Tuesday, 11 August 2009


I had a bit of a rough day today. All manner of petty trials and disagreements conspired against my mood. One of the nice things about being in a relationship is that I was able to turn to Fella for *hugs*. But still, not so pleasant.

Friend/colleague/evil ‘C’ pointed out to me today that I tend to flirt with office eye candy a lot more when my mood is low. This got me, as these things will, to thinking…

It occurred to me, gentle reader, that I go for guys because I have a low opinion of myself; that I feel inadequate.



Divers Alarums

Careful thought

God knows I like my man fun - and rarely if ever feel I get enough. Is this second hand epiphany result of my journey – perhaps my only, perhaps the first of many – between one monogamous relationship and another? Or perhaps because I had bad, bad day. Is it true? Is it??

The office is pretty full of eye candy at the moment. Goodness I do like thin tall guys, slightly nerdy, and in glasses [cue friend ‘A’?] and it is raining those guys in Victoria at the moment…

So here I am. In a relationship with a great guy; but still looking at guys wanting them to want me. See what I mean (longest standing and most gentle of all readers) about only being 19 in gay years? Goshdarn. I suppose the nice thing is I’m not actively trying to sleep with other guys (though if Fella hadn’t turned up…).

I suppose it shows how things come full circle. The whole point of coming out – when I was with Darren – was to come to terms with myself and make gay friends; explore gay culture and so on. My erstwhile heartbreak over him comes from being abandoned at the start of that journey. Perhaps I haven’t grown as much as I might suppose if I still meet gay guy guys and think “sex?” not “friend?”

Well, Rules 1, 2 and 3 are on the shelf right now so low self esteem or no it’s time to just grow up about the fact nothing can happen with guy X, Y, Z and instead… I dunno… treat them like straight-plus?

These things will have to happen on their own I think. I will admit my problems always seem small compared to those of others and that’s reason number 17 I need my friends around me – gay or straight – but at least now I know and they do tell me that knowledge is power.


Gauss Jordan said...

Hey, Happy (Belated) Birthday!

"Perhaps I haven’t grown as much as I might suppose if I still meet gay guy guys and think 'sex?' not 'friend?'"

I know the feeling. I set out looking for friends, but realized a while ago that I'm looking for both -- and not necessarily from the same guys...

MadeInScotland said...

low self estime. Apperently Boby P's mther had the same. It's a killer. And it effexs your spelling and puncchation to.oo.

do you ever go window shopping? You look, but you never buy...

tomorrow you will be better


Gauss Jordan said...

Aww. I feel for you. Just yesterday, I think I did more harm than good at work, and was feeling sullen when I ducked out of the office. Dinner out with friends, however, completely turned that around. We ended up staying out until about 10:30 (we got kicked out of the restaurant at 10, and just kept chatting outside on the sidewalk).

Sounds like your guy provides that sort of support for you. Aww. :-)

Hope the rest of your week turns out better,

Antony said...

Awwe, hugs.

We all feel like this from time to time, I guess you could say it's normal.

I also agree that most gay men tend to meet other gay men and this "sex?" rather than "friend?". Makes me sigh at times.


Antony x