NOT dating

I’ve tried half a dozen times to start this post so I think the only way to begin is to explain I can’t seem to find the words to start it proper. Sorry about that gentle reader; bear with me as I try and pull my thoughts together…

Mild confusion I suppose is my defining characteristic at the moment. And the reason for that is:

International and I met on Wednesday. It is hard to believe it had been a month since we’d last made love but we made up for lost time – and in the nice, candlelit dinner fine wine romantic way too. So I really have to admit I surprised myself when, shortly after midnight, I initiated a conversation that resulted in me breaking up with him.

I can’t quite remember word for word what was discussed. But I do remember explaining that I know he was never going to leave Ouch or make the change in his life to be with me; and even if he and Ouch did split up (as International constantly alluded they might) it would not – and should not - be for me or because of me. And at the same time I cannot have “it’s complicated” as my Facebook relationship status forever. I’m 31 and one of my deepest fears is that I’ve sacrificed the best of me pretending to be someone I’m not. Therefore the open ended other-woman situation cannot stand.

A few days later and the thing that sticks most in my mind about International is his placid acceptance of what I said. His failure – refusal, even – to fight for us or what we had. This may be because it hasn’t fully sunk in yet; I have deliberately Put It Away until I had some time to digest and really think (being a Thinker). Perhaps other things will come to the fore when I really give this thing the time it deserves.

I found myself today thinking about the last time we made love and caught myself with a big grin all over my face. And God knows I do love him still – strangely in the short term I suspect this made the deed easier not harder. Right now I’m struggling not to go “I made a terrible mistake. Rewind! Rewind!!”

But there is much to be done before I can announce my total failure to get over him. I need to think about how we were totally versatile in bed; how I flew across a continent to be with him for the first time; all the silly things we did I hadn’t done before…

Well, it is done, and putting it in writing so that my eyes, connected as they are to (amongst other things) my brain, can see and my brain can think will help. As will going out with a good, good friend tonight and getting very, very drunk.