Sadness

I had a bit of a rough day today. All manner of petty trials and disagreements conspired against my mood. One of the nice things about being in a relationship is that I was able to turn to Fella for *hugs*. But still, not so pleasant.

Friend/colleague/evil ‘C’ pointed out to me today that I tend to flirt with office eye candy a lot more when my mood is low. This got me, as these things will, to thinking…

It occurred to me, gentle reader, that I go for guys because I have a low opinion of myself; that I feel inadequate.

Shock

Horror

Divers Alarums

Careful thought.

God knows I like my man fun - and rarely if ever feel I get enough. Is this second hand epiphany result of my journey – perhaps my only, perhaps the first of many – between one monogamous relationship and another? Or perhaps because I had bad, bad day. Is it true? Is it??

The office is pretty full of eye candy at the moment. Goodness I do like thin tall guys, slightly nerdy, and in glasses [cue friend ‘A’?] and it is raining those guys in Victoria at the moment…

So here I am. In a relationship with a great guy; but still looking at guys wanting them to want me. See what I mean (longest standing and most gentle of all readers) about only being 19 in gay years? Goshdarn. I suppose the nice thing is I’m not actively trying to sleep with other guys (though if Fella hadn’t turned up…).

I suppose it shows how things come full circle. The whole point of coming out – when I was with Darren – was to come to terms with myself and make gay friends; explore gay culture and so on. My erstwhile heartbreak over him comes from being abandoned at the start of that journey. Perhaps I haven’t grown as much as I might suppose if I still meet gay guy guys and think “sex?” not “friend?”

Well, Rules 1, 2 and 3 are on the shelf right now so low self esteem or no it’s time to just grow up about the fact nothing can happen with guy X, Y, Z and instead… I dunno… treat them like straight-plus?

These things will have to happen on their own I think. I will admit my problems always seem small compared to those of others and that’s reason number 17 I need my friends around me – gay or straight – but at least now I know and they do tell me that knowledge is power.