Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Anniversary part 1

As you will recall it is a whole year has passed since my gorgeous guy and I first met! Well, the details of how we celebrated – and didn't - are somewhat convoluted... yes, it's been a bit of a roller coaster ride and no mistake.

This all going to come across a bit Jekyll and Hyde I suppose. Forgive me, then, if it makes little sense. I have not planned well what I wish to post. But in no particular order, let us start at the beginning.

On the morning after the night before, as described in my last post, Fella and I Talked about his behaviour and there was marked disagreement about whether he had been a bit extreme. By the time we were due to go to Brighton I was quite prepared to NOT go to Brighton – So There! Still, we held it together long enough to meet our friends and in fact we had a lovely day in the town on the beach, going to the funfair etc. Fella and I snuck off for a great dinner, just the two of us, while our friends went out and about and then we found a bar to pass the last couple of hours until our train home.

So far so good. Sadly, however, Fella got very messily dunk and it proved so difficult for friends and I to navigate him toward the station we missed our train and there was much bad temperedness. It was pretty much at that point I decided something had to change. I talked to our friends while Fella slumped on his seat, and interestingly I discovered they had concerns about his behaviour also. I had assumed – quite wrongly – friends got him drunk, and left him to his own devices, causing no end of disapproval from me, as the piece-picker-upper in chief; not a role the Cheerful Fairy adapts to well. But I was mistaken. And that helped.

Helpfully friends talked to Fella and then he and I talked some more when we finally got home. Essentially, and shocking though it may seem, gentle reader (well, shocking timing if nothing else), I explained to Fella I at that time pretty much considered myself single if only as a way of getting perspective on what was happening and what was best for him. Me and our relationship going forward: even if that meant Not Being Together.

Of course by the end of the next day, Sunday, when we'd both had a chance to think there was much recanting and a reaffirmation of our ongoing relationship. Still a pretty crappy way of celebrating our first anniversary, no? I probably come across as a total dick – and suspect I deserve to. But something has to change, I feel. A lot of things, really – not least how I handle stuff and that. But more of that another time...

What Fella and I agreed was to treat Monday as our proper anniversary and draw a line through the weekend's events rather than under them. And absolutely Monday was as perfect a day as we could have hoped for, both of us coming out of pretty loved up indeed. Very much so in fact!

Well, I think that's probably confused you enough. I do wonder how fucked up our relationship must be for our anniversary to pass in such a way. If this is paper, what's gold – pistols at dawn? I'm not sure it should be quite like this. Answers on a comment-like postcard please.

And in the meantime, I shall post soon about exactly what we did do on our anniversary-part-deux and indeed something that on Monday we decided to do in a few months' time ;-)


Nik_TheGreek said...

I'm sorry your day was like that. I'm glad though you discussed the issues that needed to be discussed. I hope it is for the best...
take care of yourself

headbang8 said...


No matter how much you love someone, you don't need to tolerate intolerable behaviour.

Even if we make no moral judgement about messy drunken-ness--face it, who hasn't been there?--you don't need to tolerate the intolerable, day in, day out.

It messes up your life. I suspect that it messes up the Fella's life, too.

Alas, you have no power over the second mess. You DO have power over the first. And a moral right to insist your authority over it be respected, and your own happiness be a priority.

I don't want to sound like a broken record, Mike, especially since it's none of my business. But if you call into an Al-Anon meeting sometime, you might be surprised at what you hear, and what rings true in your own situation.

Love and respect to you and the Fella.

Mike said...

While I do think Fella's behaviour does need to change - and behaviour from us both poses the greatest Risk to our relationship - I am not convinced Fella is an alcoholic in that he needs to drink. I have some ideas about why he does the things he does; let m know what you think when I post those; your insight will help me think those through :-)

Antony said...

Hola Mike from Benidorm! I´m playing catch up on the blog posts, so please bare with me.

It sounds like Fella doesn´t know his limit on the booze front and needs to find it - sooner rather than later.

Alcohol like any drug has good effects (being more chatty, loosing up, etc.) and bad effects (vomiting, fighting, arguing, staggering, memory loss, etc.).

The idea is that we use alcohol for the good effects and stop before to many of the bad effects start showing. Think of it as kind of scales, good on one side and bad on the other the idea is your limit is when they are balanced.

Perhaps it´s worth having this conversation with fella.