Saturday, 22 November 2008

So be it

I’m back! And, finally, my boiler is fixed, which makes homecoming all the sweeter.

Back from two nights and a day with International at his place. The house withstood our passion; kitchen, living room, shower and of course bedroom – International has his work cut out before Ouch gets home ;-)! OK, OK I’ll stop bragging now...

International and I do so very well when we are shut away from the real world and no pressure of work or travel or the Real boyfriend snipes at our precious time together. However, we did have a row on Thursday over dinner. Which was my fault; emotional maturity is something I really must work on! Unfortunately International said he felt we shouldn’t really consider ourselves boyfriends in the strictest sense as we were only just starting a relationship and he has so much baggage to contend with. And when I demurred at this I was accused of being high maintenance. Me!

Anyway, to help ease our passage back to the real world, on Friday night I called International just to talk to him (not Talk note) and to hear his voice. Our conversation did, nevertheless, stray onto the topic of Us and we revisited some of the things that were Said on Thursday. International said he isn’t happy at home, at work, or really with anything and it will take him time to sort things out. I merely said that though whatever he does and decides affects me – a lot, a lot – I am here to help him with the pressures he feels; not add to them.

I really love International. This morning I would have given anything to wake up next to him, have him in my arms. However, it is increasingly clear that he will not leave Ouch for me; and I have listened to International when he talked and noted that we are lovers but that we shall have to see how things go. I have even had the cheek to feel somewhat aggrieved that International and Ouch are snuggled up in bed, or out with friends, or whatever whilst I am here alone.

So here am I, back in the real world. And I have decided something, gentle reader; something of which you may or may not approve.

I’m not going to continue being ‘exclusive’ with International until he’s made his mind up. I have mixed feelings about this, though not in a love=sex sense. It’s just not easy to see this as a step backward or a coping mechanism; I’m damned if I’m going to have my heart broken twice in a year. But International clearly has a lot to
work through and, yes, I’m here to help. But I’m not going to just sit and wait while I sit and wait. Erm...

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