Wednesday, 1 April 2009

April Fool

I’m going to make a confession, gentle reader. I haven’t really been a cheerful fairy at all recently. I think it’s time to face the facts.

Just over a year ago my world was turned upside down by Darren dumping me; and I was going through the process of coming out to friends and family and, well, anyone within earshot basically. I then embarked on a never-ending] spree of dating and casual sex that led to some short term romances and, famously, International.

Right now I feel like I’m at square one. I’ve never really explained - or acknowledged to myself before now – how much I miss International. It actually has been, recently, a real struggle not to call him and try to get him back (for a given value of back of course, given our/his situation). I feel like I’m coming out to my mother all over again! And after a couple of highly unpleasant dating experiences my confidence has been shot to pieces.

History repeating.

So, not unlike last time, it took a video I found on YouTube to break through my bright demeanour. The one below has had me in floods of tears night and day for a little while now. It’s really beautiful, both the video and the song. And, in many ways, the way forward for me is summed up by the line “I’d rather be working for a paycheque than wait in to win the lottery”.

Maybe I’m over the worst and I’ll be fine tomorrow. I think things will be alright… but I am going to take the next week and 'sort my life out'. Starting with detoxing my flat and scrubbing it from top to bottom; then reinvigorating my wardrobe; and finally really getting back into regular exercise again. Plus, of course, learning how to meet guys in the Real World and taking advantage of what Strumpetville has to offer.

Of course I can’t do that until I’m confident in myself so it might, just possibly, be a little while. Friends tell me I set impossible standards for myself and consistently recently have told me the bar is too high. But I’ve always achieved what I want, even if I am a late starter sometimes… and I need to be sure I’m right. This isn’t going to work, then, while I’m at a low ebb.

I currently have no dates lined up, though one guy has asked me out so I suppose there’ll be one soon. I may leave it a week or two till I’m more settled. And I’m chatting to a couple of others via Parship and the recently rejoined Soulmates.

I’m not a total loss it seems ;-). Boyfriend in potentia, which is nice to know. My assignation this past Monday was also exactly what I needed at that point too. Oh, I suppose I'm on the mend. It’s not all bad gentle reader. Further updates as events warrant, yes indeed. And do watch the video.


Antony said...

It's International's loss! Keep your chin up. Perhaps you need to try meeting guys somewhere than the usual pubs and clubs?

Warm, cuddly, lovely hugs,

Antony x

Mike said...

I think you're probsbly right!