Sunday, 8 March 2009


I shall be glad when this weekend will be over, gentle reader. Following my fabulous Friday night the last two days have left a bit to be desired.

After my disastrous date on Saturday, and I wrote the previous post about it, a friend contacted me – inadvertently waking me from an early night; and I was very short with him which made me feel worse for being a meanie.

And today Sam was due to come over to have dinner and watch a film, though he didn’t show up, which is sad but had an air of inevitability about it.

In addition there were all the petty irritants that, when one is on a high, would normally not matter. Stormy weather undoing my work on the balcony. It taking nine times longer than it ought to pay my bills over the phone. The computer crashing. The boiler playing up…

But, on top of this – and perhaps inevitability suits both ways – today I bumped into Darren for the first time in what must be 11 months.

'Bumped into' isn’t quite right. He and I happened to be walking along the same street in the same direction. At first I didn’t recognise him. He was wearing a suit, whereas his style when I knew him was very up-to-date casual. Glancing round I am certain that he saw me, but he did not acknowledge me and instead kept walking, quickly, wherever he was going.

Eventually I tired of being just behind him and changed my route to be rid of him. I didn’t call out or try to catch up. I just let him be.

Relief, annoyance, fear, contempt. All these emotions competed for my attention. It's funny how the unexpected can change your perspective even a year after the fact. I wasn't ready to see him, not at all.

Overall this weekend has shaken my confidence a great deal. Very, very much in fact. And as these things can ripple forward I am concerned about the impact on my dates this coming Tuesday and Thursday. I was tempted to cancel them. Certainly I may withdraw from the dating scene for a while. Well, actually a couple of guys have recently been in contact via gaydar and Parship and something might, just, come of that so you never can be too sure...

Yes I am, in short, a bit battered by events. Such is life, I suppose. To tackle things I have done my introverted project manager thing and written a list of five discreet ways in which I can be a better person, as a first step forward. Frumpella shall not be defeated! Yet for now I need to keep a bit of a low profile until I feel better.

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