Let me Be

Say what you like about Jeremy Clarkson, I love Top Gear and have spent a sizeable time crying with laughter watching the repeats on blokey channel ‘Dave’ (UKTV taking a refreshing line on channel naming that will soon no doubt be emulated by others; five becoming ‘Wank’ and ITV transformed into ‘D’uh’ whilst the BBC is renamed The Light Entertainment and Endless Repeats Crapper). Nevertheless I’ve never met another gay man who likes Top Gear, or Mr Clarkson in particular; he has a tendency to say disparaging things about the gayers which they don’t like. But then he says disparaging things about all manner of people; cars; animals; countries; indeed, virtually everything.

The point of all that is this: I like what I like and I never took a course in being gay or anything – who did? I don’t really do the stereotype and abhor the cliché. But it’s not easy. So, gentle reader, Frumpella: who he?

Well, contradictions abound; I like hardcore techno/rave and baroque classical music in equal measure; I like salads as much as man-flesh; I wasn’t gay, then I slept with every confirmed bachelor within 5 miles; etc…

I don’t think there is a tension between masculinity and homosexuality. As often mentioned I like(d) playing rugby and I like fixing things and I like growing things… all manly pursuits. If anything being gay has merely added a measure of civility to everyday life. Like indoor plumbing. But I worry that I’m only gay because I sleep with men (did I mention that?). I suppose it’s no small part of the definition of a gayer but it does sometimes surprise me that ostensibly straight or totally gay people still need to enquire after my sexuality. Harrumph.

In oh-so-many ways I’m double plus lucky in how well my first attempts to dress attractively and get in shape are going (I can definitely see how exercise might be addictive). God knows I’m meeting lots and lots of guys. On the other hand International loathes the fact I’ve slept with women; my family avoids the fact I sleep with men. I’m caught in the middle. The tensions make me feel like I’m Jack of all trades and master of none. Thank goodness for my friends; the rock on which my lighthouse is founded.

Finding your way in the world is never easy yet, for crying out loud, I’ve never really had it hard [boom boom]. The long and the short of it is I don’t like the pressure to be like this or look like that; and I don’t think I’d like it if I knew the right clubs, wore the latest fashions and did my hair just so. I am me. The one thing I am clear on is that I never ever will apologise or hide again from who and what I am. Hello world! Take it or leave it!!