Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Shyness
One of the things people often find hard to believe is that I am shy. In fact, painfully so. I find it virtually impossible to get to know new people – hence the fact most of my friends are current and former colleagues and school-friends. After a few months trapped in a room with you I suppose I might just begin to make an effort ;-)
Conversely if given a context, or if I’m working from a position of experience I am generally fine. So, say, giving a presentation on something I know about to a room full of strangers is no problem whatever. Propositioning someone online with scenario X for the purposes of outcome Y presents no difficulty.
Nevertheless, going up to a stranger in a club or bar or... and explaining (in not so many words) that I think they are attractive and so I would like to get to know them better to see if at some point our clothes fall off and/or we fall in love: well, that fills me with dread.
This is a pity, because it means that I am restricted to online searches for Mr Right rather than spying him out on the dancefloor or whatever. It is especially a pity when you consider my office is awash with Frumpella-friendly eye-candy, with whom I have no real opportunity to interact on a day to day basis.
Perhaps my overreliance on online dating and cruising perpetuates the very symptoms I am complaining about. Ironically my computer, the very one on which this and all other blog posts have been composed, is on its last legs and spent much of the weekend being rebuilt and coaxed into a semblance of life. Thus I was cut off from all the gayers in Strumpetville.
What would I have done? I have no skills or resources for *gulp* the real world! Looks like I need to go out there and meet some honest to goodness fellas to see if fun and frolics might be had…
My secret fear, after all of this , is that I am not shy but dull: dull, dull dull. Too uninteresting and grey to be anything other than the wallflower I deserve to be. But overall there is little one way or another I can do but try. Double plus *gulp*.
I saw friends tonight on Das Boot and explained to them, as best I could, how ill at ease I have been this last few weeks. It’s all about missing International, and bad dates, and feeling frumpy, and family things and not having a holiday for a long time and… Well, I feel things need to change. Somehow. Get under a man by getting over myself? It’s an approach gentle reader!
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Family
On Friday I met up with a couple of my cousins. This was the first time I’d seen any family since I came out to them a year ago, although we are friends on Facebook and are in quite close touch. It was therefore something of a seminal moment for me!
My cousins are of course lovely, and great fun. My cousins’ mothers and mine are good friends and there was always some friendly rivalry between them about who would be first provided grandchildren first; oops!!
One of the main topics of conversation that evening was my relationship with my mother in the light of my status as the cheerful fairy. Over the last year things have become strained; indeed, my mother and I have not spoken in 2009 at all.
This is something of great disappointment – if not surprise – to me as after coming out to my mother in March last year I felt things would be OK. Admittedly it was not easy; I did a lot of research and really had to work on doing it in the right way. But I thought it went OK. Sadly, however, it seems her initial reaction that my homosexuality, whilst tolerable, remains somehow a failure on her part is still with her.
Our relationship founders because of her refusal since then to discuss it further or acknowledge it in any way. So for the last year I have not been able to talk about my life or what’s happening to me, and instead have had to sit through drivel about my cousin’s cat and daffodils and what particular thing is wrong with the car this time etc. It’s not sustainable: so instead we just don’t talk any more.
What was particularly interesting was to hear my cousin’s view of my mother’s reaction. She lives in the flat above hers and as such her side of things is as close as it gets to me actually being there. It would seem my mother did in fact react that number one son being a pooftah was… well, quite shameful. Something bad and wrong.
One of the things I’ve found about coming out is that it has rarely been a black and white thing. I was, for example, confidently expecting either “it’s fine” or “I have no son”; instead there is this middle ground. As it was with those friends who were fine with me being gay but saddened by my dishonesty about it for all those years.
I must confess I am at something of a loss on how to progress from here; if at all. I don’t perceive a route to take to address things. I don’t know how to – or , in fact, whether I should - tackle the situation. I suppose I'd better bite the bullet and make another difficult phone call.
...As before, any comments or suggestions would be gratefully received...
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Testament
As I tell you why my date today did not occur, perhaps you will see why I devised Rule Seven. Or you will think me harsh and selfish. Use the comments to let me know; please.
This morning my date texted me to explain that he had family visiting and therefore at best we would only be able to have a quick drink. Wanting to spend some good time with my date I suggested postponing. However, my date demurred, explaining he is unaccountably busy for several weeks into the future.
After my attempts to negotiate an alternative met with stony silence I suggested meeting earlier than we had originally planned in order to have decent spell together. Only a couple of hours, say, but enough.
So – and forgive me at the outset for varying a policy of not quoting, but I think this way is easier – he replied:
“I think it’s best I’m honest… I always get stuck trying to work out what is the right thing to do. I met someone last week and... would [only] like to meet you as a friend. What do you think?”
I was very disappointed by this, particularly as it was less than two hours before our supposed date! I was particularly sad that he couldn’t have texted or emailed ideally well before the day to explain that he and I would only be meeting as friends. It would have been fine. And less angsty than a proper date!!
I replied that I was happy for him, having me someone, and I wished them both all the best. But that he should have been more up-front with me. And, as our exchange continued, I explained I was happy to meet him as a friend – if that is what he really wants – but that I remain disappointed.
My reticence comes in two forms. Firstly, his friendship feels like the booby prize. That, in my view, is the main reason he should have been more… well, honest, if I’m honest. I would have been happy to be his friend if he’d been clear that was what was on offer. As a consolation prize it doesn’t sit well with me.
Also, I feel there is now no foundation for trust. While I appreciate it was not easy for him, this whole ‘family’ excuse to leave early… again, it doesn’t sit well with me.
I’m quite disheartened. It does make me laugh, though, to think I’ve effectively had the shortest date ever at -2 hours. We left it at “Let me know Mike. You sound like a nice guy and I’d still like to meet you”.
I would welcome more gay friends (or of any persuasion); that much is certain. My instinct is in fact to meet him and see. Or do I remain perhaps too cheerful a fairy?
Well, gentle reader, what do you think?
This morning my date texted me to explain that he had family visiting and therefore at best we would only be able to have a quick drink. Wanting to spend some good time with my date I suggested postponing. However, my date demurred, explaining he is unaccountably busy for several weeks into the future.
After my attempts to negotiate an alternative met with stony silence I suggested meeting earlier than we had originally planned in order to have decent spell together. Only a couple of hours, say, but enough.
So – and forgive me at the outset for varying a policy of not quoting, but I think this way is easier – he replied:
“I think it’s best I’m honest… I always get stuck trying to work out what is the right thing to do. I met someone last week and... would [only] like to meet you as a friend. What do you think?”
I was very disappointed by this, particularly as it was less than two hours before our supposed date! I was particularly sad that he couldn’t have texted or emailed ideally well before the day to explain that he and I would only be meeting as friends. It would have been fine. And less angsty than a proper date!!
I replied that I was happy for him, having me someone, and I wished them both all the best. But that he should have been more up-front with me. And, as our exchange continued, I explained I was happy to meet him as a friend – if that is what he really wants – but that I remain disappointed.
My reticence comes in two forms. Firstly, his friendship feels like the booby prize. That, in my view, is the main reason he should have been more… well, honest, if I’m honest. I would have been happy to be his friend if he’d been clear that was what was on offer. As a consolation prize it doesn’t sit well with me.
Also, I feel there is now no foundation for trust. While I appreciate it was not easy for him, this whole ‘family’ excuse to leave early… again, it doesn’t sit well with me.
I’m quite disheartened. It does make me laugh, though, to think I’ve effectively had the shortest date ever at -2 hours. We left it at “Let me know Mike. You sound like a nice guy and I’d still like to meet you”.
I would welcome more gay friends (or of any persuasion); that much is certain. My instinct is in fact to meet him and see. Or do I remain perhaps too cheerful a fairy?
Well, gentle reader, what do you think?
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Casual is hard work
I don’t find it easy, when dating, to avoid the same trap of being too keen, Rule Two, or just generally not chillaxin’.
Now there is nothing that I should like more than to chillax, especially in the wars of the heart. It would make the attrition of dating all the more bearable not to invest so much into any particular guy… not to get infatuated. The smell of desperation is not an exquisite perfume I think, so it is important to be a bit circumspect and not wear my heart on my sleeve.
Of course then the next step would be learning how to stop being casual and actually recognise a relationship is beginning. That will be a real challenge; though one thing at a time!
The point is that it is easy for me to rush off and get attached to this guy and that because, well, it is easy. Like most gayers I never learned like the rest of the world to date, work out if someone likes me, start a relationship etc; after all in my occasional attempts at a heterosexual relationship almost never had me reading signals wrong to the point I might get killed!
So the truth is this new round of dating has me feeling quite lost at sea. The last year has been fun but my inbuilt failings have meant it hasn’t quite made up for a lifetime of self-imposed ignorance. No landmarks or signposts to show me the way. I have asked people’s opinions but advice is usually contradictory or less than helpful. Or, frankly tiresome game playing. And as previous posts have indicated I seem not quite up to speed on getting the clues.
I do try to be careful about my body language, how much I drink, where I go, how I dress when on a date. But I’d rather let things flow naturally for all my impatience. Just a pity I have to practise my ropey dating skills on men that might, just possibly…
Well, practice makes perfect gentle reader. I think I’m getting better at just, meeting someone and taking it/leaving it.
The guy I saw twice at the weekend decided he didn’t want to see me again. As before I remain entirely neutral about that and look forward to what’s next. My date tomorrow, to be specific. Followed hotly by my date on Thursday.
Both off gaydar, again. I’ve been used to going there for my casual other thing (which I tend not to find too much hard work at all) so that’s interesting… but I’m giving myself a mini-break from causal other thing until I’m a bit more settled in myself. Everything seems unsatisfactory at the moment. I feel very ill at ease sometimes about my looks; I miss International very much; I want to focus properly on my career for a while...
Chillax!
Now there is nothing that I should like more than to chillax, especially in the wars of the heart. It would make the attrition of dating all the more bearable not to invest so much into any particular guy… not to get infatuated. The smell of desperation is not an exquisite perfume I think, so it is important to be a bit circumspect and not wear my heart on my sleeve.
Of course then the next step would be learning how to stop being casual and actually recognise a relationship is beginning. That will be a real challenge; though one thing at a time!
The point is that it is easy for me to rush off and get attached to this guy and that because, well, it is easy. Like most gayers I never learned like the rest of the world to date, work out if someone likes me, start a relationship etc; after all in my occasional attempts at a heterosexual relationship almost never had me reading signals wrong to the point I might get killed!
So the truth is this new round of dating has me feeling quite lost at sea. The last year has been fun but my inbuilt failings have meant it hasn’t quite made up for a lifetime of self-imposed ignorance. No landmarks or signposts to show me the way. I have asked people’s opinions but advice is usually contradictory or less than helpful. Or, frankly tiresome game playing. And as previous posts have indicated I seem not quite up to speed on getting the clues.
I do try to be careful about my body language, how much I drink, where I go, how I dress when on a date. But I’d rather let things flow naturally for all my impatience. Just a pity I have to practise my ropey dating skills on men that might, just possibly…
Well, practice makes perfect gentle reader. I think I’m getting better at just, meeting someone and taking it/leaving it.
The guy I saw twice at the weekend decided he didn’t want to see me again. As before I remain entirely neutral about that and look forward to what’s next. My date tomorrow, to be specific. Followed hotly by my date on Thursday.
Both off gaydar, again. I’ve been used to going there for my casual other thing (which I tend not to find too much hard work at all) so that’s interesting… but I’m giving myself a mini-break from causal other thing until I’m a bit more settled in myself. Everything seems unsatisfactory at the moment. I feel very ill at ease sometimes about my looks; I miss International very much; I want to focus properly on my career for a while...
Chillax!
Sunday, 22 March 2009
Assignations
A couple of assignations got me thinking recently. This week I have had a lot of fun; and by rights I should be feeling very smug about it. Tonnes of man flesh; nights out with friends; bust at work; busy in business (things seem to be looking up a bit which is a relief). A pretty full life – hurrah indeed for Strumpetville.
Nevertheless, I have had to acknowledge how brung low in mood I have been by running into Darren, my last long term girlfriend, and my disastrous date a couple of weeks ago.
So it was timely indeed when I hooked up on Thursday, via gaydar with a guy who lives not very far from me. Interestingly he and I had chatted on Soulmates before he decided he didn’t want to go on a date with me, so meeting up was quite a different experience from the usual casual fun.
The most interesting thing, I think, is how similar he and I are. Same age, similar looks (though as a dancer he’s rather better toned than I am. And double jointed, though that’s not for here); similar sex drives and preferences; and very similar in our attitudes to Fairyland.
After our fun we spent a lot of time talking about our respective Messrs Right and how we both, separately, felt we had to be careful about having a lot of sex for the wrong reasons. We both get easily infatuated and rely on our friends to keep us straight [pardon the pun] and we talked a lot about relationship strategies – he actually uses a lot of NLP…
It was kind of bizarre to learn what it’s like to meet me; a relatively pleasant experience and a good way to challenge my insecurities. Seeing myself in someone and thinking it wasn’t half bad… well, can’t hurt!
On Friday I met a really lovely guy who was just so plainly ‘sorted’. I don’t mean financially, though he clearly had a good career ahead of him (late 20s I would say). Just so nice in so many ways. The kind of person whom I meet casually and then wish I hadn’t – not because it was a bad time, but because they seem a bit of a catch… The way he was held a mirror up to how I am and pointed very clearly at the need for me to just live my life fully and really strive to be the best I can be, regardless.
Through all this of course I remembered why I like dating in the first place. It’s a nice way of meeting new people, searching for Mr Right etc. and exploring being gay in a relatively light way. It isn’t a way of validating myself any more than sex achieves Vorsprung Durch Manfleisch.
Anyway; must go now. Had a date last night and this morning he invited me out for dinner this evening. Stay tuned…
Nevertheless, I have had to acknowledge how brung low in mood I have been by running into Darren, my last long term girlfriend, and my disastrous date a couple of weeks ago.
So it was timely indeed when I hooked up on Thursday, via gaydar with a guy who lives not very far from me. Interestingly he and I had chatted on Soulmates before he decided he didn’t want to go on a date with me, so meeting up was quite a different experience from the usual casual fun.
The most interesting thing, I think, is how similar he and I are. Same age, similar looks (though as a dancer he’s rather better toned than I am. And double jointed, though that’s not for here); similar sex drives and preferences; and very similar in our attitudes to Fairyland.
After our fun we spent a lot of time talking about our respective Messrs Right and how we both, separately, felt we had to be careful about having a lot of sex for the wrong reasons. We both get easily infatuated and rely on our friends to keep us straight [pardon the pun] and we talked a lot about relationship strategies – he actually uses a lot of NLP…
It was kind of bizarre to learn what it’s like to meet me; a relatively pleasant experience and a good way to challenge my insecurities. Seeing myself in someone and thinking it wasn’t half bad… well, can’t hurt!
On Friday I met a really lovely guy who was just so plainly ‘sorted’. I don’t mean financially, though he clearly had a good career ahead of him (late 20s I would say). Just so nice in so many ways. The kind of person whom I meet casually and then wish I hadn’t – not because it was a bad time, but because they seem a bit of a catch… The way he was held a mirror up to how I am and pointed very clearly at the need for me to just live my life fully and really strive to be the best I can be, regardless.
Through all this of course I remembered why I like dating in the first place. It’s a nice way of meeting new people, searching for Mr Right etc. and exploring being gay in a relatively light way. It isn’t a way of validating myself any more than sex achieves Vorsprung Durch Manfleisch.
Anyway; must go now. Had a date last night and this morning he invited me out for dinner this evening. Stay tuned…
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
Le Mike: C'est moi
I have two dates coming up. One on Saturday and one on Wednesday, The first is with a guy I got in touch with via Parship; and on Wednesday I will be back at Das Boot for drinks with a guy I met through gaydar.
I’m quite keen for these dates to actually lead to something – not in a Rule Two way I hasten to add, and of course assuming I like the guy(s) in question. It may come across a bit zen but I think I need to focus on what I want a bit in order to fulfil the wants of someone else.
To that end I’ve found two sites of interest. The first is http://www.tomdickandsally.com/; a gay dating website that, like parship, uses personality testing. The second is http://www.gaylinkcontent.com/ which is a little trove of good advice for gay dating and relationships and other things too.
However, as we’re talking about me; what do these personality-test results tell us?
TomDickandSally tells me that I’m optimistic, innovative and trusting. Meaning I am "able to see the light at the end of the tunnel; even though it may appear dim at times! Although not immune to life’s slings and arrows, you never relinquish hope.
I’m quite keen for these dates to actually lead to something – not in a Rule Two way I hasten to add, and of course assuming I like the guy(s) in question. It may come across a bit zen but I think I need to focus on what I want a bit in order to fulfil the wants of someone else.
To that end I’ve found two sites of interest. The first is http://www.tomdickandsally.com/; a gay dating website that, like parship, uses personality testing. The second is http://www.gaylinkcontent.com/ which is a little trove of good advice for gay dating and relationships and other things too.
However, as we’re talking about me; what do these personality-test results tell us?
TomDickandSally tells me that I’m optimistic, innovative and trusting. Meaning I am "able to see the light at the end of the tunnel; even though it may appear dim at times! Although not immune to life’s slings and arrows, you never relinquish hope.
“You feel at ease with the modern world; you are happy to embrace the here and now with open arms. You also can’t imagine life without trust even though you know that there is no trust without betrayal. You judge others by your own standards.”
Parship tells me:
“You are always prepared to help with the worries and concerns of your friends, family and colleagues. Because you are 
very sensitive, your involvement is always appreciated. You offer advice and practical support when the need arises. And of course this means that you are bound to make a good impression in the early days of a relationship. But you should be aware of a potential danger: your rating for your instinct character type is low. You prefer to withdraw from problems and arguments rather than confront them directly. Talking about yourself might have become an alien experience recently [what do you think, gentle reader?!].
"You possess the ability to get on well with people because of your gentle manner and your immediate understanding of people's emotional needs. However, do you do enough for yourself in return? You should set your sights on who allows you to admit to your own appetites from time to time. Without this emotional outlet, it is possible that your relationship might stagnate over time as frustration sets in.
“You like to experience constant stimulation and excitement in a relationship. You are also a very reliable and trustworthy companion. This combination of vivacity and common sense is highly attractive to other people. It shouldn't be too difficult for someone to work out what you want from a relationship and how far you are prepared to go in terms of commitment.
“You have the ability to make an impression on a wide range of different people. You might like to search for a partner who can thrive on your energy and dynamism, rather than feel overwhelmed by it.”
Well, come and get it… I actually have a couple of other guys chatting to me right now too, soo... well, practice makes perfect :-)
Monday, 16 March 2009
Annum
Forgive my little rant just there; I didn’t really mean it. I just had to get it all off my chest in time for the anniversary.
This blog is a whole year old! What a year. It all started with Darren; I wasn’t expecting to be single ever again, and I wasn’t expecting this year to be the year it has but here I am…
Out and proud! I can’t really remember consciously deciding to come out to that large tranche of friends, family and colleagues that did not know. I started to come out to some closer friends because I was in love and wanted to tell them. But of course that didn’t work out. I was a bit blind, really. But I am proud of myself for doing what I think was a pretty brave thing for me and - instead of retreating back into my little closet – finally biting the bullet and telling everyone that I am gay.
Best thing I ever done did.
Overall my experiences have been great and while I will admit it isn’t very easy sometimes I wouldn’t really change a thing. As for fellas; there have been a few. Guys I’ve dated, assignations, brief relationships and so-on reach in total over the year of this blog well into three figures :-o
Yes, it seems Frumpella can’t get enough. But I am amazed how my sex drive has grown out of all proportion. And right now I am having the best sex ever!!
If 18 months ago someone had suggested that I would be asked out on dates by gorgeous guys; I’d have a serious of very, very good fuck-buddies; I’d still be going out looking for casual assignations; and I’d want a boyfriend… well, let’s just say I realise how lucky I am.
But enough about sex [back in its box it goes]. The thing I am most grateful for is my wonderful friends. I don’t think I could be a true friend while hiding something so fundamental so I’m glad I can finally be worthy of them.
What I do need to work on is my tendency to get totally infatuated with the particular guy I’m seeing. Cool… calm… collected. Frumpella might be none of these in the coming 12 months! In terms of relationships I am at square one. Much as I miss International still, and however unsure about Darren I remain…
Well, I do want that elusive Mr Right after all. I don’t care for this rubbish myth that I won’t find him by looking. I know I need to work only on being the best person I can be; if that isn’t good enough for no-one no-how then so be it. But why should I not actively seek the elements of life I haven’t really experienced yet? I just shouldn’t be too impatient I suppose. I’m still, really, learning the ropes.
Stay tuned gentle reader. The theme for 2009; cautious optimism and cock. This is THE year… in the meantime thank you for all your comments, queries and advice. Keep it coming, please. X
This blog is a whole year old! What a year. It all started with Darren; I wasn’t expecting to be single ever again, and I wasn’t expecting this year to be the year it has but here I am…
Out and proud! I can’t really remember consciously deciding to come out to that large tranche of friends, family and colleagues that did not know. I started to come out to some closer friends because I was in love and wanted to tell them. But of course that didn’t work out. I was a bit blind, really. But I am proud of myself for doing what I think was a pretty brave thing for me and - instead of retreating back into my little closet – finally biting the bullet and telling everyone that I am gay.
Best thing I ever done did.
Overall my experiences have been great and while I will admit it isn’t very easy sometimes I wouldn’t really change a thing. As for fellas; there have been a few. Guys I’ve dated, assignations, brief relationships and so-on reach in total over the year of this blog well into three figures :-o
Yes, it seems Frumpella can’t get enough. But I am amazed how my sex drive has grown out of all proportion. And right now I am having the best sex ever!!
If 18 months ago someone had suggested that I would be asked out on dates by gorgeous guys; I’d have a serious of very, very good fuck-buddies; I’d still be going out looking for casual assignations; and I’d want a boyfriend… well, let’s just say I realise how lucky I am.
But enough about sex [back in its box it goes]. The thing I am most grateful for is my wonderful friends. I don’t think I could be a true friend while hiding something so fundamental so I’m glad I can finally be worthy of them.
What I do need to work on is my tendency to get totally infatuated with the particular guy I’m seeing. Cool… calm… collected. Frumpella might be none of these in the coming 12 months! In terms of relationships I am at square one. Much as I miss International still, and however unsure about Darren I remain…
Well, I do want that elusive Mr Right after all. I don’t care for this rubbish myth that I won’t find him by looking. I know I need to work only on being the best person I can be; if that isn’t good enough for no-one no-how then so be it. But why should I not actively seek the elements of life I haven’t really experienced yet? I just shouldn’t be too impatient I suppose. I’m still, really, learning the ropes.
Stay tuned gentle reader. The theme for 2009; cautious optimism and cock. This is THE year… in the meantime thank you for all your comments, queries and advice. Keep it coming, please. X
Sunday, 15 March 2009
Vampire
Terry Pratchett is one of my favourite authors. These days he talks mostly about his Alzheimer’s. Repeatedly. There’s a bad joke in there somewhere… Once, however, he wrote about vampires.
Unlike humans they do not have children; yes by feeding they create new versions of themselves. But by living forever can never hope for a legacy that a normal family life might bring. Every vampire is essentially a competitor to every other vampire. Every non-vampire a potential victim. The vampire’s only comfort is the power he can exert over others. That is what he wrote.
I know it is unfair to use this as an analogy for gay men, but it is pretty brutal out there it seems. From sex to dating to love and relationships it really is quite difficult. Every one of us competing with all around us – trying to meet some criteria, fulfil some stereotype; be the popular one; the pretty one; the one having the most sex… and being second is not good enough.
It’s enough to make me give serious thought to going back to women. Honestly. Boobs seem pretty attractive right now.
Last night I went to the theatre with MadeInScotland, another blogger, to see Spring Awakening at – he had a spare ticket and very kindly offered it to me. It was a fantastic show!! Yet in return I bored him with my dating woes and obsessively checked my text messages to see whether Thursday’s date was going to confirm a second meeting on Sunday [which he did not!].
Is that any way to behave? No. Of course not. Here I am turning into some insecure needy slave to texting and dating and building my self esteem from some other feckless guy.
It is this week’s dates that have driven me to my current state of fury. Surely – and this is where I have to suspend temporarily my reticence about being sexually explicit - in any rational society being given a blow job in front of Buckingham Palace would be seen as a milestone on the road to boyfriendage. Surely, I say again; surely being asked out for a second date on Sunday might not one reasonably expect, for instance, a second date on Sunday?
Well, I’m genuinely at a loss. I must ask, gentle reader, am I to become a victim or a vampire? This post is a morass of questions and rage. And incomprehension. Why, oh why, is it that it has to be either casual sex or love at first sight? Oops, another question.
I want a boyfriend! I want to be in love and to be loved and while I know that’s not easy I’m not some obsessive panting love muffin only validated by my relationship status. I look OK; have a great job; brilliant friends; an active sex life; my own business; am part of my local community; and have so much to look forward to. And offer. I just want a boyfriend too.
Rule Seven, men: Rule Seven!
Unlike humans they do not have children; yes by feeding they create new versions of themselves. But by living forever can never hope for a legacy that a normal family life might bring. Every vampire is essentially a competitor to every other vampire. Every non-vampire a potential victim. The vampire’s only comfort is the power he can exert over others. That is what he wrote.
I know it is unfair to use this as an analogy for gay men, but it is pretty brutal out there it seems. From sex to dating to love and relationships it really is quite difficult. Every one of us competing with all around us – trying to meet some criteria, fulfil some stereotype; be the popular one; the pretty one; the one having the most sex… and being second is not good enough.
It’s enough to make me give serious thought to going back to women. Honestly. Boobs seem pretty attractive right now.
Last night I went to the theatre with MadeInScotland, another blogger, to see Spring Awakening at – he had a spare ticket and very kindly offered it to me. It was a fantastic show!! Yet in return I bored him with my dating woes and obsessively checked my text messages to see whether Thursday’s date was going to confirm a second meeting on Sunday [which he did not!].
Is that any way to behave? No. Of course not. Here I am turning into some insecure needy slave to texting and dating and building my self esteem from some other feckless guy.
It is this week’s dates that have driven me to my current state of fury. Surely – and this is where I have to suspend temporarily my reticence about being sexually explicit - in any rational society being given a blow job in front of Buckingham Palace would be seen as a milestone on the road to boyfriendage. Surely, I say again; surely being asked out for a second date on Sunday might not one reasonably expect, for instance, a second date on Sunday?
Well, I’m genuinely at a loss. I must ask, gentle reader, am I to become a victim or a vampire? This post is a morass of questions and rage. And incomprehension. Why, oh why, is it that it has to be either casual sex or love at first sight? Oops, another question.
I want a boyfriend! I want to be in love and to be loved and while I know that’s not easy I’m not some obsessive panting love muffin only validated by my relationship status. I look OK; have a great job; brilliant friends; an active sex life; my own business; am part of my local community; and have so much to look forward to. And offer. I just want a boyfriend too.
Rule Seven, men: Rule Seven!
Saturday, 14 March 2009
Yet more dating
Tuesday and Thursday I had dates this week. Very different of course, being completely different human beings! And I’m afraid they illustrate why Rule One is a good rule.
Tuesday's date and I had been waiting to meet for absolute ages, because he had been ill and I have, as always, been very busy. But there had been a lot of increasingly flirty – filthy even - texting and phone calls.
Well, when we met we got on very well. He’s at the younger end of my age range, but was very lively. Anyway as the evening progressed we became more and more frisky and eventually after more than we ought in a pub we ended up in St James’ Park and…
I have to say, it that’s how you show you don’t like someone I’m very confused about how you might show you do. Nevertheless, the next day our few desultory text messages petered out and that, it would appear, is that.
I’ll be honest, I’m not sure that he and I could have had a relationship. But still. The pressures of dating; everything has to be just so. It’s a bit much to live up to, don’t you think gentle reader?
Thursday, however, was totally Rule One compliant. We met in a pub in Dulwich, an area I don’t know – so picking the one pub in the area too cool to put its name on the outside was not the smartest move! Yet he arrived, and I’ll admit I was very taken with him. So much so that very early on in the evening I remembered Rule Two. Again, we seemed to get on well.
OK, I’ll admit his looking at all the other guys in the pub, and his inability to maintain eye contact, got me thinking early on that he wasn’t interested; he didn’t feel that spark everyone seems to demand.
Also, somewhat unsettlingly, in the pub was none other than my last long term girlfriend. We haven’t spoken for about three years; my being gay was something she couldn’t handle. And though we saw each other, we didn’t talk then and she left quickly. This is, to my mind, the kind of coincidence that would put anyone off their game. But I didn’t let it affect me too badly and I simply carried on in the hope the cascade of emotions running through me didn’t show.
Imagine, then, my surprise that given every opportunity to leave he unaccountable failed to do. And imagine further, if you will, my delight when he asked me out again at the end of the evening!
Well, he walked me back to my bus-stop, taking me slightly of the beaten path so he could kiss me (hurrah for muches smooches), and I went home a very cheerful fairy indeed.
I still have tonnes of dates etc lined up but Thursday was just so nice. Hopefully my date and I will meet again tomorrow, and if so I shall keep you posted. Either way it put a big smile on my face. And just when I was getting down about dating…
Tuesday's date and I had been waiting to meet for absolute ages, because he had been ill and I have, as always, been very busy. But there had been a lot of increasingly flirty – filthy even - texting and phone calls.
Well, when we met we got on very well. He’s at the younger end of my age range, but was very lively. Anyway as the evening progressed we became more and more frisky and eventually after more than we ought in a pub we ended up in St James’ Park and…
I have to say, it that’s how you show you don’t like someone I’m very confused about how you might show you do. Nevertheless, the next day our few desultory text messages petered out and that, it would appear, is that.
I’ll be honest, I’m not sure that he and I could have had a relationship. But still. The pressures of dating; everything has to be just so. It’s a bit much to live up to, don’t you think gentle reader?
Thursday, however, was totally Rule One compliant. We met in a pub in Dulwich, an area I don’t know – so picking the one pub in the area too cool to put its name on the outside was not the smartest move! Yet he arrived, and I’ll admit I was very taken with him. So much so that very early on in the evening I remembered Rule Two. Again, we seemed to get on well.
OK, I’ll admit his looking at all the other guys in the pub, and his inability to maintain eye contact, got me thinking early on that he wasn’t interested; he didn’t feel that spark everyone seems to demand.
Also, somewhat unsettlingly, in the pub was none other than my last long term girlfriend. We haven’t spoken for about three years; my being gay was something she couldn’t handle. And though we saw each other, we didn’t talk then and she left quickly. This is, to my mind, the kind of coincidence that would put anyone off their game. But I didn’t let it affect me too badly and I simply carried on in the hope the cascade of emotions running through me didn’t show.
Imagine, then, my surprise that given every opportunity to leave he unaccountable failed to do. And imagine further, if you will, my delight when he asked me out again at the end of the evening!
Well, he walked me back to my bus-stop, taking me slightly of the beaten path so he could kiss me (hurrah for muches smooches), and I went home a very cheerful fairy indeed.
I still have tonnes of dates etc lined up but Thursday was just so nice. Hopefully my date and I will meet again tomorrow, and if so I shall keep you posted. Either way it put a big smile on my face. And just when I was getting down about dating…
Monday, 9 March 2009
Hypocrisy
I’ve been thinking about Rule One lately. While it has been pleasant not to break it on my recent dates (fat chance, famously/most recently) and it becomes more important as time goes on, the fact is… I like my causal fun too.
Truth be told I am looking for, in a life-partner, a sexual partner who is experienced, broad minded and assertive; experimental and uninhibited. Sort of like me, but more so. I basically have, in the back of my mind’s eye, this ideal of someone chaste and uninterested in the smutty side of gay singleton status – but who is also a right dirty goer in the sack.
I suspect many of us are similar about potential boyfriends, or would like to hold ourselves to that ideal no matter how often the devils in our nature shout down the better angels there within. Hence Rule One’s importance.
Being a member of many dating websites, and the occasional cruising site too, I have sometimes come across the profile of the same man on more than one site. One prospect in particular has always given me pause, though otherwise perfect, purely because I have seen his profile on both gaydar and Soulmates. Somehow it matters he has used the same photos on both.
Why is it that I’m so hypocritical? Oh no, I couldn’t possible date a man who likes to fuck! But I might like to fuck him… What a silly attitude to have in a place like Strumpetville. In a nutshell it would seem fruitless to look for the unfriendly in a friendly town like this – though I will note my success at finding them to date!
I really don’t think I’ll find Mr Right until I’m willing to accept that no-one’s perfect and no-one fits that ideal; not even yours truly, gentle reader. This ideal in my head must be tempered with some measure of reality, because (as any engineer will tell you) alloys are stronger; bronze not copper, steel not iron!
Yes, I must try to accept imperfections as part of what makes him special; and in return overcome and address my own deficiencies because – as a very good friend advised once upon a time – I shouldn’t really replicate the traits I don’t like.
Perhaps it all comes down to not liking things in others because when we look into their eyes we see nothing more reflected than what they see in us.
And to that end I have decided to move on from the events of this weekend, by going onto parship; finding the five guys between 30 and 35 with the highest compatibility rating (not less than 70%); and sending them each a contact request.
Who knows? Maybe one of them will be imperfect enough to be just right for me.
Truth be told I am looking for, in a life-partner, a sexual partner who is experienced, broad minded and assertive; experimental and uninhibited. Sort of like me, but more so. I basically have, in the back of my mind’s eye, this ideal of someone chaste and uninterested in the smutty side of gay singleton status – but who is also a right dirty goer in the sack.
I suspect many of us are similar about potential boyfriends, or would like to hold ourselves to that ideal no matter how often the devils in our nature shout down the better angels there within. Hence Rule One’s importance.
Being a member of many dating websites, and the occasional cruising site too, I have sometimes come across the profile of the same man on more than one site. One prospect in particular has always given me pause, though otherwise perfect, purely because I have seen his profile on both gaydar and Soulmates. Somehow it matters he has used the same photos on both.
Why is it that I’m so hypocritical? Oh no, I couldn’t possible date a man who likes to fuck! But I might like to fuck him… What a silly attitude to have in a place like Strumpetville. In a nutshell it would seem fruitless to look for the unfriendly in a friendly town like this – though I will note my success at finding them to date!
I really don’t think I’ll find Mr Right until I’m willing to accept that no-one’s perfect and no-one fits that ideal; not even yours truly, gentle reader. This ideal in my head must be tempered with some measure of reality, because (as any engineer will tell you) alloys are stronger; bronze not copper, steel not iron!
Yes, I must try to accept imperfections as part of what makes him special; and in return overcome and address my own deficiencies because – as a very good friend advised once upon a time – I shouldn’t really replicate the traits I don’t like.
Perhaps it all comes down to not liking things in others because when we look into their eyes we see nothing more reflected than what they see in us.
And to that end I have decided to move on from the events of this weekend, by going onto parship; finding the five guys between 30 and 35 with the highest compatibility rating (not less than 70%); and sending them each a contact request.
Who knows? Maybe one of them will be imperfect enough to be just right for me.
Sunday, 8 March 2009
Erratum
I shall be glad when this weekend will be over, gentle reader. Following my fabulous Friday night the last two days have left a bit to be desired.
After my disastrous date on Saturday, and I wrote the previous post about it, a friend contacted me – inadvertently waking me from an early night; and I was very short with him which made me feel worse for being a meanie.
And today Sam was due to come over to have dinner and watch a film, though he didn’t show up, which is sad but had an air of inevitability about it.
In addition there were all the petty irritants that, when one is on a high, would normally not matter. Stormy weather undoing my work on the balcony. It taking nine times longer than it ought to pay my bills over the phone. The computer crashing. The boiler playing up…
But, on top of this – and perhaps inevitability suits both ways – today I bumped into Darren for the first time in what must be 11 months.
'Bumped into' isn’t quite right. He and I happened to be walking along the same street in the same direction. At first I didn’t recognise him. He was wearing a suit, whereas his style when I knew him was very up-to-date casual. Glancing round I am certain that he saw me, but he did not acknowledge me and instead kept walking, quickly, wherever he was going.
Eventually I tired of being just behind him and changed my route to be rid of him. I didn’t call out or try to catch up. I just let him be.
Relief, annoyance, fear, contempt. All these emotions competed for my attention. It's funny how the unexpected can change your perspective even a year after the fact. I wasn't ready to see him, not at all.
Overall this weekend has shaken my confidence a great deal. Very, very much in fact. And as these things can ripple forward I am concerned about the impact on my dates this coming Tuesday and Thursday. I was tempted to cancel them. Certainly I may withdraw from the dating scene for a while. Well, actually a couple of guys have recently been in contact via gaydar and Parship and something might, just, come of that so you never can be too sure...
Yes I am, in short, a bit battered by events. Such is life, I suppose. To tackle things I have done my introverted project manager thing and written a list of five discreet ways in which I can be a better person, as a first step forward. Frumpella shall not be defeated! Yet for now I need to keep a bit of a low profile until I feel better.
After my disastrous date on Saturday, and I wrote the previous post about it, a friend contacted me – inadvertently waking me from an early night; and I was very short with him which made me feel worse for being a meanie.
And today Sam was due to come over to have dinner and watch a film, though he didn’t show up, which is sad but had an air of inevitability about it.
In addition there were all the petty irritants that, when one is on a high, would normally not matter. Stormy weather undoing my work on the balcony. It taking nine times longer than it ought to pay my bills over the phone. The computer crashing. The boiler playing up…
But, on top of this – and perhaps inevitability suits both ways – today I bumped into Darren for the first time in what must be 11 months.
'Bumped into' isn’t quite right. He and I happened to be walking along the same street in the same direction. At first I didn’t recognise him. He was wearing a suit, whereas his style when I knew him was very up-to-date casual. Glancing round I am certain that he saw me, but he did not acknowledge me and instead kept walking, quickly, wherever he was going.
Eventually I tired of being just behind him and changed my route to be rid of him. I didn’t call out or try to catch up. I just let him be.
Relief, annoyance, fear, contempt. All these emotions competed for my attention. It's funny how the unexpected can change your perspective even a year after the fact. I wasn't ready to see him, not at all.
Overall this weekend has shaken my confidence a great deal. Very, very much in fact. And as these things can ripple forward I am concerned about the impact on my dates this coming Tuesday and Thursday. I was tempted to cancel them. Certainly I may withdraw from the dating scene for a while. Well, actually a couple of guys have recently been in contact via gaydar and Parship and something might, just, come of that so you never can be too sure...
Yes I am, in short, a bit battered by events. Such is life, I suppose. To tackle things I have done my introverted project manager thing and written a list of five discreet ways in which I can be a better person, as a first step forward. Frumpella shall not be defeated! Yet for now I need to keep a bit of a low profile until I feel better.
Saturday, 7 March 2009
Body issues
I had another date today.. and the phrase ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’ has never had as truer ring to it. I’m back at home, and truth be told I’m pretty upset. Very much so, unfortunately. Not the best start to my 200th post, but there we are.
A couple of weeks ago I had a couple over to my place for a bit of casual fun. I had a great time,. These things have always been a particular favourite of mine and in fact a good time was had by all. However – and I know there was no malice in this – as they were leaving one of the couple said, in the middle of more general conversation “you know… we were expecting somebody… smaller”
In my incredulity I asked if he meant shorter and no, he did not. He meant slimmer. So, after so much progress and genuinely feeling good about how I look, I immediately began to develop body issues again!
Since then I have been generally aware that I still need to work on my body to make further improvements. Don’t get me wrong: I actually do like what I see in the mirror but I think I have paid the price for resting on my laurels. And grazing on snacks in the office. Tut, tut.
I had very good friends over to mine last night for a not very good dinner prepared by yours truly - but they provided some marvellous wine, and excellent company so I really enjoyed myself. One thing that these friends; people I came out to a year ago, explained is that I am neither straight acting or looking – hence the lack of surprise on their part at my being a gayer. Yet over the last year I have, I think, made great strides, in becoming a fully paid up self-respecting homosexual. More about what I feel inside than out.
Hence it is very disappointing to be so sad – so badly affected really, by one bad date. Yes, I liked him; the guy who likes ‘older men’. But he was most emphatic about not liking me. To be honest the thing that hurt me most was that he is good looking, funny, charming, outgoing, stylish… he meets every standard that I would wish to measure myself against, not necessarily any future partner.
So I feel, overall, that I am back at square one, wondering what it is about me that no-one, no-one at all wants any part of. Frumpella indeed, ugly and dull but not so much a cheerful fairly today gentle reader.
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Datum
So, then: how are the dates going?
After Friday I was feeling down about it all and thinking maybe this dating business should be put back in its box for a while. Saturday’s date was postponed due to illness (to next Tuesday) which didn’t help. But on Sunday my date went ahead.
We met in the Greenwich Bar and Grill; went for a walk in Greenwich Park and ended up in the Rose and Crown (a nice gay bar). We got on fine and he was fun enough for muches smooches, but no second date! That’s OK. I realised although I’m disappointed he didn’t ‘like’ me, the pertinent issue is whether I ‘like’ him and… no. So he and I left it there.
Monday was for Sam and I; we had dinner at mine, and we had a gooood time. But it has been a bit tough to sustain things and I’m not sure we’ll really keep going. Who knows… we shall see – there is, after all, no rush.
Tuesday: I had a date with a very nice guy who is very much my type. He insisted on paying for dinner (squid salad for me) which I thought was lovely, and we talked over drinks for far longer than I had planned. I will confess I was a little… spooked, I suppose, by the fact he’s only a few months younger than me but had been in a 10 year relationship; got married even! And therefore is at quite the other end of the spectrum from me. He had some useful insights about how both people in a developing relationship need to feel; and how ‘dating’ puts too much pressure on gay men to find Mr Right straight away, almost requiring them to find love at first sight. On my way home I [by text] asked him out again and he today said yes!! So a second date in the offing, hurrah!
Tonight is my quiet night in… and then more dates... double-plus hurrah indeed.
Thursday I have a date in Dulwich with a guy I started chatting to on gaydar and, frankly, just fancied getting to know over just having a causal meet with. Then, after hosting a small soiree for friends on Friday, I have yet another date with yet another guy on Saturday.
Saturday and Tuesday are both in their mid-20s. Mr Tuesday and I get on very well so far; we have been exchanging texts and phoning each other a lot over the last couple of weeks and I have to be honest, holding off having our date for a little while rather than meeting at the earliest possible opportunity has actually worked rather well.
Mr Saturday is someone I’ve been chatting to on and off on gaydar and later on MSN though we’d never quite managed to hook up. So last week he asked forwardly me out, explaining he likes – and you might well, gentle reader, imagine my feelings about this – older men. Good job he’s a bit gorgeous.
Further updates as events warrant…
After Friday I was feeling down about it all and thinking maybe this dating business should be put back in its box for a while. Saturday’s date was postponed due to illness (to next Tuesday) which didn’t help. But on Sunday my date went ahead.
We met in the Greenwich Bar and Grill; went for a walk in Greenwich Park and ended up in the Rose and Crown (a nice gay bar). We got on fine and he was fun enough for muches smooches, but no second date! That’s OK. I realised although I’m disappointed he didn’t ‘like’ me, the pertinent issue is whether I ‘like’ him and… no. So he and I left it there.
Monday was for Sam and I; we had dinner at mine, and we had a gooood time. But it has been a bit tough to sustain things and I’m not sure we’ll really keep going. Who knows… we shall see – there is, after all, no rush.
Tuesday: I had a date with a very nice guy who is very much my type. He insisted on paying for dinner (squid salad for me) which I thought was lovely, and we talked over drinks for far longer than I had planned. I will confess I was a little… spooked, I suppose, by the fact he’s only a few months younger than me but had been in a 10 year relationship; got married even! And therefore is at quite the other end of the spectrum from me. He had some useful insights about how both people in a developing relationship need to feel; and how ‘dating’ puts too much pressure on gay men to find Mr Right straight away, almost requiring them to find love at first sight. On my way home I [by text] asked him out again and he today said yes!! So a second date in the offing, hurrah!
Tonight is my quiet night in… and then more dates... double-plus hurrah indeed.
Thursday I have a date in Dulwich with a guy I started chatting to on gaydar and, frankly, just fancied getting to know over just having a causal meet with. Then, after hosting a small soiree for friends on Friday, I have yet another date with yet another guy on Saturday.
Saturday and Tuesday are both in their mid-20s. Mr Tuesday and I get on very well so far; we have been exchanging texts and phoning each other a lot over the last couple of weeks and I have to be honest, holding off having our date for a little while rather than meeting at the earliest possible opportunity has actually worked rather well.
Mr Saturday is someone I’ve been chatting to on and off on gaydar and later on MSN though we’d never quite managed to hook up. So last week he asked forwardly me out, explaining he likes – and you might well, gentle reader, imagine my feelings about this – older men. Good job he’s a bit gorgeous.
Further updates as events warrant…
Politeness
Sometimes it doesn’t surprise me that gay men are stereotyped as bitchy and superficial; there’s a huge amount of pressure to be and look and act a certain way. This doesn’t make things easy on the dating scene, and can be a bit of a challenge when out looking for something more… casual too.
Recently a couple of guys with whom – separately I might add – I’ve had assignations got in touch to say they had a nice time. I thought this was particularly nice and it was much appreciated. Even if there are a no plans to meet again – and in one instance I was asked out a date though I politely declined – I thought it was very thoughtful to do that. It just shows that while we may like sex, it doesn’t mean we’re bad people.
Conversely, people whom I have politely said “thanks but no thanks” to have proven somewhat persistent and I’ve found it hard to deal with. There are only so many ways once can say ‘no’.
Therefore I can see why people ignore messages from those they don’t want to hook up with. The online cruising world is surprisingly competitive; though manners cost nothing there isn’t the time and the space to chat when you are on a mission!
Speculatively I do wonder whether this all generates a feedback loop where guys pretend to be something they are not – lie about their age, post outdated pictures on their profile etc. In turn guys become more hard-hearted and impolite because they have low expectations of others; he is probably lying so why be nice? And the cycle begins again.
I myself have always tried to be completely honest, and am surprised when that in itself is remarked on as a rare [and precious] quality. And one of the things that has annoyed me is being stood up (it has happened, though mercifully rarely) or abandoned in the middle of an otherwise promising discussion because a brighter prospect turned up.
I can only hope that Mr Right comes to Strumpetville soon, to take me away from all this… actually, I am still having my fun though dates have eaten up my casual-man-fun time recently. Nick (my neighbour-with-benefits) and I have been seeing a bit more of each other recently and a local guy I hooked up with a early in January is becoming a regular visitor so I suppose I’m enjoying a bit of R&R from the cut and thrust of online cruising.
Recently a couple of guys with whom – separately I might add – I’ve had assignations got in touch to say they had a nice time. I thought this was particularly nice and it was much appreciated. Even if there are a no plans to meet again – and in one instance I was asked out a date though I politely declined – I thought it was very thoughtful to do that. It just shows that while we may like sex, it doesn’t mean we’re bad people.
Conversely, people whom I have politely said “thanks but no thanks” to have proven somewhat persistent and I’ve found it hard to deal with. There are only so many ways once can say ‘no’.
Therefore I can see why people ignore messages from those they don’t want to hook up with. The online cruising world is surprisingly competitive; though manners cost nothing there isn’t the time and the space to chat when you are on a mission!
Speculatively I do wonder whether this all generates a feedback loop where guys pretend to be something they are not – lie about their age, post outdated pictures on their profile etc. In turn guys become more hard-hearted and impolite because they have low expectations of others; he is probably lying so why be nice? And the cycle begins again.
I myself have always tried to be completely honest, and am surprised when that in itself is remarked on as a rare [and precious] quality. And one of the things that has annoyed me is being stood up (it has happened, though mercifully rarely) or abandoned in the middle of an otherwise promising discussion because a brighter prospect turned up.
I can only hope that Mr Right comes to Strumpetville soon, to take me away from all this… actually, I am still having my fun though dates have eaten up my casual-man-fun time recently. Nick (my neighbour-with-benefits) and I have been seeing a bit more of each other recently and a local guy I hooked up with a early in January is becoming a regular visitor so I suppose I’m enjoying a bit of R&R from the cut and thrust of online cruising.
Sunday, 1 March 2009
And another thing!
Sam got in touch.
I am at fault in many ways, and the first of these in context is my failure to reveal to you certain things. You see, gentle reader, Sam is well known to my former counsellor. And I learned today that my date falling through is largely due to my former counsellor’s influence.
To say that I was angry could scarcely do justice; and I will express now the thanks due to my friend who let me sound off in so many ways between conversations with Sam, thus giving me the chance to get my mind in order before tackling the Beast before me.
You will know by now I am not the most emotionally mature person, and partly because of it I have very little relationship experience. And many of my friends will acknowledge I have, putting it mildly, a temper. Hey, I’m a Leo with an Aries rising (a Fire Snake for the eastern cohort of you). What can we expect?
A big part of the problem is that I’m in the health service responsible [I’m still very surprised] for public spending, and patient safety; and my counsellor’s programme is publicly funded by that same service. So what to do?
Well, in the first instance I was very, very shouty. The villain of the piece is my former counsellor, there can be no question, but the context of my conversation with Sam was his failure to talk to me. I know a lot about Sam, and it has been my privilege to be trusted in that way but I really had to point out: we haven’t even had DATE ONE YET! How much exactly do you want to know!?
Yes I already knew about my counsellor and Sam. I was in fact going to reveal this knowledge on our date. Hence it rankles all the more to be so poorly treated without even having that chance to be known, and get to know.
I could rave and froth all night at the confluence of justice and duty and desire. How awkward to have maturity thrust upon me in such tortuous circumstance…
No, I simply cannot let it go. I would be dangerously unprofessional to do so. My counsellor deals with vulnerable people who risk being adversely, catastrophically even, affected by his lack of consideration. I am employed in a context where taking it forward will have further reaching consequences than we might expect. And amongst these will be the destruction of the relationship between my former counsellor and Sam.
Yet, for all of this (and we have discussed it), Sam and I are having dinner – our date, finally, actually - on Monday and, thus for me at least, it is a win. Grrrr/Phew! What a night.
I am at fault in many ways, and the first of these in context is my failure to reveal to you certain things. You see, gentle reader, Sam is well known to my former counsellor. And I learned today that my date falling through is largely due to my former counsellor’s influence.
To say that I was angry could scarcely do justice; and I will express now the thanks due to my friend who let me sound off in so many ways between conversations with Sam, thus giving me the chance to get my mind in order before tackling the Beast before me.
You will know by now I am not the most emotionally mature person, and partly because of it I have very little relationship experience. And many of my friends will acknowledge I have, putting it mildly, a temper. Hey, I’m a Leo with an Aries rising (a Fire Snake for the eastern cohort of you). What can we expect?
A big part of the problem is that I’m in the health service responsible [I’m still very surprised] for public spending, and patient safety; and my counsellor’s programme is publicly funded by that same service. So what to do?
Well, in the first instance I was very, very shouty. The villain of the piece is my former counsellor, there can be no question, but the context of my conversation with Sam was his failure to talk to me. I know a lot about Sam, and it has been my privilege to be trusted in that way but I really had to point out: we haven’t even had DATE ONE YET! How much exactly do you want to know!?
Yes I already knew about my counsellor and Sam. I was in fact going to reveal this knowledge on our date. Hence it rankles all the more to be so poorly treated without even having that chance to be known, and get to know.
I could rave and froth all night at the confluence of justice and duty and desire. How awkward to have maturity thrust upon me in such tortuous circumstance…
No, I simply cannot let it go. I would be dangerously unprofessional to do so. My counsellor deals with vulnerable people who risk being adversely, catastrophically even, affected by his lack of consideration. I am employed in a context where taking it forward will have further reaching consequences than we might expect. And amongst these will be the destruction of the relationship between my former counsellor and Sam.
Yet, for all of this (and we have discussed it), Sam and I are having dinner – our date, finally, actually - on Monday and, thus for me at least, it is a win. Grrrr/Phew! What a night.
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