Saturday, 18 October 2008

Walk in the park

My friend is going to China after all and I am so pleased. It is the adventure of a lifetime and an opportunity not to be missed. Of course I shall be so sad to be so far apart but t’interweb is there – and I’ll have a new blog to add to my roll. Speaking of t’interweb I have also created a MySpace page; I’m not sure I’ll get on with it as well as I do Facebook, but why not? A client suggested it and he is the master of networking so I, the remora, follow his shark.

In other news I did meet International on Friday after all.

He kissed me when we met at my office and we walked to Green Park together and sat watching all the wildlife in such beautiful surroundings. And we talked. About ‘Us’.

I said I couldn’t define the options for us without risking putting him off as I did not know where he wanted us to be. I explained that I did not dare to dream of coming between him and his boyfriend; and that whilst eyes open had not thought through to the end when I entered into the affair.

International's view is he sees something for us in the future but he's not sure what might happen. He said that he and Ouch had been in an unhappy place for some time and that he felt things might naturally be coming to an end.

Of course I have never wanted to be the catalyst for such a thing and protested that for my own life I should never seek the like; if he were free it might be a different matter but I was especially firm that I did not want to be the rebound fling. Or to be resented in three, six, nine months when things were less than perfect and all the trouble becomes perhaps too much to bear.

I did however try to explain how I feel about him - that he has me in more ways than one. He said he felt the same way too “a bit” (!). But I did also say this… relationship we have is so challenging and intense that I often feel that we should stop while we [I] still can.

After International I went on to catch up with a group of friends and former colleagues, amongst whom was a lady who we might describe for the purposes of this post as my secretary in my old job. And she asked me the most pertinent question of all: is he the right one for me?

The more I think about that the less I know. I’m consumed with him; I’ve never felt quite like this about anyone. I’m in completely unexplored territory. We didn’t plan on a relationship – we’ve never even really had a date. But I know that while I’m with him I can’t be with anyone else.

I don’t know what I’m doing and it scares me. I’m trying very hard not to fall totally in love but I want him so much so much so much…

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