Friday, 14 May 2010

One hand clapping

So here I am. Fella is asleep; in a few short hours it will be our anniversary, true and proper. One whole year!

Much as I adore him I find myself wondering sometimes if it wouldn't be easier... to take all those opportunities for an affair, or just a casual fuck or three. I worry sometimes I still skirt that old world, not quite ready, willing or able to divorce myself. Am I just with him to spare his feelings. Whoops! Roll on the next 60 years...

Perhaps I'm being too harsh on both of us. Neither of us is perfect – and I wouldn't want us to be. But right now he's either manically happy, devastatingly sad, zombified or paralytic. None of those four states is overly pleasing. The highs and lows, stops and starts make one hell of a roller-coaster but sometimes the ride gets a bit much.

Tomorrow we're up early; off to Brighton, the first phase of our plans gets put into action. He won't remember tonight's events , he never does the morning after. I do hope the sun is shining, gentle reader: he won't understand if it's gloomy. So I must ensure it never is even though I remember everything.

He gets so unwell my default state is one of fear. Is he OK? Is he alright?? He's asleep now, frowning deeply as if his sadness infects his dreams. I wonder if he dreams what I'm typing? I wonder if I can get the blood out of the carpet. I wonder if the rest of this inferior Chardonnay and a bit of Dr Who will let me get any sleep tonight at all?

I adore my man. I'm so pleased we've got to an anniversary. I'm living a dream I barely dared to dream even three years ago; but can I make him happy? We're becoming co-dependent he and I. He knows instinctively the sun does not always shine in Strumpetville so he lets in the rain... and the clouds above us both get ever deeper.

Bugger I'm a miserable fairy tonight; maudlin perhaps. Onwards and upwards is the only way forward; and damn it all I shan't go back. Time to make things that little bit tougher... a bit of gay meets Zen. I don't quite know what it is that binds me to him but it is not severed yet.

I'll let you know how the anniversary goes. And how we go about planning for number two!


Nik_TheGreek said...

I truly hope you have an amazing time! Enjoy your time together.

Monty said...

One hand patting you on the back for your First Anniversary! AND a big hug!

GaySocrates said...

It sounds like a really sad anniversary eve
You use the word co-dependent. For years I thought co-dependent was just depending on each other so cool. Then someone pointed out that I seemed to have a pattern in the relationships I made of co-dependency and encouraged me to look up the definition.
He was right.
I came across a rather lengthy definition on google which posed a few questions at the end.
See what you think.
Does it ring any bells?

Codependency - The Questions

* Do you find yourself making decisions based on other people's opinions?
* Is it important to you that people like you and want to be your friend?
* Do you have a strong desire to help others, but deep down you know you do it so that they will like or love you?
* Do you seem to notice everyone else's problems and have a need to tell them what you think they should do to solve them?
* Do you feel anxious, angry or upset when people don't do things you want them to do, or do things the way you want them to do them?
* Do you find yourself in relationships where you do all the giving and the other person does all the taking?
* Are you involved in activities that demand all of your time and energy and you are neglecting your family or yourself?

Once I spotted my own traits and traced them back to their roots I became much less driven to please in a way which made life and relationships so much more relaxed and pleasing.

I love you Mike and wish you well

Mike said...

It was abit sad, but with dint of great effort we rescued something from the event! Still, the answer to some of your co-dependency questions is "yes" so I feel that's better addressed in another post...