Wow!

The hardest decision I have ever, ever made was not to go home with ‘H’ on Monday night. I’ve never had to walk funny after a date before. Without the other thing that is... ;-)

‘H’ and I met at Leicester Sq (exit 4 should anyone want to start some kind of tour group or something) and it was as close to love at first sight as I’d ever be willing to credit the real world…

The Cheesy Bit: we went to a bar that was, naturally enough, relatively empty on a Monday night; so we got a glass of wine and sat down and talked and when, later he said “I’m hoping for a kiss by the end of the night” (but better than I write it here) I said “you can have one now” and, yes, he had one! And that one kiss had itself one-thousand more…

He moved from the sofa opposite to share the one I sat on, and eventually we sat with him in my arms, my head on his shoulder, the rest of the night spent kissing and talking and just generally CLICKING on every level. And I mean the kind of finish-your-sentences-click you hear about but don’t quite believe. Until it happens!

Amazingly (to me at least) by photo he wasn’t my type, and in truth I was a bit reticent about meeting but we really, really hit it off. So, of course, in my bedazzled infatuation I led him down the wrong street twice on my mission to find Le Bar. But once we were there we spent so much time talking about every detail of our lives and now I know so much about this great guy…

At 10:30[pm], very reluctantly, (and at the increasingly strident and panic stricken suggestion of the bar staff) we made our way home; separately, though, to my eternal and insurmountable delight we had already agreed to meet again, on Friday (my place, DVD, etc etc...)

At the risk of being saccharine these are the texts we’ve exchanged since then:

Mike: Hi! I had a great time meeting you today; can’t wait to see you again. Let’s definitely meet Friday. If not before!

Hxxxxx: Definitely; I’m tending toward before. I had a lovely time and you are a great guy; I was about to text you but you beat me to it. I miss you already (cheesy; I don’t care!)

M: Not too cheesy at all! Want to kiss you all the more. Have a good night. X.

H: Night babe XXX

….Tuesday....

H: Hey Mr… couldn’t help myself thought I just had to say Hi and see how your day is going! XXX

M: Hey you! Been thinking about you all day! Really want to see you again soon.

H: Me too! Am free on Thursday if you want to go for a drink or a meal :-)

M: Friday definitely. But do you want to meet on Thursday too?!

H: I would love to…

M: Hooray! … what time and where do you want to meet on Thursday?

H: Love the Hooray :-p. 7:30?

M: 7:30’s good for me. where do you want to meet?

Etc etc etc etc etc…

Ich bin ein Ratarsedschwein

Am I a bit cheered up? Why yes; yes I am. I realise, by the way, this blog has shown me repeating a cycle of such limited virtue… Must do better, gentle reader! But, once again climbing straight back onto the horse…

Saturday I went to the Gay Coffee Posse, on a wonderful warm summer-like day, where amusingly the organiser tried (and failed badly – I’m amazed the guy wasn’t punched) to take pictures of fellas he liked without them noticing and where, unexpectedly, I met ‘I’. We got on very well, and ended up spending most of the afternoon just talking to each-other, rather than participating in the group. He speaks German, which is handy as I’m German (I also give good French ha ha) and, though we both had another engagement that evening, I really enjoyed meeting him and talking to him and I’ve contacted him to see if he wants to go out sometime.

It’s OK if he says no, by the way. This is clearly something I need to get used to. I think I’ve been spoilt by the fact most of the men I contact at least want to go on a date, and quite often more than that (if only the once). So I should have a reality check!

After GCP I went out with some friends and got utterly hammered so was terribly hung-over on Sunday, though again seeing my friends and having a good laugh was a real boost to my mood - I really don't tell my friends enough how lucky I feel to have them as friends; another thing to add to my list of Things To Do.

I was supposed to see ‘G’ at this weekend too but he had to cancel due to work; we’ve been messaging each other for an absolute age and I’m sure we’ll meet up soon enough. Instead however, I met ‘K’– we’ve been messaging too, and he out of the blue asked me to meet him – and, after a nice afternoon in Greenwich, a good time was had by all. Again, this is someone I don’t really expect to meet again, though I’d be thrilled to; he’s such a very good kisser, and the way he slept with his head on my chest was so endearingly cute.

See, I can learn – though possibly I should learn faster – so now rather than expecting to see someone again and being disappointed when they don’t want to, I will now expect nothing and therefore shall be pleased should anything occur. Wow, talk about taking the long way round!!

In addition I’ve updated the photos on all the sites I’m a member of (no gentleman’s relish, to be clear; just ordinary pictures of me!) – not much chance of disappointing someone that way. At the OUT website one neat thing is you can give someone a ‘thumbs up’ if you like their profile. I have had 87 thumbs up in the month since I joined (yay for me), about 20% of the people who’ve viewed me (yeah, OK… 21.6%... I do the sums...the shame) so it will be interesting to see whether that proportion holds.

It’s all about managing expectations. And then exceeding them ;-)

Ugly Duckling

Well… OK then. Yesterday’s rather flippant post didn’t really tell the whole story about how I’m feeling. The truth is I’m pretty down about things at the moment.

This is because of what happened with ‘O’, but also because the last four (count ‘em) fellas I’ve asked out have made it pretty clear that I’m not their type.

While I know it seems really stupid, it does make me feel ugly and generally unlikeable (if that’s a word). Consciously I know I’m not, of course; whilst I may not win prizes I can turn a head or two (?) and I can be sure I dress OK. God knows the guys who’ve given me a chance have never had cause to regret it on any level.

Nevertheless:

I realise the kind of rejection I’ve had is part of the rough-and-tumble of meeting men, I’m a bit sensitive sometimes and probably a bit self-absorbed with it; and I can get a bit infatuated with no good reason – all loveable traits, I know ;-) – so once in a while it gets to me.

Perhaps one of the biggest problems I give myself (and the only real problems I have are ones I make for myself) is my refusal to give myself a rest; I work all hours – doing work I love to bits to be sure; I never took a minute out when I got dumped; I’m studying; having an active social life; dating….

A couple of good friends have worried to me about burnout, and I take their concerns seriously enough to think about pulling back a bit. No more than two or three men a week then?!

In the meantime, of course I’ll get over it. I still need to finalise arrangements with ‘G’ and ‘H’ and it will be really nice to be among some decent company tomorrow. By the time that’s done I’ll have quite cheered up, I’m sure. Until then the thing I keep trying (and succeeding) to be is positive:

So, then, this is the slightly soppy way it’s going to work:

• I’ll continue to enjoy the cherry blossoms on the trees and walking around London in the spring sunshine;
• I’ll continue to smile when I see couples in love, rather than get jealous;
• I’ll continue to be charmed by puppies, kittens, and babies;
• I’ll continue to flirt with strangers, so there!;
• I’ll stick with the diet and start going swimming again;
• I’ll get a whole new haircut; the lamb-chops are going!;
• I’ll have myself a holiday;
• I’ll go to more classical concerts (I love Baroque), the cinematograph, and theatre shows;
• I’ll always remember the way my friends and family embrace me (awww);

Still, if anyone wants to join me that’d be just fine…

The F-Plan

As you may have seen in previous posts, gentle reader, I have a desire to lose a bit of weight. What better, then, than to try the F-Plan?

It really is quite simple. You have a hearty lunch, then go out on a date and skip both dinner and breakfast. You can have a glass or two of wine in the evening, but the plan also requires you engage in a vigorous regime of indoor sports that should burn about 400 calories a time.

What could be simpler?

Ah, if only it were that simple. The problem is The Rules.

The Rules are:

1. No sex on a first date.
2. Terms and conditions apply to Rule 1.
3. If I use Rule 2 to get round Rule 1 then I only have myself to blame

To demonstrate: My message to ‘O’ met with a very upsetting brush off indeed; I won’t go into details but we shan’t be seeing each other again. I must confess to being somewhat mystified because we really did get on so very well, and even when I left his place on Tuesday he couldn’t keep his hands of me. I’m pretty sure I’m not deluding myself into seeing something that wasn’t there. Well, of course I had a bit of a miserable day today, and today’s the day when most of my friends are not around so there were few people to talk to about it. But, then I realised I’m worth no less than I was on Monday so what the hell; the loss is entirely his, even if I do feel a bit down about it.

Tonight, though, I met ‘M’ for a couple of drinks. He knows I’m still quite new to this so he took me to a ‘gay pub’ near Trafalgar Square. It was a really nice place and definitely somewhere I want to go to again; cheered me up nicely. ‘M’ (a nurse) was really great, and even made me a CD of some tunes I might hear at an event called Duckie he said we should go to. He wants to take me to some ‘scene’ venues and actually I’m quite keen. In fact I can’t wait!

I hope also at the weekend to meet a guy (‘G’) I’ve been messaging via OUT. We shall meet in Greenwich for a few drinks, and see how well we get on. I’m very interested to know more about him; he’s very erudite and witty but doesn’t live in London so I guess it’s a big deal for him to come all the way to, essentially, my local area to visit me.

And on Monday I am looking forward to meeting ‘H’, yet another medical professional (what is it about me and blokes in scrubs?! Freud could have a field day, I’m sure). I’d been chatting to ‘H’ for a while too, but for some reason I thought he was in a relationship; once he told me he wasn’t I was in there like some horned up pink whippet, asking for a date! He seems very similar to me in many respects so I guess it will be… interesting/exciting to see how that works out.

But, first and foremost is the next Gay Coffee Posse! Yes, this Saturday a whole month will have rolled around. Hard to believe it, but here we are!! Next month I intend to take things a lot more slowly. Well, there aren’t that many men left are there?

The Story of 'O'

On Monday I met ‘O’. A short, simple statement for a complex event! Me being me, we had a row even before we met as he called me a name during our message exchange that, having first seen it at an emotional time, I took against. But I later got over myself, apologised for my reaction, and smoothed things over. To give you an idea of how emotional I was at the time, the name called was ‘dingbat’!

We met at Leicester Square (fast becoming a regular haunt) at 7 and went in quick succession to three pubs he chose, having a lot to drink in the process. But we got on famously, and the hours flew by until, at around 11, he asked where we should go next, and I said we should get some wine and go to his place.

And so we did.

I think, however, this may have been a mistake. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time and we didn’t get to sleep till about 7am. But the issue now is I’m uncertain about what’s going to happen next. I do want to see him again, but I wonder if he’ll want to after Monday’s activities? He confessed to being quite shocked at my proposition, particularly in view of my purported shyness (which is all too real, gentle reader, hence the crass proposition, if you see what I mean) and he “doesn’t normally do this”; when I asked him if he wanted to meet again he said “maybe”. Ummm... I suppose whether he wants to meet again is as much down to who he is as it is related to anything I've done (he could have declined my proposition after all!), and I'm sure this is fairly normal angst that most people experience... Well, on Thursday I’m going to send him a message along the lines of:

“Hi,

It was really good to meet you on Monday. I had a great time, and I hope you did too.

When not reacting to imagined insults and propositioning men to hide my shyness, I’m quite good dinner company. And I recall there’re a couple of pubs we didn’t make it to on Monday. So it would be good to see you again; I hope you want to meet up soon.”

Hopefully this message won’t have my friends competing to be first to point out that I’m being pathetic and needy!! But he is quite plain spoken, so he won’t be shy about letting me know one way or another.

One immediate consequence of meeting ‘O’ is that I’m now really tired. So while What'shisname was due to come round tonight, I cancelled. It was rude of me to do so at such short notice, but I explained I wasn’t feeling too well (half-truth) and would make good company (total truth). I haven’t heard back from him; I hope he isn’t too miffed.

Instead, though, as a last minute arrangement, I’m going to the cinema with ‘D’. We’re fast becoming friends, and it’s good to know that the somewhat awkward path we went down hasn’t got in the way of that. I very much want to see the new Mike Leigh film, Happy Go Lucky, as I think it might have some useful parallels with how I'm trying to approach things.

[We ended up seeing One Missed Call, which was quite scary!]

Three's company

This Sunday the sun was shining and I took the time to check my little garden. I was delighted to find that the seeds of last year’s sunflowers had produced enough viable new plants to give me a healthy crop this spring; and the bulbs I planted three years ago have come up again! Also, my slight aphid problem was being tackled nicely by some ladybirds, so no need to cook up some foul smelling mixture to spray them off. And, on top of this, some cocoons that have wintered among my foliage look ready to produce some beautiful butterflies any time now.

Metaphors are everywhere in nature.

I spent Saturday with ‘T’ again, and once more we had a wonderful time. We seem to click on every level, intellectually, aesthetically, physically, and I ended up staying much, much later than I intended to. But it really was great. Virtually perfect, in fact. It put me on such a high to be treated like a prince and worshipped for hours and hours. ‘T’ has a romantic streak that Whatshisname lacks (though I miss Whatshisname terribly when he’s not here) and it’s nice to be flattered and made a fuss of once in a while.

I know ‘T’ is in an open relationship and that’s absolutely fine*, though it does mean we can’t now meet for a couple of weeks (they’re going to Italy for their hols, lucky devils). However, ‘T’s office is just a few minutes from my flat, so there’s always a hope that we can meet on and off in the future, and the next time the boyfriend’s away I’m happy to be the spare squeeze!

The saga of D & L continues (a bit); I had a few text messages from ‘D’ on Sunday – he sounded quite down so I suggested we go out for a boozy lunch to try and cheer him up but he was out of London visiting family. He did say, though, that he realised he was being a bit hypocritical about the whole thing, and that the core of the problem was his lack of confidence about dating/being in a relationship. I do sympathise, but I think he needs to allow himself and the guys he meets time to let a relationship evolve (hark at me!) – and half the fun of dating in the meantime is that you get to me a whole range of men! He also seemed keen to meet up again at some point; so out of Thursday I have gained an amusing anecdote and maybe a friend too – a lot of dates go worse than that, so once again I’ve been lucky, I think.

But, by not meeting ‘D’ I could go ahead and spend the evening with ‘P & L’, a charming couple I met online. At the risk of sounding a painted jezebel, they asked me to join them for some indoor sports and I thought “why not?”. Don’t judge me, gentle reader!

Of course there are rules to these things but I must admit it was a bit weird, especially since ‘L’ seemed so much more into it that ‘P’, who was really into it (though both of them were extremely complimentary). It was an experience, and one that left me feeling quite light headed. But I don’t think I’ll do it again… soon. I hope they had a satisfying time but I’m happy to let it be a one-off.

All in all a very satisfying, experience rich couple of days.

As a finale I’d like to share these things:

I love walking home in the early hours, after indoor sports with a fella; the moon in the sky, the streets to myself, the foxes and cats my only company.

I love flirting with strangers on public transport; the quick eye-catch, look away, eyes meet again… smile… perhaps shift into a more flattering position etc etc.

I love rounding off a day full of indoor sports with some music, a glass of wine, and a good book; a little bit of me time in an endorphin bath.

Tart with a Heart, that’s me.

What a twisted web we weave...

... when we practise to deceive.

Honesty is the best policy, they say, and in my previous post I talked about the need for total honesty in a relationship. Thursday's date with ‘D’ proves precisely that. And the fact that it is a small, small world.

(You may also recall, gentle reader, that I also had a date with ‘B’ on Wednesday; the less said about that the better. We move, never so swiftly, on.)

This date had been rescheduled from last Friday and so I was dismayed when, just as I was about to leave, ‘D’ sent a text to cancel. Well, I’m not having that, I thought, so I text back “I’m sorry to hear that [you want to cancel]. Are you sure? Do you want to meet a bit later/somewhere else?... I’d love to [see] you”

In reply he called and asked if I could just come round to his place. You betcha (!) and date back on. He met me at the station, and asked if I want to go for a drink. I suggested instead that we get some wine and go back to his place, to which he agreed. Oh my, the night was looking good! We'd had a kind of pre-date so we'd met before and it was quite easy just to get talking and it didn't feel awkward suggesting going straight back to his place at all.

At said place we have to go straight to the bedroom, because that is where the computer is, with all the music. I quite understand!! And there we are, a little wine, dimmed lights, some music, and he had me in stitches showing me videos of fonejacker on YouTube… One thing slowly wending its way, in the manner that these things do, to another. All looking pretty fine – except then, unexpectedly, Boyfriend arrives to make a surprise visit.

Bum.

But more, much more than this, Boyfriend turns out to be none other than tall handsome ‘L’.

Mega-Bum-Drawers.

There we were, the three of us, making quite the tableaux for the few seconds we were frozen; then a kind of double-take “you… me… him… er”. And then, of course, it all kicks off.

Now, I’m in an awkward position here, and not in the way I had hoped for; essentially trying to provide some level of relationship counselling whilst looking for my other sock. After all, what is the etiquette in this scenario? People flouncing in and out, tears, text messages, me partially clothed and wondering if there’s any wine left. The evening is nose-diving badly.

To be fair to myself, I’m the one who’s been completely honest here; not in a relationship, quite happy to meet, not exclusive etc etc. And, fair play to the fella, tall handsome ‘L’ was saying (to ‘D’) “It’s OK, we’re still relatively new to this relationship, and we never promised each other anything. Enjoy yourself; doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy ourselves together too”. ‘D’, on the other hand, was complaining bitterly of betrayal and dishonesty and heart-break (somewhat incongruously, in my view, if you consider I was halfway to using his ankles as ear-muffs at the time). Well, 3am rolled around and I decided the needs of manners and politeness had been well-enough served so I ordered a taxi and made my way. ‘D’ was kind enough to see me out and he later sent me a text to say he’d finished with tall handsome ‘L’; I emailed him when I got home to encourage him to think about what he wants in a relationship and to let me know how he’s getting on.

And that was that.

So tonight it was once again to Das Boot with colleagues and I must admit I was cheered up immensely, after feeling a bit down about it all. And: Wonderfully, I’m seeing ‘T’ on Saturday, I have made certain arrangements for Sunday that I may blog about later; Monday I’ve got a date with ‘O’ (He grew up in the same part of the world as me, and it’s the two year anniversary in London for him you see); Tuesday to Wednesday ‘V’ is coming round (yeah, I gave in) and Thursday is my date with ‘M’ (and that one is something I’m particularly looking forward too).

Oh, and I’ve decided to upgrade ‘V’ to 'Whatshisname' from now on.

Keeping up, gentle reader? I should have done this years ago!!

Ups and downs

Sunday with ‘T’ was wonderful. Absolutely great. Met for a couple of drinks, back to his, clothes all over the house. Hours and hours of fun, talking, wine, fun, talking… just a very great, very naughty, day. ‘T’ has a harmless, if lengthy, set of kinks; wear black socks, don’t shave, don’t wear deodorant… At the risk of sounding corny one of my biggest turn-ons is knowing I’m pleasing someone else, so very happy to go along with it. And it was worth my while.

‘T’, like one of my other fellas, already has a partner though, and they’ve been together for years. He was quite up-front about it, as was the other, and assured me that theirs is an open relationship and they both saw other people.

But ‘T’ said he wants to keep seeing me, and I do want to keep seeing him, so I’ve had to think about this a bit more carefully. And my attitude is this;

It’s not up to me to manage your relationship, it’s up to you. I’ll take you at your word; I don’t mind being your lover for however long you want me. But I won’t get involved in dishonesty – I won’t hurt someone else just for fleeting satisfaction. My parents were (and probably still are) serial adulterers and they caused each other, and other people, a lot of pain. I guess that’s taught me not to get hung up on sex = love, though I would still be happy to be in a monogamous relationship as and when the right guy comes along (still a romantic at heart y'see).

‘T’ doesn’t really want to be in an open relationship; that much he has made clear, but his partner does. So when ‘T’ is lonely he picks up men to keep him company in the nicest possible way. And it was nice that he doesn’t want just sex, but also conversation, shared interests. A spare boyfriend I suppose, and it seems that for the moment I fit the bill. Yes gentle reader, quite the courtesan is Mike. I shall have to take up the harpsichord and grape-peeling.

Another ‘up’ has been my increasingly flirtatious exchange of messages with ‘M’. He comes across as this really lovely, together guy; just the right kind of flirtatiousness to be attractive, without being ribald or bawdy. Not many people can carry that off, I’ve found in my limited experience. We’re going to meet up Wednesday or Thursday next week and he’s really keen to show me some ‘scene’ venues and get me more into that kind of thing. He sent me a picture of Kylie for my phone today, which I thought was just so sweet. Yeah, I hope this one leads to good things.

The downs?

Was online flirting again today (can’t stop myself!); after Sunday’s experience I guess I thought it was worth trying again. OK, so. Got private-messaging this guy who seemed up for a meet, and I was certainly up for meeting, but then he became quite aggressive and pushy. Very heavy about not using a condom (no, never, have no fear gentler reader), and about tying me up/immobilising me… challenging me on some of the replies I’d given him earlier… instinct (and, sadly, experience) just said NO! Creepy. My love/hate relationship with this online business is something I’m clearly going to have to be careful of. How long until I am, I wonder?

And of course the lingering effects of ‘L’ just wanting to be friends cast its shadow, Not helped, I might add, by a friend giving me a fairly blunt list of where I went wrong and what I should have done differently, which was meant in the right way but did not help at all. It made me wish I hadn’t published my messages (below) and made myself a fool so publicly. But there they are; make of them what you will. Anyone got some sonnets etc. for next time? Let me know!!

But, the central message is this: I'm having a great time. And tomorrow's going to be even better!

Busy bee

I had three new clients yesterday (lovely lolly) which will keep me busy for some time; the lull that always occurs at the start of the new financial year was helpful this time around as it gave me a bit of space but as things start picking up again I’m going to find it more difficult to be a social butterfly; another element to the juggling act – though I must admit I love being this busy and ‘in demand’ as it were.

Yesterday evening I met ‘J’ who lives close by (small world; turns out his ex is my actual next door neighbour), but he was really down with work-related stress so we talked a lot about that and a range of health and personal problems he’s having. I’m quite concerned about him, but I don’t know him very well so it was a bit draining trying to say the right thing and explore his problems without pushing him or saying the wrong thing. I’ll have to try and catch up with him soon to see how he’s getting on. He said he was still feeling rough today when I texted him.

To be honest, though, I was hoping for a lot more of last night, in terms of indoor sports, so I did the usual thing of jumping online and seeing what was happening. OK. I keep jumping on these sites as a backup, and then feeling a bit foolish later. It doesn’t help, so I need to stop doing that I think. Or being a bit cleverer about it. But today I'm meeting 'T' in a nice bit of south London, and we'll see how we go, so hopefully this afternoon might be a bit more fun.

Also yesterday, as soon as the time was right I sent tall handsome ‘L’ a (really duff) message;

Hi [tall handsome ‘L’],

It was a real pleasure to meet you on Thursday.

I had a great time and although I probably was a bore who only stopped talking long enough to change the foot he had in his mouth, I really would like to see you again. I do find you very attractive and charming; and should we meet again I may even pluck up the courage to kiss you (if that is something you think you might like).

To that end would you like to go out for dinner maybe Friday, Saturday, or Sunday next week?

I really hope to hear from you soon.

Mike.

Followed up with a text a while later;

Hi there. I hope you’re having a good weekend. I’ve sent you a message via [the site where we met] but as I’m no good at this I thought I’d send a text too, to say it was great to meet you and I hope to see you again.

The reply: He just wants to be friends. Shiiiiiiit. That's really really awkward; probably going to cringe about it for ages. Still, I've never been deterred by public humiliation before (if I had been I'd have gone to work in a remote lighthouse many many years ago), so I said OK, let's be friends. We'll see if we ever meet up again!

Shiiiiiit.

Mind you, I'm laughing as I type this so I guess I'll survive.

In the meantime next week is looking quite busy; ‘V’ may come over on Monday, and on Wednesday I’m seeing ‘B’; Thursday is the rescheduled date with ‘D’. I also have ‘M’ and ‘E’ who I’ll each see at some point in the week after (couldn’t squeeze them in this week, you see). I have an exam that week too, so I think this will have to do.

All in all not overly much to be disheartened about; I have decided, despite it all or perhaps because it all, that I need to work more on my self-esteem and get my head in gear because I’m not going to get any better at this without a bit more oomph/va-va-voom/je ne sais quoi/er... thingy.

What this means is I’ll be back on the diet tomorrow (with a vengeance), paying more attention to my oft-neglected friends and maybe even finding a bit of quiet time for myself at some point. Ooooh. Sounds divine.

The smitten kitten

Thursday night’s date was with tall handsome ‘L’.

We met in Leicester Square at 7:30, after I had been given strict instructions to find a nice quiet venue where we could get to know each-other better. Something of a tall order for a Thursday night in this town, but by dint of research and some help from friends I found four venues that I thought would be suitable. Ultimately I took him to the International, which (after I managed to get tangled in the door for a while) turned out to have a very quiet, dark downstairs with large leather sofas, lots of space, and a bit of peace to talk. And talk we did; he is a very charming man and he drew a lot of information out of me and we had a few drinks and a good laugh about things like gaydar (one of the strangest ones I’ve had so far, by the way, is a guy who wanted us both to dress up like various Star Trek aliens and get a bit of intergalactic action going). Essentially a really nice time.

It being an intimate venue I found myself sidling ever closer to tall handsome ‘L’, who I caught checking me out a couple of times, and who has a fine taste in wines, and very nice hands, and eyes, and when we were very close together he pointed out that we were the only two people left in the downstairs bar so I…

…did nothing. Damn, damn, damn it! I really wish I’d kissed him right at that moment.

Anyway, after hours of chatter the time came for him to leave and we walked back to his station, where he said immediately said he’d like to meet me again and I enthusiastically agreed.

Today of course I was tempted to message straight away about how much I enjoyed his company and I really want to see him again and I’ll try to keep my foot out of my mouth long enough to kiss him properly…. Luckily my friends wrestled me to the floor and made me promise to wait 48 hours before contacting him. Something I agreed to very reluctantly, but as a friend pointed out I myself get put off by over enthusiasm and neediness, so don’t inflict it on others. Another friend suggested I invite him over the see my kittens, which I don’t get (I don’t have kittens) unless that’s a euphemism. I’d love to invite him over for a euphemism :-P. So I'm counting the hours (-22:55 tick-tock, -22:42 come on... come oooooon) until I can contact him.

Tonight I was due to see ‘D’ but we’ve had to postpone till next Thursday, which is for the best as I’ve done my back an injury and need to take it easy. To amuse myself I’ve jumped online, and as a reward received a very charming invitation from a lovely couple which I can’t act on! But I will definitely keep that on the back burner… In the meantime I’m meeting ‘J’ tomorrow (staying in, both a bit skint), and on Wednesday I’ll be seeing ‘B’. Yes, gentle reader, I do intend to go through the whole alphabet before I make my final choice!

This video/cartoon contains a small amount of mild sexualised imagery and language that may be unsuitable for some offices, or for young children.

A breathing space

On Monday ‘V’ came round again for dinner, and then we had some wine and watched Shaun of the Dead, and then…

Now he’s away for a week for work so that gives me a bit of space to think about things.

Three strong themes emerge;

1) Indoor sports. As I’ve already stated, gentle reader, this one is good. I’m serious; when he arrived 9:00pm Monday I was in two minds about whether I wanted to see him at all. By 2:00am Tuesday I was raining kisses on his face and promising to be his love-muffin until the very end of time. Considering we squeezed in dinner and a movie too I think I got a good deal. BUT (Aaargh!) for all of this there is one thing we lack – passion.

[What’s that? You lack passion? The neighbours called the police twice last week, and you’ve had to import an asbestos mattress specially… how the hell crap damn can you lack passion?]

Well, OK I probably mean spontaneity, or creativity. When we first spent the day together a little while ago we had a carefully planned itinerary, which was all very exciting for me, and I loved it to bits. Now I realise ‘V’ has practised to the very heights of perfection, oh my, a discreet range of indoor sports; but he has no apparent desire to expand his repertoire. Partly because I’m insane and ungrateful, partly because I am quite passionate and like to play, I really, really do. On Sunday, for example, I’m essentially presenting a range of options to him like some kind of menu: “Porn? Toys? Food? We could go outside… no, wait it’s snowing. Errr… I know where I could get a goat…? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?!”. At the end of the day I want to please him in new and exciting ways; I want him to let me try.

Well, what I’ve done is send him rejoicing on his way, suggesting quite strongly he should not hesitate to enjoy himself while away for work. I hope he does. In return I've said he should be on call whenever I have a rough day at work. I hope he is!!

2) I don’t want to be in a boyfriend/boyfriend relationship with him. There, I’ve admitted it to myself. Perhaps I read too much into it; he’s never really expressed an interest in learning about me, or expressed a strong opinion about anything (except Frankie Howard). Well, the reason I insisted we had dinner and watched the film on Monday was that I wanted to tease some domesticity out of him, get him talking, find out the essential 'V'. Way to backfire; I’m sitting on the sofa for two hours totally 'up for it' cursing myself for insisting to myself that he makes the first move. That didn’t happen (I lasted until the end credits at least). But he did seem quite comfortable to curl up in my arms on the sofa throughout. Discord! Dissonance!!

3) The Truth. I do get a little twinge of excitement about the fact I know he has all these profiles and isn’t using his real name (PS the personalised number plate might not be such a hot idea if you want to maintain your ‘secret identity'); mainly it's because he doesn’t know I know. But, if all we have is a semi-friendship with benefits, and you have no interest in getting to know me, maybe we could just... have sex - and give the goat back - ?

Perhaps I’m still a bit raw to go into a new relationship, but I’m glad I’m not getting infatuated like wot it woz B4. I think I could end up stringing someone along because I like that they like me, which is a bit of a worry. It’s all a bit confusing really; should I stick with it and hope? I think that runs the risk of hurting both our feelings. Should I let him go? I know I'll miss him when he's gone.

Ae fond kiss, and then we sever/ Ae farewell, and then forever...

Oh well, stay tuned gentle reader. Whatever will I post about in the meantime? ;-)

Oh, and before I forget, a big 'shout out' to Stevland; Barnét's top pussy-cat!!

V for Victory

That was the week that was. Five days, five dates, five men. And of those five only one seems to find me repulsive, so I think that’s quite good going. Of the other four, I’ve said to all that I want to see them again, including ‘V’ to whom we will come right quickly, gentle reader…

But am I satisfied? I am not. I really enjoyed these dates, and even the reaction of ‘E’ (“the power of Christ compels you”) is something to laugh about. So I really want to keep meeting men. Bring me more men! Mike is an ungrateful homosexual!! Hence I go online on Friday and start looking out for the next fella(s), and with a typical recklessness that I foolishly embrace, then angelically regret, I propositioned three guys in quick succession. All three, I’m pleased to say, responded positively. So today’s post is brought to you by the letters ‘J’, ‘L’ and ‘D’ and the number phwoarr.

[Whore: brass, cocotte, courtesan, harlot, hooker, hustler, street-walker, strumpet, tart, trollop]

‘J’ I met via gaydar; he lives really, really close by (practically next door in fact) and is about the same as me in age, appearance etc. But with him I think it will just be fun (not ruling anything out of course) and we both seem to be fine with that. Still, Saturday turns out to be rather better than I had anticipated and having a long drawn out Sunday brunch while the snow falls outside, was very nice indeed.

As for the other two ‘L’ is a tall handsome doctor that I’m seeing on Thursday, exact venue to be confirmed, while ‘D’ is an Irish histopathologist that I’m meeting on Friday.

‘D’ is particularly interesting because once we’d arranged the date he insisted that I meet him straight away. The rationale was he won’t go on a date with someone he hasn’t met. Truth be told, I was a little reticent about being summoned to some kind of pre-date check. But, thinking about it, this is a strategy he appears to have developed to overcome a certain tendency toward crassness on his part. Allow me to give you some examples:

When arranging to meet, he asked me to come to him as he “didn’t want to pay the extra train fare”. Who says romance is dead, gentle reader? And when we met the opening line was “Hi. Oh... My hair’s receding too, but it’s not as noticeable as that”. Wow! My clothes nearly fell off right there, let me tell you. Still, it gets stiff competition from such classics as “I really can’t imagine being as old as 30” (you’re 28; it’s coming honey) and “Well, I think financial advisers are…“.

Yet for all this it was obvious he was really nervous. Once the initial hurdles were cleared the guy had some hilarious stories to tell and I have to say now I know what I’m getting I think our date will be much smoother.

However; today’s main event was another day with ‘V’. Because of the snow he asks to come round to mine rather than meeting in town, and he can’t stay late because of a family thing, etc. Well, OK! He arrives and quickly we get down to some indoor sports. All fine, though there are a couple of little niggles I have about the bedroom antics that I won’t discuss right now (remember Mike is an ungrateful homosexual). Afterward I insist we go out for a walk along the river and when we get back I cook us some food and we lie together on the sofa chatting until he has to go. When we talked, I did say that I would like it if he spent the night once in a while; and I’d like to be seen in public with him once in while too! Then, at least, we can see how things develop… To that end he’s coming round for dinner on Monday before he spends a week away for work.

Are we straying into boyfriend territory here then? Well, he is a lot younger than me, which makes me feel somewhat awkward around him though I know he doesn’t see the age difference as a factor. I also find myself wondering if I can feel the same way about him as I did about Darren – and I know I shouldn’t compare them on any level, but I do not, do not, do not under any circumstances want to hurt anyone’s feelings. And that brings us to the honesty factor. ‘V’ has slipped up once or twice so I know the name he’s given me is not really his, and I know he maintains at least four separate profiles on gaydar. At the same time he doesn’t know I’m dating other men, which I’m not prepared to stop until I know where ‘V’ and I are going (the same courtesy extended to him of course) and, I suppose, I have some proof of ID!! We shall have to see...

The good, the bad...

And I’m the ugly…

My first date on Wednesday night was with ‘E’ who I met through gaydar, but who seemed nice and very keen (hmmm, reading that back its sounds like I’m a bit down on gaydar – more on that later). I met him at a floating pub we both knew near my offices, and that I go to a lot with colleagues.

I arrive before him and settle down with a soft drink, but of course forgetting that at low tide the boat sits on the riverbed at an angle; so then said drink immediately slides off the table and ends up all over the floor. Not the best way of settling my nerves (I am very shy, honest I am, and not good with new people. Thank God he wasn’t there!).

He arrives, looking pretty fine, well turned out and just generally gorgeous. Problem is he immediately decides I’m not for him; sometimes you can just tell these things (the look on the face, the horrified recoil, the tears of shame welling up in his eyes at being seen in public with troll-boy hogzilla Mike!). So we have a couple of drinks before he has to leave, apparently consumed with the need to get to work about three hours early…

So then, three hours to kill - and nothing but a general feeling of bewilderment to kill them with. What to do? Well, I decided straight away that this simply wasn’t good enough; so I jumped on a train, went into town, bought new clothes, and a few other gentleman’s essentials; headed back to my office where I changed, dumped the old stuff under my desk, and a sent short text to ‘A’ to say I was free unexpectedly early so 'come and get it'. Refreshed, I head out back on the town. This, by the way, is what I view as exemplifying the positive changes in me through coming out – any other time I would have just gone home in a strop and been beastly to everyone the next day.

‘A’ and I meet at 7 instead of 8, in a very nice part of town indeed, and we go for the by now clichéd drink. We both had unfortunately forgotten that there is a big football match on that night, so the place was rammed and boiling to boot, but we settle down to talk. At this point I’ve basically decided to have a good time regardless of whether the date was going anywhere, so I twitter on about this and that without being too self-conscious about it and after a couple of drinks in the pub he chose we decided to move on. He took me to a charming Belgian sea-food restaurant where we found a secluded table for two and after a couple more drinks, in the candlelight, after staring into his gorgeous eyes for hours, I made it clear that I was all for cockles and muscles alive alive-O, yes indeed.

Sadly he had to go to your actual Belgium very early in the morning so I headed home later that night, yet another with not enough food or sleep! But, he contacted me today to let me know where he got some jewellery I had admired (nice of him to remember I think), so in my immediate reply I suggested we meet up again soon.

And, in the meantime, ‘V’ has asked me out again and we’re going out in Greenwich on Sunday. Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Flying Penguins

So in my loved-up haze this morning I completely get taken in by the BBC’s hoax news item this morning about a colony of flying penguins. It’s a lesson that I really do need to be more alert; completely forgot for a while today what traffic lights are for too. Hmmm… Careful, Mike.

Anyhoo, back to work today and of course I’m totally not in the mood. Lots and lots of emails and remainders waiting for me on my return to the office: I love my work but today is not the day. But, my date’s not till 8 (though he later texted to bring it forward to 7 – joy) so there’s plenty of time to take a good long run up to the day. My arms and legs and everything are killing me, I’m ravenously hungry, and who knows what tonight may bring ;-) ? So I don’t push myself and head off for my date in good time.

Tonight’s date was with ‘N’, who is a lovely, slim, guy from the highlands of Scotland – very nerdy (exactly my type) but with eyes I could just get lost in. He was endearingly keen to meet, and has a kind of vulnerability about his looks (he texted me to let me know exactly what he was wearing, and signed off with ”please don’t run away”. For the moment that’s really cute.). He takes me to a nice pub, and we end up reclined together on a large leather sofa at the back of the upstairs bar just talking and talking about families and music and work (international wholesaler of precious stones if you don't mind). This wasn’t the rather stilted “tell me about you so you can see how good my poker face is getting” small talk, but genuine conversation; vanishingly rare in my limited experience (I’m not winning prizes either, of course). And before I knew it the hours had just flown by, and it was time to head home.

No date, though, is perfect; accidentally locking myself inside the toilets was perhaps not the most scintillatingly gorgeous thing I might have done…and of course juggling the arrangements for my two dates tomorrow at the same time was just not common sense (or strictly good manners, but moving swiftly on). But when we finally have to make our move and go our separate ways I texted him on the way home to say straight away that I wanted to see him again. He seemed to like that idea.

Tomorrow’s dates with ‘E’ and ‘A’ are still on too, but after that I may take things a bit easier. Five dates over as many days; I'll get a reputation... Further updates as events warrant, gentle reader.