Yin and Yang

Things have moved remarkably quickly since March. I’m not complaining, oh no; I even managed to squeeze in a bit of fun on Tuesday night with ‘Z’, a guy with whom I’ve been exchanging texts and emails for some weeks (I’d actually given up hope of us ever hooking up). But I do wonder if sometimes I rashly make sudden jumps, complicating situations that ideally would get more careful consideration and management.

For example, Harry has become, in a remarkably short space of time, something of a vexatious stalker. He has constantly called, texted, emailed, visited my profile on the website through which we first met, and otherwise made a bit of a nuisance of his-self, several times a day since we split up.

Things came to a head with the message he sent to me today, of which the following forms part:

“…my ex visited your profile and I would appreciate it if you don’t start chatting to him because all I need is my current boyfriend taking of with my ex !!”

Hmmmm. Okay….

Firstly, we have broken up, I can assure you. What, then, is this ‘current’ boyfriend business? Secondly, what do I care his ex visited my profile? I’ve never met his ex, and would never have known the guy from Adam if Harry hadn’t helpfully provided his details. Thirdly, as I made clear in my reply, had Harry and I remained together, I would still speak/flirt/[insert verb of choice here] with whomsoever I please, damn it!

I suppose it’s a good sign his ex has sufficient use of his limbs to visit my profile in the first place…

But, enough is enough so I’ve told Harry not to contact me again until at least early June (he’s going away for a week then so it seems a natural point) by which time he will hopefully have calmed down!

In the meantime ‘Q’ and I are in virtually constant contact so that seems to be going well. Yesterday evening we exchanged some romantic and sweet emails about getting to know each other and how much fun it is going to be, and how nerve-wracking it’s going to be, and how much good it will be to see where this leads. I do find myself warming to him oh such a great deal. Fingers crossed!

Go to your room...

…and think about what you’ve done

Monday saw me stricken with my illness so I barely rose from my bed all day. Fortunately I did get a few bits of paperwork done and I forced myself to eat properly, check my emails etc – the day wasn’t a total write-off. I even phoned my mother (“Now that you’ve decided to be gay, have you been making lots of new ‘friends’?”).

One of the nice things is that it gave me a chance to keep in touch with ‘Q’ and we’re meeting up on Thursday to go to a vegetarian Indian restaurant he knows. I do hope he isn’t totally vegetarian; I really, really like my meat. If I do end up with a vegetarian I can see myself joining ‘Meatdar’ and disappearing of an evening to have encounters with burgers and steaks…

Writing of encounters, I sometimes feel that there are many prospects on the horizon, and sometimes that I’m in a desert. The weekend was obviously very busy and I enjoy online-cruising very much. The hope of finding someone; the thrill of making arrangements; the anticipation of meeting; kissing; touching;… passion…; etc. I also enjoy dating; meeting someone for dinner drinks etc to get to know the person without some pre-arranged physical intimacy.

Today, however, I feel somewhat adrift. What a difference a day makes! My mood is not helped by the fact Harry and What’shisname are both contacting me, and not in a ‘let’s be friends’ way; Harry in particular is checking up on me two or three times a day, badgering me to call him as soon as I’m well so we can, in effect, give it another try. At first that was sweet. Now it’s really annoying! Early days, though, so presumably things will all calm down given enough time.

Coincidentally a daytime TV show called “The Wright Stuff” that I occasionally enjoy discussed sex on a first date. I have often enjoyed relations on a first date (quite apart from casual assignations), and in truth I’ve had some great nights, and lots of fun but it hasn’t got me too far. But I agree with the expressed views of the panel on the show that sex is always there in the background in any event (as the whole point of the date is to appear attractive to the other) and how things go depends in part how much pressure we put on ourselves, and in part on our ability to be honest.

After yesterday’s laziness I must busy myself getting things done, especially as tomorrow I feel like having a ‘me’ day – if it’s nice I shall go out, have a coffee al-fresco and read the papers. Thursday is dinner with ‘Q’, Friday I’m seeing Lord of the Rings with my friend ‘D’, and Saturday is going to be Eurotastic…

Not for the office!

An end

I’ve been pondering what to do with myself with my new found freedom from work. The first thing of course is DIY; the bathroom’s had a lot of long overdue work already. Then of course a rigorous exercise and study regime; and the whole flat is going to get thoroughly cleaned from top to bottom.

Of course at the same time I suddenly get a lot of business; I have a couple of ‘big’ clients who retain me to provide financial advice to their clients and employees (one is an insurance company and the other is a construction company that is making quite a few people redundant at the moment) and I’m working with a couple of charities that are merging and need a new website, new systems, financial arrangements etc. It’s going to be tough to juggle for the foreseeable future. But, I like a challenge!

Writing of which… Harry called on Tuesday after we’d exchanged some emails and I explained I’d seen the doctor and what was wrong etc. I was surprised at his reaction – though I suspect I’ve put myself in this position, and only have myself to blame after keeping him hanging on.

He said he was not interested in discussing it or meeting me as arranged until I guaranteed that he and I would continue our relationship indefinitely.

After a moment or two of shocked silence I mumbled something about seeing how we go which seemed to satisfy him. But as the conversation continued I became quite cross, with myself and him, at this attempt at emotional blackmail and my reaction to it. So I made my final, final, almost final decision to end it when I saw him on Thursday.

So Thursday comes and we meet up in Piccadilly at 7:30. Unintended, I arrived very early, but took the opportunity to find a nice quiet place where we can sit and talk and I can get my total-bastard-moment out of the way.

Having never given notice of a break-up before I found it very difficult (the least one would expect, I would suggest). I explained how I was feeling and that I couldn’t really be a good boyfriend under those circumstances. I also explained I was unwell and that made quite a significant difference to the outlook for ‘us’. In return Harry, though a bit upset, explained he would prefer not to see me while I was ill but that he hoped when I was better I would look him up and we could try to hook up again.

I guess that worked out for both of us, then…

In medicine there is a condition that affects otherwise healthy babies called “failure to thrive” and I think this is what happened to us here. How odd when you consider all the wonder and joy I felt at the start.

I do feel like a real hick though. Booze… I must… have… booze.

Carry on Doctor!

Nearly a week since my last post, I dunno…

So where are we up to?

Harry and I had a lengthy phone conversation on Friday. I didn’t really want to go into detail about my concerns over the phone, but he insisted and when he asked me to set out where I thought we were (are we OK? etc) I just said we should meet next (meaning this) week.

He went away with friends at the weekend so that gave us both time to think. I’m actually still not sure what to do so I suppose my final decision will me made when I see him. Not really fair on the chap, but as before while I adore so much about him/us there’s just something that makes me hesitate and it would be particularly unfair to keep him hanging on.

In the meantime on Sunday I met not one but two guys who live really near me. Totally chaste, but a good time! With the first (U) we walked all along the river from Woolwich to the O2 dome and had a early afternoon drink therein before heading back. It’s a lovely walk and one I’ll repeat with other friends when they come to visit.

The second ‘date’, with R, was spent in front of the river on a path of land between it and our development, where we polished off a lot of wine and I got terribly sunburnt – to the amusement of my colleagues.

Both were great and I hope to see both of them again if only for a laugh.

Now Monday rolls around and by the end of the day I’m beginning to feel seriously unwell. I end up going home early and getting straight into bed; though I hate doing it I went to the doctor and I discussed my current and more long-standing symptoms.

I was expecting to be told to take some aspirin and stop being such a girl, but instead I was told it was extremely important that I had been seen and to take at least two weeks off, awaiting an onward referral to a specialist. Oooops. Well, we’ll see what happens. I’m not worried about the health thing (as of yet). I’ve emailed a couple of colleagues to let them know and to keep me in mind if any social things are happening! And I’ve contacted a couple of clients to move things around.

I hate being off sick; haven’t taken at day off for nearly two years and it just makes me worry that I’m pathetic and not pulling-my-weight when told to take the time now. But my health is the most important thing.

Anyhow; I’m now at home, enjoying the sunny weather and wondering what’s next. Apart from an early afternoon glass of wine…

Puzzler

As I may have mentioned here before I have a bit of a portfolio existence and alongside my financial advice-and-planning business, I have another small business providing support services to charities and community groups (websites, research, project management etc). Jack of all trades; master of none, that's me!

But alongside these I work for the public sector in a semi-regulatory/governance role. I (mostly) love it to bits and my colleagues and I have developed a fantastic new service over the last year. But, to help manage its growth we have been writing a 40 page, 10,000 word business plan and the deadline we set ourselves to get it out was 3pm Wednesday!

Yet while Wednesday was set to be a really tough day at work anyway, we additionally had visitors from Australia coming in as the government of Queensland wants to set up a similar service to ours. The pressure really was on! However, they were really, really nice and I enjoyed meeting them, talking them through our work and the new systems we had developed over the last 12 months, and discussing solutions to common problems we face. They seemed impressed and I had some great feedback: I’m tempted to fly over there and offer my services...

I adore being busy and all the challenges (and freedoms) my working life presents me – before I came out I threw myself into my work a lot so finding the time and space to be in a relationship can be difficult. As can managing one.

Harry and I met on Wednesday evening as arranged, and went to the National Gallery. BUT (eternally present it would seem) the negativity I mentioned before was very much in evidence. I could give lots of examples, but it was essentially a repeat of the unending series of comments that neither invited a response nor formed part of a conversation.

The best example I can give is of Harry’s comment on Eduard Manet’s “The Execution of Maximilian” (1867) – a painting showing the death by firing squad of the Mexican Emperor on 19 June of that year, and which was cut into pieces subsequently and only survives today in fragments. He said, on seeing this work, that is was “gay”.

After we finished with the paintings we went for a couple of drinks, and we ended up having a good time once I’d chilled out a bit; I needed to unwind after being on tenterhooks for the next comment. Not really surprising then that Harry said as he was leaving that he’d got the “wrong vibes” from me that night.

But that was the comment that finally prompted me to say that his negativity was really grinding me down and I genuinely didn’t know where we were going next. Words were had, right in the heart of Piccadilly, and we parted company.

I have not yet contacted him today, but I have been thinking about how difficult it is to reconcile how great this is ‘on paper’ with how hard it is in practice. This negative attitude is going to kill all the wonderful feelings I have and all the unbidden day-dreams of jacking it all in and heading off to Manchester to be with him, no thought about what I’d do when I get there, and no regrets about what I’d leave behind.

I’ve talked it trough with friends – good friends who have their own problems without me going on about this – and they’ve pointed out it may be cultural, and it may be related to all the things he’s been through. I accept that entirely but I work 15 hour days and study for professional qualifications; I have a full social life and a complex family. I love my life and there’s room in my heart, and arms, and bed for a man. I’m just beginning to think twice about whether it should be that man.

still keeping up?!

431 words or just three?

To Harry

I don’t know how best to put down in words the things I feel; I don’t understand what is happening to me. So I’m writing to try and explain to myself as much as anyone what is happening with my head, and my heart, and my… *ahem*.

I’m not the world’s most outgoing guy, and I am someone who’s introspective and thinks things through so you can guess how annoying it is that I can’t get you out of my head for even five minutes. Hence the need to write this thing, though you may never even read it.

Perhaps it’s the fact I’m always thinking of you that makes it most difficult to find the expression I need; like finding love when you least expect it I probably need a distraction to have the epiphany I’m hoping for. But in the meantime I can’t believe how often we talk and email and message each other. I miss you when you’re not here and will the phone to bring me your next call or text. Just having you in the same room would be heaven right now. And I couldn’t help but notice that today’s last text had four kisses on it rather than the usual three. Oh my.

It feels like there’s no-one else in the world for me. Though you don’t yet know this, I told my lover What’shisname as soon as I’d met you that I couldn’t see him again; and I broke off the other dates I’d arranged too. I haven’t looked at another guy since. But there is that last part of me that won’t jump off the cliff…

How is it that I feel I would walk away from my work, friends and life to join you in Manchester? How it is that I’m planning for Wednesday night, the picnic you promised me, Paris in July, what’s next after you complete your training all at the same time?

Perhaps it was wrong but I went online today just to test myself and see if I would indulge my baser side. It felt like a foreign place to me, a culture I could no longer understand; what I need is not there anymore.

It’s different this thing I we have found. I don’t yet know what it is. Will you hold my hand while I find out? In the meantime let’s go to the design museum and the Tate. Let’s have a picnic in the park. Let’s go to Paris, and have a weekend flat hunting in Manchester too. Let’s do everything...

A Busy Bee - Part Two

After work on Friday I went for the now traditional drinks on Das Boot with colleagues. However, I was in a foul, foul mood because of various things that had happened at work on Thursday and Friday, and also a bit worried because Harry had said he wasn’t well and might not be able to make it as planned, so I’m not sure I was great company! I’ll make it up to them… but, to my relief Harry called to say he was coming after all so I dashed off to meet him, and together we headed into the sunset, general direction: my place.

Friday night was good; we watched a film (30 days of night) and had a candle-lit bath together and went to bed; a lot of fun and very little sleep, ha ha.

The morning after the night before was a bit different, though. Harry is very tactile and after 17 hours of it non-stop I’m afraid I was really beginning to feel the need to have two minutes to myself, without someone unendingly stroking my hair or running their fingers up and down my spine. I mean it’s great, but not constantly! So when he couldn’t leave me alone to the extent it took nearly an hour to make coffee (no exaggeration), and after very little sleep, my mood began to get just a little bit brittle.

However, as it was a nice day we decided to go for a walk along the river and enjoy the nice day it had turned out to be. Yet along the way another side of Harry came out that I wasn’t too keen on either; a somewhat relentless negativity about things: “It’s stupid to run a ferry when they could build a bridge”...“that’s a weird looking boat”... "what an ugly building”... "that’s a funny colour for a helicopter”...“it’s so noisy around here”... “she’s very fat”... etc, etc, etc.

I think it’s important to understand it wasn’t even conversational, just a litany of comments: after I while I really did have to stop and tell him to just try and say something nice! Nevertheless on we went to the Greenwich Heritage Centre near the Firepower Museum, where we also grabbed lunch in the Gunpit Café there, and enjoyed sitting outside in the sunshine.

When we got home I did sit him down and explain that he had been quite negative, and that was a little bit off-putting; he got quite angry with me about that but I also explained that it was also in part that I was tired and sometimes needed a bit of space to recharge my batteries. We talked it out, and certainly patched things up to the extent that we ended up in bed again! Essentially, though, we’ve decided to do more things together so we a range of common experiences and interests.

But even so Harry said he would go home rather than stay the night, and I walked him to the station - though we actually ended up having a really great talk along the way, - and he went home with us on still very good terms indeed.

This morning I looked at flats in Manchester for him. As he did too; we talked on the phone in the afternoon and I explained the flats I had seen were really nice and really inexpensive. I also looked at train fares to and from Manchester and even sought out suitable job. We also agreed to go and spend a weekend up there doing a bit of flat-hunting nearer to his move. In my head I sometimes catch myself questioning what I'm doing - we've only been together a week but (at the risk of sounding repetitious) it strangely feels totally natural to be contemplating leaving my home of 13 years, my friends and colleagues, the life I've built... because that's where he'll be.

As I was typing this he called again and we talked more about the places we could go and the things we could do – so later in the month we’ll go to the Design Museum and the Tate. I also want to have friends over for dinner as a thank you for having me at theirs for a house-warming; and I'm giving serious thought to a Eurovision party.

But first, on Wednesday we’re meeting again at the National Portrait Gallery to be followed by drinkies.

So, it’s a beginning.

One of Harry's favourites

You can't travel faster than light

Are you sure?

For now let ‘H’ be Harry. Harry is a doctor, half British half Iraqi, over here after much of his family was killed in the ethnic squabbles that have overtaken the cradle of civilisation since 2003. What remains of his family is mostly in Jordan, but he still has some family in Baghdad and he talks about the life they have and he had there like it is the most normal thing in the world… I suppose, sadly, it is.

Harry and I went to dinner tonight; afterward we went to a bar for a couple of drinks and during the time we were together talked about many things, including;

• moving in together;
• getting married;
• being together forever.

I think it’s a case of being so comfortable together that we can talk about all of those things, but God knows that’s really fast. Not that I was uncomfortable with it at all, although I did try to get across my view that we should see how we go and if we end up turning round in 50 fantastic years and saying “well, we never did get round to getting married” then that’s OK too. But he’s so romantic, and the way he described over dinner being together forever nearly made me ask for the bill right then. And it taught me I'm a nervous eater!

Still, should I pull back for the sake of appearances? I mean, if it feels right then we should go for it, yes? Actually I recognise the need to be at least a bit careful; I haven’t (fear not) quite abandoned the lesson I learnt not so very long ago. But Harry is definitely someone who knows what he wants, whether it is from his career, his life, or his boyfriend.

So where we are is that we are in a relationship, and it’s going to be exclusive. That’s fine by me as I really have no eyes for, no interest in someone else anyway.

Where we also are is (fly meets ointment: part one) my being measured against the yardstick of the dreaded ex. That’s OK, in a way that it really isn’t, but I’m quite clear and up-front about the fact I am not your ex! Example:

H: “are you on MSN?”
M: (thinking ‘Oi oi!!’) “why, yes. Yes I am” [flutters eyelashes]
H “my ex was always on MSN flirting with other men”
M [pause] “Yeah, but I’m not your ex.”
Divers alarums ensue

Yet, on the other had, he wants to take me to Paris in July, he’s threatened to pay me a special visit in the office, and he can’t resist tickling me. So maybe I can live with the odd rough patch for now.

Also (fly meets ointment part two) Harry’s medical training takes him to sunny Manchester from August for two years and we’re also discussing how we can accommodate a long distance relationship and the occasional need for him to work weekends, be on call, and do two 12 hour shifts back-to-back etc.

But, in the meantime, he’s still coming over on Friday; and he wants to stay all through Saturday too. I’ve explained I’m going to a party on Saturday and he should come with, but he may not; I’m still going to go but won’t stay too long and in the meantime he’ll have the run of my place I guess. Soon he’ll know all my secrets – and without my mystique what am I?

I’m his boyfriend.

PS watch this it's fab!!