Pondering.

I worked extra hard yesterday and managed to pull of a little coup that will make my life a lot easier in the future, so when one of my ‘regulars’ invited himself round for a bit of fun that evening I thought there was no better way to celebrate.

This is the second time I’ve been with someone since I met Mark (he knows) and I suppose I should think about what's going to happen next with that.

Now, I’m equally happy to be in an open relationship or with monogamy – I just expect honesty and genuine commitment (whatever that is). So ironically, if my fella strayed while we were in a monogamous relationship it would probably mean the end; but if we were ‘open’ I think I’d quite enjoy hearing/sharing (maybe reliving) the juicy details!

However, it turns out Mark does want a monogamous relationship, so at some point, possibly – hopefully? – quite soon, I guess I’ll need to pack up my profiles and put my bed-hopping days to rest.

But, then what to do about the guys I’ve been seeing on and off for ’fun’: ‘T’, ‘W’ and, for want of anything better, the one I'll call New ‘V’? All already have boyfriends of their own, so I guess they can’t complain if I get one for a change!

‘T’ is great and really treats my like a prince but only sees me when his actual boyfriend is away; I’ll miss him when we part. ‘W’ is in a sexless relationship and we meet up very occasionally – it sounds terrible, put like that, but we are friends too, and are often in contact without the other thing, so I guess he and I can be just friends.

New ‘V’ doesn’t treat me like a prince at all and he is very very naughty indeed. I practice on him and he gets to practise things most definitely not on his boyfriend’s approved-list (Yes, there we have it, gentle reader, I’m a total slut), so I suppose he’ll happily move on to the next guy when I stop seeing him.

Well, if Mark wants monogamy I surely can’t demand honesty and commitment, and keep seeing these guys. But until I’m sure this is going somewhere I’m not quite ready to take the plunge. Yet, on the other hand I don’t want to have a Big Talk and demand too much of Mark too soon; instead I’d prefer to wait and see, ideally without being too pathetic and needy. Mark’s had one boyfriend or another since he was 17, and I obviously haven’t, so I feel I’m playing catch-up to a certain extent. When is the right time to become exclusive? Do I secretly want to have my cake and eat it? Cognitive dissonance, anyone?

This is the film we're going to see on Friday...