431 words or just three?

To Harry

I don’t know how best to put down in words the things I feel; I don’t understand what is happening to me. So I’m writing to try and explain to myself as much as anyone what is happening with my head, and my heart, and my… *ahem*.

I’m not the world’s most outgoing guy, and I am someone who’s introspective and thinks things through so you can guess how annoying it is that I can’t get you out of my head for even five minutes. Hence the need to write this thing, though you may never even read it.

Perhaps it’s the fact I’m always thinking of you that makes it most difficult to find the expression I need; like finding love when you least expect it I probably need a distraction to have the epiphany I’m hoping for. But in the meantime I can’t believe how often we talk and email and message each other. I miss you when you’re not here and will the phone to bring me your next call or text. Just having you in the same room would be heaven right now. And I couldn’t help but notice that today’s last text had four kisses on it rather than the usual three. Oh my.

It feels like there’s no-one else in the world for me. Though you don’t yet know this, I told my lover What’shisname as soon as I’d met you that I couldn’t see him again; and I broke off the other dates I’d arranged too. I haven’t looked at another guy since. But there is that last part of me that won’t jump off the cliff…

How is it that I feel I would walk away from my work, friends and life to join you in Manchester? How it is that I’m planning for Wednesday night, the picnic you promised me, Paris in July, what’s next after you complete your training all at the same time?

Perhaps it was wrong but I went online today just to test myself and see if I would indulge my baser side. It felt like a foreign place to me, a culture I could no longer understand; what I need is not there anymore.

It’s different this thing I we have found. I don’t yet know what it is. Will you hold my hand while I find out? In the meantime let’s go to the design museum and the Tate. Let’s have a picnic in the park. Let’s go to Paris, and have a weekend flat hunting in Manchester too. Let’s do everything...