Tuesday, 29 September 2009


I had a pretty miserable night last night because Fella ignored my calls and emails both last night and today. I arranged first thing in the morning for some flowers to be delivered to him at his office; by way of an apology for making things difficult and checking that he was at least still alive.

He thanked me for the flowers. That’s a start at least.

I have a boyfriend who loves me and whom I love. That much at least is clear, whether or not we can still be together. But, and this gentle reader is the crucial part; he is what I think of as a ‘fair weather’ boyfriend. That may seem harsh, and I don’t want to appear to be insulting or abusing him when I post this. No, what I mean is he likes only the good times and simply isn’t interested when things are tough.

I know why – partly – and suspect why for the rest. His family of high achievers have, sadly (and this makes me very, very angry), quite a low opinion of my guy. I’ve always been impressed by his work ethic and intelligence but they seem not to see it. He gets enough hassle from them. I’m a bit of an escape. Also, I think his ex hurt him pretty badly. He won’t talk about it and I don’t push it. Not so much my business; but perhaps that will come out in time. He doesn’t want to go through that again. That’s understandable.

Nevertheless it is difficult to be allowed only a discrete range of emotions; how can we have the relationship I think we can have under those circumstances? I appealed to friends ‘F’ and ‘A’ today when I was at my nadir. They both gave me some good reassurance. ‘A’ made some pertinent points around communication being a two way street. I think Fella sure bet on the wrong horse if he feels I’m able to deal with that kind of thing forever!

So here I am, thinking hard and feeling a little foolish. It strikes me the solution is something in the middle ground. To take a step backward down the read we’ve both travelled down and, if there’s still a chance, rebuild. Creative destruction.

I’m not sure I could go back to being single again; fill the massive hole that losing him would leave in my life. I leapt off the cliff; and the ground may be fast approaching. But I’m willing to hit it if that is what I am left with.


Anonymous said...

I've found that over time someone who has great difficulty dealing with stress can feel more confident and secure and more able to deal with problems as they arise. It takes patience and understanding which sometimes feels almost impossible. But if when you are both calm, you can listen, think and try to act on what's been said and done, and you really both want to be together, it can still work and you can be happy.
It's difficult and sometimes you'll probably both feel like you're giving more than you get back, you'll feel hopeless and alone. But if you always only argue about the same thing then you only have one thing to solve! It can't be perfect all the time. If it's awful now and then that's normal! But don't stay together because you don't want to be alone, stay together because you want to be together.

GaySocrates said...

Oh sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch!
I did seem that you were worling very hard and getting maybe very tired and there was a hint of resentment in your postings, that you were putting so much in and maybe getting less back.
You seem to be at that difficult point where you are starting to realize the limitations of your loved one and recognizing your limited influence over changing this. You have three options
1 Carry on trying to change him with your encouragements and good examples
2 Accept his limitations as they are now as part of his loveliness but recognize that these may or may not change as a consequence of the healing influence of your relationship
3 Decide that it is time to move away from these limitations because you deserve a fuller and more reciprocated emotionality in your relationship but then brace yourself for a potentially long cold winter of the soul. Threesomes will only provide the occasional spark of warmth to keep you going through the interregnum
Don't be influenced by my emoticons.
I'm biased because I've made my bed and I'm sleeping in it.

Anonymous said...

Just read the last few posts...

This'll be brief, but take it as a constructive opinion as opposed to criticism, ok?

It sounds like it's your work/life balance that's out of whack at the moment, not Fella's.

When you're in a relationship with someone it'll all well and good to make them tea in the morning etc because you want to, but it's unrealistic to expect reciprocation when it's not in the other person's nature. There's no point in gettig annoyed about it.

Some people squeeze the toothpaste in the middle. It's just the way it is.

Hope everything works out for you guys. Remember that pressurising people is never a good idea.

Oh, and the lure of easy fun sex with other people can be strong. Just remember that there's always more out there. Try to sort out one situation at a time without complicating things by jumping into bed with other people ;)

Miguel said...

My observations as a single gay man in Londontown, people walk away from problems because its easier to just walk away than confront the issue and try to come to some mutual agreement. After all, London is a big place and there are plenty more fish out there. I find it quite sad really, because the number of people I know who change boyfriends like a pair jeans, they really don't know how to actually have a relationship. Moving your life around so that another can fit into that space you have made for them takes alot of work on both parties and needs mutual co-operation, patience and understanding. It appears that you are both on the right path. But maybe Fella is moving down that path at a slower rate than you might be? The important thing is you both are communicating to achieve a common goal to your mutual benefit.

Antony said...

I think the flowers were a lovely idea. I would of been arranging to meet you to say thanks and talk through stuff.

With regards to your previous post: housewarming with sex on offer - I'd see where things go with fella first. Remember once it's done you can't go back.

It's difficult to advise with out knowing the details (however I understand why you have left the detail out), but it seems that fella's coping strategy is avoidance rather than recognition and addressing the issue. However are we all not guilty of avoidance at times?

You also talked about 'Ifs'. If he wasnt so busy or if you weren't. Are you tempted to be wishing for an ideal world? What I mean is when is life not busy? When is life not chatotic? I don't think the nature of life ever makes it in to ideal circumstances to make a relationship perform to the best of it's ability.

Just a few thoughts (sorry they're random and in no sort of real order),

Antony x

etre-moral-etre-sincere said...

Hey Mike,

for some reason I never saw this post in my Google Reader - so I only read it now. I have some thoughts on that; will email you soon to give some feedback!

Take care!