Saturday, 23 August 2008

Self Control

I have a terrible inability to keep things – that is, matters of the heart - in perspective. Hence The Rules, and their being more honoured in the breach than in the observance.

This coming Wednesday will be only the fourth time that I will have seen Gareth. I’m sure my ramblings and ravings have made it seem longer; though there have been the online messages (via Guardian Soulmates), text messages, emails and telephone calls too. Still, whoa-Betsy! You can see what I mean by infatuation:

Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion
or love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship. It is characterised by urgency, intensity, desire, and/or anxiety, in which there is an extreme absorption in another. It is traditionally associated with youth.

Then again, I suppose that shows that I’m young at heart!

I had my ‘leaving do’ yesterday and as a parting gift (one of many) my former colleagues gave me a large peace lily, now named Esmeralda, and taking pride of place in my living room. I’m glad to move on and I know I’m taking with me life-long friends (and some not – one of my former colleagues has already ‘unfriended’ me on Facebook!).

I have indulged in a bit of retail therapy today too despite being somewhat hung-over. But it got me out of the house and gave me a chance to think whilst not thinking, if that makes sense. It certainly helped me have a bijou epiphanyette:

I’ve realised that going from dating someone to being in a Relationship with them (I use the upper-case correctly; I have a relationship with everyone – even my postman, but that is one of mutual loathing and that is not quite what I mean here) involves moving from the periphery of their life – an add-on if you will – to being the core; no more new experiences to be had alone, and nothing old that isn’t shared.

It has been rare indeed to meet someone as willing to put me at the centre of their lives as I have for them, and dealing with that made me forget recently that going out on a limb has never really back-fired on me… Gareth knows how much I like him, I think. I should trust him to let me know how he feels in his own good time. And good time it will have to be – all this after not quite four dates? I must seem like a fool! All my friends caution me it is early days but do I listen? Well, it is time to be a bit more mature and let Gareth grow into Mr Right as and when he wants to. Or not; we shall see.

So now I start my week off, with my list of things to do: a rising heart supporting a sinking head.

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