With perfect timing – as I was just beginning to move forward – International got in touch.
He sent me a very long, carefully worded and very sweet message explaining how, though he does not want to get back together, he still loves me; and how much he feels for me in a number of ways.
I was chatting to a friend of mine when the message came through, and it just happened to catch my eye but somehow I just knew this message (we’ve remained in touch since The Split) was somehow portentous…
After a quick glance at the content I simply couldn’t talk to my friend any more so left the conversation and headed off to get some wine, instinctively feeling this would take time and booze to assimilate. And so, sitting quite uncomfortably, I began.
It really was a sweet message, recognising that we couldn’t carry on while he was in another relationship he had no intention of ending; and that in his view I deserve someone who could give me 100% of himself 100% of the time.
I wish I could post the message here… but I shan’t because it is not fair on him. And the same holds true of my reply. But in response I did say that as he still loves me so I love him and the process of splitting up is still one we both have to come to terms with. And as for me, I feel in many ways he was too good for me and he deserves every happiness.
It remains to be seen whether we shall truly become friends. International and Darren are probably he only true relationships I’ve had in the last year – or ever when it comes to men; my constant infatuations with this guy or that in the meantime notwithstanding. So it’s not easy for me to understand what is happening or will happen as the two Endings are completely different.
For some reason, strange enough to me to mention here, I’m really angry with Darren. I vaguely suspect he either should have broken up with me properly or not at all… odd though. And I also seem to want to talk to my mother, though relations have been somewhat strained since I came out to her – immediately after Darren abandoned me, actually. Hmm.
As for the rest, I am very very sad tonight which is a pity as otherwise things have been going rather well (and I don’t mean sex, for a change; more about this later )
So forgive me if I stick two fingers up at Valentines Day this year, gentle reader. It’s the Cheerful Fairy’s night off!
2 comments:
Mike
without knowing the content, it's for his benefit,titilation. For him to feel power coming, for him to feel better.
For him to keep a card. Fuck buddy. Trying to have his cake and eat it maybe, definitely.
But you see that of course.
ahoj
It was a sweet message, but of course he wrote it for him. It's interesting he's having a hard time over us splitting up. Something about which I'm entirely neutral; but yes I was trying to make him feel better when I replied.
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