Monday, 27 July 2009

Casual fun

Being with Fella is great…

Wait! Wait, Gentle Reader: this post is different, I promise.

As I was posting: being with Fella is great but sometimes I miss causal sex.

And, before you ask: no, I’m not having casual sex. As I’ve intimated before the sex with Fella is fantastic, and keeps getting better. Which is great; not only in and of itself, but because sex is a huge dimension of any relationship for me and I have a high sex drive in any event.

I ended up spending the weekend with Fella after all; he invited me up on Saturday afternoon and I ended up spending Saturday and Sunday nights. This in turn led to a walk-of-shame scenario on Monday when I had to buy shoes, shirt and shoes anew before going into the office. I remember looking about his house as we left this morning and - apart from the kitchen, which as the gourmet Fella is, he was somewhat reticent about defiling – I think we gave a good account of ourselves.

*ahem* anyway… causal sex, wasn’t it?

Fella is my Nth lover this year; and my tally for 2009 runs to N+2 because of some fun with a couple of guys shortly after our first date. Now, we’re proper boyfriends and that and we’re totally monogamous. Fella has made absolutely clear his expectations and as I’ve always posted, I’m fine with things either way.

Before I met him I was toying with the idea of trying some ‘proper’ cruising. There are quite a few places very near to where I live and with the long summer evenings… plus I was thinking about gyms and saunas and clubs other places I could go for casual fun. Expanding my horizons beyond the online assignations - perhaps a reflection more of budding confidence than sinking depravity? I think so.

A lot of my gay friends aren’t into causal sex. The single ones I encourage to enjoy themselves, on the grounds you are only young once, and sex is rather nice. Fella and I joked this very weekend that for gayers (much as it was for us) it’s sex first; relationship later. Should things with Fella not work out I will happily return to that way of things – and it seems an appropriate back-up plan!

As much as the physical side of a relationship is important to me, love and sex aren’t the same thing and I never got infatuated with someone because of sex. However, after coming out and getting dumped by Darren I did measure my attractiveness and thus a huge part of my value as a person through casual encounters. Should I go back to being single, I guess I’d be back to square one…

Right now, though, I try to show my attractiveness by being a good boyfriend [yay]! But alongside that I’ve realised I need to keep working on my health and wider social life. For the first time I realise the amount of work that needs to go into make a relationship work. Fun; but not casual.


Monty said...

HINT: Keep some shirts/jocks/socks etc at Fella's place! I've ended up with half my wardrobe at McBrad's place and in many cases, I've now got two of some things as I never know which house I'll end up at. Eventually, we'll move in together, but in the meantime, it does take some organization. :-)

Anonymous said...

Now I'm confused. Is it casual or causal sex??? The latter sounds rather existential to me :-) Is causal sex something that you 'cause' or is it something that goes on to 'cause' something else... like a relationship.


You've hit upon something fundamental about gay society, in particular 'the scene'. We're a minority and, historically, we've been marginalised.

The search for intimate relations often causes us to socialise more with gay people than with 'people' in general. Hence our circle of friends often grows organically through people we find attractive and/or shag... or who fit into a demographic that we relate to (bears, leather queens, chav-a-likes etc).

When you get into a monogamous relationship, that mechanism for meeting new people and making friends is removed, or at the very least altered. As a couple you often end up becoming co-dependent. People often pair up and drop off the radar.

Yes, it happens in the straight world, too, but I don't think it's quite the same dramatic shift in emphasis. Guys still have their guy friends etc.

So, what do you do about it?

Personally, I think it's valuable to keep friends (and make new ones) and maintain a sense of self in relationships. It's not easy, though, as being with 'the other half' invariably means less time to be with other people.

In some ways Hubby and I are lucky in that we've always enjoyed going out, meeting people etc. What we have noticed, though, over the years, is that whilst we have friends, we don't really have anyone we consider close enough that we can bitch about each other to them. Did that make sense? No? Oh well. Brain not doing too well today.

Anonymous said...

I'm loving watching you grow and mature through your relationships. It's ace. Well done you. The blog gives a really interesting insight into how your thoughts and views on love and life are developing and it's a really interesting way of... well... basically... spying on a friend, but with his permission! Now if only I too could find some maturity! Ha! Well actually I think I'm getting there.

PS Nothing to stop you and fella going to a cruising ground and doing it outside, or going to a sauna for some strictly one on one fun... keep enjoying it, anyway, good to see you happy! A x

Mike said...

Aw babes! That's so sweet... X X X

As for the causal/casual link... I could try to contrive some cleverness, but no, cannot spell!!