Sunday, 20 March 2011

Speed Bumps

Being relatively inexperienced at relationships, compared to people who are older or who came out sooner, it’s difficult to assess bumps in the road.

Nevertheless, I think on any criterion you might care to name, my relationship with Fella took a hell of a knock last week.

On Wednesday Fella went out with his work colleagues and had a few drinks. I myself had a hell of a trying day at work, and when work is trying it really gets to me.

I think, gentle reader, that set the scene pretty well?

Anyway, we ended up having a massive row. He had got it into his head that I found him boring, and the things we liked to do or talk about uninteresting. I made repeated attempts to reassure him but to no avail. I think this was the booze talking... be became increasingly belligerent and unwilling to accept my reassurances escalating his comments to a point where I felt the best thing to do was to leave him alone for a little while.

I went out. I came back. By the time I did, he’d packed his bags.

I’m not really the kind of person one should bluff with, it seems. You pack your bags, I’ll call you a taxi. Engagement ring returned, facebook status updated, the end. It’s over.

I then proceeded to get very drunk.

Then... the morning after the night before.

Fella was apologetic... he sent me messages telling me how much he loved me, but I wasn’t really in the mood to hear it. I wanted to know why he had behaved in the way he did; why he had to push it and push it. We talked; it broke the ice, but I remained sceptical.

The thing that won me over was when Fella told me the story of how he fell in love with me. I had always been... suspicious, in a way, of why Fella wanted to be with me. I don’t perceive in myself any qualities that would make me husband material. No-one else ever has either!

But there he was, telling me how he just wanted to date for a while but slowly and surely I won his heart and he decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life at my side. That was a much more attractive scenario than being a boyfriend-shaped peg in a boyfriend-shaped hole.

We agreed to give it a go.

Since then – since then I have been somewhat depressed. I’m not going to pretend that this hasn’t changed our relationship, but it’s difficult to see how it can be the way it was. I can’t escape the feeling its a wounded animal, or damaged goods. Part of that is a reflection of the unattainably high standards I set for myself. I want my love to be perfect-and-forever love. Now it is publicly and embarrassingly human. What a let down.

When with others rows and upsets were par for the course; part of the rich tapestry of all my boyfriendettes. But with Fella it is different. I loath rowing with him, and always promise myself that it won’t happen again. I’m not that easy to get on with, it seems.

Yet somehow I can’t let it be.

So here we are. Time will tell what happens next. I don’t really know. Perhaps next time I blog I’ll be in a more positive mood. We shall see.


Volodya/Vlad said...

Keep strong. My thoughts are with you x

Nik_TheGreek said...

I'm sorry to hear about that.
I'm in a similar place as you are. I too am inexperienced in relationships. However, I do know that relationships do have their ups and downs. Arguments are meant to happen. My only advise is to keep the communications channels at all times open.
If I were you I would try to see why Fella's feeling frustrated. I think that there is something putting pressure on him that he hasn't mentioned. It might not even be related to you or he might not be aware of it.

MadeInScotland said...

Hmmm. Sorry to hear that.

Let me tell you that in a different relationship, I was a little like that. I'd get drunk and do harmful emotional things, which were ultimately hurtful to me, to my partner. I'd tell him to leave, to was a bit like being addicted to the pain it caused and the rush of making up. It was control, in a ridiculous way.

That was my first relationship.

I was better in my second, but from time to time still not there.

But, by the time my true love came along, I had evolved, maturing emotionally and have since been mature in my relationship, having learned the hard way from past experience.

Now, where does that leave you, Mike? A leopard can change its spots, but you are going round. You have been here before, and truthfully you are going to be here again.

You need to decide to put up or put out.

Can you put up? When you see the signs coming on, will you be able to let it go, to let it pass, to let it all wash over. If you can, knowing how it is, then good and well. It's not Fella, but the alcohol persona (and of course you might want to look at what is behind that unhappiness).

If you don't think you can, then each time it is going to happen (it has before, it will again) then it gets harder, more painful and more destructive.

In which case it's a matter of when not if...

Of course, this is based on my experience and my comprehension of me. I'm not Fella and I'm not you, so it may be completely different, though you will know if this rings true for you or not, I suspect.

Hope that helps, Mike.


Mike said...

Thanks all for your good wishes. All continues well... the advice is appreciated :-)

Antony said...

Hi Mike,

I hope you have had an open and honest discussion with fella. I always like to remember the phrase you can't talk to a drunk. Some of the best advice I ever had off a friend and soo true.

I think fella needs to get to the root cause of his drinking. Why does he drink to the level he does, knowing that he is likely to say things he does not mean? Why does he not know his limit? It seems he hits the self destruct button when he's had a drink. This is likely to happen again, perhaps after your married, if he doesn't address the underlying issue.

Of course you can help him address the issue, but only if he can recognise what it is and be honest with you as to what it is and how best you can support him to deal with it.

Take care,

A x