Yesterday I went to the pub with colleagues, get the latest gossip and generally catch up – these days I rarely get the opportunity to see work-friends in a group. A bit of a boozy session during which, in a bid to keep up with management buzzwords, we rechristened our team the Productivity Shitter.
Then, on my way home, Mark called – he was just getting his train to Calais. He called because he suddenly realised he hadn’t replied to my email, and he asked me what he should get me from France to make it up to me. A brief call, but a reassuring one. And he seemed genuinely pleased when I said I had no plans to hook up with anyone while he was away. So, although I’m still quite lonely this weekend, I’m in a much better mood than I thought I would be.
Being utterly lost in affairs of the heart, and generally ruled by my head in any event, I created a ‘behaviour grid’ where I looked at how I behave/what I am like with and without Mark, when I am either happy or said.
I think we can all agree that happy is better than sad, but the grid doesn’t really point to being with him as better than being single. I hope planning things out in this way doesn’t make me seem cold or too analytical. The clincher for me is that being without him does make me unhappy, so it’s moot to have a happy/alone box in the first place. Yes being with him is what makes me happy. I’ve realised you see - yes indeed gentle reader - it seems I’ve become infatuated after all. And with that, there really is no more need for discussion, angst or anything else.
Today I walked all the way to the O2 dome, did a bit of shopping, and came back. Because I’ve met quite a few guys from the local area it was a bit like a trip down memory lane – past that guy’s flat, this guy’s car, the pub where I met the other… a journey of sentimental value. Anyway, once there I found myself in a garden centre looking at plants – because Mark wants to do his garden! I saw lots of gay couples in the supermarket which made me feel a bit sad, because my fella wasn’t there. And I began to plan things Mark and I could do together – the ecological gardens at the millennium village; the beach at the yacht club; the play I’ve been meaning to see for ages…
PS I've updated the email address that links from this blog; the new address doesn't support attachments yet - sorry guys ;-)