Saturday, 15 March 2008

My relationship

Being in a committed, stable relationship with another man is totally different from being in a relationship with a woman. And I'm not just talking about the fuzunjulation of my vuduedium.

One of the things we’ve both found most difficult is reconciling our expectations of each-other and putting our relationship on an equal footing. One mistake I made was assuming that our relationship was automatically monogamous – we’ve been seeing each other for just under seven months, and neither of us has been with someone else, but I was surprised by how carefully we’ve had to explore our attitude to fidelity. I don’t want an open relationship, and as I’ve said to Darren before if he sleeps with his ex I’ll kill them both. I do, however, accept that though love, companionship and sex are the root of what I have, I can’t expect (and I’m probably not ready to give) a 100% seven days a week nothing-but-you commitment.

I’m really pleased how sensitive Darren has been to me coming out (like encouraging me to do this blog). It helped that I was honest about my lack of relationship-experience with him, so that he gave me some space and when I was ready to be with him we’d already learnt a lot about each other. One way he has helped me/us most was having us both take a psychometric test (at designed for people who want a full relationship with someone of the same sex. Darren and I both registered and took the test, and our results showed;

  • neither of us operates by instinct. I’m more rational, he’s more emotional;
  • I’m more willing to conform to social norms and rules than him;
  • both of us have a good combination of vivacity and common sense;
  • our relationship, where we spend about ½ the week together and half apart doing our own thing suits us both very well;
  • I’ve become much more extroverted;
  • he’s more domesticated than I am (which surprised us both);
  • I avoid conflict, and he does not;
  • I react badly to being let down by people;
  • neither of us is ‘passive’ in a relationship;
  • we each bring out the feminine side in the other.

These results calmed us both down and made us realise we both have to work hard. I began to understand he was just as committed to me as I was to him, and he began to understand he wasn't as secure as he thought he was. But we're still passionately crazy for each-other and I love him, and I love being with him, and I love the idea of being with him more and more and more.

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