Monday, 28 September 2009

Hedgehog

I’m sitting here tonight a bit down because Fella and me had a falling out. The longer terms consequences of this falling out remain to be seen.

I called him this afternoon to talk about going out, just him and me – because we don’t really do that too often these days. However, he was in a rush and pretty much ended the call without listening to what I was saying. This annoyed me, to put it mildly, so I sent a text saying there was, in fact, a reason behind my call, if you don’t mind, thank you so much.

He texted later to ask if I was OK and I replied saying that I wanted to talk so I can explain why I’m annoyed – not angry, or flying off the handle; just annoyed – which can’t really be done over the text.

Of course he then doesn’t answer the phone all evening. So I simply sent a final text explaining I merely wanted to talk but that I wasn’t going to call again tonight. I did drop him an email to, however, trying – briefly - to reassure him.

The reality is, for all of this, I don’t know how long I can keep walking this tightrope. I find things in this relationship so very difficult sometimes. Admittedly, I’m blogging from the perspective of my first real row with Fella when we’re not in the same room. So it’s rather unusual (not that rows are usual, you understand).

Co-incidentally; recently new ‘V’ got in touch. To refresh your memory gentle reader, he was rather exciting gentleman with whom I explored he physical side of my new out gayness rather… fully. But all good things, the first half of this post notwithstanding, must come to an end. For a while at least; for him and boyfriend have moved to London Bridge and are inviting me over for a housewarming party like only they know how to throw.

The thing is it’s…. very clear they are up for double plus adult fun. And if memory serves double-plus is an apt description Now, they know about Fella… and I know he wants monogamy. And that’s all fine; nothing to dreadful or troublesome to work out there, nest pas?

So why did the invitation caused me a little flutter of anxiety? Well, I talked about it with friend ‘C’ and she was able to help me work things out in my head.

I’m hedging my bets in case it all goes tits up with Fella. An interesting realisation. But it’s true. Shocking, but true. I love him and trust him and would NEVER do anything to hurt him but… well, this scenario puts me on the back foot and maybe I just need to be brave. A friend told me tonight that he and I can’t work out. I appreciate and respect his honesty. But there’s so much left for us to explore, Fella and I… and as I explained to ‘C’:

If we lived nearby; if work was less hectic; if… if… if… so it’s all to play for. If we don’t play games.


2 comments:

etre-moral-etre-sincere said...

Sorry to hear about that Mike. I emailed you yesterday, hope my letter reached you.

Mike said...

Hi,

Thanks for your email. It did - as you know - reach me. That's what I like about blogging; thinking out loud where the universe answers back! :-)