And then I came across a clip on YouTube from some TV show I’ve never even watched (access it here) and for the first time it hit me; Darren’s left me. I’m on my own again.
I’m sure it’s partly the emotional release of having done one of the most difficult things anyone can ever do, but once I saw that clip I really began to cry. And not the discreet tears of a classy gay-guy (may be he's upset, maybe his Kylie tickets came through), but great sobs and wails of anguish that went on until about 6am. I mean, I just couldn’t stop. It’s not even that great a clip!
There's a line in the song that goes with the clip about "when they carve my name in stone..." which is the bit that still gets me going, because I feel that next to my name on the gravestone (assuming I'm not first against the wall when the revolution comes) will just be a big blank space. Or maybe, if there's room, it could be carved "Mike: degrees in physics and economics; good career in the public sector; made his zillions in the private sector; could do this thing with a condom and his tongue he was pretty proud of; but no-one ever loved him."
Temporarily, at least, the prospect of dating other guys and the positive experience of coming out gave me a shield that allowed me to think I could deal with this in my own good time. But, no, heartbreak it seems has its own schedule.
I sat there thinking about how it’s taken more 15 years to get this far and all the stupid, stupid, stupid things I’ve done along the way and how I don’t want to go through it all again. And I cried about leaving it this long and how, if I’m not that attractive or fun to be around, I’m going to be pretty damn lonely. I spent so long behind a façade of not needing anyone, “I’m focussed on my career/business, friends, community”, it’s really difficult to be made to feel an idiot (a fat idiot if we want to be technically accurate). Basically, I didn’t realise it was going to be this hard and yet still find myself still on Square One.
So, gentle reader, as you might have guessed my confidence has taken a bit of a knock and while I thought I could get straight back on the horse, it ain’t necessarily so. I actually wonder if I should disappear somewhere for a little while, lick my wounds, and grow well enough to try again....