Thursday, 19 June 2008

Enough already!

Last night, because Mark and I were not going to meet up after all, I composed a long email to him telling him about my day and what was happening work-wise etc. More conversational than romantic, but I thought it would be a nice thing to do.

More than 20 hours later and with no reply, I’m back on the old angst roller coaster. Oh Joy.

To be honest this can’t continue, it really can’t: up/down; secure/insecure. Every time I send a message or a text I wait on tenterhooks for the response… I’m sure it isn’t healthy, and I need to get over it. Histrionic personality disorder; attractive!! Well, as a trained scientist/investigator/analyst I should be able to look at things rationally, so I’ve boiled down some ‘resources’ I’ve found to:

1. I need work out my long-term goals and balance them with jumping at opportunities as soon as they are presented.

2. I should try to be consistent in my self-image and the image I present to others as potential boyfriend material.

3. Though every situation is still new right now, I will admit my attitudes have consistently shifted as time has gone on and I need to try and be comfortable with what I want when I’m getting out there.

4. I should work harder to apply a positive ‘this can work’ attitude to things.

5. I love being a man; love being with men ‘intimately’. I don’t think anyone considers me effeminate or camp (and actually those things put me off if they’re strong traits in others).

6. I think emotional immaturity, shyness and inexperience are a killer combination. But I have good friends, reasonable life-experiences, solid core values and beliefs – so things can only get better with effort.

Something has to give because it’s getting me more than a bit down. So as this weekend is free I will spend some quiet me time and use the above to Think About Stuff. I’m sure you can’t wait to read about it!

In the meantime, tonight I’m having dinner with old friends (10 years plus) with whom I used to work while I was at university. I haven’t seen them since I came out and one of them in particular used to be one of my bestest best friends – we spent Christmases together, travelled round Europe together etc… but we kind of drifted apart over the last few years and haven’t seen each other for a long time; so it should be a good night – hopefully draw me out of myself. Perhaps they can contrast the pre and post gay me?

And on Friday I’m meeting up with the people I went to see Sex and The City; we’re going for Sushi in Soho, which promises to be great fun.

Who needs men, eh?

(…I do)

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