Mr and Mr

Much Joy, Gentle Reader, Much Joy! The Cheerful Fairy is a Married* Man. And, conveniently, so is his Fella!

A surprising amount of things went wrong on the day! The suits were wrong; some guests dropped out literally at the last minute; I managed to briefly lock us out of the venue; the registrar came down with glandular fever; oh my!!

Nevertheless we managed to pull off an amazing day. I spent a significant amount of the ceremony reminding myself of the importance of breathing but I managed to get both of our names right and say my vows and the wording Fella had written for our exchange of rings without stabbing myself in the ear or setting fire to anything - this counts as a win.

Friends of ours made the cake, made the rings, and were the ushers; they all managed to do their jobs perfectly and I could not be happier with how perfect the rings are. The venue was perfect, as was the wedding breakfast, and the reception. I think everyone had a great time which was very important to both of us.

Well, it is done then. My Fella is all mine now, woo hoo! All we need now is a mortgage and a puppy and we'll just about have the full set.

My next post will be the Cheerful Fairy's guide to civil partnerships. In the meantime here's some pics of the venue before the main event!

 

(I'll put all the wedding pics in an album and post a link soon)

Six weeks...

There are but six weeks to go until Fella and I have our civil partnership. The planning and preparation, I must admit, are taking a huge amount of time – most of our spare time now! I do not know how we would have managed to get as far as we have without everyone involved getting on with each other (florists, caterers etc) and having friends who are helping out with big things like the rings, the cake, etc.
 

Still, the logistics are still somewhat daunting. For example, we need to let the registrar know in writing two weeks before the ceremony if we want to dispense with the kiss at the end of the ceremony. And the holistic interconnectedness of all things: the colour of the flowers affects the colour of the suit; the music we choose affects the order of the ceremony. And then there is what we may not do: no religious symbols; we may not bring the cake to the venue until the day of the ceremony;  and so on.

 

One thing all the planning and organisation has revealed is some of the funny attitudes people have about things. I’ve touched on ‘reverse discrimination’ before but the things people expect about our wedding, and things around it, have been quite an eye opener. In some ways it raises the bar for us a little [OOOO, I’ve never been to a gay wedding before!!] but it seems, gentle reader, that some people half expect us to go down the aisle on unicorns and Liza Minnelli is our celebrant. Whilst this may be true, it has been surprising discovering some of the assumptions people carry about.

We have, much to Fella’s annoyance, been various asked about our hen do; bridesmaids; and maid of honour. Now I need hardly point out to you the obvious but it is startling how many people need remind that we are two men, and as such we have entirely dispensed with the bride in our arrangements. Yet the ability of people to add two and two and get wibble seems insurmountable. It has proven a little handy, in that one of our friends has only been allowed the day off work on the grounds that she is a chief bridesmaid. Not wishing to look a gift dissonance in the mouth we’ve made her an usher.

For me, I’m just keen for people to have as much fun as possible without getting consumed into making every last detail perfect (for that way madness lies, wibble). It will be the people that will make it enjoyable. That and six weeks of intense dieting.

Booked it!

Well, gentle reader, we’ve done it: the venue is booked and we are well and truly in civil-partnership planning mode.

The 15 May marks our third anniversary and one year exactly until the ceremony itself. As I’m in the middle of exam preparation and dissertation research it has been difficult to find time to even post about it, let alone do anything but this is progress at last.

The next steps for us are to set up our marriage website (some friends of ours set one up and it really helps with RSVPs, telling people about the venue etc), and organise some save the date cards. And perhaps figure out where the mind-bubbling amount of money it’s going to cost us will come from. My initial estimate was less than half of what it will really cost and our reserve fund is looking stretched-thin.

Personally I have no real objection to just trotting down to the town hall, filling in the relevant paperwork, and taking all of our friends out for a massive party in town for about half the money but needs must when Fella is all romantically minded.

That of course makes him out to be Bridezilla which couldn’t be further from the truth; and I think we are very lucky to have a venue that is enthusiastic and helpful and will take on a fair bit of the organising (but, importantly, not decision making) itself.

We have a friend making the rings and another friend making the cake. Fella delegated these tasks without really discussing it with me, which is OK to a point, but fortunately I had a chat with the friend making the rings this weekend and she is very sound about making something appropriate and that we both like rather than going off in a creative frenzy. Cake lady is next!

The ceremony will be on a Wednesday so I am keen to get ‘save the date’ cards out to people sooner rather than later, particularly as his family will be travelling from Scotland and mine from Germany. There will be a fair bit of organising around accommodation and transport, which will be quite a large part of the budget – our plan is for any family staying over to be put up that night at our expense at a hotel close to the venue.

One other idea that occurred to me was also around the ‘theme’ of the wedding. One of the things important to me about it is that everyone has a good time and it is as relaxed as possible. This means, for example, that we won’t have ‘day’ and ‘evening’ invitations but people can come and go as they please (which also helps get around the work-day problem).

My idea is to theme it around all the fun times Fella and I have had with the invitees – photos and momentos of holidays, nights out, places we been and various adventures we’ve had together.  A good idea, don’t you think?

Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum

I can hardly believe, gentle reader, that it has been so long since my last post. Well, there’s been lots of stuff going on, not least the Cheerful Fairy becoming a human pin cushion. Half a dozen hospital appointments coming up which will no doubt provide a blog post or two.

However, that's not what I’m here to post about – no it’s weddings!

A few weeks ago Fella and I attended the civil partnership of a couple of ladies, H & P, and I have to write we had a fantastic time. They had clearly gone out of their way to make everyone feel they were part of their day and to ensure everyone enjoyed taking part too.

It was a triumph of organisation and we in the Big Gay Family responded with a willingness to party above and beyond the call. Fella lost his shoes; I lost a coat (that does tend to happen when the Big Kay Family gets together).  We got them back though, and in the process we were able to thank them for letting us be part of their special day. The venue, the ceremony, the reception were all wonderful. As H & P are teachers they had structured the day like a school timetable; the ceremony was Religious Education, the blessing was Assembly. And instead of flowers as the table centrepiece each table had its own type of sweets that people were encouraged to share.

One other thing we learned…

Fella and the Cheerful Fairy are NOWHERE. I mean, we know the date; we have a preferred venue; we’re going to wear clothes… we’ve done a tentative guest list – pleasingly more people than we thought.

But that’s it. We’ve been X years away for some time now but the truth is we need to get all the details done in six months, perhaps less.

Because, of course, we need to start sending out ‘save the date’ cards and then invites. And apparently that alone is a crucible of passion and intrigue that makes Lucretia Borgia’s weddings seem dull and uninteresting by comparison. People genuinely fell out over some being invited to the reception but not the ceremony! We were afraid.

Clearly we’re going to have to Bridezilla this baby up. A lot to think about and a lot to do. I’m glad we’ve had our eyes opened, particularly in such a nice way. I think we can look forward to a lot more posts about registrars and venues and stationery and wedding lists and honeymoons and menus and clothes and hotels and…

Invisible Boyfriend Redux

A short while ago I ran into the Invisible Boyfriend, for the first time in a long while. He was ever so nice; quite flattering really, telling me how lovely I was and how I was nicer to know than some other guys who wasted his time etc. In the end we agreed to meet again and the other weekend I went round to his place for a coffee.


It was exactly as I remembered it, from three or so years ago. Exactly. Unchanged. He’d just bought the place then and had big plans for the garden, and redecorating. I was keen to help as I recall, a Way of bonding and growing our relationship. Today; the swatches of colour are still on the walls and the project has moved forward not a jot.

I have no doubt he has been busy and he’s had his holidays and family dramas. It will be nice in many ways to develop a friendship (if it happens) with an ex (of sorts). He’s one of the few that has kept in at least intermittent contact, and being part of his life in some way has a pleasing element to it; I can be a good friend and more rounded person.

Still, gentle reader, there was a slight melancholy air to out chat. A ghost of an opportunity lost in the air, just tangibly putting a slight pall over things. I couldn’t help thinking about how my life has changed in the last few years; how many times I’ve changed jobs, relationships, house, and of course where I’ve ended up. Except of course it’s not an end – there is so much more going forward to look forward to.

What I sensed from the Invisible Ex was none of the forward look that I see in others. And of course that I hope I embody for us. I had been out of sorts most recently but have been feeling much better and more energised, mainly due to some changes at work that have presented some real new challenges but partly because it’s Fella’s birthday coming up and we have our holiday/visit to family planned.

I’m being a bit disparaging of the Invisible Ex, I think. After all one of the main issues was that he was too busy and self involved to really be who I needed those three-plus-years ago. It will be interesting to see how much we have both changed as we try to be friends. I certainly look forward to seeing who his real Mr Right is!!

Glass half...

This weekend Fella and I went to Brighton to celebrate the hen-hen do of two of our friends who will have their civil partnership in October. Fella and I drove down there on Friday afternoon, checked in, met our friends and spent the next 36 hours partying.


There is nothing quite like seeing a lesbian flail about in a giant floating hamster ball, going on a 12 pub crawl, or spending an afternoon dressed as a flapper girl to put a smile on the cheerful fairy’s face, gentle reader. We had a great time.

There were 30 of us in total, a fair number I had met, but naturally a great proportion I had not. A few gay men, a fair number of straight women – I met some nice new people and I look forward to seeing them all again in October for the actual ceremony.

Some of our friends were there too. Always good to catch up with some old favourites, including of course the hens. I was quite touched that each of them in their own way did for me a spontaneous act of kindness, from a great big hug to just checking I’m OK.

You see, although I had a great time I did realise, reflected perhaps in the concerns of my friends, that my mood has of late been very dark. You see, from time to time, despite my efforts to see things in a positive light, I will suffer from a period of mild depression.

A fellow blogger recently had his aura photographed; and I find myself wondering what my aura would look like right now. I have to confront the fact I haven’t been very happy for a while now.

Part of it is self-denial. Not having freedom of action will bring me down. I am very restricted in what I can do, job wise, money wise, even where I live for the next two years but all in a worthy cause of course.

Nevertheless, I have a nagging feeling that nothing is quite as it should be in my life; and that applies to my relationship with Fella too. There’s nothing specifically wrong, but I have a strange desire just to get away from it all by myself for a while. I suspect that’s my strong introversion reasserting itself as part of my mood. If I could change one part of myself (that I can’t change, I mean) then I would make myself more of a people person. There is a reason most of my friends are former schoolmates and current or former colleagues.

But I digress.

There is so much to be positive about; that’s what I need to remember. I’ve lost quite a bit of weight; I’ve passed my exams (hurrah); we’re going on a trip to Germany at the end of September. And of course the wonderful friends I do have.

I think a couple of days off, just here, to reboot my silly head and just have some quiet time is in order. In the meantime, you can look forward to some photos and YouTube gold of our trip!

Birthday

The world has turned and the Cheerful Fairy is one year older. My mid 30s approach with increasing speed.


Unfortunately on the day Fella was very unwell so I ended up looking after him; but the day before we had friends round for dinner and I took the day after as leave as well so plenty of time to relax.

Fella gave me a lovely antique art-deco clock c. 1930 – exactly what I had been looking for, for some time. My mother sent me some lovely framed paintings of the area she lives in (I got the hint, and we’ll be visiting toward the end of September). Friends gave me a home-made hamper of European food :-)

When it comes to birthdays I must admit my inner child does come out and I get quite excited to receive cards and presents. The inner child is normally suppressed by my inner teenager; and keeping him under control occupies my outer grown up fairy much of the time.

What wisdom can I offer up, gentle reader, now that I have turned thirty-something plus one? Not so much, really. I’m quite surprised things have turned out as well as they have! My middle-classed life in Strumpetville, ordinary though it may be, is (I think) the product of a few simple elements:

• Dogged determination – never giving up

• A positive attitude – seeing the glass half full

• Not letting innocence, or perhaps naivety, give way to cynicism

• Being open to new experiences

• Having a clear idea of what you want

• Leaving the ‘attitude’ at home.

It’s actually not easy to blog when you have a good job, nice home, great relationship, and caring family – it’s either dull or saccharine-sweet. But we persevere – life always has its ups and downs!

Still, that doesn’t matter because it’s MY birthday – as an aside this makes me a Leo which is double-plus fantastic, and gives me the excuse of partying for a month as well – and as usual I have enjoyed myself immensely.

Roar.

Return to Strumpetville

I’m back gentle reader, from my holiday to sunny Herefordshire. Managed to drive all the way there and all the way back without major incident – a definite plus.

The cottage we stayed in was lovely, and the weather we had was glorious. How towny we all are is shown by the fact we decided to walk to the nearest pub one night – and that walk took three hours. Indeed, a local farmer took pity on us and gave us a lift in the end.

There were seven of us in total, including me and Fella. Four straight women and three gay men. A combination that can have a great deal of fun, and perhaps inevitably watch a fair amount of gay porn.

Alongside the smut there were walks, canoeing, visits to picturesque towns, dinners out, nights in in-front of the fire, being chased out of fields by bulls... and just general relaxation.

Six of the seven of us are long-standing friends and we certainly were on top form – perhaps behaving a tad too disgracefully for the more refined and conservative tastes of the Welsh marches but I think a great time was had by all.

Now we’re back, and for me it is straight into exam season – my first is next Thursday. I was surprisingly good and did some studying each day on holiday but of course I feel as time draws on that I haven’t done enough. Fella will be a research degree widow for a wee while I fear.

What surprised me most was the gay porn thing. I never anticipated that would be a thing to bond over with the straight female ladies of the opposite gender. Certainly they were quite curious and the third gay man in the group – a housemate of one of the ladies, who in turn is a colleague of Fella – was happy to oblige (Fella didn’t really approve bless ‘im). I’m not sure they were prepared for the breadth of material on offer...

All in all, a group of friends disappearing off the grid for a week away together in a remote cottage has the makings of a decent horror film about it, but instead we had riotously good fun and I haven’t laughed like that for ages. I certainly don’t want to go back to work the week after next, and will certainly be thinking about my career options going forward.

Well, back to studying, back to my diet, back to work... back to reality. I am a little sorry for it, though the holiday was about the right length I think. Certainly I am looking forward to my next adventure, and soon!

Holiday!

One down and one to go...


Last weekend Fella and I returned to sunny Cardiff, this time with good friends to visit friend ‘A’ and her fella for a weekend. It was tremendous fun, but my God I am getting a bit old for this kind of thing – we returned absolutely shattered. An excellent time was had by all, and ‘A’ and her man made a huge effort to make us welcome.

Next weekend we are getting into our blue car and driving with some friends back to Wales for a few days of more ethanol fuelled R&R – this time in the countryside where we can enjoy being away from it all and generally forget about the world.

I really need it too. I feel so much that I need a break from my life at the moment. This is just what the doctor ordered... a couple of weeks off work, get my exams out of the way; something like a new start.

Overall I think right now I am truly vile company at the moment. Stress, mainly by the sheer volume of work I have at the moment, but also things that have happened at work, has been overwhelming. In a Protestant-work-ethic/stiff upper lip sort of way I try to keep my head down and do a good job without complaining. I suspect my stress has manifested itself in many ways; and certainly today my boss made me aware of what may be a significant error on my part – a disordered agenda; disordered meeting papers. Drama.

Why do I know I need a holiday? I have made an error and by and large I don’t care. Oh my!

A holiday; a chance to relax; build up my strength for what comes next. A change is as good as a rest, they say – it really is time to get another job.

The friends we are going with are an eclectic bunch, but mostly people I have met through Fella. In Cardiff it was friends he met through me. The seven of us will drive in two cars out from London onto the motorway, then onto the A road, the B road and out to our cottage in the Welsh... Wales (I have no idea what the countryside is like around there – we could be walking into a horror film).

I have high hopes – to be candid, gentle reader, I’m pinning in no small part my (short term) future happiness on having a good time in Welsh Wales. Kayaking! Pub lunches! Badger stamping! All I really want to do is get away.

I really want to get away.

Three days to go...

Chillaxin... hard

I had a thoroughly unproductive weekend, gentle reader. By that I mean that I did nothing at all but relax (and go to the supermarket with Fella for some supplies).
This week and next I have no classes, so I am taking full advantage the opportunity of doing nothing. It feels weird; when I write unproductive I mean it. I like to have done something each day, be it studying, cleaning, working... whatever. However, while I am still working to accommodate all the demands on my time I am conscious of the risk of burning-out; and without the prospect of a holiday any time soon it was probably wise to chillax and be confronted only by the problem of nothing being on tele.

Truth be told I don’t really like it. I become restless, suffer from cabin fever in a way. Nevertheless, once in a while it is necessary.

The need to get something done has, perhaps oddly, caused me to think about the work I do; my job. I am employed as a flexible resource flexing between roles, putting right what once went wrong and hopping that my next flex is the flex home... Currently I am business manager to a team that is implementing the Government’s new healthcare policies. The really means midwifing a whole new structure whilst achieving quite a difficult cultural change in an environment that politely might be described as brothlike, whilst suffering too many cooks. I manage a team of four lovely and extraordinarily capable ladies, one of whom is friend C who kindly followed me to my new role after we had worked together in my old one for more than a year.
The focus of my thoughts is my legacy, I suppose. How am I going to achieve the things I want to achieve in the six months or so remaining to me in this role? It’s a real challenge and most days I come home not really liking it! But it’s a fantastic opportunity and being a business manager sure opens doors. Plus I get access to very senior people indeed which is a great learning opportunity. And for my plans I have their support. So, what to do?

Instead of writing a list of things to do, I am writing a list of things to achieve. Any task I need to undertake has to be linked to the ultimate outcome. I have found this new viewpoint rather helpful. Instead if what I need to get done by the end of the day, I decide what needs to be done by the end of the week, say, and focus on what I deem necessary to achieve that.

My job is important to me and I don’t want to move on thinking I hadn’t done some good. I like to think since coming out I have had the same attitude in my personal life, though that’s less critical with Fella – the act of being together is the object, not a tool. Maybe it’s time to achieve that same... peace... in my work! In six months. In the meantime, how to keep chillaxin???

Kultur

One of the things I always did before I came out was to avoid gay culture. Or gay cultural references. By that I mean GLBT fiction, films like My Beautiful Launderette, 'The Scene', etc. I'd avoid focussing on the small number of gay characters in TV shows, or socialising in gay venues or with gay people.

Since coming out this is not an area of my life I have sought specifically to rectify. I've been too busy meeting guys for relationships and assignation and all that jazz... plus there has been an element of re-exploring my existing relationships and lifestyle in the light of my new found honesty. But, still, a part of my still found itself somewhat uncomfortable when confronted with anything... gay. Not the sexual side of things, by any means, not since coming out at least. But the whole being gay thing... a closed book to me I never made the effort to open.

I'm not totally certain why. It may be a combination of things; a real regret that I left things so late. A small amount of envy that my own experience was somehow less glamorous, happy ever after, or whatever... or lingering embarrassment about the whole thing maybe? Who knows.

Over the last couple of years I've been well blessed with the support for friends, particularly 'A', who have tried to involve me however indirectly with their gay friends. And I joined various networking groups like "Out". I even went to pride (which was fabulous). However, it was not until I met Fella and our two groups of friends began to coalesce that I began to have a significant pool of gay friends. And, of course, as part of that I began to be exposed to their interests and lifestyles.

Still, there remains a significant gap in the Cheerful Fairy's knowledge... well, the good news gentle reader is that it's time to do something about it!

On Wednesday Fella and I, and about a dozen or so of our friends – all gay (except my friend 'C' who is coming along too) – are going to see A Beautiful Thing at the theatre. It promises to be a good night out, but also it will be the first time that I've done anything like that with that kind of group. Fairly ordinary for them; fairly good for me!

Also, I'm going to read The Line of Beauty, which is a novel set in the 80s and revolving round a gay central character. It was adapted for television, and I'm told was fairly explicit; though of course I didn't watch it. It may well make uncomfortable reading, but I want to get more involved... more informed at least.

So that's two things. A start, at least. If anyone has any ideas for a third, then please let me know. I'm on the lookout now!

 

Anniversary part 1

As you will recall it is a whole year has passed since my gorgeous guy and I first met! Well, the details of how we celebrated – and didn't - are somewhat convoluted... yes, it's been a bit of a roller coaster ride and no mistake.

This all going to come across a bit Jekyll and Hyde I suppose. Forgive me, then, if it makes little sense. I have not planned well what I wish to post. But in no particular order, let us start at the beginning.

On the morning after the night before, as described in my last post, Fella and I Talked about his behaviour and there was marked disagreement about whether he had been a bit extreme. By the time we were due to go to Brighton I was quite prepared to NOT go to Brighton – So There! Still, we held it together long enough to meet our friends and in fact we had a lovely day in the town on the beach, going to the funfair etc. Fella and I snuck off for a great dinner, just the two of us, while our friends went out and about and then we found a bar to pass the last couple of hours until our train home.

So far so good. Sadly, however, Fella got very messily dunk and it proved so difficult for friends and I to navigate him toward the station we missed our train and there was much bad temperedness. It was pretty much at that point I decided something had to change. I talked to our friends while Fella slumped on his seat, and interestingly I discovered they had concerns about his behaviour also. I had assumed – quite wrongly – friends got him drunk, and left him to his own devices, causing no end of disapproval from me, as the piece-picker-upper in chief; not a role the Cheerful Fairy adapts to well. But I was mistaken. And that helped.

Helpfully friends talked to Fella and then he and I talked some more when we finally got home. Essentially, and shocking though it may seem, gentle reader (well, shocking timing if nothing else), I explained to Fella I at that time pretty much considered myself single if only as a way of getting perspective on what was happening and what was best for him. Me and our relationship going forward: even if that meant Not Being Together.

Of course by the end of the next day, Sunday, when we'd both had a chance to think there was much recanting and a reaffirmation of our ongoing relationship. Still a pretty crappy way of celebrating our first anniversary, no? I probably come across as a total dick – and suspect I deserve to. But something has to change, I feel. A lot of things, really – not least how I handle stuff and that. But more of that another time...

What Fella and I agreed was to treat Monday as our proper anniversary and draw a line through the weekend's events rather than under them. And absolutely Monday was as perfect a day as we could have hoped for, both of us coming out of pretty loved up indeed. Very much so in fact!

Well, I think that's probably confused you enough. I do wonder how fucked up our relationship must be for our anniversary to pass in such a way. If this is paper, what's gold – pistols at dawn? I'm not sure it should be quite like this. Answers on a comment-like postcard please.

And in the meantime, I shall post soon about exactly what we did do on our anniversary-part-deux and indeed something that on Monday we decided to do in a few months' time ;-)

Big Trouble in Little Strumpetville

Look up gentle reader; just a little. You see there, under the header? Those tags?? Yep, my blog's functionality expands ever more. There's something other than this blog of blogness; there's some good advice.

I've never given good advice, oh my no. I've occasionally hit upon a nugget of gold whilst spewing my stream of... consciousness on this blog. But not more. Nevertheless, I appreciate good advice and – very rarely – sometimes even act on it. And recently I received some stonkingly marvellous advice indeed from my good friends 'A' and 'F'.

So cogent and well written is this advice that I decided, with permission, to reproduce it on this blog BUT in an unedited form, thus making it very long for a post. The solution, but of course, is to show it in a page attached to the blog rather than embed it in a post. Simples, no?

You might like gentle reader, to read the advice after this post and comment on how marvellous and sensible my friends are. The advice itself is from Friend 'A' and was followed up with some cogent and well thought out supporting arguments from 'F'. Both have impressed me and I once again am in their debt. To cut a long story short I took the advice and Fella and I rebalanced our relationship somewhat through a bit of proper discussion and partly through taking a step back and trying not to answer all of life's big questions in such a rush.

Re-reading the advice I am struck by how clever and cogent 'A' and 'F' are, and how shamed I am by my own ability to communicate. I decided to publish despite my suspicion that this saga portrays me (not necessarily wrongly) as a hot-headed angst machine... For now, suffice it to say, I consider myself very very lucky I am to have friends like these. I am sure you will agree.

So what happened? Ah, that is a rather complex and tawdry matter and I fear it says more about me reacting to silliness than silliness itself. Nevertheless, deep breath, every-detail etc... here goes.

I don't really want to have children; Fella does. This is something that has, in passing, been acknowledged as Most Important Thing To Pose A Risk To Our Relationship And That We Have Consciously Not Discussed.

Yes, Not Discussed... So one evening recently Fella became quite upset. And not knowing any obvious cause I pressed him on what was wrong. At first he was reticent to discuss it but eventually he told me it was because he had decided that he and I won't have children, even though it's something he really wants.

And how did I react? By losing my temper really quite badly, really. A huge row ensued, based on my view that a decision like that would be better informed by a discussion with me; and in general it is wrong to make decisions about the rest of my/our life without consulting me. Also, I was an in many ways still am very hurt that Fella would consider me such a monster I would expect him to give up his dreams to be with me. I really, still, feel... How Could He?

Naturally, the night before was followed the morning after by the silent treatment. He does go in for the Silent Treatment from time to time, when peeved… again, rather than talking through issues with me. I know very well I am a p*ss poor communicator, especially in relationships, but I think the silent treatment is very unfair. I just end up sick with worry that he's had an accident, or something. In fact, as I've told [Fella], the silent treatment is pretty much a deal breaker for me. It is a stratagem against which I have no defence and indeed I become quite self-destructive, in truth, once it is deployed, so effective is it a button-pusher.

So much do I hate the Silent Treatment that it genuinely led me to believe, given the low esteem in which I was apparently held by Fella, that I should email an ultimatum suggesting simply end things then and there.

My mind at least had presence enough to ask of 'A' and 'F' their advice/comments/thoughts on how silly I was being, and in particular, on a scale of one to 10, one being a monkey flinging poo and 10 being the freakish love-child of Ghandi and the Blarney Stone, where on the communication scale would an email like that fall.

The reply? Well, look up gentle reader; just a little. You see there, under the header...?

He’s behind you!

... oh no he isn't!

With my focus on my upcoming anniversary with Fella, another has gone passed entirely unnoticed.

I refer of course, gentle reader, to outs. Two years my stream of... consciousness has assaulted your senses. Can you forgive me? I admire your patients. More than 330 posts have come and gone in all that time. Thank goodness for Fella, or who knows what else you might have had to suffer?!

Actually I hope the last two years haven't been too bad for you. Sine coming out I have tried to keep to a consistent heading of due Fun. Sometimes veering to Not Fun at All; but equally often drifting over to Oh My That Was Remarkable Fun Indeed.

Due to my tendency to hurl onto this blog whatever crosses my pink gin mind, the posts themselves are an accurate reflection of the broad experiences I have had. There has surely been enough time chewing the cud; I don't need to regurgitate past arguments again here. But the tags on each post have accumulated nicely, I think.

The six I have used the most are:

• relationships;
  
• dating;
  
• meeting men;
  
• sex;
  
• fella;
  
• friends.
  

(I put six because friends deserves to be included, no?)

That is a good mix, I feel. I am content. Things are in balance and life in Strumpetville has been going good.

As for the anniversary of Fella and I, my plans have been somewhat thrown by Fella's inadvertently booking a day tip to Brighton with friends on the day itself. Bless him, he feels terrible, but I'm going to go along and we shall have a nice lunch or dinner, just me and him. I think that's a start. That and presents! Also, we have the rest of the weekend and I suggested taking a day off either Monday or Friday to do all the other things we had tentatively begun to plan.

So stick with it, if it pleases you – I think the balance of the tags may change as times goes on. All part of the rich tapestry of being a Cheerful Fairy.

Queen Bee/Busy Bee

As you know gentle reader I do enjoy being busy. And for a change the cheerful fairy is a busy bee not because of work, but because of all the other things. Actually, since the election was called work has been incredibly quiet. A new financial year when there is no money and no-one knows who will be in charge in a month doesn't quite support the frenetic pace to which I have become used...

The weekend, for example, was very busy. On Friday Fella and I had a colleague of his and mutual friend over for dinner. I hadn't seen her for a little while, partly because my illness has disrupted our social plans.

On Saturday he treated me to a bit of culture – we went to see a play called The Little Dog Laughed. Fellow blogger Made In Scotland saw the play a few months ago and wrote his review then. The day we saw it turned out to be the last day of the run; I have to say from our perspective it was great and the cast appeared to have ironed out the issues MIS identified then. Tamsin Greig was excellent; though the male leads didn't really play with such depth she totally stole the show with her interactions with the audience (though none of them could sustain an American accent). On the other hand the male actors were hot hot hottentot hotties so it's all good.

The play was essentially about a Hollywood movie star considering coming out after meeting a guy and falling for him; and it was, naturally, quite poignant for me so I found it very absorbing. Very funny and very sad. It was very good indeed.

On Sunday I attend the Big Gay Flashmob outside Conservative Party Headquarters with Fella and a few friends. If perchance you are non-British, gentle reader, the Conservatives are the part of Margaret Thatcher. Not very socially enlightened. The party has a real chance of forming the next Government. It pays lip service to equality for homosexuals but it never quite rings true and there are scandals like the comments by a recent prominent Conservative who said, in essence, that in some circumstances people should be free to deny homosexuals services if they so wish (as a matter of personal or religious conviction). Also, the Conservatives are aligned in the European Parliament with some figures alleged to have very right wing views – anti semitic, homophobic etc, which jars with the weasel words on being gay for domestic UK consumption. The party isn't aligned with these people because it's anti-semitic; but they share the same views on preventing further European integration. I don't think that's good enough reason to restrict the rights of 10% of the population. You can see some of the coverage here.

Afterward we all went out for drinks and in Soho met up with various other people until it became quite a boozy affair – my favourite kind to be sure. It was really nice to be in a social group of just gay men. I don't do that enough. The conversation was predictably filthy; and it was a lot of fun.

So that was the weekend that was! All manner of gay stuff and a good mix too. Well, when in Strumpetville...

Maturity

Treat this post, if you will gentle reader, as part two. I will confess, due in no small part to your kind words, that I did not act on my earlier impulse of confronting Fella. No, instead I did a little growing up.

Growing up is something a Cheerful Fairy does tend to avoid. I can’t afford the wrinkles, at the very least. Immaturity has an allure I am loath to let go.

Yet here I am. An actual boyfriend to an actual boy.

POW. Cue epiphany!

Fella came home on Friday and he was dead tired. So much so I thought it was kinder simply not to mention it at all and to have a pleasant evening. And the evening became the whole weekend and it seems he was quite pleased to pay me as much attention as my little heart could desire. So as such the issue simply faded away. A lucky escape? Who knows.

Now, I know I came across as a bit needy and insecure when I posted my last post. That is probably due to being a bit needy and insecure. Well, at the moment I do feel a bit out of sorts. I’m still ill and there’s only so long I can be busy at work before I become a bit ‘tired and emotional’. The cure for that of course is to continue down the road I set for myself – study ,exercise, good lurvin *ahem*.

Also, there is only so long I can ignore the preponderance of good advice and observations I’ve received since starting this blog – the big, positive, unintended consequence of pouring out… well, whatever occupies my pretty little head at any point.

So, a bit of growing up. It’s part and parcel of a wider change. I’m tired of making plans but rarely realising them. I’m tired of trying to please everybody and ending up pleasing nobody – especially myself. There still needs to be a little further effort before I am all at peace with myself.

What has this to do with Fella and I? Well, we’re fine. I’m still not entirely happy at all about this step change in our communication 'regime'; but as a relationship develops this will occur and if he’s going to wind down our communication when we’re not physically together then so be it. This relationship will develop and elements of it will ebb and flow with their own strange tides; no Canute am I.

A friend pointed out to me today that I can MAKE the time to communicate with Fella because, in her view, I can become uniquely focussed when I want something. As compliments go, I rather like it. Now I just need to realise when I done got what I want; as, with Fella, I have.

Kreativ Blogger Award

Ah, finally some recognition. Well, it would seem there is a meme...

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award

Thanks to Nik the Greek. He has a funny blog that, as so many are, is better than mine. I linked to his blog after being absorbed reading his stories and seeing much of what I myself wanted to express therein.

2. Copy the award logo and place it on your blog

3. Link to the person who nominated you

Nik The Greek

4. List seven things about yourself that other people might find interesting

Ah well, there you have me… I can list seven things anyway. I am German; have a degree in physics; before I became an official fairy I had two long-ish term girlfriends; I intensely dislike being photographed; I had a dog named Pi; I have a fondness for white wine; I secretly think I have a really nice body!

5. Nominate seven Kreativ Bloggers

There are loads of blogs better than mine, a tiny fraction listed here are ones I particularly like.

Final Girl – an absolutely hilarious blog of a lady who reviews horror films for a living

Made In Scotland – a touching, funny and deep blog of a great guy living in London with his husband; a person top whom I owe many thanks.

Much Ado About Monty – a blog by someone on the other side of the world and ahead of me in the nice guy/gay guy/love and life stakes.

It’s All About Me – gay pagan who has adventures and seems to have a good head on his shoulders, as well as being another really nice guy…

Gay Socrates – a truly intelligent and in-depth blog of someone who has a lot of wisdom to share. Invaluable insights and feedback for someone like me

Love Gay Sex – a funny and well written blog of a gay guy in Southern England observing the facets of his life. Excellent reading.

The Coterie of Zombies – by a very talented artist, this witty and often dark blog is a doorway to all manner of beautiful and amazing ideas and images.

6. Link to their blogs – well,, you can do on the right here…

7. Tell them you’ve nominated them… done

Merry Christmas...

Merry Christmas, Gentle Reader...




Another year over with. Started with International, ended with Fella. I've moved house, been promoted, and started a proper boyfriend type relationship! Woo-hoo. 2009; had its ups abd downs, but will be always considered quite a vintage year.

2010 will have its challenges; health, wealth and happiness? Well, that kinda depends on me. But I'll discuss that nearer the time.

Today it was a hurried last minute shop, then I'm meeting Fella at 4:30 to get the train to his parent's house *angst*. Well, I'll tell you all about it when I get back.

For now, let's make this post all about you.

Thank you for reading; thank you for comments, advice and feedback. I do appreciate it!

And now, Merry Christmas. I hope you have a really great holiday, and I look forward to blogging at you in 2010...

November

November already! I really am letting my blogging slide. It’s something I’ve noticed of other bloggers who have entered long term relationships; but as their blogs are better than mine the relative paucity of my posts is less of a loss.

So, best start the month with a catch up, run down, and general summary of life in sunny Strumpetville since our sojourn to Paris.

I think starting with the worst; I have been increasingly unwell since we came back from holiday. I shan’t trouble you with my squishy organic symptoms. I’ve had some tests done and we shall see soon what it is that ails me. It could be any number of things, but the range of symptoms is too narrow to really suggest anything serious.

On the plus side the illness, unpleasant though it surely is, has left me with a much reduced appetite and a real aversion to alcohol and chocolate. What rare malady it is that makes me crave nothing but light salads. My weight loss is beginning to get comments!

Anyway… moving on; at Hallowe’en Fella and I went to two parties. One at a mutual friend – a gay female couple Kevin ahs known for ages but who have clasped me to their collective bosom. It was a double celebration as they had also recently become engaged to be married, which was fantastic news. I went dressed as the devil, cape horns and pitchfork. I was rather pleased with my effort. But after a could of hours we had to head home, because there was a party at my house too!

That was as expected. There were outrageous costumes and cocktails galore! There was also yet another new housemate, replacing the previous mystery housemate (keeping up?). He seemed very keen on me, so I had to try and avoid him for a while. Unfortunately his keenness has spilled over into the post-party world.

He’s another odd one [but of course]. Canadian and lacking in subtlety; my efforts to make clear I have no intention of sleeping with him led to an invitation to ‘just cuddle’. In our underwear. Hmmm. Or; not. I must admit to being somewhat bemused by tactics such as “come into my room; I’ve got something to show you *wink*” or “you’re cute. I’m horny”. Like an amazing diamond, the many facets of this house continue to dazzle!

So that’s where we are at the start of the month. This week I’m seeing Fella on Wednesday, and then we have friends over here for dinner on Friday. Later in the month we have, amongst other things another fancy dress party and of course I’m still in the throes of organising the trip to Germany. So forgive my scant attention to this blog, gentle reader: I promise there is plenty to come to hold yours !

Flowers

I had a pretty miserable night last night because Fella ignored my calls and emails both last night and today. I arranged first thing in the morning for some flowers to be delivered to him at his office; by way of an apology for making things difficult and checking that he was at least still alive.

He thanked me for the flowers. That’s a start at least.

I have a boyfriend who loves me and whom I love. That much at least is clear, whether or not we can still be together. But, and this gentle reader is the crucial part; he is what I think of as a ‘fair weather’ boyfriend. That may seem harsh, and I don’t want to appear to be insulting or abusing him when I post this. No, what I mean is he likes only the good times and simply isn’t interested when things are tough.

I know why – partly – and suspect why for the rest. His family of high achievers have, sadly (and this makes me very, very angry), quite a low opinion of my guy. I’ve always been impressed by his work ethic and intelligence but they seem not to see it. He gets enough hassle from them. I’m a bit of an escape. Also, I think his ex hurt him pretty badly. He won’t talk about it and I don’t push it. Not so much my business; but perhaps that will come out in time. He doesn’t want to go through that again. That’s understandable.

Nevertheless it is difficult to be allowed only a discrete range of emotions; how can we have the relationship I think we can have under those circumstances? I appealed to friends ‘F’ and ‘A’ today when I was at my nadir. They both gave me some good reassurance. ‘A’ made some pertinent points around communication being a two way street. I think Fella sure bet on the wrong horse if he feels I’m able to deal with that kind of thing forever!

So here I am, thinking hard and feeling a little foolish. It strikes me the solution is something in the middle ground. To take a step backward down the read we’ve both travelled down and, if there’s still a chance, rebuild. Creative destruction.

I’m not sure I could go back to being single again; fill the massive hole that losing him would leave in my life. I leapt off the cliff; and the ground may be fast approaching. But I’m willing to hit it if that is what I am left with.