A breathing space

On Monday ‘V’ came round again for dinner, and then we had some wine and watched Shaun of the Dead, and then…

Now he’s away for a week for work so that gives me a bit of space to think about things.

Three strong themes emerge;

1) Indoor sports. As I’ve already stated, gentle reader, this one is good. I’m serious; when he arrived 9:00pm Monday I was in two minds about whether I wanted to see him at all. By 2:00am Tuesday I was raining kisses on his face and promising to be his love-muffin until the very end of time. Considering we squeezed in dinner and a movie too I think I got a good deal. BUT (Aaargh!) for all of this there is one thing we lack – passion.

[What’s that? You lack passion? The neighbours called the police twice last week, and you’ve had to import an asbestos mattress specially… how the hell crap damn can you lack passion?]

Well, OK I probably mean spontaneity, or creativity. When we first spent the day together a little while ago we had a carefully planned itinerary, which was all very exciting for me, and I loved it to bits. Now I realise ‘V’ has practised to the very heights of perfection, oh my, a discreet range of indoor sports; but he has no apparent desire to expand his repertoire. Partly because I’m insane and ungrateful, partly because I am quite passionate and like to play, I really, really do. On Sunday, for example, I’m essentially presenting a range of options to him like some kind of menu: “Porn? Toys? Food? We could go outside… no, wait it’s snowing. Errr… I know where I could get a goat…? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?!”. At the end of the day I want to please him in new and exciting ways; I want him to let me try.

Well, what I’ve done is send him rejoicing on his way, suggesting quite strongly he should not hesitate to enjoy himself while away for work. I hope he does. In return I've said he should be on call whenever I have a rough day at work. I hope he is!!

2) I don’t want to be in a boyfriend/boyfriend relationship with him. There, I’ve admitted it to myself. Perhaps I read too much into it; he’s never really expressed an interest in learning about me, or expressed a strong opinion about anything (except Frankie Howard). Well, the reason I insisted we had dinner and watched the film on Monday was that I wanted to tease some domesticity out of him, get him talking, find out the essential 'V'. Way to backfire; I’m sitting on the sofa for two hours totally 'up for it' cursing myself for insisting to myself that he makes the first move. That didn’t happen (I lasted until the end credits at least). But he did seem quite comfortable to curl up in my arms on the sofa throughout. Discord! Dissonance!!

3) The Truth. I do get a little twinge of excitement about the fact I know he has all these profiles and isn’t using his real name (PS the personalised number plate might not be such a hot idea if you want to maintain your ‘secret identity'); mainly it's because he doesn’t know I know. But, if all we have is a semi-friendship with benefits, and you have no interest in getting to know me, maybe we could just... have sex - and give the goat back - ?

Perhaps I’m still a bit raw to go into a new relationship, but I’m glad I’m not getting infatuated like wot it woz B4. I think I could end up stringing someone along because I like that they like me, which is a bit of a worry. It’s all a bit confusing really; should I stick with it and hope? I think that runs the risk of hurting both our feelings. Should I let him go? I know I'll miss him when he's gone.

Ae fond kiss, and then we sever/ Ae farewell, and then forever...

Oh well, stay tuned gentle reader. Whatever will I post about in the meantime? ;-)

Oh, and before I forget, a big 'shout out' to Stevland; Barnét's top pussy-cat!!