Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Time

Much as I want one I’m not really sure I have the time for a relationship. That’s not an excuse, of course, gentle reader; and I’m a firm believer in making the time as needed. Nevertheless the challenges I’ve set for myself – including, ironically, getting better at meeting men both for casual assignations and as NOT-dates – do leave little room.

It’s not the plan to stop looking and sometimes I do feel I had in fact left it too late to start. That’s not because I think I’m too old, but because my time to learn ([16 + (X*3)] notwithstanding) is limited and I still seem not to have an effing clue what I’m doing.

I’m again very busy at work; I’ve been invited to make an ‘expression of interest’ for one of five project roles that are vacant under a new directorate structure. And apparently I’ve been ‘volunteered’ some kind of emergency planning role to do with the impending aporkalypse.

Tonight I arranged online various assignations from tonight through to Sunday. Tonight’s assignation, purely FYI, means I’ve slept with so far this year a simple majority of all the men I’ve ever slept with in my whole life. I’m doing well on the strumpet front, no?

So a busy [queen] bee then.

But I recently promised work and sex and dating were not the sum of Frumpella’s days. And to that end I wrote at the weekend a little wish-list for myself of activities I should do. They include:

• get involved in gay culture. Films, plays, that kind of thing;
• holiday more frequently;
• volunteer somewhere [suggestions welcome];
• go to concerts more often;
• go running.

All related to new Rule 25: if you want self-esteem do estimable things. The aim now, rather than replacing Darren with the Darrenqesue, is a normal gay life where I meet guys and things might happen or not as the case may be. That requires exploring resources both internal and not.

There is a tension in this. I’m learning to be gay in a relatively short space of time, to capitalise on what youth is left to me. I suppose this post is a thinking-out-loud way of fitting the square peg of this adjusted path into the round hole of my mind. But, in search of the effing clue, I think I need to be a bit more intelligent. Intelligence of a sort is one of the few things I’ve got going for me – that and a face made for radio ;-).

It’s not, of course, about lists and re-hashes of lists. But a square peg in a round hole can leave anyone walking gingerly.

This is a truly beautiful piece of music and I’ve searched high and low for it for months…

5 comments:

Nine said...

I would have suggested that if you wanted a slice of gay kul-chure then to go see Jay Brannan at Bush Hall on Saturday but it's SOLD OUT. Dammit.

Gay film is sometimes wonderful, sometimes patchy as hell. Stuff that never should have left the cutting room finds its way to cinemas and DVDs. Sorting the wheat from the chaff is an exhausting task!

Most of the best gay movies are very downbeat and deal with serious topics (such as HIV/AIDS etc in the 80's). There's not that much decent feel-good stuff out there. "Trick" is cute.

I love the work of John Cameron Mitchell, particularly "Hedwig & the Angry Inch" and "Shortbus" (with it's purely plot-driven orgiastic sex scenes). I remember seeing it in the Curzon Soho cinema (a good venue for gay/arthouse movies) and being shocked at the 'climax' of the first scene!

Volunteering is very hit and miss. We volunteered one Pride to hand out information an anti-hate crime initiative. We ended up doing more work than the organisers as we were their 'minions'. By the end of the afternoon I was chasing after cute muscle guys to give them leaflets about domestic abuse. Swings and round-abouts.

Concerts are where the music scene is today. It's not about pre-recorded stuff, it's about the experience of seeing a band play live.

Gauss Jordan said...

I was talking with a friend about dating, being "out" and how that's going over lunch. He's convinced that I need a gay mentor, to get moving in the "right" gay social circles, learn what to do and not do, and so on.

I'm starting to get convinced of that too. Of course, I only know one gay couple locally that I'd even remotely feel comfortable asking questions to, and they're about twice my age. I realize, now, that that's just an excuse for inaction. However I just can't imagine asking this guy that I used to work with "Hey... so I'm gay... can you help explain to me the things I don't know?" The problem is, I don't know what I don't know.

Mike said...

Thanos for giving my ramblings some direction! I'd always avoided gay culture because I was 'in'. I still suffer from a hangover of that attitude. I think much work remains... :-)

Gay mentoring was a bit like what my ill-fated venture into counselling was meant to do. Hmmm. I still think mentoring itself can have a hugely positive impact but it may not be for me!!

Nine said...

In some ways I had a 'gay mentor' when I came out of my first relationship. I met bf #1 over the (early!) internet and we never did anything 'gay', apart from the obvious. After we broke up I hooked up with a guy who took me under his wing and showed me bars/clubs and introduced me around.

I think that helped me a lot as I had no clue where to go etc.

For socialising, going to any of the bars on or near Old Compton St is a great start, though it's always easier to go with a friend so that you're not just standing around looking lost :-)

Boyz and QX magazines (which are online now, I believe) are obviously great starting points.

The internet scene wasn't as prevalent a few years back. Nowadays it seems like that's almost overtaking face-to-face social interaction.

Mike said...

I love Soho and Vauxhall and QX and Boyz too ;-)

I doubt I'll ever be 'scene' though whta little I've sampelde I've loved. And I habe good friends who really hlep me get out there. Dating helps too of course. Bt without he internet I would be lost, lost, lost.