One hand clapping

So what exactly is different this time? That is the question I am asking myself as my bad mood has been sustained far longer than I would have wished. What is it that is wrong?

Well, I think part of it is that I just don’t enjoy liking someone but being on tenterhooks for the moment they decide they don’t really like me. We’ve been there enough times over the last six months. But the better I am at finding a guy I do like, the harder it becomes to find the next one. My own little 'koan'.

The difference, however, between this and all the other times I have worn my heart as carelessly on my sleeve as a cheaply made cufflink is this:

• the others I have been satisfied to have. Gareth is more who I want;
• I can’t distract myself with casual assignations, friends’ platitudes or retail therapy;
• I demand nothing in return, though how I do hope, gentle reader…

Of course I may simply be growing up; but it is perhaps growing old that concerns me and though yet no inkling of mortality I am consumed too much by with whom I should share this allotted span of mine?

Well, one last ditch attempt at distractions then! I start my new job soon, hurrah, and my first assignment is working on the NHS 18 week target. I’ve been called in early to meet my colleagues and get my project going two weeks before I’m due to officially start work - so I’m wondering exactly what I will find. Still, a new challenge…

I was also today invited to Edinburgh for a friend’s 40th birthday and much as I wanted to go I can’t really justify the expense alongside everything else I need to get done in September – new hoover, new anti-virus for the PC, new suit, settle the wine account(!).

In fact my mood was only partially alleviated by a brief exchange of texts with Gareth on Monday. Well, actually I broke my pledge to give him a little break and texted him to tell him I missed him. He called me today as arranged and we chatted for quite some time. Unfortunately due to various factors, not least engineering works in the Wirral area, we aren't going to see each other till next Wednesday! It is quite the effort to take things as they come! I do hope he doesn't go completely off me by then!! I may bake a cake to bring with me - that may help; I does good cakes I does.

I am frightened this is the beginning of the end. Perhaps I’m being cynical? I wonder if it is in fact a little strange to get pre-emptively miserable about something that has not happened. A sign I should take my friend’s advice and have a man detox? If this one doesn't work out then perhaps I shall.