Monday, 29 September 2008
On Saturday evening I had my exception that proves the rule date, even though I said I was going to take a month off – we’re barely half way through in fact: but as this guy was the only real prospect on the horizon I’m going to add it to the dissonance pile and carry on regardless (I know some of you think I’ve had quite enough ‘regardless’ to be going on with, but here we are).
Actually he and I got on really well. I know first dates only usually go on for a couple of hours but we met at 5 and didn’t part company till the early hours.
Being a small world I know this guy indirectly in three ways. Firstly, he’s the ex of a neighbour of mine. Secondly, he and International know each other vaguely. And finally his work brings him into contact with the former partner of my friend and former boss. Keeping up?
Anyway, at the end of the night we did kiss a bit, but Rule 1 won out in the end - it was a photo finish, though. Oh my, yes ;-)
Yes, it was a really good first date. We were so similar in our tastes and sense of humour we joked we may as well head to City Hall and get hitched right then! Well, all encouraging signs I think. Let us hope that there will be a date two. I’ve already asked him and he said yes, but then it’s gone a bit quiet… perhaps he’s changed his mind. Though I must say if that kind of first date doesn’t merit a second outing then I’m at a loss.
Academic stayed the night on Sunday but, on the down side, we ended things this morning. Mutually and with no hard feelings – we both agreed things had run their course; we really had very little in common and I suspect he found me a bit distant, which his only natural with International on the scene. I feel sad about it, but not distressed. It was the right time to call it a day.
International himself is delighted by this turn of events as he would like to have me all to himself. Somewhat selfish if you consider he already has a long term partner! Well, I still have Nick to console me – despite his annoying tendency to make a booty call in the early hours which plays hob with my sleep patterns.
Also, you may remember that my old lover new-V took me to a very special party in Brixton a while ago? Well, out of the blue I’ve been invited by the organisers to attend another one on Tuesday. But I’m not going to go. I didn’t enjoy the last one so much – an experience for reminiscence not replication. After all, maybe I am having enough regardless to be going on with.
Friday, 26 September 2008
I got my first pay from my new job today so I went out and bought myself a very cute alarm clock – a retro one with the two bells on the top. Expensive and gorgeous; much like yourself.
As for the rest, I do have some work to do this weekend but apart from that it’s all fun, maybe a bit of retail therapy tomorrow before I meet International. Then of course is my date. Academic on Sunday, Nick on Tuesday and jetting off into the sunset on Thursday.
I was talking with a friend – the one who was moving to Brighton but now has decided to join the Army… - about what kind of guy he was looking for and I realised I don’t really have a type per se. I tend to default to someone like me; and as I put it to my friend I’m desperate, not blind!
The age range I started with on various profiles was 28 to 32 (as I was 30 that seemed OK). Happy experience made me move to 25 to 40. Reality has seen 20 to 54.
A method suggested to me on OUT was half my age plus eight as a base (24) and then my upper limit would be someone else’s lower limit at 31 – someone aged up to *gasp* 46. That system works well it would seem – if you’re 18 (lucky b*tch), the range is 17 to 20. If you’re 50 it goes 33 to 84.
Anyway, I suppose it’s good to be open minded – I’m still finding out what I like really, though, rather than being open to anyone. I feel bad sometimes when someone expresses an interest but they’re not my type (see, I can do it gentle reader) and I feel terribly shallow for not liking, for example, overweight men. And I avoid ones with no ‘face-pic’. Bad, I know. But then I don’t like the pretty boys, overly camp gayers or bitchy queens. So, then someone like me. Perhaps my Mr Right is a man made of mirrors?
Let us then examine my lovers (oh what a thrill to write in such terms). All are white. Early to mid 30s. Medium build. My height or taller, but not much. Different hair colour, eye colour, etc. All are educated professionals. Personalities differ markedly; as do ‘styles. They range from the endlessly romantic to the entirely selfish. But they all have aspects that I like [well, d’uh] so here we are. My book is yet unwritten but still a spanking good read. I hope.
Well, I’m in too good a mood to derive any powerful insights today so I leave you with not one, but two [count ‘em] vids. Share and Enjoy.
Thursday, 25 September 2008
International himself skated on some very thin ice today when he demurred about my done-to-death sexual health check up. Not because there was anything dodgy about the results: far from it. But because he suddenly got an attack of cold feet when, as we talked, he (to paraphrase him) realised I was quite promiscuous and he only very occasionally strayed from the True Path. Why yes, gentle reader, it should come as no surprise that I sow my wild oats. I do resent, however, being made to feel bad when I take every reasonable step to guarantee a crop failure and double check just to make sure.
Fortunately he managed to stave off disaster by explaining how he felt nervous and somewhat overwhelmed; he rarely has affairs (for want of a better term). And I’ve quite swept him off his feet.
I called International’s boyfriend Ouch not out of disrespect but to emphasise the potential for some serious-bad fallout. Even through the jolly pink fug of my dissonance I dimly perceive I’m pushing the art of the possible when it comes to my protestations of honesty, and no wish to hurt anyone. My justification? International will never be my man, I’m not going to break them up. This won’t last forever. Yes, I may well be doing wrong. But I just want it.
And if you knew International you’d want it too.
We’re going to meet on Saturday afternoon for a coffee and to talk (not Talk, note: we’re OK). And then, next week, viva Espanya! Of course I still have my date on Saturday evening – and on Sunday Academic is in London, with me, so I can make up for being Mr Moody Pants last time. Actually he’s down here all weekend but is spending Saturday night with friends so that works out just peachy.
I was told recently that my life is over-complicated; and I’m sure it must seem this way. But the truth is I’m quite happy the way things are right now. It occurred to me that my sex-life has changed from a series of assignations, with the occasional bijou-boyfriendette thrown in, to a series of regular lovers of greater or lesser intensity. Is that progress? I haven’t missed the search for a boyfriend though I am, perhaps contrarily, all the keener to resume the search for Mr Right given my recent break…. Oh yes gentle reader; dissonance spanks it hard!
Wednesday, 24 September 2008
The first was how many gay couples came in today which was something I found oddly endearing; I imagine them using test results to help build trust and a relationship and… happily ever after. Secondly, however, was the feeling I should have done this a long time ago – not because it was fun, but because I felt very old to be doing this for the first time. Well, it had to be done but I wonder how many people of my age (not that I’m old) would willingly put themselves in the same position after all these years.
So what happened? Well, despite arriving at 8:30 I was ninth in the queue so it took an age to be seen (the TV in the waiting room went from GMTV to This Morning via the odious Jeremy Kyle show). The doctor saw me and examined areas no woman has been near for quite some time. Then, after discussing my convoluted recent history - where I was mildly amused by her insistence on Not Judging Me - I was whisked straight into counselling where a counsellor and I discussed (a) my naughtiness and (b) what happens should my naughtiness have consequences.
Then after being turned into a human pin cushion, and having swabs, samples and very uncomfortable scrapings taken, I was given as much of an all clear that I could be there and then and sent on my way.
Overall it took three hours and God knows it convinced me of the need to take double-plus care when on a diet of man-flesh.
One thing I didn’t take up was the offer of a hepatitis vaccination, which I regretted. Plus they couldn’t give me the HIV results that day. So I dropped in to a drop-in centre in Greenwich on the way home on Wednesday to get both (again negative, hurrah). The other drop in centre – Pitstop – was so much better (in fairness the NHS clinics are so stretched it’s difficult to imagine how they manage): better surroundings, more relaxed atmosphere. But rather less of the No Judging thing!
As a consequence I’m now being immunised every which way and I’ve been asked to sign up for a nine-step counselling programme to explore, essentially, why I’m such a slut. Well, not just that; relationship advice, why I found it so difficult to come out for so long etc etc – it might be very useful.
I’ve also been laden with enough leaflets to keep me going for a while. Did you know you can get hepatitis B from kissing? That 40% of gay men use poppers? That 15% of gay men in London are HIV positive? I was shocked by that - it means statistically several of my partners have been infected at some point. Sobering.
Your homework for the next blog post, gentle reader, is to read up on Cowper’s gland.
Monday, 22 September 2008
In the meantime, while my world still turns, International has invited me to join him in Spain the weekend after next for a naughty few days away. Impulsively, I’ve decided to go; blowing £ hundreds I don’t have on a last minute flight to the Iberian Peninsula. Oh my. How… well, romantic. I must admit the shine was somewhat taken off by International insisting I have to leave before his mum arrives (!) – something I haven’t heard the like of for about 15 years. But still, a long weekend on the south coast of Spain intertwined with my favourite lover. Don’t expect too many posts during those few days ;-p
As for the detox… well, I’ve sort-of fallen off the wagon gentle reader. I have a date on Saturday with someone who contacted me through OUT. My first date for a couple of weeks. Who knows what might happen? We’re meeting at 5 because I know either International or Nick will be making a call on my time over the weekend – possibly both – and I don’t want to end up rushing hither and thither across London at all hours juggling men and trying to keep up with my work (yet more clients today hurrah). Saturday’s date seems nice – well, he would, or I shouldn’t date him! But it was nice the way he broke his rule to contact me; so why not bend mine to meet him? To quote him “I'm quite good looking, but I am also relatively brainy and not without charm or humour”. Well, there we are then.
Perhaps it is time to meet more people. One of my many assignations, you see, has over time become a friend of mine - which is nice. However, I found out today that he is moving from quite near to me to live and work in Brighton. That made me feel a bit sad. Naturally our friendship won't end because of it. But we continue to flirt and reminisce and again I hope that won't end because he’s moved to the south coast of England; I shall certainly visit him and in the meantime I have suggested a suitable going away present *ahem*.
Sunday, 21 September 2008
Fortunately Academic was wise enough to give me some space over the weekend which was very sweet of him. I hope I made it up to him sufficiently; but if not I intend to treat – perhaps let him have that threesome he’s been pushing for. Well, he’s been such a good distraction he deserves a little extra ;-) However, I’m not sure when I can go there next as London demands most of my attention for the time being.
Regular readers might recall my weekend fling, at about the time I started seeing Gareth, with my near neighbour Nick. That fling fizzled out for various reasons but on Thursday Nick got in touch and asked to see me. He works in finance and has been having a tough time of if lately so I think he wanted a night of distraction – and that’s certainly what he got. This meant I had only two hours’ sleep between Thursday and Friday but it was worth it! I imagine Nick and I will be catching up again soon enough; possibly this weekend coming. Possibly before.
And then of course there’s International. It seems every thought of him keeps my red flag flying here. On Friday he and I met again in Soho, and things hotted up very nicely culminating in a tryst in the early hours just off Piccadilly Circus along a street that was not quite as deserted as I had originally hoped; al fresco once again. Hmm. Well, I get too excited to care and I suspect International is too excited by the possibility of getting caught. He’s back from New York on Wednesday and I’m on tenterhooks…
I revel in my three lovers and no boyfriends. This detox business has most assuredly put a spring in my step. International did confide in me his anxiety over my (in his view) greater experience; I think we can all agree, gentle reader, there is no basis for concern. I mean, the above notwithstanding, you don’t think I’m a slut do you gentle reader? Do you? I do know International would prefer to have me all to himself – as he is well aware that he does not. Much as I am consumed with passion for him and dream of us together in the night, something that burns twice as brightly burns twice as fast. And any night, be it never so full of desire fulfilled, must surely be followed by the next day.
In the meantime I have booked myself onto the Arse Class. Oh, yes gentle reader, on 18 October I shall be attending a workshop designed to teach us gayers about better/safer sex… I look forward to putting theory into practice; because practice makes perfect.
Thursday, 18 September 2008
I originally had plans tonight for a second date with one of the two who unwittingly were part in the Great Experiment; well, he cancelled – officially just postponed. Perhaps another time then, as we insincerely promised each other… and if that time is the second half of October then so much the better.
I confessed on Wednesday to my former colleagues that I had on a very small number of occasions had an assignation at work (though not with acutal colleagues). I didn’t dare reveal this or blog about it before lest I was sacked on the spot. The trysting place was an unused floor of the building and there truly was something very exciting it. Frankly, I missed the option today because I could have used the relief. The messages between this Tuesday guy and I have me getting very hot under the collar, gentle reader.
Tuesday’s guy: let us christen him International (as in Man of Mystery). He claims a need for discretion because he’s a public figure – and in fact next week he’s at the UN; thus explaining his need for urgency. He strongly suggested taking me to New York on Monday but I think I spy a little fib to help crowbar my pants off.
Well, we’re meeting on Friday in Soho. I know* we’re never going to be boyfriends, as ‘Ouch’ is still around. And I’m not infatuated – but he really makes me horny. Sorry, gentle reader, but the physical side, and in truth the promise of the physical side, is incredibly intense.
I sort of understand where this is coming from. International and Ouch have an age difference of 15 years or so and International – the younger party – feels the romance is gone from their relationship. Hence his intense physical side with me [pop psychology, anyone?]. He’s going to stay with Ouch but enjoy the thrill (if I’m not flattering myself) of being with yours truly.
Well, that’s what I think – and I’m fine with that. Considering the ongoing detox it’s nice timing really!
In other news I have finally booked a sexual health check up at my local GP surgery, though I must admit the receptionist at the surgery seed to have a little trouble grasping exactly what I needed, so I remain not 100% convinced of what’s going to happen next Tuesday – you’ll read it here first though!
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
So far so good on the detox – no dates…
Well, OK; both the guys I’ve written about before (one from OUT, the other from gaydar) want to meet up. I’m stringing things out as long as possible – there are still 26 days to go after all.
I should, I suppose, take the time to think about what I really want but it’s hard right now as I Kissed A Boy last night (and I liked it). Mmmm. Distraction.
Yes, last night I went for a drink with someone I met from, you’ve guessed it gentle reader, OUT. It was meant to be just a sociable thing – we’d been discussing going running together and so on. It was not a date. We met in Barcode in Vauxhall and essentially really hit it off – helped by a fair amount of beer if truth be told. And, as the night wore on one thing led to another and…
We were all over each other right the way along the Albert Embankment; anyone at home in Lambeth Palace in particular will now require little imagination to understand exactly what it is they disapprove of. What the hell; is that so terrible?
A good kisser, especially one who likes to publicly AND who knows how to work that special area on my neck… well, he holds the key to the tradesman’s entrance of my Magic Kingdom and no mistake.
It really is amazing how horny he’s made me. I haven’t been this turned on by a guy for some time. Certainly our exchange of messages today hasn’t helped keep my mind off him at all. What can I say? He’s just gorgeous – seriously – intelligent and incredibly ‘sorted’. Virtually as perfect as I am not. Perhaps he stimulates me so as I see who I should be and want to become?
The down side – well, it’s a big one. In the form of the boyfriend of 11 years. Ouch. Still, they’re, to quote: “mostly monogamous… but I need my freedom”. I wouldn’t dream of even trying to usurp – that would be bad and wrong, and fly in the face of what I myself hope to achieve with Someone someday. But, I shall operate my dissonance filters at maximum capacity and definitely see him again. He himself (the exhibitionist that he is) suggested a venue called Nudity. That sounds like a plan!
In the meantime I took part online in a sexual health survey that quite shocked me. I’m at or near the bottom of virtually every one of the ‘activity’ based questions. Though I'm careful and hence pretty sure I'm disease free (time for a check-up though) it did make me feel like a bit of a tart. If you live in England, Wales or Northern Ireland then take the test yourself – their website also has lots of useful info (and the inadvertent pointers toward certain websites and magazines are much appreciated too ;-p )
Sunday, 14 September 2008
One day into my man detox and not one, not two, but three guys - oh my!
Where to begin? I spent most of today doing various things around the business; including, joy of joys, getting paid by two different clients. As most of my clients like my work they tend to recommend me to friends and colleagues and this is no different so one of the nicest things is I now have new leads for future business.
Anyway, after sorting that out I jumped onto gaydar as I sometimes still do to see if there’s anything doing. To my surprise I had a message from a guy whose profile I looked at recently but whom I did not follow up. It was a nice message humorously complaining about the fact I had not pursued him despite him being perfect for me etc – so of course I had to reply.
Similarly on OUT This morning I had a lovely message from a man who claims never to do this sort of thing but was so enamoured with my loveliness [naturally enough, I would suggest ;o) ] that he just had to get in touch. And, again, I just had to reply.
Well, in my defence I would argue that, man detox or none, to not reply would simply be the height of bad manners.
As for the third guy; he too is from gaydar and we have been dancing round each other for quite a while. Today he finally took the plunge and suggested that we meet up this afternoon. And what did I say? Well, I said no. Or rather: not right now. I’m not sure really why. I think, in truth, because he is insanely good looking and I’m feeling a little frumpy at the moment – my new job has prompted a minor attack of acne [Yuk!] and whilst not serious at all it has made me feel somewhat self-conscious.
Here I am justifying why I didn’t just jump into bed with someone… how times change! Though I am going to go back to using gaydar, I have decided, a little more frequently for the time being; just because I don’t want to do the boyfriend thing right now, doesn’t mean I don’t want to do…
If the worst comes to the worst I’m sure these first two guys can wait four weeks to meet – we’ll be in touch in the meantime no doubt. However, the man detox remains in force!
Saturday, 13 September 2008
I think I’ll be seeing him again…
Is the Academic boyfriend material? I have, in fact, 99% decided not. There is neither Soldier nor Justice flanking this Lover; but a fine lover he remains and one I shall keep, trophy like, for the time being.
In Germany you have to pay a religious tax, or tithe, of about 5% of your income – unless, that is, you can prove that you are an atheist. It seems somewhat Kafkaesque to have to prove the absence of a something that is in itself the acceptance of a thing without proof of the thing: a requirement to demonstrate you have no faith. It occurred to me that the religious demand faith in God but sometimes neglect the argument that God demands that we have faith not only in Him but in each-other. Let he who is without sin throw the first custard pie, people in glass houses might occasionally want to close the curtains etc etc.
Well, I have enormous faith in people. Sometimes too much. Sometimes, because I’m human, too little. I’m very shy (honest) and almost never trust; but I’m often touched by the random acts of kindness that I see every day, and how – as I’ve written before – when you smile the world smiles with you. So then, it is not disappointment, bitterness, an unwillingness to make that leap, or – heaven take all arguably reasonable steps to forefend – a broken heart that makes me do this, but simply the need for a holiday.
For one month from today there will be no dating, no searching for a boyfriend, no looking for Mr Right. Just a holiday. It is in fact six months to the very day that I started this blog, so I suppose that works. But (here’s the science bit) over those 26 weeks I’ve dated an average of 2.6 men per week and slept with just under half of them of them. So a break is in order, no? That doesn't mean no sex, of course - for the devil makes work for idle hands ;-)
Believe me though, gentle reader, in one month I shall be back in the saddle continuing my look for Mr Right.; because I do want a boyfriend and I don’t accept that not-looking is the only way to make him magically appear. To paraphrase a character from one of my favourite films (V for vendetta) I will have roses, and apologise to no-one.
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Well, I’m done with the domestic goddess routine. The Academic can take it or leave it. I managed to get rid of some old clothes too – now that I’ve come out I can’t keep going around in the same old rags now, can I?! Which reminds me – it’s dress down Friday tomorrow. What a dreadful idea. I like to dress up smart and wear my posh-frock to work. A well tailored shirt certainly 'does' and suits certainly suit.
Today I have two new friends on Facebook; one of whom is a fellow blogger and the other a lady I went to university with and haven’t seen for years and years. It’s great to catch up with people after all this time; what is and what might have been etc. On a sadder note (for me) one of my oldest friends (met at High School!) is heading off around the world soon and though we’ll probably meet up before they go I will miss them. I’m trying to get them to start a blog; and then we can share their adventures together, gentle reader!
All this change… I’ve really been feeling on edge for a little while. Like… something’s going to happen. Like it’s spring. I don’t know what it is. I am very much looking forward to having the Academic over to stay; that certainly has put me in a good mood. And generally getting things done is quite uplifting for me too; Lord knows the flat needed the attention! Making new friends is always fun. I’m getting my five portions a day. The weather’s been dreadful - but on the other hand my new moisturiser promises younger looking skin in but four weeks… And sometimes when you smile, the world smiles with you. But I don’t think it is any of those things. Perhaps I’m getting an inkling of how lucky I am. Well, some insight couldn’t hurt.
Whatever ‘it’ is, it’s to be enjoyed while it lasts. In the meantime double-plus hooray for snuggles and smooches and all the fun you can have with a man. I’ll tell you all about it on the next post.
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
And in celebration of the calorie burning feat I had a salad for dinner, though I took the shine off that with a lurvely Australian Viognier yum yum yum.
I may yet have to manage the Academic’s expectations of Chez Moi; possibly with mood lighting but certainly with other distractions… though he is a filthy beast, gentle reader (leather, poppers, porn, bondage, threesomes, masks – I only go so far with these things myself, so it can be hard to keep up. Or not, pardon the pun ;-) )
Is he, then, after four dates and some serious bruising boyfriend material? Well, try as I might there’s nothing not to like about him so let’s see how it goes. In the meantime I have a hard-won second date with Captain Thursday, next Thursday – though getting it was like pulling teeth. So much so it’s quite taken the joy out of it for me, though I like a challenge and will put on my most seductive eyelash fluttering poses; Hogzilla in voluptuary guise. Mr Saturday sadly does not want a second date, fool that he is. I may demand that he introduces me to all his single gay friends as compensation.
Truth be told his “let’s just be friends” bit did annoy me somewhat. While I am today much better than ever at finding men I like, the subsequent knock-back becomes ever harder to bear. I try to turn my face to the sun, but my friends are generally encouraging me to take the much-delayed man-detox I’ve been promising myself. I think they’re right.
Speaking of friends; a very recently acquired ‘gay’ friend (I probably should stop classifying friends according to their sexuality) has invited me to be his running partner which is absolutely ideal given my quiet inability to shift further weight – next week the programme of wheezing and spluttering should begin in earnest!
And to end, an idea!! I read an article in one of London’s many, many free papers about a guy who handed a woman whom he saw on a train - and he liked the look of, - a note telling her how attractive found her (but without contact details etc – just a nice note). I’m really taken with the idea, and the story really cheered me. So on the basis that there’s no harm in spreading a little sunshine about, I might just steal it. Postsecret-Plus, let us call it. A new hobby, perhaps. A bit of fun; a speedy route to a black eye. High jinks!
Monday, 8 September 2008
I wonder sometimes where time goes. Today I had work, then chased - as I seem ever to do - clients for actual payment, had a delivery as soon as I got home, needed to clean the place up as I’m having the bathroom retiled, then whilst baking a cake and preparing my lunches for the remainder of the week I did some of the work I brought home with me… and it’s still only Monday.
Well, fortunate then that this week I have no dates! Well, not till Friday at least. And if memory serves this is about the second or third such week where I have been man free since I started this blog. So I’m going to have a little break: a mini-man-detox if you will. Not the full man-detox that August was supposed to bring, but that month was when Gareth swept me right back onto my feet; so perhaps a little quiet time is overdue.
As for Captain Thursday and Man Saturday, I’ve invited both of them for second date next week, not this, and if that goes nowhere then so be it. I’ve done all I can; certainly [hopefully] neither can have serious complaint and in the meantime I’m not looking for anyone else.
Also, I’m on the next phase of my diet which is very restrictive. No alcohol, no men… all work and no play makes this a dull blog! But the mundane over mendaciousness for the time being, be you never so indulgent of my whims gentle reader. Well, there’s still retail therapy and catching up with my neglected friends...
Rescue comes in the form of the Academic yet again; this time he’s coming to me on Friday and heading back Saturday. He got a bit bruised by our antics last weekend but he’s well on the mend, so it’s looking like a fun couple of days ahead. Of course I now have to clean the place from top to bottom and generally make good the flat, but that never did me any harm!
Yes, date four for me and the Academic. I have developed a certain fondness for him over the last few weeks. For a while there I was keen to try having two or three boyfriends on the go, but with my history that was probably a bit of wishful thinking! I may just stick with the Academic, who knows? We shall all have to wait and see.
Sunday, 7 September 2008
I'm back from Saturday night and most of Sunday with the Academic. I arrived at about 7pm on Saturday night, and he’d cooked a sumptuous dinner whose courses were interrupted by lots of double-plus naughtiness (I didn’t want to wait for chocolate cake). Then a lovely long snuggly lie in on Sunday morning before even more naughtiness and an afternoon in front of the tele’ with more snuggles and – gosh - more naughtiness till it was time for me to head home.
He’s quite the fetishist, the Academic, but nothing too sinister in his tastes so it was a bit of fun to indulge him. As you might have gathered, gentle reader, I’m aware of what I like and he fits the bill very nicely! Still, next time he’s going to have to come down to London so I can play the host and then indulge him all the more.
Saturday’s lunch date went very well – it was a salad, the National Gallery, and then some window shopping on Oxford Street. He had to get back about the same time I needed to catch my train so that worked out rather well. We really hit it off actually. He and I met through Parship which is, unusually, all done with psychometrics – no username, no pictures. This is the first time I’ve had a sense that it works; I think whatever happens he and I could be great friends! But I’d like to see first what 'whatever' might be…
As for Thursday’s fella: very quiet on that front. A few messages back and forth but tonight it seems he’s out to dinner, and we’ll catch up tomorrow, so that would be yet another imposition on my finite patience. Hmmm.
Actually, it’s not that bad. A while ago, though I never blogged about it (there have been a few!), I had a nice assignation with a local guy. Anyway and we recently go back in touch. It was a bit bizarre – double take “hang on – I know you…” but I’ve found before it’s a small world. Well, he kept me entertained on Sunday night, and who knows? Maybe we’ll hook up again some time.
On the serious side I don’t really enjoy the nervous “does he like me? Will he want to see me again” side of things, which is why I sometimes despair at how many guys just can’t seem to say “It’s not you; it’s me – I’m the one that doesn’t find you attractive. So thanks, but no thanks.”. This really is why I was craving distraction and entertainment tonight; the affirmation that would bring. I’m in the mood to indulge myself a bit right now - so impatiently here I sit and wait, I sit and wait…
Friday, 5 September 2008
Now that that’s that and out of the way, let me tell you the results of my Experiment!!
On Wednesday I had the second date with the Academic. After a quick drink in a pub we went back to his place for dinner. And dinner was followed by muches smooches, as these things so often are, and I must admit that despite my best intentions I did let him [make him] take me upstairs for some post-prandial naughtiness too.
Yes, it was all very nice. The Academic is a great kisser; it is rare for me to have to stop someone doing something because it’s too good! But with him… well, he could have taken me kitten-stomping afterward and I still would have enjoyed his company. So naturally my clothes fell off.
Was the experiment a success? Well, on Saturday evening I’m travelling up to Banbury again to spend the whole weekend! I do hope the bad weather currently battering Britain doesn’t interfere with my travel plans. We were originally going to see each other next Thursday, but we brought it forward… because sometimes it’s nice to be naughty.
On Thursday gone there was a date with yet another guy met through OUT. As mentioned previously he and I had been flirting for weeks and when we met we did have a good time. We ended up going to three different bars and I must admit I got a bit tipsy, so some smooching was as far as it got – we did in fact shock an elderly couple with our antics after I walked him back to his bus stop.
So, again, another success – of sorts. I was/am worried that it would/will be a one-off date but it seems he wants to see me again too (we exchanged a few messages on Friday). Much as I’d love that, we shall see. He’s scarily like me, and we’ve had very similar life experiences - came out at the same age and so on. However on blanace I just don’t know; I couldn’t really tell whether he ‘liked’ me or not, so at the moment I’m trying to put myself in a mental space where I won’t be too disappointed if things don’t progress any further.
Nevertheless things overall are looking pretty fine. Especially if you consider I’ve been averaging about five hours sleep a night with this new job – I did bring papers home to work over the weekend before my plans changed. I can work on the train at least!
But before I go up to Banbury again there is – what are the odds? - another date to be had with someone I met through Parship. We’re having lunch in Soho on Saturday – well, I have a few hours to kill between swimming and catching my train, May as well make them man-hours! So I reckon there'll be more to report after the weekend, gentle reader, may yours leave you walking almost as funny as mine will.
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
When reaching a milestone of this magnitude it is sometimes expected that one reflects on the past and considers the journey from there to here. So, at least in part, I want to use this post to go back to where it all began: Darren.
Darren encouraged me to start this blog, explore my sexuality, come out to my friends and family; he was my first proper boyfriend and I fell in love with him. Come to think of it, it’s almost a year since I gave in to his pursuit of me…
Of course what I didn’t know at the time was that his encouragement of me to head out on my own was his effort to distance himself from me. He really didn’t want me; I was rebound boy.
In many ways it was one of the best things that happened to me. Out and proud! Ooodles of sex! Today I’m happier and healthier than ever! I wish I’d come out years ago! There was also the dark side to our relationship, equally symptomatic of our incompatibility. The blazing rows, leading to smashed furniture and even smashed walls; and (though I never posted anything about that before) toward the end his tendency to use his fists to end an argument. Only a couple of close friends knew at the time and they were quite clear it was not OK. But I was OK with it – I’m certainly not claiming serious or sustained domestic abuse, which is one of the worst crimes. It was part of who he was, I thought, though I could never raise my hand to a partner or friend in anger. Of course it just showed he didn’t love me at all; and that he was a very unhappy man.
Breaking up – well, being unceremoniously dumped – was really rough. I haven’t cried so long or so hard before or since. A part of me is frightened that the reason I get so easily infatuated with one guy or another is that I really am looking for a quick fix to plug a Darren-shaped hole in my life; I never gave myself time to be broken hearted; never sat down and worked out what I want from a man, relationship, or even being single. Instead (rightly or wrongly) I was straight back on the horse, and rode that horse to Datesville.
And here we are, 100 posts later. Two dates pending, two other guys who’ve got in touch with me, and another one who’s recently caught my eye. Datesville is surely more fun than Dumpsville; you see I really do want to find that special someone, to love and be loved. And I do worry about being unlovable and spending the long days of my life alone. I suppose, when single, who doesn’t?
I hope you’re not alone gentle reader, and that you have strong arms to be swept up in, soft lips to kiss, deep eyes to gaze into and warm sighs in the night to look forward too...
Yes, I've embedded this once before, but it sums up the mood.
Monday, 1 September 2008
I started the new job today. I have a sore throat and a bit of a temperature; and I got a bit flustered on the way there as my train was very delayed and they closed the footpath on Westminster Bridge - meaning I had to play a few rounds of “Oh yeah? We’ll see who rusts first” with the traffic to get from A to B. But at B I did arrive, only a meritorious four minutes late.
I have a nice large desk in a nice large office. House of Fraser beneath me, a roof garden to the left of me, views of the most valuable real-estate in Christendom to the front of me. Very nice.
And on top of that four new clients hard on the heels of each other today – very exciting – plus a good (gay) friend of mine is keen to change jobs so I helped him with his CV; and of course my endless pursuit of man-flesh continues unabated.
Yes, a busy day! It means I haven’t really had much of a chance to have any real me time, but I love being busy so that’s just fine. Especially if it helps to pay for trips out to Banbury, and nights out in London.
And as if there wasn’t enough to occupy me, gentle reader, I hit today apon a scheme so cunning my head would explode if I even began to understand what I was thinking about.
I have (let te deums be sung in every church in the land) a second date with the Academic on Wednesday and for various reasons things have been pretty chaste so far. This business with the previous guy has got me feeling somewhat reticent about whether or not I should let things progress to sex when we meet. I’m not staying the night and it would be nice to see how things go with this one… of course, I can get far too excited to care (he is a very passionate kisser which is a double plus turn-on for me) so who knows?
But, I also have a date on Thursday. I have been exchanging texts messages with this guy for a while now and they have taken on a somewhat adult character of late – well, blisteringly pornographic really – with no real end in sight. I think it is fairly clear that we will meet at a ‘scene‘ venue, and pretty quickly heading back to his place for… naughtiness.
That, however, makes me wonder whether this will be a one night stand and like so many men I’ve met off OUT he’ll just be out to get what he wants. Hell, I’ve been dumped four times since this blog began – I’m allowed to be a bit uncertain.
So this is the experiment: one guy gets chaste, sweet, innocent good Mike. The other gets naughty, horny, better Mike.
The results will be announced in due course, gentle reader. In the meantime, apologies to Family Guy, and watch me weep for my cruel fate!