Confidence

I’ve always been an introvert, and painfully shy in social situations, or when meeting new people. Afraid of coming across as a bit of a dickhead and generally lacking in the social graces even when I have stepped outside of myself and spoken up, I’ve ended up over analysing it afterward and cursing myself for being such a fool.

I’m told I was always pretty much like this; ‘never’ cried as a baby, never fussed in the supermarket or was particularly naughty. I always was happy by myself, playing in my room or with my head in a book. And being raised in an environment that can be best described as one of benign neglect I thrived academically but did little else.

When I was 14 we moved to Wiltshire and I started a new school. My parents’ marriage disintegrated within a year and neglect went from benign to virtually total. A combination of no parental guidance, peer pressure and raging adolescent hormones – plus a slow emergence into a not at all bad looking youth – set the scene for some uncharacteristic naughtiness. I made friends who have been my friends for 20 years, had thoroughly good adventures and made a point of pretty much saying yes to everything whilst also keeping enough of a head to maintain my academic credentials.

In the end no matter how much I drank, what else I took, how often the police brought me home or whether or not the injunction banning me from all National Trust land is still in force, none of it changed who I am. But the experiences that I had and the people I was with made me begin to appreciate who that person could be.

Soon, gentle reader, I will have been in sunny Strumpetville half my life. I have had a successful career to date, and this blog relates well enough another journey I have made. Yet in what should very much be a well-earned summer of my life, I find myself yet again pondering why I am virtually crippled by an appalling lack of self-confidence.

I am an introvert, still, and that is no bad thing, although the modern world is all about those with personality and not us keepers of the unlovablevirtues. Fella understands I have the space and time I need to read my books, tend my garden…

Still, the issue harms our relationship. How can he be happy or fulfilled being with someone like me? I do keep testing or challenging his sincerity and I worry one day the shine will come off. That is my biggest fear. But also I find it difficult to consider going for a promotion – what have I achieved? Am I really worth promoting?

In an effort to tackle what I perceive to be a very risky and fragile state I have been casting about for some self-help resources. One book I have been reading recently in particular has been quite useful. It’s named “What’s Stopping You” by Robert Kelsey, and man who describes himself as having overcome some of the same issues I describe. It’s a good primer for books like “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” so is worth reading for that. But also he does seem to have the measure of me!

In his book he describes me and those like me as “High Fear of Failure” and we manifest this by setting impossible goals so it doesn’t really matter if we don’t reach them;  and how we avoid going into situations, social or otherwise, because we don’t recognise that we all fail a lot of times and in many respects that is a positive learning experience too.

The book also expands on the helpful “where will you be in five years’ time” angle by exploring how those goals can be broken down into the tasks needed to get achieve them; getting started on those tasks; and - ultimately – what’s stopping you?

I don’t like the “blame the parents” excuse. Nor do I think a book is the answer to what ails me. I do know, however, I need to man-up and confront these issues because cute they may be in a teenager, they lack a certain charm in a man approaching (in a few years yet) middle age.

Meme

Ask me no questions…

I got this meme from Nik theGreek’s excellent blog. The answers are honest, sometimes embarrassing and  probably quite average – not unlike myself. I don’t do enough memes, so if you know of any you think I might like to fill in, please let me know…

Here goes.

1. How old were you when you knew you were gay?
I recall first feeling I was gay when I was 14 and I honestly fancied a specific guy rather than just being confused. I know he liked me too, as we fooled around a little, on and off, for about three years – we never fully consummated our mutual adolescent attraction, but I remember him very fondly sometimes wonder where he is now…

2. Have you ever had sex with the opposite sex?
Yes. I have even had a couple of girlfriends, of whom one is still a good friend. But it’s been a while!

3. Who was the first person you came out to?
The person I came out to properly first was one of my closest friends, ‘A’. After I met Darren I got tired of some people knowing I was gay just ‘cos I didn’t pretend and others kinda not knowing. So we went to the pub and told her I had started dating him. The doors infatuation opens!

4. Are you out to your family?
Yes. Everyone, now.

5. Do you want children?
No, but the idea has its attractions. Still, I know the kind of work that’s involved and strongly believe that if you are to have a child, that’s what your life has to be about… and I want my life to be about other things. So. Selfish me; no kids.

6. Do you have more gay friends or straight friends?
I don’t know. Close friends - it’s a good mix. Acquaintances – mostly straight.

7. Were you out in school?
No. I didn’t want to get killed.

8. Is your best friend the same sex as you?
No.

9. If your best friend is the same sex, have you ever had sex with them?
N/A

10. Have you ever done crystal meth?
No; though I did hook up with someone who was on it…. We… haven’t kept in touch. That, and quite coincidentally hooking up with his boyfriend (strangulation fetish!), would make an interesting post one day.

11. Have you ever been in a sling?
No. But that’s not quite the end of that *fond memories*

12. Have you ever done a 3-way?
Yes. I have always enjoyed such things very much, but always was careful to be the ‘guest star’ in such arrangements.

13. Have you ever dressed in drag?
No. I have GREAT legs though… and I’m told there are photos of me at a recent drinks outing wearing a VERY fetching shade of lipstick indeed *blush*

14. Would you date a drag queen?
Yes; and I have. I didn’t know he was a drag queen when we first started dating, but when he told me I thought it was fantastic. That was shorty after I broke up with International – c.f. he took the first opportunity to head for the hills LOL. He, the drag queen, didn’t think I was really over intenrational, so didn’t really take our budding relationship forward which was a shame, because we really liked each other.

15. Are you 'fixed in your ways' as it were?
In some ways. I’m quite – c.f. very – introverted but once I loosen up I like to enjoy myself and I’m quite open minded. My Myers-Briggs personality type is INTJ which I’m told makes me open to whatever the clearest and strategically best frame of mind might be,

Original 15. Are you a top/bottom or truly versatile?
I’m top/versatile.

16. Cher or Bette?
Hmmm. Ask Fella.

17. Have you dated someone of a different ethnicity?
Yes. More than once. Nothing long term.

18. Been to Fire Island? Saugatuck? Key West? Ft. Lauderdale? Palm Springs?
No. Most outrageous destination was a nudist beach in Spain with International. I’d go back; via the gym, mind you.

Original 18. Have you ever barebacked?
Hmmm. Not sure I should answer that. Which, of course, means yes.

19. How many Madonna CDs do you own?
None. Fella has, quote, “five or six”. Enough for both of us.

20. Name of your first love?
Well, the guy I talk about in answer 1; or Darren.

21. Do you still talk to them?
No. Never.

22. Does size matter?
Ah… well, I’ve discussed that before. Bluntly, yes, but not as much as people might think, and actually I’ve had fun with all kinds of people of all shapes and sizes. I’d never reject anyone on those grounds; and have never thought afterward it wasn’t worth hooking up with someone due to that.

23. Biggest turn on?
A good kisser… oh yes. There is also a special area on my neck which, if reached, drives me completely INSANE. Plus I always enjoyed that physical feedback where someone appreciates and responds to your… best efforts.

24. Biggest turn off?
Overly negative people. Glass half full darling!

25. Ever been harassed due to your orientation?
Yes. Fella and I have had a couple of hairy incidents; and sometimes colleagues make comments that are not much appreciated. Not been physically attacked or anything serious; so I think we’re lucky.

26. Worst gay stereotype that applies to you?
Hmm. My response to that would have to be – what’s a gay stereotype? If gay people can be put in a series of pigeonholes than I don’t fit any of them, or better still I fit some of them all the time but to varying degrees depending on a range of factors. Tell you what – show me some living female, black, or Jewish stereotypes and let’s compare notes.

27. Ever been to a pride rally?
Yes. Love them

28. Would you marry if you could?
Yes.

29. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful?
I’d rather be a younger and more beautiful me. If I could be that young and beautiful forever. Evidently I can’t.

Actually, scrap that superficial answer. I’d rather be ME, but the best me I can be. Including the best looking me of course.

30. Do you sculpt your eyebrows?
We lift and separate from time to time.

31. Do you trim your body hair?
There are certain areas of a gentleman’s garden I find it prudent to keep in check. I don’t shave it.

32. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day?
Yes.

33. Ever been to an orgy?
Yes.

34. Which character in "The Women" best reflects you?
Can’t tell you. In that I don’t know.

35. Favorite gay expression?
Erm… nothing springs to mind.

36. How may 'exes' do you have?
Well, Darren and International make two fairly long term-ish relationships but I’ve dated some other guys who were special enough to be exes. The real number is probably in the region of five or six. It depends on your value of ex I suppose.

37. Do you believe in fairies?
Only cheerful ones.

38. Do you have any tattoos?
No. Fella won’t let me. Though I’d love to…

39. Do you have any piercings?
No. Fella has a few. I don’t like the idea for myself.

40. Would you date a smoker?
I do.

41. If you are male, do you know many lesbians?
Yes, both as good friends and where I work.

42. Do you know anyone who has died from HIV?
No.

43. Are you part of a gay organization?
I’m a member of the LGBT network at work.

44. Is your gym cruisy?
No. Shame.

45. Grinder or Scruff?
Crikey – neither. Those days are behind me.

46. Are your best years behind or in front of you?
In front.

47. Got Porn?
I like a couple of websites and explicit blogs I drop in to from time to time; but nothing stored. People give Fella porn as an in-joke from time to time.

48. Make out music?
Nothing really.

49. Ever been in love with a straight guy?
I’ve fucking fancied loads, starting with my best friend’s brother when at high school right up to a couple of cute guys in my office.  In love? No.

50. Did you ever have sex with him?
I’ve fooled around with a couple of guys while at University. Nothing heavy, and we weren’t in love.

51. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
Yes – see 18

52. Have you ever been to a bath house?
Yes

53. Ever had sex in public?
Yes.

54. What gay gene did you miss out?
Ah, that goes back to the stereotype thing doesn’t it?

Happy New Year ;-)