Walkie Talkie

Every relationship has its ups and downs – I’m told at least. I observe. As you know, gentle reader, I am no aficionado of relationships and my experience is limited. Also, and in part because of this, I get quite infatuated and angst-ridden.

So when things are less than perfect it is difficult for me to understand what is going on. I sometimes wonder if I have some kind of highly-specific relationship autism. Christ, I’ve been through before enough how introverted I am and how my less than ideal upbringing didn’t quite draw me out of my shell. Didn’t exactly help with the gay thing…

I’ve also talked before about a distance Fella likes to keep between us; so whenever I get close to him he draws back. whenever I pull away he pursues me. Recently I perceived this gap to be closing. The way we laughed, the way we made love, the things we did together over the last couple of weeks have been so great.

This last few days it’s like we’ve gone into reverse. He’s returned to ignoring some of my texts and emails and of course he doesn’t respond when I ask what’s wrong. Then when I decide to leave him be for a while – to save me explosively loosing patience – I receive email after email…

I was worried tonight that he would want to break up (see the angst! Do you see??). We had a drink and chatted for a while but I have a bit of a cold and work’s been so busy lately… I was too tired to make a night of it. We parted ways around 6:00pm.

We talked about how we would dump someone if we wanted to; and how it is wrong to use sex as a weapon. When we talk we often talk in metaphor and simile. A consequence I think of our early rows when it was – as it still is – Early Days. We talked about Fella’s birthday, and what we would do, one the day some six weeks away from now. And upcoming dinner parties. And future nights out. And... I went home reassured.

He’ll be here this weekend, hurrah, and I look forward to having him. I always miss him when he isn’t in my arms at night. It’s strange on the one hand to fight to keep hold of him, by maintaining a measure of emotional distance; and on the other fighting to hold onto him because that’s the only way I sleep at night.

I’ll tell you one thing… if we did split up I’d try to understand but I can’t imagine being single again *touches wood*.