Research

You may remember, gentle reader, that I am doing a research degree in public policy. I am nearing the end of my studies now, and in fact only have a few lectures left before it’s all done. Studying, classes, projects, revising… they all keep me busy. I’ve loved it and it’s really taught me invaluable skills and opened up my horizons. Bargain.

Of course there is one element left – my dissertation.

It is very important for me to do my dissertation research on an LGBT themed topic. Having tried to do my projects and essays on LGBT-relevant areas I’ve been amazed, and somewhat frustrated by the lack of data out there.

It seems general social research isn’t exploring how the issues it tackles affect LGBT people, or where this is done it isn’t done consistently. This means different research can’t easily be compared because different questions are asked, or there aren’t enough LGBT people taking part in a research project to make populations comparable.

So where does my dissertation come in?

I posted a while back about wanting to look at the behaviours of men in civil partnerships to see if they tended to display less risky behaviour. I wanted to use the data collected by sigma research who do a fantastic sexual health survey. They collect the data, but don’t look at that question themselves. Sadly, whilst acknowledging it is an interesting question they refused to share their data with me.

So, being me, I decided what the hell-crap-damn – I’ll collect my own data. Ha! Take that wise, and experienced researchers!

My dissertation proposal has been signed off, although I am looking at a wider range of life experiences to see how these impact on behaviours and social attitudes. I’ve started an advertising campaign using banner ads on some LGBT websites, and flyers to hand out, which mean I should reach about 250,000 gay and bisexual men. With luck that will get me at least few hundred responses.

I’m very very excited and can’t wait get my hands on some data to get modelling. It should all be done by the beginning of September and in the meantime while people are completing my online research questionnaire I will be doing a lot of background reading which will have the added advantage of expanding my horizons about issues affecting gay people.

It would be remiss of me, of course, not to plug my research questionnaire… so if you are a gay or bisexual man, or a man who has sex with men – and you are resident in the UK – then you are more than welcome to take part at www.shrodis.com. It’s completely anonymous and every response is appreciated J  

February

Time is marching on gentle reader, and it is time for another postcard from Strumpetville.

Where is your cheerful fairy at then?

Life goes on – except for some of course it doesn’t. Since Fella’s mother died we have had, as is to be expected, our ups and downs. At first he really was very very down but I’ve tried to keep him busy and he’s been very active in organising the funeral, which will be on Thursday. He also has set up a website organising donations to the palliative care team that looked after Laura at the end.

When he’s been at his lowest I have been quite at a loss on how to console him, so it’s been a relief to have something for him to focus on. The funeral itself, I realise whilst typing this, will be tough on him and I think this coming weekend will be another tough one. Of course these things take time. Sometimes I feel – yes, me me me - as bit of a shit as I can’t – just cannot – take time out to really be there for him. That means for example Fella will go up for the funeral tomorrow, whilst I will arrive bang on the start.

Laura passed at the weekend before I started my new role and in the middle of essay writing for college. College is on its final stretch; once the essay is done, then it is exam time and then my dissertation. The pressure is on. Fella understands the demands but I sometimes feel his is a bereavement widow, and the double whammy – despite a very real foundation to our relationship being mutual support as we develop into the people we aim to be – fills me with guilt.

Fortunately my new boss is the head of the LGBT group where I work has had experience of this kind of thing and has been a very good source of advice. And of course friends have been double plus supportive, so once again my gratitude runneth over.

The wheels of life begin to turn again.  Fella and I went out for our belated Valentine’s dinner – as an aside you can imagine how much I adore going out with someone so good looking that four waiters serve him whilst I am studiously ignored *huff*. We did some serious civil partnership planning, which largely consisted of us conceding our initial budget plans were wildly optimistic.

No doubt there will be more to on all this AND MORE to blog about in the near future… the list of things to tell you gets ever longer! Stay tuned

Laura

On Saturday 11 February 2012 Fella’s mother, Laura, passed away. Her liver cancer progressed more speedily than anyone anticipated and a couple of weeks ago she began to deteriorate rapidly.

Realising she might become frail, but not anticipating that she would pass on so soon, Fella’s father encouraged both him and his brother to make a visit to see her.

For myself, pressures of college work made me say unless things were truly dire I would not be visiting that weekend, but of course I would support Fella in whatever he chose to do.

The week progressed and, yes, things began to look pretty dire. Fella went up on the Friday afternoon, and I drove up on the Saturday, arriving at midday.

By co-incidence the palliative care nurse was leaving, and the rest of the family had gone out to do some shopping, and possibly to clear their heads. However Fella was there, and together we sat with Laura while she rested.

I was quite shocked when I saw her. I had anticipated her being her; just asleep. Instead she was clearly very frail and poorly. Almost literally a shadow of her former self.

I do not know if she was conscious or not. Her eyes were partly open and her mouth moved a little but there was no sound. She was cold and she did not move at all.

The comment that all of us made, being with at that time, was THAT wasn’t her. That was not the woman of bottomless heart, limitless intellect and rapier wit who worked tirelessly to keep her family together and welcomed me despite her deeply held religious views.

However, it was her body, slowly slipping away, and within an hour of my arrival, with the family around her, she had passed away, a transition so peaceful we really couldn’t be sure exactly when it happened.

It was, thank God, peaceful and relatively comfortable. I am grateful for that.

She passed away so unexpectedly that there had been no arrangements made; no funeral home, no thought of bank accounts, emails, and the minutiae and details of loose ends and things to tie up.

The hardest thing for them all was the sympathy. People so often seemed to want the family to comfort THEM. Fella’s father found that the most difficult thing. Fella dealt with most of Laura’s side of the family, persuading people to cancel the visits they had been planning as there was now no point. Not until the funeral…

That will be in a week, perhaps two. Fella will help with the arrangements; particularly as he and Laura were so very close.

He’s taken it very hard, has Fella. They really were close… for me, I’m just trying to keep him active, keep him doing things, so that he has a chance to get over this tragedy without getting overwhelmed by it. Certainly today he was incredibly down. This will be a huge challenge for us both to get other and it will take time.

The Good Wife

In mid-February I start a new secondment in the Chief Executive’s office of the organisation I work for. It’s great to have a new opportunity – I will be focusing more on corporate governance and risk management rather than business management which will be a good change. A sideways promotion, if you will, and perhaps the nicest thing is I will be working directly for the head of the LGBT group, who has been double-plus supportive of me and other gay colleagues in the office.

It’s only nine months, but I’m very much looking forward to the change of setting, work and pace.

Of course I still need to do my project, dissertation and study for my exams, so it will be tough to manage but I know with Fella’s support I shall be able to manage.

Fella of course needs my support too, both with the physical and the emotional side of looking after his mother, and also with his own career.

He is on secondment too, of course, and he is doing very well in his role. He’s such a sweetheart it’s nice he can work to his strengths and capabilities as well as being uber-popular in his own office.

Part of supporting him is playing the good wife; where he works has lots of social and work events and it is politic to be there to support him and hob with the nobs. It’s a bit like being a politician’s wife; smile and wave, smile and wave… although as we both work in healthcare I can hold my own with anyone there. I enjoy it, but I have to be pretty and witty and gay regardless of my mood!

This weekend it was the highlight of the season, the annual ball. I went the whole hog and bought a new DJ for the occasion. As this is the third such occasion I’ve been to I saw loads of people I know; a lot of the people Fella works with have become good friends. I’m told the cheerful fairy was on top form, which is good. They do like the keep the wine flowing at these things…

I really do think it is a strength of our relationship that we are mutually supporting each other’s careers; and I’m very proud that I’ve been able to support fella in getting his career going well. Admittedly I am pleased that I get paid more than him, but every little helps as we plan for our civil partnership and our life after that. Of course we have to support each other in lots of ways, but really I do enjoy hanging off his arm at a do or two.

Happy New Year

Yes Gentle Reader I fear I have neglected you for most of January. But the Cheerful Fairy is back in Strumpetville, and more than happy to discuss my favourite subject – Me.

Have I been idle? No, far from it!

I have submitted by dissertation proposal form to my university for my research project; I’ll write more about that soon – my first meeting with my department head is on Wednesday, and while alongside the regular study and work it will be a big challenge, it’s a topic I’m very keen on – yes it is gay themed – and I’m eager to get started.

I have started my medication regime and I’m back at the gym so I’m pleased to write my health is getting back on an even keel. My New Year diet is going well, although I fell off the wagon rather at the weekend for a friend’s birthday.

On top of this I have been applying for new jobs and had an interview last Friday – I’m pretty sure I didn’t get the job but hey-ho it’s all good experience.

Work continues busy and I’m eager, obviously, to move on to my next career step. However, while I’m there I’m still an active member of the LGBT group and we’re working to celebrate gay history month in February.

Fella continues fine and we are as strong as ever. Domestic bliss reigns. We socialise with our friends; we enjoy each other’s company; the wedding planning continues at its slow pace. We have our synergy – he cooks, I eat; I diet; he loses weight.

There are down sides. Fella’s mother is increasingly unwell. Her liver cancer is terminal and over Christmas it was clear she is going downhill. Caring for her will be a big part of our year. However long she lasts – and of course we will have to think about changing the date of our civil partnership to take into account, bluntly, how long she will be around and healthy enough to attend.

All in all there’s lots going on in 2012, and lots will happen. So, to finish off this breathless guide to an average man’s life, I have decided simply not to have New Year’s resolutions. Nope. Why write something down I can look at in 12 months and go “ah. Forgot about these…”? Instead I will keep trying to be the best me I can possibly be. This will include resisting the temptation to set fire to my office.

Meme

Ask me no questions…

I got this meme from Nik theGreek’s excellent blog. The answers are honest, sometimes embarrassing and  probably quite average – not unlike myself. I don’t do enough memes, so if you know of any you think I might like to fill in, please let me know…

Here goes.

1. How old were you when you knew you were gay?
I recall first feeling I was gay when I was 14 and I honestly fancied a specific guy rather than just being confused. I know he liked me too, as we fooled around a little, on and off, for about three years – we never fully consummated our mutual adolescent attraction, but I remember him very fondly sometimes wonder where he is now…

2. Have you ever had sex with the opposite sex?
Yes. I have even had a couple of girlfriends, of whom one is still a good friend. But it’s been a while!

3. Who was the first person you came out to?
The person I came out to properly first was one of my closest friends, ‘A’. After I met Darren I got tired of some people knowing I was gay just ‘cos I didn’t pretend and others kinda not knowing. So we went to the pub and told her I had started dating him. The doors infatuation opens!

4. Are you out to your family?
Yes. Everyone, now.

5. Do you want children?
No, but the idea has its attractions. Still, I know the kind of work that’s involved and strongly believe that if you are to have a child, that’s what your life has to be about… and I want my life to be about other things. So. Selfish me; no kids.

6. Do you have more gay friends or straight friends?
I don’t know. Close friends - it’s a good mix. Acquaintances – mostly straight.

7. Were you out in school?
No. I didn’t want to get killed.

8. Is your best friend the same sex as you?
No.

9. If your best friend is the same sex, have you ever had sex with them?
N/A

10. Have you ever done crystal meth?
No; though I did hook up with someone who was on it…. We… haven’t kept in touch. That, and quite coincidentally hooking up with his boyfriend (strangulation fetish!), would make an interesting post one day.

11. Have you ever been in a sling?
No. But that’s not quite the end of that *fond memories*

12. Have you ever done a 3-way?
Yes. I have always enjoyed such things very much, but always was careful to be the ‘guest star’ in such arrangements.

13. Have you ever dressed in drag?
No. I have GREAT legs though… and I’m told there are photos of me at a recent drinks outing wearing a VERY fetching shade of lipstick indeed *blush*

14. Would you date a drag queen?
Yes; and I have. I didn’t know he was a drag queen when we first started dating, but when he told me I thought it was fantastic. That was shorty after I broke up with International – c.f. he took the first opportunity to head for the hills LOL. He, the drag queen, didn’t think I was really over intenrational, so didn’t really take our budding relationship forward which was a shame, because we really liked each other.

15. Are you 'fixed in your ways' as it were?
In some ways. I’m quite – c.f. very – introverted but once I loosen up I like to enjoy myself and I’m quite open minded. My Myers-Briggs personality type is INTJ which I’m told makes me open to whatever the clearest and strategically best frame of mind might be,

Original 15. Are you a top/bottom or truly versatile?
I’m top/versatile.

16. Cher or Bette?
Hmmm. Ask Fella.

17. Have you dated someone of a different ethnicity?
Yes. More than once. Nothing long term.

18. Been to Fire Island? Saugatuck? Key West? Ft. Lauderdale? Palm Springs?
No. Most outrageous destination was a nudist beach in Spain with International. I’d go back; via the gym, mind you.

Original 18. Have you ever barebacked?
Hmmm. Not sure I should answer that. Which, of course, means yes.

19. How many Madonna CDs do you own?
None. Fella has, quote, “five or six”. Enough for both of us.

20. Name of your first love?
Well, the guy I talk about in answer 1; or Darren.

21. Do you still talk to them?
No. Never.

22. Does size matter?
Ah… well, I’ve discussed that before. Bluntly, yes, but not as much as people might think, and actually I’ve had fun with all kinds of people of all shapes and sizes. I’d never reject anyone on those grounds; and have never thought afterward it wasn’t worth hooking up with someone due to that.

23. Biggest turn on?
A good kisser… oh yes. There is also a special area on my neck which, if reached, drives me completely INSANE. Plus I always enjoyed that physical feedback where someone appreciates and responds to your… best efforts.

24. Biggest turn off?
Overly negative people. Glass half full darling!

25. Ever been harassed due to your orientation?
Yes. Fella and I have had a couple of hairy incidents; and sometimes colleagues make comments that are not much appreciated. Not been physically attacked or anything serious; so I think we’re lucky.

26. Worst gay stereotype that applies to you?
Hmm. My response to that would have to be – what’s a gay stereotype? If gay people can be put in a series of pigeonholes than I don’t fit any of them, or better still I fit some of them all the time but to varying degrees depending on a range of factors. Tell you what – show me some living female, black, or Jewish stereotypes and let’s compare notes.

27. Ever been to a pride rally?
Yes. Love them

28. Would you marry if you could?
Yes.

29. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful?
I’d rather be a younger and more beautiful me. If I could be that young and beautiful forever. Evidently I can’t.

Actually, scrap that superficial answer. I’d rather be ME, but the best me I can be. Including the best looking me of course.

30. Do you sculpt your eyebrows?
We lift and separate from time to time.

31. Do you trim your body hair?
There are certain areas of a gentleman’s garden I find it prudent to keep in check. I don’t shave it.

32. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day?
Yes.

33. Ever been to an orgy?
Yes.

34. Which character in "The Women" best reflects you?
Can’t tell you. In that I don’t know.

35. Favorite gay expression?
Erm… nothing springs to mind.

36. How may 'exes' do you have?
Well, Darren and International make two fairly long term-ish relationships but I’ve dated some other guys who were special enough to be exes. The real number is probably in the region of five or six. It depends on your value of ex I suppose.

37. Do you believe in fairies?
Only cheerful ones.

38. Do you have any tattoos?
No. Fella won’t let me. Though I’d love to…

39. Do you have any piercings?
No. Fella has a few. I don’t like the idea for myself.

40. Would you date a smoker?
I do.

41. If you are male, do you know many lesbians?
Yes, both as good friends and where I work.

42. Do you know anyone who has died from HIV?
No.

43. Are you part of a gay organization?
I’m a member of the LGBT network at work.

44. Is your gym cruisy?
No. Shame.

45. Grinder or Scruff?
Crikey – neither. Those days are behind me.

46. Are your best years behind or in front of you?
In front.

47. Got Porn?
I like a couple of websites and explicit blogs I drop in to from time to time; but nothing stored. People give Fella porn as an in-joke from time to time.

48. Make out music?
Nothing really.

49. Ever been in love with a straight guy?
I’ve fucking fancied loads, starting with my best friend’s brother when at high school right up to a couple of cute guys in my office.  In love? No.

50. Did you ever have sex with him?
I’ve fooled around with a couple of guys while at University. Nothing heavy, and we weren’t in love.

51. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
Yes – see 18

52. Have you ever been to a bath house?
Yes

53. Ever had sex in public?
Yes.

54. What gay gene did you miss out?
Ah, that goes back to the stereotype thing doesn’t it?

Happy New Year ;-)

Christmas

Fella and I are back from Christmas with his family, and if you’ll forgive me gentle reader, now the in-laws have been done, I’m looking forward to some relaxation and general enjoyment.

We went to the in-laws this year, as last – the disadvantage of having my family being abroad! I actually get on with them very well, and I’ve been welcomed into the family in the most touching way. Nevertheless, it’s sometimes a struggle and this year as much as ever.

Fella’s mother has terminal liver cancer and she is clearly deteriorating very fast. His father reacts to this with extraordinary anger, and certainly 2012 will have to see Fella supporting them a lot more and me supporting him doing that.  

On the plus side it was great to see my brother- and sister-in-law again – for the first time since their wedding - and when all of us were together we had so much fun. I was given a book on art deco and a lovely top from Fella. I gave him a wine and cheese tasting evening (with a friend) in January and a wash-bag which he can use in his new role as event manager, which takes him all over the country. The others got a book, or for my mother-in-law a kindle voucher as she spends a lot of time in hospital…

There was more food than we could eat – yeah, that’s Christmas – and a lot of the gifts centred on chocolates and biscuits and fine coffees; that was my father-in-law buying on his mother’s behalf, and i am touched she included me on the gift list, canny old bird that she is.

Now we’re back. After a couple of stressful days I practically jumped Fella when we got home... but that’s another story. Now, in the few days we have until we return to work in the new year I’m looking forward to some quiet relaxation, seeing friends and generally taking advantage of the break.

This year really has had its ups and downs and in many ways I’m looking forward to it being over. It hasn’t been bad, not at all; but there are so many things to do that 2012 needs a run up. I’m actually really looking forward to what might just be the (second) most important year ever ;-) and this Christmas is almost a sabbatical from the challenges ahead, no matter how much I relish them.

I’ll post about what needs to be done in 2012 in the New Year , and I will certainly be relaxing until then, so let me take this opportunity to wish you all the best for the festive season; my thanks for reading about my middle-classed wittering about my ordinary life; and the hope that your 2012 will be your best year so far; but not your best year ever!