Saturday, 23 May 2009

Star

There are five main themes to my life:

· Career and business
· Health (physical, mental and spiritual)
· Friends (and family)
· Sex and sexuality
· Love and relationships

For four out of five I don’t think I’m doing too badly. The last of them, well; I have to keep reminding myself I’m only 19 in gay years. So things are as they should be, perhaps. Perhaps.

The only thing I am truly proud of about myself is above average intelligence. Somewhere around the 145 mark on the IQ scale depending on the test and how much I’ve been drinking; not record breaking by pretty good. Frumpella is also a Mensa fairy, you know :-)

Sleeping with lots of people – but not just anyone; I’m not a troll! – helps, or at least helped, me feel attractive. Being considered good in bed in some ways validated me coming out. Now I’m looking at numbers and wondering if it isn’t time to dial it down a notch. As Robin Williams said men have two heads; but can only think with one at a time. With my sexuality I try to keep my wits about me and should get more involved with all the things I’d avoided before like the plague; going to gay themed films and plays etc.

I’ve been very focused recently on career development; I am quite determined to make progress this year. But it’s more than mere grading or remuneration. I need to know I’m considered good at what I do. And because of my self-confidence issues that means working really hard so I can acknowledge to myself I might be at least OK.

My friends are, as they have ever been, brilliant and I’m very lucky. I’ve never been good at meeting people but I have over the years developed a group of wonderful people for whom I don’t do enough and who probably don’t realize how much they mean to me. Without close family it is hugely important to me that they are there on so many levels.

I’ve been exercising a lot recently and I feel great. I’m really getting into fitness, though of course the results will take time. Again, I need to be fit, well dressed, etc to believe that I’m, in the attractiveness stakes… at least OK.

But finding Mr Right isn’t like that. You can’t really apply intelligence to finding love. If you could dating would be easy… but dull. I know what to do in all the areas of my life - even if I can be lackadaisical in doing them sometimes – except that last point on the star. And that, gentle reader, is a pity.

Because it doesn’t matter how pert my bum is or how healthy my bank balance if I sit and eat dinner at home alone; wake up alone; come home to an empty house. I really hope I find Mr Right someday… someone who will be proud of me and all my hard work and who will make it all worthwhile.

3 comments:

mm said...

It is always painful to want and not have. The same would be true for the other four points but perhaps because you desire point 5 so much, it pains you more. Being the intelligent man that you are, you know these things have a way of just happening. The fears about being a rebound man may prove completely unfounded with you and fella ....or you may meet someone next week who runs away with your heart. My take is if you meet a 'beautiful' (I mean in that 360 kinda way) man - run with it and see where it takes you.

He's out there...so don't stop looking !!

Monty said...

There is absolutely NO doubt in my mind that you will find Mr Right! And that he will think himself one VERY LUCKY man to have you!

Rule 11 my friend...I'm a HUGE believer in Rule 11 and you're doing exactly the right things to make all the good stuff happen to you!

Mike said...

I am being somewhat impatient, that is true. And my self-development is for me, not to hook some guy. But it would seem a shame not to share it with Mr Right; and not to support him as he develops too - it being a two way street. But I really hope I meet someone sometime. The sooner the better really... but only time will tell :-)