Monday, 11 May 2009


I met a couple at the weekend who had been together for more than 20 years. They live in a beautiful house a couple of miles from me. One a teacher, his boyfriend used to work in publishing. They have taken early retirement and spend their time between their house in London and a small cottage in Wales.

Being with them, in their home, listening to hear them recount the gay history of my area; the discreet pubs and drag acts and cruising spots that over the years have disappeared, it was very interesting. It was also very pleasant to watch and hear them reminisce and bicker. It reminded me of my grandparents; the way they kept a huge proportion of their life experience in someone else’s head. It felt very safe, like home; and it was exactly, exactly why I want so much to find someone to share my life with until our life is done.

International got in touch with me at the weekend. He had texted me but I ignored this which I felt a bit guilty about, but considered was for the best. So he sent me a long email instead. His situation is unchanged; he remains with Ouch. They are having a Eurovision party to which he would invite me but he does no yet feel he is ready for us to be friends. He wanted to know if I had found somebody else. Don’t know why he bothered to contact me really. A while ago I suppose it might have felt a bit torturous to be reminded of what it and might have been. Now I just think WTF?

I replied to International explaining I have a great job, friends and sex-life to the search for Mr Right is taking the back seat at the moment. I did not explain that all the things I want to do, over the next few months, are to show myself I can do better than him, and find someone who does want to be with me; and who will never regret it.

Because for all my great job, friends and sex life there is the gap between them all that is snuggling up to someone as you wake up in the morning; holding hands as you walk down the road; having that someone who makes you smile when you think of them. Those are the things I want, and I miss terribly. I feel a bit sad that I may have to wait a while to share them. But I’m still having fun, still am very busy. It’s not all wistfulness and deep sighs! I even start my new exercise and diet regime tomorrow. There’s just that gap that I can’t seem to close by myself…


Monty said...

The snuggling and holding hands etc will come in time with a man who'll rock your world (and be very very hot), and when it happens, you'll think all of this searching and heartache and dating etc etc were all worthwhile! Big hug!

Mike said...

I suppose you are right. O course, you have been lucky - or as lucky as you deserve to be, as you're a great guy. Cross fingers I'll be like you!! x

Gauss Jordan said...

Yeah, I know an older couple from work. One's a manager, the other a team lead. Hanging around with them is an uplifting experience.

And cheers for the friends, job, and sex life! I've got 2 out of the three... haven't gotten laid in over a year? I think? Probably longer. Grr. I probably need to stop hanging out with married couples.