But alongside these I work for the public sector in a semi-regulatory/governance role. I (mostly) love it to bits and my colleagues and I have developed a fantastic new service over the last year. But, to help manage its growth we have been writing a 40 page, 10,000 word business plan and the deadline we set ourselves to get it out was 3pm Wednesday!
Yet while Wednesday was set to be a really tough day at work anyway, we additionally had visitors from Australia coming in as the government of Queensland wants to set up a similar service to ours. The pressure really was on! However, they were really, really nice and I enjoyed meeting them, talking them through our work and the new systems we had developed over the last 12 months, and discussing solutions to common problems we face. They seemed impressed and I had some great feedback: I’m tempted to fly over there and offer my services...
I adore being busy and all the challenges (and freedoms) my working life presents me – before I came out I threw myself into my work a lot so finding the time and space to be in a relationship can be difficult. As can managing one.
Harry and I met on Wednesday evening as arranged, and went to the National Gallery. BUT (eternally present it would seem) the negativity I mentioned before was very much in evidence. I could give lots of examples, but it was essentially a repeat of the unending series of comments that neither invited a response nor formed part of a conversation.
After we finished with the paintings we went for a couple of drinks, and we ended up having a good time once I’d chilled out a bit; I needed to unwind after being on tenterhooks for the next comment. Not really surprising then that Harry said as he was leaving that he’d got the “wrong vibes” from me that night.
But that was the comment that finally prompted me to say that his negativity was really grinding me down and I genuinely didn’t know where we were going next. Words were had, right in the heart of Piccadilly, and we parted company.
I have not yet contacted him today, but I have been thinking about how difficult it is to reconcile how great this is ‘on paper’ with how hard it is in practice. This negative attitude is going to kill all the wonderful feelings I have and all the unbidden day-dreams of jacking it all in and heading off to Manchester to be with him, no thought about what I’d do when I get there, and no regrets about what I’d leave behind.
I’ve talked it trough with friends – good friends who have their own problems without me going on about this – and they’ve pointed out it may be cultural, and it may be related to all the things he’s been through. I accept that entirely but I work 15 hour days and study for professional qualifications; I have a full social life and a complex family. I love my life and there’s room in my heart, and arms, and bed for a man. I’m just beginning to think twice about whether it should be that man.
still keeping up?!