Infatuation

International and I haven’t ‘been together’ since late December. However, he is due to spend the night with me this coming Wednesday, hopefully to make up for lost time! Truth be told much as I want to see him it is difficult to fit in as it involves giving up time that could be spent working. I probably sound ungrateful to you gentle reader but I’m working so hard at the moment I’m not sure I need to be someone’s spare boyfriend and secret pumpkin!

I remember how much I feel for International and how much we have done over the last four months. My friends tend to just sigh now when I mention him. because without exception they think he isn’t good enough for me. Yet here I am, exactly what I wanted not to be – The Other Woman! Frumpella the gorgeous panting love-slave.

I don’t know what to do for the best at the moment. I have a tendency to get quickly infatuated with this guy or that and International and I have only known each other for a short while so it’s a little early to be dissatisfied with the status quo. But I’m not sure I can be content knowing that International and I have no real future other than continuing like this on and on…

See, being the Other Woman does not really have its compensations. I can’t really rely on him to be there when I need someone, or for him to give me his best. For example, International and I were going to fly to Berlin in April for a holiday. But it seems International can’t afford to use annual leave to be with yours truly so I’ve instead been invited to join him in Brussels next time he’s working there. Saving him time and money – but not really spending any quality time together and thus making me alone with different scenery. Less than ideal; yet can I expect better? And, because I still see others (the compromise for him not being free) I feel guilty, like I’m cheating on International – when it’s Ouch who is the wronged party!

After a few weeks of naughty New Year fun I am beginning to consider going back onto the dating scene again to see if Mr Right is around. Not because I feel less for International, but because the first flush of love is tempered now by a measure of realism.

What I am frightened of is waking up 2, 3, many, lots of years from now having spent precious time on the unattainable instead of fulfilling my needs. And I can’t just carry on with International for fun’s sake because of what I genuinely do feel for him. So what I’m thinking a lot about is ending things now because it’s the lesser of two evils.

But it will be so difficult… and I’m really, really not sure I’m ready. And I'm not sure I'll be ready on Wednesday...