of course it only goes so far – we’re both men after all (and how – hubba hubba!).

Rather than making me uncomfortable I think it’s a source of inspiration. I always want to be better than what I am and for him – to keep him if you will – I need to be fitter, healthier and more productive. I have to work on my career much more, really going for the next rung on the ladder.

In any other guise it might be called building a life together and in many ways it’s so much more comforting than being TOLD sweet nothings… actions speak louder than words. Well, I’ve been hurt before by the difference between what’s been said and what’s been done; it’s all to the good.

Working for me and working for us isn’t two different things any more. That’s pretty good. It seems to fit… of course we have issues; and I mean we, not me… but it really is glorious sunshine gentle reader.

UP!

This is a post in two parts. That’s probably a good thing, gentle reader, because my post output has been much diminished over the last few weeks. I guess we know why, don’t we? :-)

The best thing to report is that since my birthday things for my gorgeous guy and I are on the up and up. One of the things I like best about my relationship is that after some wobbly moments at the start is that we seem to go from strength to strength. This trust thing is a lark isn’t it? I’m somewhat in awe how he and I become more affectionate and settled every week. And this weekend marked 13 weeks – three months – since we have been together.

On Friday Fella and I went to dinner at the Texas Embassy with some of his work colleagues, whom I have met several times before. In fact on the previous Wednesday we had all gone to The Orphan, which is actually rather good – Fella was most pleased as this is the third cinema trip our group had made and the last two films he had not liked; and this time it was his choice.

On Saturday we spent much of the day working on an application form for him – his current work contract is up in October but he has a great work ethic and a keen mind and all his colleagues love him so I know he won’t be out of work long. I liked helping him in that way. It was nice and… domestic… and especially pleasing was his efforts to reward me in a way that made it remarkably difficult to type

That evening we went, unplanned and spontaneous like – to see the annual drag queen race in Greenwich.

It was great fun and I got to meet more of his friends. We got on really well, which I know pleased Fella enormously and he had a great night which in turn pleased me. Despite my need to be up early we ended up dancing the night away and despite an unfortunate incident on the way home (see below) all was rather wonderful.

On Sunday I went to Kew Gardens to see some family – the Italian branch to be exact –who were on a visit to London. It was nice to see them even though four generations of Milanese chaos was somewhat wearing after but four hours sleep. I did invite Fella but in the end I let him stay at mine to work on his application. It was so nice to come home to him – he cooked me dinner and spent the night again; the third in a row – we fell asleep in each other’s arms watching TV and in the morning we discussed (1) him maybe keeping more stuff permanently at mine to save a lot of carrying back and forth and (2) considering perhaps, in the next 100,000 years maybe moving in together.

Well there’s so much more that happened recently I have plenty more posts to come! In the meantime happy happy joy joy.