Fallen Angel

For a while there today the angst-counter was well into the red, and the blouse reader was off the scale. The engines cannae take it Cap’n!!

“Hi I will call you later x”

That’s the reply to my (much longer) message this morning wishing Mark well and trying to confirm Wednesday.

Uh-oh. ‘x’ notwithstanding, that’s not going to help is it?

Well, before we go further, a terrible confession.

I saw new-V last night for some double-plus naughtiness. I know, I know, I know; what’s wrong with me? I do really like Mark, and I’ve set out before that monogamy is fine – having my cake and eating it is not [he alleged] what this is about. But…

I’m new at this. I know it’s the same old excuse, but there we are. I really need some affirmation from Mark. I think the moment he clearly expresses some kind of link to me – calls me his boyfriend, tells me how much he likes me etc – then the situation will be much improved. But I can’t ask for that, because it would be false and I know he doesn’t want the ‘pressure’. So, until I have something more concrete it’s difficult for me to refuse to see others, even if it’s just sex.

Anyway, today Mark calls me as promised to explain that he can’t see me on Wednesday because he has to see a client – that is he forgot we had plans when he agreed to do that. He was very apologetic and promised to make it up to me, though I was naturally very disappointed.

But the most useful thing about the conversation, for all that it will be about 10 days between seeing each other, is that it convinced me he does like me and isn’t about to dump me – he would have done it by now, surely? – and so ironically I do feel a lot better about things and am happier that we have a stable foundation for… the future!

Phew! Talk about taking the long way round!!

Tonight I went out for a not-date with a neighbour of mine (it turns out virtually everyone where I live is gay, and I had no idea!) for dinner and drinks at the by-now-familiar O2. We met on Gaydar when he messaged me to say he saw my profile and recognised me from the Facebook group of our local community; then he found me on OUT too – so, smallest of all possible worlds, we decided to meet up for drinks. I had a good night - we talked and talked, and we may meet again, but I think this is probably more platonic – so with this one nothing happened!!