Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Place your bets

I don’t think, in the last 18 months or so - between Darren dumping me and finding Fella - I’ve put myself about too much. I mean, we’re not talking hundreds and hundreds of guys or anything; and I’m still pretty much non-scene.

Be that as it may, it seems I can go nowhere with Fella without an ex popping up. I’ve already mentioned randomly bumping into International at Pride. But before that Mr Christmas was in the same bar as we the week before; Mark was on a train home… on each and every occasion I’ve made sure that I didn’t let it cramp our style but it’s tough, I think, to draw a line between careful indifference and putting on a show. It wouldn’t be fair on Fella for a start.

I’m not very good at keeping in touch with exes. Dates come and go, and assignations literally so; I’ve never been confronted with the ghost of guys past. Now wherever I turn…

Fortunately I’ve been on relatively good terms with virtually all the guys I’ve ever met. I’m not the kind of person who makes a big drama of a break-up. Quiet dignity is my forte – partly because I’ve rarely been that close to guys I’ve seen, and partly because I simply wouldn’t give them the satisfaction ;-) But also, I think, because I’ve not been out long enough to close too many doors. It is a case of hedging my bets and it seems old habits die hard.

Luckily monogamy presents no trials for me in this case. But I still feel called on to make a choice. It’s not a choice I resent, or that I want to avoid. But I did not expect to have to make it now. It is a choice to Trust; that this path is better than that; that Fella is faithful to me as I am to him; that… well, we can talk about that another time.

I never thought Trust would be a matter of conscious choice, or at least as much as this. But I am glad to choose to Trust. It makes things a lot easier, in the end. The risk I am taking is of course that my Trust could be betrayed; that I am placing all my eggs in one basket and could perhaps be ruined. On the other hand Trusting him makes all my angst disappear (a good trick indeed). No need to interpret or worry about this comment or that action.

So the choice is made. As the old joke goes, I’ve jumped off the cliff; I’m halfway down; and so far, so good.


Anonymous said...

This is going to sound weird, but way-back-when (single days) I never had an issue with the concept of monogamy when first meeting someone. If I like them enough to want to spend time with them then it just naturally follows that I don't want to spend time running around looking for alternatives.

The flip side is that if I liked someone enough to shag them but not enough to date I had no problem continuing to do so even whilst keeping an eye our for the next Mr Right Now.

I have a feeling, though, that it may have been that at the time I didn't have a huge circle of friends, or at least non-sexual friends, so I wasn't out socialising in gay circles, which puts you right slap bang in the way of temptation, I guess.

Nobody seems to want to admit that sex with one guy (over and over) can be more rewarding than sex (once) with many guys. It's as if it's not macho or something.

Hubby and I may occasionally bring someone else into our bed for no-strings fun, but even without that our sex life would be stunningly good, even after a decade (or perhaps expecially after a decade).

Monty said...

I actually did a post about this around NY 2007/2008 when I was in a bar with Darth Gateau and kept seeing exes pop up! It does happen, but the thing is Fella is going to be in the same position, so it's nothing to worry about. You trust that he is doing the right thing, and he is doing the same back - trusting you. It is a two way street my friend, so enjoy the ride.

PS We soooo have to meet up next time I'm in London! Or next time you're in Sydney!!! :-)

Mike said...

Nine: I know exactly what you mean. Your shag-not-date guys remind me of my friends with benefits (OK - fuck buddies then!); and I met them in an oeffrt to expand my circle, pardon the pun... I'll admit the sex lfe between Fella and I does get better and better; and that may inspure my next post :-)

Mike said...

Monty: that's true - I never thought Fella would be in the same boat (we've talked and he's MUCH more likely to be, actually!! Trust really rocks, I have to say.

I know you are coming over to sunny Blighty at some point; you better be in touch to arrange a few beers mate!

Antony said...

I can't talk about the sleeping with many guys once, as I've never done it. I'm not an angel, I have had fuck buddies - for me their needs to be the aspect of knowing the person. But hey that's just personal.

I've certainly been in the same situation when I was going out with David, around every corner am ex. And I've not even put myself about either. I think it's part of that we-live-in-a-small-world. As long as your relationship has solid honest foundations you'll both be fine when you see ex's. Simply remember that they choose to be with you.

And take him not for granted.


A x

Mike said...

Perhaps you mean friends with benefits? Fuck buddies are just there for sex, if I'm sticking to dictionary definitions. Though I've often confirmed, in my mind, a lot of guys seek intimacy through casual sex. I'll admit I seek, or sought, casual sex through casual sex!

I do agree that a good foundation helps, though I haven't really discussed it with Fella so who knows what his attitude might be?