Friday, 17 October 2008

The other woman

It seems that international and I may not be meeting on Friday as planned. I don’t have much of an explanation from him about why we may not meet; in fact it’s all up in the air at the moment.

I think this is one of the less salubrious aspects of having a somewhat clandestine affair; waiting at the end of a phone (email, instant messaging service, whatever) juggling other commitments just in case the lovers can arrange a tryst.

In some respects I am quite relieved. Subterfuge just isn’t me. At the moment there is no reasonable prospect of physical intimacy;
if we do meet tomorrow we are going to Talk and maybe that will be the end of that. Maybe that will be for the best. I care for him so very much but it asks too much of me, gentle reader...

Tonight I had my second counselling session. I thought it would only be one hour but it was two; we talked about me coming out, how I would react if I ever did catch a STI, and how my parents tackled the subject of sex (mainly being steered by my mother toward ‘romantic’ novels and a rather stilted enquiry from my father when I was 12 about whether I’d been told about the birds and the bees). We also planned out the remaining eight sessions of the programme – except the next session, which we’ll dedicate to my ‘history’. I was tempted to tell him to just read this blog, but restrained myself!

My idea was to explore whether my behaviour is ‘normal’; my fears about never meeting Mr Right etc; why I find it difficult to just go out and meet men; coping with being single; and what I should look into once the sessions come to an end.

The counsellor suggested self esteem; what being gay means to me; relationships; confronting my issues; goal building; and my ‘social role’.

Well, we shall see how it goes. I’m beginning to perceive that it will be useful overall. It will be about four months until it’s all over; I shall keep you informed.

As for the rest, I really have been too busy to pursue much with anyone else. I am right now swamped with work. The curse of being a strategic lead in a perennially crisis ridden service I think. My back wall is festooned with post-its of all colours! Much of this weekend will be consumed with making progress – my 9 to 5 is about running to stand still! Don’t get me wrong, the work is fantastic and my new place is not polluted by the factional fighting and hidden agenda that have marked most other large bureaucracies I have worked in. And in truth I can stick to office hours quite easily.

But I hunger for man flesh.


P.Brownsey said...

I groaned when you said self-esteem had been mentioned to you as an 'issue' to explore. There's a school of thought - or perhaps "thought" is too strong a word for it - which tries to present lack of self-esteem as the root of everything undesirable in a person's life. And with a bit of ingenuity you can, indeed, fit everything into that template. I remember a newspaper article to the effect that lack of self-esteem was the explanataion of why there were proportionately more absent fathers among black people than among white.

czechOUT said...

Isn't it always about "self-esteem" with counsellors? I fear it's their holy grail.

Ever seen Sigourney Weaver as Debra Moorhouse in "Jeffrey"? You'l see what I mean.