Saturday, 7 March 2009

Body issues

I had another date today.. and the phrase ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’ has never had as truer ring to it. I’m back at home, and truth be told I’m pretty upset. Very much so, unfortunately. Not the best start to my 200th post, but there we are.

A couple of weeks ago I had a couple over to my place for a bit of casual fun. I had a great time,. These things have always been a particular favourite of mine and in fact a good time was had by all. However – and I know there was no malice in this – as they were leaving one of the couple said, in the middle of more general conversation “you know… we were expecting somebody… smaller”

In my incredulity I asked if he meant shorter and no, he did not. He meant slimmer. So, after so much progress and genuinely feeling good about how I look, I immediately began to develop body issues again!

Since then I have been generally aware that I still need to work on my body to make further improvements. Don’t get me wrong: I actually do like what I see in the mirror but I think I have paid the price for resting on my laurels. And grazing on snacks in the office. Tut, tut.

I had very good friends over to mine last night for a not very good dinner prepared by yours truly - but they provided some marvellous wine, and excellent company so I really enjoyed myself. One thing that these friends; people I came out to a year ago, explained is that I am neither straight acting or looking – hence the lack of surprise on their part at my being a gayer. Yet over the last year I have, I think, made great strides, in becoming a fully paid up self-respecting homosexual. More about what I feel inside than out.

Hence it is very disappointing to be so sad – so badly affected really, by one bad date. Yes, I liked him; the guy who likes ‘older men’. But he was most emphatic about not liking me. To be honest the thing that hurt me most was that he is good looking, funny, charming, outgoing, stylish… he meets every standard that I would wish to measure myself against, not necessarily any future partner.

So I feel, overall, that I am back at square one, wondering what it is about me that no-one, no-one at all wants any part of. Frumpella indeed, ugly and dull but not so much a cheerful fairly today gentle reader.


Antony said...


I have not seen a picture of you and do not know what you look like.

But it is my experience that dating and indeed sexual incounters can make you feel both good about your body and not good about your body.

Mr. Right has to accept you for who you are. And indeed Mr. Right should love your body.

You are half way there, being comfortable looking in the mirror at your body. You, in my humble opinion need to now work towards self love.

It sounds like you feel like your hitting your head against a brick wall at times on the dating/men front.

One of my good friends once said, "If you feel like your hitting your head against a brick wall, your probably making progress and don't realise it."


Antony x

Mike said...

Ha, yes, Brick wall/Head co-ordinator should be part of my job description I think!! But you are right, of course. These things take time, and are rarely easy I think. But the effort must be made.

Thanks x

Antony said...

Ofcourse darling, efforts HAVE to be made!


Antony x

MadeInScotland said...

body shape. I've been all over the place. I once looked at photos taken 2 weeks before and didn't recognise myself. I thought that I, swimming in the pool, was my friend on the same holiday. I was 10.5 stone, looking super thin which was really gaunt, and tanned. I just didn't recognise me and when I realised it was me I realised I'd gone too thin.

That was after long term relationship 1 finished and I was fitness, fitness, fitness.

So I guess I'm saying I was smaller, much smaller, but I wasn't comfortable.

No doubt, if you hadn't been thrown by this coment, you would have retorted,

-and I thought you'd be bigger

-you mean taller?

-no penis. Now fcuk off [door closes with a bang]


Mike said...

That's really funny!